I've started seeing a counselor again last week. I feel like through this transition I need someone to hear out all of me and give me good, wise, godly advise. So I had e-mailed TIU's counseling center way before I got here to see when they could start seeing me.
Today was my second session and I just have to say, it's good to be validated on the things that you are doing well and given advice when in areas that I need it. Thanks to KM for watching A while I go to my counseling sessions. It is a blessing for A to have friends to play with when I go.
I miss P...
So today after picking up A and doing something fun with her friends, I took A to memory park with a bunch of flowers we picked up at the Jewel. A fell asleep on the way there and I got a good talk in with P while she slept in the car. For almost an hour, I talked to P and let out all that I had in my heart to the one person I know would listen and just listen. I cried through the words that came out. And I just couldn't believe how great it felt to sit there and talk to him.
He's buried in the most beautiful spot. The sun was out today and it was pretty hot... P's spot is by a big beautiful tree that gives great shade. I sat under that cool shade and had a good talk. I came away from that talk feeling so much better.
Hard to believe next month it will be three years... and still I like to sit under that tree talking to someone who will never respond and has been gone for three years. Crazy... this thing called death and grief.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
stop wallowing
Self pity is awful... I find myself wallowing in self pity. Tonight after dinner, A and I got some ice cream and went to the park. There was a family at the park, mom, dad, 2 boys and a girl. The family was out playing baseball, all of them. I watched them a little as I played with A... I teared up a little and asked God for day like that for A and I soon. On the way home on 94.3 KLove they had a "food for thought" kind of thing and it was for single parents. They talked about how we single parents should not "wallow" in our self pity - my paraphrase - and start planning... picnics, nights out with our kids, outings with other families... A interrupted my listening by asking what a single parent is. So as we talked about what a single parent is, she told me that I did what they were talking about. She told me about our picnics and how we went to the park. So maybe I'm not wallowing in self pity, but I do think about how life is not all about me. I want to focus on other people, things, issues, etc. rather than myself... all of that in the way the Lord has made me to be and the way He wants to use what I have been through for His glory.
Just something I've been thinking about.
Praises:
1. We got our condo painted.
2. We got our permit to start working on remodeling.
3. We got a car!!!!
4. I am finally feeling a little ease in my daily schedule.
Prayer Requests:
1. I need to take a placement test for math so I would only have to take one class this summer instead of two. Please pray that I could pass this math so that I could just take one, statistics, not algebra and statistics.
2. All the work to get done in a timely matter.
Please pray a blessing over the men helping with the remodeling. They are great at helping me out... MR, GM, AL, JS... Thanks guys!!
Just something I've been thinking about.
Praises:
1. We got our condo painted.
2. We got our permit to start working on remodeling.
3. We got a car!!!!
4. I am finally feeling a little ease in my daily schedule.
Prayer Requests:
1. I need to take a placement test for math so I would only have to take one class this summer instead of two. Please pray that I could pass this math so that I could just take one, statistics, not algebra and statistics.
2. All the work to get done in a timely matter.
Please pray a blessing over the men helping with the remodeling. They are great at helping me out... MR, GM, AL, JS... Thanks guys!!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
sleep overs
Thanks to the R family, I get a night off. All I wanted to do was have a night to do something that I can't do when she's around... but as I was doing them, which was curtain shopping, I found myself realizing what's really going on...
We are in America... We have left our home... our friends. We are setting up a home here and very busy doing it... We are yet in another phase of transition, unsettled lives... I feel overwhelmed and feel myself trying not to go to the "I wish I had a partner to help me with all this" mode. It takes extra energy to try to not go into that mode. I miss P... I know if he were here then he would take care of so many of the things I have to take care of. I know that if he were here, A would not have to play on I-phones or leapsters a lot. If he were here, I wouldn't have to ask for so much help. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people that help me out and appreciate it a lot, but sometimes I wish I wasn't so needy.
Ugh, another realization of the facts of my life. I can't believe in about a month it will have been 3 years. Time sure does pass. I know 3 years is a lot and I have come a long way, but that does not mean that I'm done. I still have days I miss P terribly and there are still days that I just want to cry...
Maybe that's what I will use this night for...
Thank you R's for taking A. Need to go to bed.
We are in America... We have left our home... our friends. We are setting up a home here and very busy doing it... We are yet in another phase of transition, unsettled lives... I feel overwhelmed and feel myself trying not to go to the "I wish I had a partner to help me with all this" mode. It takes extra energy to try to not go into that mode. I miss P... I know if he were here then he would take care of so many of the things I have to take care of. I know that if he were here, A would not have to play on I-phones or leapsters a lot. If he were here, I wouldn't have to ask for so much help. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people that help me out and appreciate it a lot, but sometimes I wish I wasn't so needy.
Ugh, another realization of the facts of my life. I can't believe in about a month it will have been 3 years. Time sure does pass. I know 3 years is a lot and I have come a long way, but that does not mean that I'm done. I still have days I miss P terribly and there are still days that I just want to cry...
Maybe that's what I will use this night for...
Thank you R's for taking A. Need to go to bed.
Monday, May 2, 2011
the body
today i took A to the movies. we have been so busy since we got here, i thought we needed a mommy daughter break. so we went to the theatre to watch rio. during the previews i saw something that really bothered me and i just thought that i could write a little bit about my feelings.
there was a commercial about having church in the theatre and if anyone was interested there was an website to look into. that made me really sad. is that what the body boils down to? come into a room, sit next to people watch "church" on the big screen and then go home? no shepherd to lead them? no one to be involved in their lives? i am still so sad by it.
i think of the body that i left in indonesia and the body i came back to here... and i know that if it was a body that looked at a screen like it was a movie... then i wouldn't be experiencing the body that Christ intended it to be right now.
i could go more into it, but i feel like it would not be wise, since it is a growing venue out there... don't want it to be a debate... just wanted to say how sad i was. after reading the book of acts... it makes me even sadder.
Jesus when will you come?
there was a commercial about having church in the theatre and if anyone was interested there was an website to look into. that made me really sad. is that what the body boils down to? come into a room, sit next to people watch "church" on the big screen and then go home? no shepherd to lead them? no one to be involved in their lives? i am still so sad by it.
i think of the body that i left in indonesia and the body i came back to here... and i know that if it was a body that looked at a screen like it was a movie... then i wouldn't be experiencing the body that Christ intended it to be right now.
i could go more into it, but i feel like it would not be wise, since it is a growing venue out there... don't want it to be a debate... just wanted to say how sad i was. after reading the book of acts... it makes me even sadder.
Jesus when will you come?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
too much to write... too little time
It's already been a week since we got in. The Lord has been extremely good to us during this transition with getting over jet lag, people to help us, getting things done. God has given me a great friend who is giving up her car for us to use until we get one (Thanks JM)!! We have gotten A registered for kindergarten, gotten me registered at the community college to take my class (but looks like it will take a little bit more work than I thought), gotten my scholarship paperwork in for TIU... That has all been a full time job this week, plus I have been researching lots of cars to see what is good for us and in our price range. That is some serious work.
But before I get to caught up in our life here, I want to rewind a little to the last month or so of our time in Indonesia. It was bittersweet to say the least. So sad to leave behind the future that could have been, yet so excited to embark the future that will be. We had several good-bye parties and I have to say, I was already feeling like closing that chapter in my life was kind of like dying, but during the parties it felt like it more as people told me what I meant to them or what A was like in their life, told me how I impacted them... I remember at P's funeral service Pastor RB read something from P's journal from a time when P wrote about when we had to say good bye to all our friends here to go to the field... You really never get to hear those kind words or what you have done until your funeral, but it was quite a time to sit and listen to friends, students, and people I have met, but don't really remember, tell of memories of me, of P, of A, of what we did...
As we prepared to leave, God told me three different times to remember John 15. It's kind of crazy because that has kind of been my life chapter. I know it's a common chapter, but sometimes I don't remember it. So three different times, God reminded me that John 15 will have to be something I turn to often as I return to the states. One time was at a gathering of women and my tehteh (older sister) read it as her reflection and God clearly told me to listen. At that same gathering I received a letter that was written before the sharing of my tehteh from a friend with a beautiful necklace as a gift with John 15 written on the side very artistically. The last one was from a friend also in a letter about John 15. Crazy...
This week has been crazy... I sometimes get very task oriented and I was very focused on getting stuff done. My focus was a little shifted... the desire to get things done clouded my heart to want to seek God first in all things... even the littlest things. But God doesn't let that go for long. Today in church, Pastor PJ spoke on... guess what??? John 15. Crazy huh? God really wants me to get it. He is the vine, I am the branch... I have no life outside of Him.
The very thing I feared of coming back to the states happened as soon as I landed... getting too busy. Everything could wait... Nothing is so urgent. So I don't have a car... big deal. I don't need to go anywhere right now that I'm going to have serious consequences over. Breath, abide, see what I want... God is saying to me. Don't fret over the little things, I got it under control.
I even got a text some time this week from my tehteh telling me to keep my eyes on Jesus and take things one day at a time. Should continue to listen.... :)
Okay... now going back to say good bye. It was such a sad time, but it was also full of celebration. God reminded me through many people that I obeyed and that's all God wants from us. I may feel like I haven't done much, but obeying Him is what brings Him glory. Thanks for the reminder.
We left on Good Friday and I had our friend, AB, do a little sharing time before we left. I did not want the day to just be about us leaving when really the day should focus on what Christ did for us. AB shared how God had all things in order... even the cosmos... It's so amazing to see how God planned all things in such order for His glory to be relieved 1000s of years later.
I saw that order come to play at the airport. Our friends, SR and MR, who came to pick us up, stood in front of us at the line for immigration. As soon as they got through, A and I walked up. They looked at our passports and there was a problem. I usually have a multiple entry-re-entry permit, but it expired and somehow when my visa got extended that did not get extended too. Therefore, I did not have Indonesia's permission to leave the country. So crazy. There we were SR and MR on one end, A and I on the other.
I go into the immigration office and they said I can't leave, that I would have to wait til Monday. I really prayed... and God answered. There in the office with me were two American men, who I knew by name and they knew me by name. So I borrowed their cell phone and started making calls. God had a woman who had helped when P died right at the airport, so when I called to ask for her help again... she ran right to us. Our flight was at 7 PM and A and I got on the plane at 6:50... God seriously worked out every last detail... None of any of that could have happened without His utter control over the situation.
The Lord goes before us, He lives in us and He wants to use us. What a blessing. As soon as we took off and things were a little settled, I cried thinking of His goodness and the mere fact that I was on the plane... wow...
That is a serious summary of all that happened in this past month.
We are currently living at the house we lived in while we were here during the winter. We are starting work on our condo this Tuesday with new paint first.
So please do pray for us...
1. As I have said before, I could get really task oriented, so just pray that I will keep taking deep breaths and taking it one day at a time.
2. We do need a car. I will be driving 40 miles a day to and from school... so I need a car with good gas mileage. But I like roomier cars because small cars make me a little nervous. So please pray that the Lord will give us a car with all that we NEED (I know what we need is different from what I desire) at a great stealer price!!!
3. Our condo is going to start getting worked on. My optimistic goal is that we are in our own condo in a month. Please pray that even the hard things will go really smoothly. I really want to get settled and not live out of the bags spread out on the floor.
4. A has mentioned how she likes both Indonesia and America. I'm not all sure what's going on inside her, but pray that she would be able to express and that I will be able to be available.
5. I start counseling on Wednesday. I'm really excited... Please pray that it will be a good time of processing and healing for me. I also want to see if they have counselors for children, pray that if that needs to happen that we will find a good counselor for A.
Thank you all so much for seriously praying with us and for us through this transition. I just ask that you continue to do this for us.
But before I get to caught up in our life here, I want to rewind a little to the last month or so of our time in Indonesia. It was bittersweet to say the least. So sad to leave behind the future that could have been, yet so excited to embark the future that will be. We had several good-bye parties and I have to say, I was already feeling like closing that chapter in my life was kind of like dying, but during the parties it felt like it more as people told me what I meant to them or what A was like in their life, told me how I impacted them... I remember at P's funeral service Pastor RB read something from P's journal from a time when P wrote about when we had to say good bye to all our friends here to go to the field... You really never get to hear those kind words or what you have done until your funeral, but it was quite a time to sit and listen to friends, students, and people I have met, but don't really remember, tell of memories of me, of P, of A, of what we did...
As we prepared to leave, God told me three different times to remember John 15. It's kind of crazy because that has kind of been my life chapter. I know it's a common chapter, but sometimes I don't remember it. So three different times, God reminded me that John 15 will have to be something I turn to often as I return to the states. One time was at a gathering of women and my tehteh (older sister) read it as her reflection and God clearly told me to listen. At that same gathering I received a letter that was written before the sharing of my tehteh from a friend with a beautiful necklace as a gift with John 15 written on the side very artistically. The last one was from a friend also in a letter about John 15. Crazy...
This week has been crazy... I sometimes get very task oriented and I was very focused on getting stuff done. My focus was a little shifted... the desire to get things done clouded my heart to want to seek God first in all things... even the littlest things. But God doesn't let that go for long. Today in church, Pastor PJ spoke on... guess what??? John 15. Crazy huh? God really wants me to get it. He is the vine, I am the branch... I have no life outside of Him.
The very thing I feared of coming back to the states happened as soon as I landed... getting too busy. Everything could wait... Nothing is so urgent. So I don't have a car... big deal. I don't need to go anywhere right now that I'm going to have serious consequences over. Breath, abide, see what I want... God is saying to me. Don't fret over the little things, I got it under control.
I even got a text some time this week from my tehteh telling me to keep my eyes on Jesus and take things one day at a time. Should continue to listen.... :)
Okay... now going back to say good bye. It was such a sad time, but it was also full of celebration. God reminded me through many people that I obeyed and that's all God wants from us. I may feel like I haven't done much, but obeying Him is what brings Him glory. Thanks for the reminder.
We left on Good Friday and I had our friend, AB, do a little sharing time before we left. I did not want the day to just be about us leaving when really the day should focus on what Christ did for us. AB shared how God had all things in order... even the cosmos... It's so amazing to see how God planned all things in such order for His glory to be relieved 1000s of years later.
I saw that order come to play at the airport. Our friends, SR and MR, who came to pick us up, stood in front of us at the line for immigration. As soon as they got through, A and I walked up. They looked at our passports and there was a problem. I usually have a multiple entry-re-entry permit, but it expired and somehow when my visa got extended that did not get extended too. Therefore, I did not have Indonesia's permission to leave the country. So crazy. There we were SR and MR on one end, A and I on the other.
I go into the immigration office and they said I can't leave, that I would have to wait til Monday. I really prayed... and God answered. There in the office with me were two American men, who I knew by name and they knew me by name. So I borrowed their cell phone and started making calls. God had a woman who had helped when P died right at the airport, so when I called to ask for her help again... she ran right to us. Our flight was at 7 PM and A and I got on the plane at 6:50... God seriously worked out every last detail... None of any of that could have happened without His utter control over the situation.
The Lord goes before us, He lives in us and He wants to use us. What a blessing. As soon as we took off and things were a little settled, I cried thinking of His goodness and the mere fact that I was on the plane... wow...
That is a serious summary of all that happened in this past month.
We are currently living at the house we lived in while we were here during the winter. We are starting work on our condo this Tuesday with new paint first.
So please do pray for us...
1. As I have said before, I could get really task oriented, so just pray that I will keep taking deep breaths and taking it one day at a time.
2. We do need a car. I will be driving 40 miles a day to and from school... so I need a car with good gas mileage. But I like roomier cars because small cars make me a little nervous. So please pray that the Lord will give us a car with all that we NEED (I know what we need is different from what I desire) at a great stealer price!!!
3. Our condo is going to start getting worked on. My optimistic goal is that we are in our own condo in a month. Please pray that even the hard things will go really smoothly. I really want to get settled and not live out of the bags spread out on the floor.
4. A has mentioned how she likes both Indonesia and America. I'm not all sure what's going on inside her, but pray that she would be able to express and that I will be able to be available.
5. I start counseling on Wednesday. I'm really excited... Please pray that it will be a good time of processing and healing for me. I also want to see if they have counselors for children, pray that if that needs to happen that we will find a good counselor for A.
Thank you all so much for seriously praying with us and for us through this transition. I just ask that you continue to do this for us.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
soon and very soon...
it's funny how the blog right before this was talking about fertilizers... i had some stinky fertilizers these past few weeks and one of the stinkies was that my laptop got stolen. it's been pretty discouraging, but now it's only 5 more sleeps until we get on the plane to move back to Chicago. it's kind of crazy and i just want to ask for prayer coverage as we travel and get back to life back in the states. i ask that you just pray that God will go before us in relationships, housing, school and everything. i'll see you blog when i get to chicago, until then... i pray this will be a reminder for all to pray for us.
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