swamped

so remember when i wrote about how i did a personality test and i came out to be serious...  yesterday in class we were talking about all the personality types... i was explaining how i felt like i wasn't really serious (the realist) until P's death.  my professor explained that i would have always had it, but it would have looked different and maybe not as pronounced.  as she was explaining, i guess she's right...  i have been the one that thinks things through, critical of myself and others, highly responsible for my own behavior, prepared (this is a big one!!)... anyway... as i thought about things i could see that throughout my life.

prepared is a big one.  i like to write lists and then get everything done before it needs to be.  i like structure.  that wasn't on the list but i think with being prepared, you have to have structure right?

this long introduction to say... i have a huge list of things to do... actually it's not too huge, but it feels huge.  so i covet your prayers.  more than halfway done with a semester... have a paper due this weekend for my weekend class (thank you SC and SC for watching A!!  what a blessing.  she's been talking about it non-stop!!) that i need to finish... then a test next week that i need to study for before my brother-in-laws family comes.  i have two big papers due mid april... then finals... it's going to be a lot and when i look at my list... i feel swamped!!

but this is the thing... grades are not everything!!  i have a daughter that i need to love unconditionally and make priority in my life.  i have needs that i need met in order to function (like hang out with people) - self care as we call it in counseling.  i like to do fun things and enjoy life!!  that's my adventurous side of my personality... life in the present.

so as you pray for us... please pray that i would be able to balance work and play... to have both in a healthy balance.

i close heading to a stack of books with my balcony door wide open and the hope of a successful joyful day!!!

a thought before bed...

i love that today was light until 7.  i don't like that this morning i had to be awaken by an alarm and now it's 9:30 and i am heading to bed.  sometimes i think an hour change is worse than jet lag this is from a person with lots of experience.  :)  good night everyone and enjoy these days that are to be beautiful.  i have been smiling so much lately because of the wonderful weather!!

call my name...

about three years ago, my friend introduced me to the concept of the waiting room.  she talked about how before she dated her now husband, she was waiting in this waiting room for him to "come around".  when she introduced me to the subject, she and i were in the waiting room, just different ones.  i was in the waiting room of desiring a new husband and she was in the waiting room of having a baby.  we fervently prayed for one another... she currently has the cutest chubbiest little baby girl ever... and we continue to pray for me.

last night at digging deeper, our church small group, we shared about how in life there are a variety of waiting rooms.  and it's a hard place to be in... but how the Lord says to not worry or be anxious in the times of the unknown, but to trust in His faithfulness.  we may continue to move from one waiting room to the other hoping that they would call our name so we could actually go in, but til our name is called, we need to wait patiently and trust in the Lord.

i think about that for me too... how i continue to be in waiting rooms, sometimes several at a time just wanting them to call my name... but until my name is called, i will commit to remembering God's faithfulness throughout my life and continue to trust!!

God's backdrop in our lives...

the sunrise from my bedroom window....  this makes me smile in the morning.

for the first time this morning i made a green monster smoothie.  it was delish...

today was my first day of fun for my spring break...  look at the beautiful flamingos.

the clouds look awesome!!  they look fake.  it was a beautiful day!!  had tons of fun!

The beautiful walk...

remember the cubicles that i talked about yesterday.  so here i am sitting at one for almost 6 hours.  finished my paper proposal, typed up an outline, researched for my modular class, had my quiet time and lunch... this place is seriously really quiet... i have my earphones in blasting music into my brain that can't stand dead silence.  :)  finally i had to go out... i took a walk around campus.  i have to tell you, we have a pretty campus.  i can't wait until spring takes over because once the leaves start coming in the paths are going to be so much more wonderful.  so as i went out for a walk on this very windy but perfect day, i put in my headphones and start praying... one song grabbed my attention....
Draw me Nearer  - By Meredith Andrews
For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in it's fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord
the desires of my heart in one song.  how beautiful is that?  there are a few lines that really resonate with me...
1.  For Your nearness Lord I hunger, For Your nearness Lord I wait...* i had written yesterday of how i long for the deep deep intimacy with my Father...  and i hunger and wait for it... mmmm.... a smile grows on my face as i think of that deep intimacy with Him... how refreshing!!
2.  In Your nearness there is healing, What was broken now made whole, restoration in its fullness, Lasting hope for all who come* i mentioned how i have been struggling with lies in my life that have left an impression on my heart and life...  as God comes near to me and i draw closer to Him, i know there will be healing, there already has been so much healing... i prayed on this walk that i will be able to let God show me His truth and bring wholeness to my brokenness.  i pray that i could be a picture of restoration... Lord bring lasting hope for me and for those hurting in this world.  
3.  In Your nearness I take shelter, Where You are is where I'm home.* i moved a lot growing up.  there were pros (i am pretty resilient) and cons (no birthday parties) in that, but i felt like a lot of my friends grew up in one area, in one home for all their life... i used to be jealous of that.  when P and i moved to indonesia, i asked him to buy a house there so we would always have a home.  my friend, TB, gave me an article soon after i got there which was about home being where the family was...  i was content with that... as long as i had my family... then P died.  no home again...  then i remember AB telling me about how this is our temporary home here on earth... that our home is in heaven and there my home will be and advised me to raise A with that mindset.  A the other day said, "when i go home..." and i was like, "ummm you are home..."  she said, "no heaven... this is not my home."  this long story is just to say... this life, this place is just temporary...  where my Father is, that is where I'm home and i find shelter in His nearness!!  Lord be ever so near to me!!!
DRAW ME NEARER!!!  
**okay i need to get back to work... i want some time to play!!!**

love

today i had a wonderful lunch date with a dear friend.  she has been a gift from God since i entered into this program at TIU and has been an incredible blessing in my walk with the Lord...  she has been one to rebuke, speak truth, build me up, talk through problems, lies and happenings in my life...  she has been one to pray with me and for me...

so today we were having lunch and she referred to this quote that i am going to share...

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket —safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.


this quote is from CS Lewis' The Four Loves...


my friend, RP, has been a truth teller for me and today as we talked about life, past pains, future hopes, lost dreams, and what God is doing in our hearts... she reminded me of this quote.  so many times in life we try so hard to be comfortable and protect ourselves and loved ones from getting hurt, but the realities of life is... we'll never feel unless we take that risk... jump off the cliff and see if we can fly... and sometimes we have to do it over and over again... it's a risk, but so worth it!! 


in life, i have had my heart hurt by family, friends, boys, church, pastors, God, husband, people i don't even know...  and at times i find myself unintentionally locking up my heart in a casket, not wanting to be hurt by those again or put myself in similar situations so that i won't be hurt...  but the fact of the matter is... that does not give life.  


someone gave me possibly one of the biggest compliments that i have ever heard... said that i was a life giver...  that's pretty powerful.  so i think about that and how if i am a person that gives life, but am locking up my heart to not feel the one thing that does give life... how two faced is that right??  


i want to learn to love.  i want to be vulnerable... to those who have once hurt me, to those who may hurt me  and to those who don't know it yet nor do i know, but will be entangled with me... whoever they are... whenever they come into my path, i want to love.  not keeping it safely locked up that it would in the end be impenetrable, but to freely give... and not because i am able, but the spirit of the ONE WHO IS LOVE is in me.  


Lor d would you teach me to love... love my daughter, love my friends, love my family, love my church, love the lost, love the unseen around me, love the hurting, ....  love YOU!!!  i desire a deep deep intimate love relationship with you... without that Lord, I cannot love.  Lord and as i love, i pray for reconciliation, i pray for restored relationships, i pray for trust, i pray for freedom, i pray for your healing, i pray for forgiveness...  only you are able Lord!!  i lay it all before you and surrender!!  

spring break

If you go to the TIU library there are people that have reserved a cubicle for their studies… I mean these cubicles are covered with books and notes and tons and tons of work and when they are not there, it is guarded by a big sheet of cardboard.  I am currently at my favorite Panera reading pages and pages from textbooks for the next couple weeks and catching up on a couple class readings.  And as I sit here, sun shining outside and people chattering around me (I have headphones in), I can't imagine being one of those people in the cubicle in the corner of the TIU library... so not my cup of tea!!  :)  -  I think I would feel like I'm suffocating.  :)

My spring break is here and I am continuing my normal routines really.  Yesterday we spent it with my sister, but today and tomorrow is all work.  Our nanny is coming as usual and I am going to be productive...  

I have a paper proposal to write, tons and tons of reading to do, a research paper I need to start (which WML has already offered to help me with... thanks a bunch), a 5 page paper on a childhood pathology, an interview outline... 

So I took this personality test for my class and it said that I was serious and adventurous.  Not sure how that co-exists, but my serious side has this check-list next to me so I could check off chapters as I read them and the adventurous side is thinking of something fun and exciting to do this afternoon with A because the weather outside is calling for me to come and play!!!  :)

My spring break is looking into a serious work week, but I can't wait until A's spring break.  I will have a lot of things done by then and my full day of classes happens to be the National Day of Prayer and I don't have to go to my classes, so... we get to go and have fun!!!  WOO HOO!!!  Essentially I have two spring breaks!!!  yay!!!

Alright... I need to go back to reading about mood disorders.  :)