7 years ago on October 2, I got engaged to the man of my dreams. This year the date came and went and I didn't even think about it. At first guilt overtook me, but then I thought, wow I'm actually moving on. I spent that day with JM at the bear's game and had so much fun. I think it was all in God's grace that I could smile today and think of what a wonderful day that was at Navy Pier when P proposed then smile again at the hope of one day having a memory like that again with a man of my dreams.
As I type this, I realize that by the end of this month, I would have lived longer without P than with him as marrieds and that's just a crazy thought. Yet as we watch home videos today, I think of what a major part he was and how I couldn't be who I am without him nor could I be raising the bestest daughter ever.
Navy Pier was a beginning to a wonderful chapter in my life. I pray that some day soon the Lord will bring another significant place for me to start a new chapter at. Until then, I continue to hope and trust in God's faithfulness.
God you are good and your faithfulness endures forever!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Miry Bog
Just the other day I was reading from Psalm 40 and I thought of how blessed I was to be able to see God's hand in my life.
1I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry. 2He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure. 3He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
These specific verses really spoke to me as I read the chapter.
Today I had a first with my friend JM. She took me to a Bear's game. Go Bears!!! So when I got back and had A I felt overwhelming tired all of a sudden. On the way home, we picked up some food and as I was ordering I felt a little frustrated because I thought there was just too many choices and wanting the guy to just give me what I asked for and not the extra stuff.
So the end of the story... I come out from picking up food and I get in the car finding myself with a big smile on my face. I realized how I am so much out of the miry bog and the Lord has me in a secure spot. You see I remembered when there was a time in my life when I would go in to grab food or buy something and feel so overwhelmed that I would either not buy anything or just tell them to keep adding what they wanted to add and walk out with a big bill and tears. Today although I was a little bit overwhelmed and tired, I still walked out with what I wanted and a smile.
A few days ago when I read this, I put in my journal that I wanted those verses to the testimony of my life. I continue to pray that. What a testament... Lord continue to use me as a vessel for you.
1I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry. 2He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure. 3He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
These specific verses really spoke to me as I read the chapter.
Today I had a first with my friend JM. She took me to a Bear's game. Go Bears!!! So when I got back and had A I felt overwhelming tired all of a sudden. On the way home, we picked up some food and as I was ordering I felt a little frustrated because I thought there was just too many choices and wanting the guy to just give me what I asked for and not the extra stuff.
So the end of the story... I come out from picking up food and I get in the car finding myself with a big smile on my face. I realized how I am so much out of the miry bog and the Lord has me in a secure spot. You see I remembered when there was a time in my life when I would go in to grab food or buy something and feel so overwhelmed that I would either not buy anything or just tell them to keep adding what they wanted to add and walk out with a big bill and tears. Today although I was a little bit overwhelmed and tired, I still walked out with what I wanted and a smile.
A few days ago when I read this, I put in my journal that I wanted those verses to the testimony of my life. I continue to pray that. What a testament... Lord continue to use me as a vessel for you.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
emotionally healthy spirituality
our church is doing a sermon series on this book emotionally healthy spirituality. i haven't read it, but our pastor says it's good and he though he doesn't agree with all of the points in the book, he feels that it's really necessary in the church.
i'm totally pumped about it. no not just because i am in the mental health counseling program, but because true freedom only comes through Christ and you can't have freedom unless you know what your bondage is. i have so many bondages that i have worked through and still have so much that the Lord keeps revealing to me. i love how in psalms, david asks God to search his heart... investigate what is there and bring it to light. then and only then will we know what God wants to do with it... healing, comfort, understanding, justice, forgiveness, love...
are we brave enough to ask God to search our hearts, investigate what's in there and reveal it to us? it's painful let me tell you. some of the things that i have to work through, i just wanted to deny that it really happened... but God in His goodness showed me that those things were causing me to be stuck and not be able to move forward in life, most importantly with Him. so tonight, it's really late let me add, but A is out at a sleepover and i hit the town with a friend, just got home and wanted to put my thoughts down before i go to bed... so tonight... i want to challenge whoever reads this, if anyone does read this, to be brave and ask God to search are hearts... ask Him what's blocking you from being ever more like Him... what are those bondages... lies, abuse, manipulation, cheating, adultery, addictions, pornography, parent walking out on you, ... or the subtle ones that you wouldn't think would be a problem, it's just part of life, but is there, like people picking on you, calling you names, never asking you to be part of a team... whatever hinders you to draw closer to God, in my opinion, is a bondage... what are those things in your life? don't you want to lay those at the feet of Jesus and just say, "Jesus bring truth and healing into these lies...."
these are just some thoughts that i have tonight as i go to bed. let's find true freedom in Christ. don't think it'll be smooth sailing... sometimes that hurts!! actually most times, but it'll be good! promise!!!
i'm totally pumped about it. no not just because i am in the mental health counseling program, but because true freedom only comes through Christ and you can't have freedom unless you know what your bondage is. i have so many bondages that i have worked through and still have so much that the Lord keeps revealing to me. i love how in psalms, david asks God to search his heart... investigate what is there and bring it to light. then and only then will we know what God wants to do with it... healing, comfort, understanding, justice, forgiveness, love...
are we brave enough to ask God to search our hearts, investigate what's in there and reveal it to us? it's painful let me tell you. some of the things that i have to work through, i just wanted to deny that it really happened... but God in His goodness showed me that those things were causing me to be stuck and not be able to move forward in life, most importantly with Him. so tonight, it's really late let me add, but A is out at a sleepover and i hit the town with a friend, just got home and wanted to put my thoughts down before i go to bed... so tonight... i want to challenge whoever reads this, if anyone does read this, to be brave and ask God to search are hearts... ask Him what's blocking you from being ever more like Him... what are those bondages... lies, abuse, manipulation, cheating, adultery, addictions, pornography, parent walking out on you, ... or the subtle ones that you wouldn't think would be a problem, it's just part of life, but is there, like people picking on you, calling you names, never asking you to be part of a team... whatever hinders you to draw closer to God, in my opinion, is a bondage... what are those things in your life? don't you want to lay those at the feet of Jesus and just say, "Jesus bring truth and healing into these lies...."
these are just some thoughts that i have tonight as i go to bed. let's find true freedom in Christ. don't think it'll be smooth sailing... sometimes that hurts!! actually most times, but it'll be good! promise!!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
seasons
This weekend P's family came to visit us. I'm not sure how it is for them, but I sometimes go into it blinded. I just don't know how it's going to be. I don't think we have all been in Chicago altogether since the funeral. We have been to their place and have seen parts of the family here, but this is the first time I think that we've been here all together. So I don't know if anyone is going to be sad or if there is anything we need to do memory stuff, but I feel like it went well. We had a fun reunion and although the weekend went by very quickly, we had a great time with family, A especially with her cousins.
I have been thinking of seasons... this summer was really hot. I know people think that we would be used to it being in the tropics, but it's just such a different kind of hot here. I was thinking of how when this week it dropped to like 60, everyone started wearing their jackets and vests and sweatshirts... but then I thought of how in spring because we are coming out of the cold, when it hits 60, we put on our shorts and short sleeve shirts and enjoy the sun.
I think of this in terms of grieving. It's just so hot and sensitive when it first happens. We are on edge and hurting. Then you meet the people that... like for me, meeting my in-laws or friends of P's... It's kind of cold and it feels like you need to put on a jacket in the heat of the hurt... You're not sure if they will like you for you or if it is that they liked you just because of the person that is now deceased. Then winter comes, the testing and trying of the relationships... is this really going to work? Are we really going to make it without this person who is not here anymore?? And hopefully some day after having worn the jackets and coats to keep you from the hurt and cold... spring comes... it starts getting warm and you feel that it is working... finally you could take off the jacket. Yes the person is not here, but we start to look past that and start liking, loving each other for who we are, apart from the "glue" that kept us together.
Some of my friendships here and even with my in-laws I feel like this is the case, going through these seasons... getting to know each other apart from P and let them see me for me, not the person P chose. I pray that as time passes, we will hit a summer where it's not the hurt or pain that is making it hot and sensitive, but the love that we feel mutually because we love each other.
I don't know if that makes sense, but just something I thought about.
Please pray for P's family as they drive back home tonight and tomorrow.
Please pray for us as we start another week.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
kindergarten
A started her first week of kindergarten this week. i love her... you know i'm so proud that she walked right up to school, got in line when the teacher came and went straight down with her class to her room. she never looked back... i was really so proud that my eyes filled with tears... my baby all grown up. :)
after the second day of school, she comes home and asks, "mommy, why don't we talked about Jesus at school?" her teacher is a believer so i guess she thought that she would talk about Jesus all the time. so i explained to her about the rules and a little history how schools before were allowed to talk about God and Jesus, but now it can't and how really it's schemes of Satan to take away people from God. so i told her that she could talk about Jesus all she wants and even ask her teacher about Him, but sadly enough her teacher was not allowed to bring Him up.
i thought that was so profound of her and so proud that she noticed and wanted to talk about Jesus. i want her to be all about Him you know.
i pray that from kindergarten to her senior year of high school, where ever we go and stay in between from now til then, she will be someone who talks about Jesus!!! would you pray that with me for her! for her to just love Him and that it radiates out of her, in her acts, words and just everything!!!
after the second day of school, she comes home and asks, "mommy, why don't we talked about Jesus at school?" her teacher is a believer so i guess she thought that she would talk about Jesus all the time. so i explained to her about the rules and a little history how schools before were allowed to talk about God and Jesus, but now it can't and how really it's schemes of Satan to take away people from God. so i told her that she could talk about Jesus all she wants and even ask her teacher about Him, but sadly enough her teacher was not allowed to bring Him up.
i thought that was so profound of her and so proud that she noticed and wanted to talk about Jesus. i want her to be all about Him you know.
i pray that from kindergarten to her senior year of high school, where ever we go and stay in between from now til then, she will be someone who talks about Jesus!!! would you pray that with me for her! for her to just love Him and that it radiates out of her, in her acts, words and just everything!!!
31
tomorrow i turn 31. it has been a busy year for me and during this year, God has grown me more into His image through times of failure and times of joy. i am currently sitting in our house all alone and it's so weird being in this place without any noise, without someone asking me to play with them... RB, my old housemate and friend, has organized a dinner for me tonight for my birthday and since who knows when, this is my night out. i'm so excited!!!
i was surprised this morning with a flower delivery. i couldn't think of anyone that would send me flowers and i thought... ooo this is exciting. when i opened my card, i started to cry. my good friend send me flowers from across the world and they are so beautiful. flowers just make me happy!! thanks jm for sending those to me.
not much more to say, except having a birthday after my first full week of school is good. it gives me hope for this year to come and i am so excited to see what the Lord will do!!! (although there is some side of me that is also sad... P just made birthdays extra special for me... for weeks at a time... hope trumps it by far and i can't wait to see what 31 brings!!!)
so here is self taken picture of me at 7 hours til 31. ha ha...
i was surprised this morning with a flower delivery. i couldn't think of anyone that would send me flowers and i thought... ooo this is exciting. when i opened my card, i started to cry. my good friend send me flowers from across the world and they are so beautiful. flowers just make me happy!! thanks jm for sending those to me.
not much more to say, except having a birthday after my first full week of school is good. it gives me hope for this year to come and i am so excited to see what the Lord will do!!! (although there is some side of me that is also sad... P just made birthdays extra special for me... for weeks at a time... hope trumps it by far and i can't wait to see what 31 brings!!!)
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