courage... "courage always demands an element of leaving, and leaving is always hard!" & "moving from comfort to courage will cause you to feel weak in the knees - a good indicator that you should stop standing up and get ON your knees." - Jeanne Stevens
i was courageous when i told P that i was open to whatever God had for me on our second date when he said that we didn't have to meet anymore if i had no interest in going overseas. i was open to leave the comfort of US life to a hot climate if that's what God had for me.
i was courageous when i said YES to a proposal at navy pier. i was ready to leave singleness to being attached to someone for the rest of my life.
i was courageous when i said my vows "til death do us part" not knowing the depths of those words. i was ready to leave the comfort of my home to join this man to make our own.
i was courageous when we decided to leave it up to God for us to have kids instead of planning it on our own. i was ready to leave my plans in the hands of God.
i was courageous when i took my 6 month old across the ocean to a place i have never been, to set up a house and raise my family there. i was ready to leave the american dream to the unknown dream.
i was courageous when P asked me to fast and pray about our visa situation and trusting God that P would lead us in a way that was going to bring glory to Him. i was ready to leave what i felt God calling us to and follow God's leading. (in this case i didn't have to leave, but God just wanted me to trust that He had things under control... Will you trust me? is what he asked.)
i was courageous when i agreed to P's month long class in another city to get his teaching certification. i was ready to leave the comfort of parenting together for a month of single momhood.
i was courageous when the doctors said that he had to be sedated in order to be well again. i was ready to leave it up to God.
i was courageous when i went to see my coma induced husband in ICU in a foreign country. i had to leave the comfort of the medical system i knew in the states up to God as P was being treated in this hospital.
i was courageous when i walked back into the ICU two hours later to find out that he might not make it. i had to leave it up to God.
i was courageous when i had to trudge up our "gang" to pack up our home to leave for the states a couple days after P's death. i had to leave the comfort of my home to the unknown again.
i was courageous when i woke up every morning for the year after that. i had to leave the comfort of my bed to face the world and raise my daughter.
i was courageous when i started counseling and faced all that i needed to embrace.
i was courageous when i went back to indo to say good-bye to everyone just to find myself feeling the sense to go back.
i was courageous when i went to live in indo again.
i was courageous when i came back to the states to start grad school.
i was courageous when i sent A to the public school system.
i was courageous when i made new friends.
i was courageous...
for some reason for a while i have lost that courage. instead of courage i find myself being so reasonable and calculating. i find myself checking and rechecking and being logical. i find myself fearing the what ifs that i have no control over. LORD make me courageous again.
as i prayed through my fears, my calculations, my logics... i find God saying, "TRUST"... and i have been having such a hard time trusting. because to trust is to have faith... to have faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see.
this week i am at a place that P and i have been to and that kind of identifies who we were as a couple, who i am as a single... this is the place that brought friendships together... a place where i feel safe... a place where i could be heard... a place where i could be known and understood... a place of love and acceptance. i am blessed to be here. and here God is asking me to have courage. He is asking me to be courageous in telling my story, to be courageous in asking Him what i really want, to be courageous in feeling the pain that i keep telling myself i should be done with, to be courageous in letting others in on my struggles and allow them to walk with me in it, to be courageous in staying in the moment and take it one step at a time...
i did a study with the ladies at my church right before i came to this place and it was a study on mary the mother of Jesus. and Jeanne Stevens said how "may it be" are one of the most courageous words mary spoke. i am challenged to be courageous and say MAY IT BE... because even though i like to know... i don't always need to know and i just need to trust and say... MAY IT BE!!!
SO...
may it be... whether we stay in the states after i graduate or go overseas... may it be
may it be... whether i get married again or stay single for the rest of my life... may it be
may it be... whether i teach or translate as a job or counsel or disciple... may it be
may it be... whether i go to a warm place or a place with four season... may it be
may it be... whether i adopt or foster or do safe families or be able to have my own children ever... may it be
may it be... even if it none of the above... LORD MAY IT BE!!!
