the dead speak

on good friday, A and i took our frisbee and went to memory park.  it was a beautiful day, a little windy, but sunny and so green.  i don't know what it is about memory park, but i find myself crying every time i drive in that direction.  i still find myself talking to P at times, i also yell at him when i find myself in frustrating situations, blaming him for not being here.  like the other day i was getting our garbage ready to throw away and i was like so mad because that was his job and here i am... doing the dirty job alone.  :)  anyway... we went to memory park and even though i talk to him once in a while, it's a different feeling when i'm at memory park. i feel like we are closer.  i was telling A how we used to go to memory park every week, to me those were dates with daddy.  i felt like we were together for some reason back then.  i have healed so much since then, but still there is a sense of closeness when i'm there.  so as A played with the frisbee and read her book (yes my daughter is now a reader!!), i talked to P.  i told him what A's been up to, what's been going on in my life and just whatever came up in my mind.  cried the whole time... and as i stood there crying and pouring out my heart... i heard him say, "you have to keep singing it".  and i balled....

i know i've told this story before, but... when P and i were trying for our second child, it was such a frustrating thing for me.  a year and a half went by with around 13 of our friends getting pregnant and having babies.  one night, i was so sad having heard another friend who was pregnant, and as i put A down to bed, i started singing "God is so good".  but i couldn't do it.  i didn't feel that the words of the song were true, so i came out of A's room in tears, telling P what was wrong... he told me, "you have to keep singing it.  you know it's true, keep singing it..."  so in tears, sobs, and heartache i sang every last word of that song.

so here i was at memory park on good friday and those words penetrated my heart... "keep singing it".  i stood there and sang the song.  "God is so good.  God is so good.  God is so good, He's so good to me."  it's so true!!  i have had such a tremendously blessed life.  yes there are things that come up and i lose hope or feel like it's never going to get better, but it's not true.  almost four years since the most tragic event of my life happened and look where i am now...  look where A is and how beautifully she is growing!!  God is good...  we have to keep declaring that, in our lives, with our words, and in song!!!  being a testament of God's goodness...  one of my goals in life!

wow we were young...  i was 23, he was 25.