there have been multiple times today where i almost lost it crying. six years ago today i sent my husband to the hospital... six years ago today was the last time i saw my husband alive and responsive... six years ago today we celebrated father's day for the last time... six years ago tomorrow my husband will be the day we celebrate (?) his home going... six years ago tomorrow was the day my life fell apart, it was the day that i felt like the ground gave way from under me and i found myself in the deepest darkest part of the earth. six years ago tomorrow is the day i walked into a room and through a glass window i saw disaster, a nightmare that i couldn't wake from for days, weeks and months there after.
the reason i found myself almost losing it wasn't because of the memories of that day, but of all the things that he is missing, that i'm missing with him... at A's dance show this weekend, there was a dance where the dads of some of the girls came out and did a number as well. it made me sad to think that A doesn't have a dad to do that for her.
with moving and having A's dance show (her last one here) and saying good bye to so many people... and on top of that having this day come around once a year... it's a little much right now. crunch time has arrived... this thursday the movers will be here 8:30 in the morning ready to take our stuff down to Orlando. then it's more back to back good byes with friends and family... then the following tuesday we are off to Orlando.
so yes... this day is hard... remembering the day of the greatest loss for some reason does seem more than the normal day to day feeling of the same loss... don't know why that is true, but i guess it is the reason for the day to day feeling of the loss. nonetheless... i am mourning... mourning the loss of a husband, the soon to be loss of the condo that has been a great home for us for the past three years, the soon to come final good-byes to Chicago, the mourning of great uncles that will not be around in terms of distance for A, the mourning of losing friendships for A and the moms of those friends that became my friends, the mourning of girlfriends that i love so so much.... so much is going to be a loss. YES i understand there will be great things ahead and adventures... new friendships and community, BUT just as there is a time for celebration, i feel tonight is a night of mourning. i could see why in the Bible times people wore sackcloth and ashes... sometimes you just want people to know what the state of your inside is on the outside.
