girls just wanna have fun: Prayers Please

Today I realize, that in one month, it will have been two years since P's death. Funny how this second year is seemingly harder than the first... Maybe because the first year I was just getting back to this country and getting settled, jet lagged and a little out of it... but this year for some reason, it has started a little early and seems to bring sadness to my heart.

For church today, A and I went to the international church for the first time on a Sunday service. I just needed a break and it was so good to have an English sermon with English speaking friends. I was a little frustrated that A did not want to go to Sunday School even though her friends from school were there, but she did sit quietly in the adult service. Then a lady I know asked us to come over for lunch so we could talk and A and her daughters could play together. We had a great time and afterward came home to nap. I really was praying that today would be a good Sabbath and that's what it turned out to be...

I tell the day's story because after our nap, we had a great mommy daughter time and during that time we watched some home made video clips. As I watched one after the other... I realized a couple things...

Although it's only going to have been two years, I feel like it's been forever... in which I feel like I've aged and therefore expect A to be more mature than she needs to be. I realize that she was only two when she lost her daddy and now she's only four... She's a kid and I think because I had to grow up in so many ways since P died, that she also has. I do think in some ways she has some things above others her age, but... really, she's four... she should be testing her limits and still have some separation anxiety... and because I'm tired and want to be a part of things, I realize that I just want her to grow up. I'm being so unfair to her.

And as this two year mark is coming up, I find that there were some things I had hoped for, but it did not happen or it went a totally different direction. Sometimes when you find yourself in that kind of situation, you look back and examine what has happened, re-evaluate your expectations and move on from there, but there is some part of grief that comes with it.

So on top of all this internal emotional junk I'm going through, to go through the daily life stuff and natural challenges that come with life in relationships or other things, I find myself wanting to run.... just run from everything... maybe go to Greece. I really want to go to Greece.

My friend, TB, tells me I have one more month to be crazy and after that, my craziness is not excusable. :) Maybe I'll take that ticket of craziness and actually do something crazy since I haven't done anything yet (or least definable as crazy). :) Greece anyone?

How could two years feel like so long? A friend was asking what I was going to do for the two year... I really don't know. In one part I feel like to ask people to keep remembering with me may be too much for them... In another part I feel like it's crazy that only two years ago I was sitting on the cold tiles of the ICU hallway, just trying to figure out what had happened... So much has happened, so much has been worked through, so many tears have been shed, so many calls have been made, so many blogs have been typed...

When A turned two, four months before P died, we couldn't believe how time had flown by. P and I both couldn't believe that our little baby was this cute two year old toddler, walking around talking... These two years I feel like could be the same... even though it's hard and I want to run away... I also think...

How much we have grown these two years. How much we have done. How far we have come. How great is our God. How I didn't even think a day would come where I could be ERP all over again. How big my baby is growing and how I don't want to miss a beat of that. How we are all the way on the other side of the world. How we both can keep smiling and find joy in life.

In one part it is hard and sad, but the other part is... Wow look at us now... God has turned a torn up, defeated, sad, bitter, angry widow into a hopeful, joyful, obedient, loving, growing daughter of His... striving day after day to be closer and closer to Him and grow her daughter to be the same.

So I covet your prayers during this next month... I don't know if any of you know kind of what I'm talking about... but... I know the Lord is good and I trust His goodness written all over my life... but my days are a little cloudy lately (literally since it's been raining like crazy, but also figuratively). I just ask that you pray that in this I could continue to find joy and not get sooo gloomy. I have my responsibilities as a mom, as a worker, and as everything else in life... Pray that I could find time and a place to cry when I need to... Pray for me as a mom, to always remember A's need and not just try to take care of my own. Pray for A, I know she doesn't realize what day is what... but that God will continue to comfort her as she sees other girls with their daddies and kids running around with their daddies. Pray for protection of bad thoughts or memories during this month.

God is good... just as He has brought me through these past two years, I know He will help me through this month. I feel like two years is a big turning point. Maybe that's why people say give them two years before becoming normal... :) So all this time I wasn't normal... I'm getting there...

Total Opposite order of how I wanted the pictures...