In this country there is no concept of personal space, there is actually no word for it and when I try to explain it to people, it is totally a foreign idea to them. It's like why would anyone want that. So there are multiple families living in one house... they are all related, but grandparents will have like three children and their spouses and kids living in the same house... So here you give people privacy and almost act like they don't exist if they think the other needs privacy... although you could probably hear what's going on.
So, I say this because the other day, I was having a moment. With Mother's day and being far away from my mom... not even being able to call my mom or my mother-in-law, knowing I would probably cry, I just felt sad. As my therapy is shopping, on Mother's day, I took A shopping... then Monday came and I was still feeling sad... I had class and I felt that if I went to class, I would just end up crying the whole time... so... what did I do... I called them and said I could not make it and started driving. Going to our apartment was not an option due to the fact that our helper was there... I called a friend, but she was out... where do I go... I started crying more due to the frustration I was feeling... there was no place to go to even cry... no park, no empty place... there are just people everywhere... so I just kept driving. I drove an hour toward a place called Kampung Daun... passed there and just kept going... My plan was to drive til all my tears were gone.... and that took a little over an hour. Soooooo thankful like my friend HB said for cars...
That whole drive was a sweet time with Jesus. The Lord has been teaching me more and more to just come to Him. In the beginning, I think He knew how much I needed, so not only was He around, but He gave me tons of friends to support me and be there for me... answer my phone calls at all hours of the night... Lately... as I call friends, God just doesn't let me connect with them. He wants me to come to Him first. I am learning quickly that who I need to hear from is Him... I need to hear His sweet voice, not my friends. When I have everything settled in my heart with Him, then He opens ways for me to talk to friends. It's great because I make more sense after I've talked to Him too... It's not a lot of jumble mumble that I say hoping that they will understand.
So in the car, I just talked to Jesus... I told Him all that was in my heart. The good things, the bad things, the hard things, the unfair things, the expected things, the discouraging things... and in the midst of that... I just knew He was listening to my every word and glad that I was coming to Him. How great is that huh?
I want to make one thing clear before I go on... I want to say that I'm not complaining here. I think sometimes we as parents could see if our children are complaining or just letting us know what they are thinking in their hearts... I really think that this time with Jesus was me letting Him know all that is in my heart... not complaining. I was inviting Him in actually into this complex thought process of mine because I didn't want to end up complaining.
There are so many things that I had expected, but it did not happen the way I planned... I planned to live with P til he was bald and my hair turned grey... that didn't happen... I planned to have lots of children (although P said we'll see after each one...)... that didn't happen... and sometimes... I think of how my life is so not the way I planned or wanted and I told God the other day of all the expectation I had that haven't come true and just wondering when my turn will come... because I see other people praying about things and getting what they are asking for... I not only got what I had taken from me, but I also am not getting what I want... and sometimes people get something I want and they never wanted it in the first place... and after I let out everything in my heart, I heard God ever so gentle voice tell me... But that's their story... I am making your story and it's not going to be the same as them. And I sensed the Lord telling me that this is about me and Him... so I shouldn't look at them.
And so that's all I needed to hear... God is writing my story. He is writing a love story between me and Him... and some of my story will link with others, some more intimately than others, there may be some chapters that intertwine... but the main thing is it's between me and God. And I just think how God has grown me over these years to make me more confident in His promises. Though my heart was feeling sad and heavy at how I wished it was different, I also knew that a day will come that my prayers will be answered and when that day comes, I will be a more sharpened, mature, holy woman because of the way God is shaping me through this waiting process of all the desires of my heart.
I am honored and encouraged at the e-mails that I get saying how much I encourage them and how they are jealous of the way the Lord is working in my life. But at the same time, I think it's funny because man do I have a long way to go....
John 15 talks about the pruning process... I am really loving that chapter. If you read that chapter, if you want to bear good fruit, you have to be pruned in order for it to produce more fruit... and it just then reminds me of how God uses us in our weakness. When we don't have much... when all is taken away from us... when you have to live in a "hotel room"... when you have to drive around to cry in private... all those things is our weakness, what we didn't expect, but the Lord uses that to bear more fruit... because in those times we need Him more and then... we grow more and we want to do more. So bring it on... I will suffer for Christ if it brings Him all the glory. I will have my weaknesses if Jesus would be known more through them. Prune me Lord... It hurts, but how awesome it is that your love endures through those times and when I remain in you... I will bear more fruit!!!
Tomorrow I leave for the women's retreat at our church here. Please pray for the time. I speak on Thursday, Wednesday stateside time. I don't know the exact time, but I'm really excited. Please pray for words as I am speaking my third language (English 1st, Korean 2nd) and it's on a pretty heavy topic, but that's what the Lord has brought to my heart, so... Please pray!!!
