countdown

there are times in your life where you wish you could live in a fairy tale land with bright days and sunshine, birds that sing to you while making your bed and mice that help make your dreams come true... i feel like our vacation has been a fairy tale.  away from the reals in life... away from the busyness of time... away from responsibilities...  A and i have had such a great vacation, i am truly sad that the countdown is now at a little over 12 hours.

a quick look at our vacation...

day 1:  we arrived a little after lunch, rested and headed to our water park.  it is a huge park... there is an indoor and outdoor theme park and and indoor and outdoor water park.  we went around the whole place trying random rides and slides.  then we went to dinner and to bed.

day 2: we went to downtown wisconsin dells where we walked around.  at one point we saw a police chasing a man.  the man was being chased in his car and then stopped his car and started running... i mean like booking it down the street to the building right in front of us with cops right behind him.  i wonder if there weren't so many people on the main drag if there would have been gunshots...  also on our walk we found $10 on the ground.  a special blessing.  :)  we came back to our hotel for a quick lunch and headed to the water parks again.  now if you know me a little, then you would know that i'm seriously scared of roller coasters... so big water slides do about the same thing to me... but what do you do when you have a 6 year old... have to play tough for her sake so she could try the fun stuff right??  so we went on a really scary drop water slide... i had a blast.  i wanted to go on it again, but A was scared.  :)  it was so much fun!!  we went on a lot of other water slides and i think because i know that in the end i'll get wet, it makes it better than a roller coaster that just scares you the whole way.  :)  so we had a ton of fun!!

day 3 (today):  we slept in and went to the water park as it opened.  we went on rides, water slides, went into the wave pool, ate lunch, hopped on the lazy river, wave pool, water slides... we spent like 6 hours at the parks... then we came back to the hotel, took a shower and headed out to dinner.  the disney channel was having a movie at 8 that A wanted to watch so we came to watch that and now she's in bed and i'm packing up to leave.

i enjoy vacations and i feel like we haven't had one like this in a long time, but i realized some things on this trip...

1. A and i love each other like crazy, we have so much fun together and she is a joy to be around.  she would say something crazy and i would start laughing and she would be so proud of herself.  or i would tell her something and she would give me this look that makes me laugh and we just bust out laughing.  she would tell me that i'm miss scaredy pants and i'd dare her to do it and there she goes...  usually after asking for something... like an ice cream afterward.  :)  i would do it too, but that was a way to get her to do the scary stuff.  :)
2. i carry around this fear that i am going to ruin A's life... but i realized that i am a good mom.  not just because we came on this trip, but seeing what a wonderful daughter i have and seeing how she is growing encourages me... i must be doing something right, but on top of that, i got several e-mails, texts and phone calls from people who told me that i am doing a good job with her.  makes me a little confident.
3. we miss P.  
4. A's roots run deep in indonesia.  the whole trip, she kept comparing it to our vacations in indonesia. i know it's because that's where most of our vacations have been, but she would talk about the beach we used to go to or the water park in indonesia.  A loves that place.  she started this bucket after watching the movie "up".  the bucket is to save up for a trip to indonesia.  she wants to go and visit, so started up a fund for it.  when the bucket is full, hopefully we will have enough to go see her roots.
5. i have a lot of work to do when i get home.  :)

this was a fantastic vacation.  i praise God for helping me give myself permission to come on this trip.  it was a struggle for me to allow myself to do this, but God used a few people to talk me into it.  i'm glad He did.  A and i are making tons of memories!!!  i love it!!  thank you God for your goodness during these four years... four years ago on this date, i took heavy, stomach churning steps to our house with eyes full of tears... first time after P's death... to start packing what we needed to bring back to the states and separating what i wanted others to bring later on and what could be thrown away... after a blow to the stomach it seemed impossible to know what to do, but we got it done... tomorrow's date is when we flew back to the states...  i know it's been four years, but that week alone felt like four years... 

it's crazy how i started talking about this great vacation we are having and then... just like that, i go back to these real vivid days of horror, shock, numbness, fear, sadness, grief, unbelief... not many i guess at the age of 27, loses their husband, their home, life, work, future all in a matter of days.  one day you are celebrating the return of your husband who has been gone for a month on what happens to be father's day the next you are preparing a funeral for one in country and one in the states.  phone call after phone call to arrange something from so far away... decisions you have to make...  it seems so crazy.  i still so much appreciate AB (from indo side) and RB (from state side) for walking me through those days.  i mean for what they were going through as well... they really made it easy for me to do what i had to do.  i am amazed at all that so many people had to do to make it possible for us to leave the country with P's body in a matter of four days after his death and to receive us on the other end.  so crazy...  but here we are four years later... A graduated from kindergarten with two front teeth missing, reading bible stories on her own for her quiet time... me finished with my first year of grad school, have all my teeth and pressing hard into God's word to obey what He has for us.  we've come a long way!!  thank you Jesus!!!

thanks for continually praying for us and loving on us!!

cheesehead!!

this is A's favorite ride.

on the go karts.  it was so much fun!!

1460

1460 days equals four years.  i told A that we were going on vacation to celebrate God's goodness to us through these four years since daddy's been gone.  this morning as soon as she woke up, she ran to my room and yelled, "wisconsin dells".  she has heard about this place so much from others that she was totally psyched to come.  we left mid  morning and drove here.

during our drive, A watched movies, colored and listened to stories on the ipod...  while she was doing that, i found myself crying.  for some reason i kept remembering P's last words to me on the phone before he went on the ventilator.... "I'm doing this so I could come home sooner..."  it was so vivid... AB's phone call came at around 11 and i called for my helper to watch A as i went into the study to hear what was going on at the hospital.  AB explained what the doctors had said and then put P on the phone so we could talk before they sedated him for the ventilator.  i cried our whole conversation... i wish i was stronger... this was his first time in the hospital so far away from the known medical system and it involved some serious procedures... all i did was cry and instead of me saying things to get him through what he was probably scared of, he was on the other end telling me everything was going to be okay and he would be home soon... that we would be going back to the states soon... this had to be done so he could get better soon and be with his girls that he had to be away from for a month already.

sometimes you just wish you knew what was going to happen so you don't regret anything... on my drive i remembered going to the store to pick up some pj pants for P to be in while he was in the hospital since i knew they don't give you anything to wear.  i wished today that i didn't waste time doing that and spent more time next to his bed and let him listen to my voice a little more before going.

1460 days... sounds so long and i find myself feeling like it's been centuries since this happened, yet 4 years doesn't sound so long... and i find myself feeling like it has only been 4 years.  so many things can go through your head as you reflect, remember and refresh your body on a day that brings so much emotion...  today is a memory of a horrific tragic day for me... yet i also am thankful at how God has brought me to where I am.

we got to the dells a little past lunch and rested a little before heading to the water park connected to our hotel.  it was so crowded, but we had so much fun!!  i love A's age.  she's now tall enough to do so much and is so brave that i can do so much more with her.  we laughed a lot as we went on  the awesome water slides and talked about how it made us feel (A said she had butterflies in her tummy on some of the rides).  we relaxed on the lazy river...  there were times where we talked about missing daddy and indonesia, but it was all good in the midst of the fun we were having.  i told her that i liked having fun today because daddy was a fun guy and he loved doing fun things with us... so he's probably really glad we are enjoying ourselves!!

we didn't get to our hotel until really close to 10 tonight... we went to eat and then went around for a while...  A fell right to sleep... and i am spending some time reflecting as i blog...

this is a picture i wanted to share.  on wednesday as i was sleeping, A asked if she could watch a veggie tales, i told her she could and then before i know it, she brings me this picture.  she was going to stay with her auntie B because i had to go to my internship orientation and she wanted to make something for her aunt so she went to the extras on the DVD and did the "how to draw" section and drew and colored this for auntie B as a thank you for taking care of her.  i don't know about you, but i think for a 6 year old this is pretty darn good considering it was free hand by following the directions.  as i look at this, i know that she is her daddy's daughter.  i can draw a little bit, but nothing like this.  i am amazed by her.

as i think about what this day means to me... all i can say is that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day... if i could avoid ever experiencing a day like that again, i would.  BUT... this day also means the journey into the abyss that was overcome by light as i let my Father lead me through it.  it's this crazy balance dance... as i said before i do this balancing act between hope and obedience... this crazy balance dance is mourning and grieving, but also rejoicing and being thankful.  

i am exhausted by all that this day brings to me.  off to bed i go.  

i am so thankful for prayers, texts, e-mails and fb messages from many.  grateful for all of you and please continue to pray for us.  we are here til tuesday.  

God is good... all the time!

HICHB

how it could have been....

tomorrow we are getting on the plane to go to the states for our second furlough since we've been here.  P is at the immigration office getting our exit visas and the boys are playing outside in the yard.  A is finishing her Kindergarten work while i finish putting all the kids stuff in their bags to keep them occupied in the plane.  whew... this time it's so different.  when we went back to the states four years ago, we only had A and David was on the way... this time we have A, David (what we were going to name A if she was a boy) and Jeremiah (a name that i really like, but P was not really into it) with this little one on the way, due a few months into our time in the states.  God has been so good during our past three years back here, growing our family and blossoming our ministry.  the english center has been doing so well.  we have a steady group of college students coming and have recently gotten some moms coming in for conversation classes.  P has been pretty busy managing the center, teaching and being an involved daddy as i have been teaching and raising kids while homeschooling, so we are excited to have some down time when we get the states and restore our hearts and spirits as we take our furlough and meet the newest member of our family.  most of all we are excited to be with family and friends to tell you of all the awesome things the Lord has been doing in our life here and where He is leading us for the next season of our life.

how it is...

tomorrow A and i are heading to wisconsin dells to celebrate the life of P.  i like doing fun things to remember him, he was a fun guy... this year for some reason i really feel like being alone and getting away. A is totally pumped up to go and i'm ready to have a vacation.  i'm hoping to get some reading done and getting some down time.  i hope to have tons of fun with A since when we get back i will have a week of intense class and then my internship will be full force.  i have been looking through pictures and reading through journals, past blogs... God has been really good and faithful.  as we spend our time away, having fun is going to be great, but i also want to reflect on these past four years and find God's hand at work in our lives throughout these years.  as i have made some significant changes in my life, i am excited to see God's will unfold for us in this next season of our life!!  it's exciting and scary all at the same time, but i choose to continue to follow the Lord that has been with me through the valley of the shadow of death!!

please pray for us as we remember, reflect and refresh!!

toothless

this is my toothless!!

God is extremely good to me.  This week I started my internship and it has been incredible.  I feel the deepest passion in my heart rising  up from somewhere inside that hasn't been touched in a while.  The Lord is taking me on an adventure that I am actually kind of scared of going on, but willing to step out of this comfy boat of mine to see if I could walk on water or not.  So thankful for friends, my sisters in Christ, that have helped take care of A for these days of internship as it is not with children yet, but more of the planning aspect and getting to know the organization along with the families that we will be working with.  As the program starts, A will be joining me and I think it will be a great experience for the both of us.  God is going to use A as well and I pray this will only plant the deep passions in her heart that she will live for in the future for the Lord.

These past couple days, I have gotten a couple letters and a conversation about how people are praying for me this week.  Thank you!!  I can't believe it will be four years this weekend.  I have been thinking about it and my emotions are a little down, but in the midst of that, what I wrote about already is giving me hope for the future.  I do fall into some dark days during this time, but I know that it won't be too long.  Taking it a day at a time and will continue to hope for and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.  

A and I are going on vacation in celebration of P's life and celebration of God's goodness to us over these four years.  Please be praying for us!!  We are so grateful for all of you who continue to read this, pray for us and support us!!

talent

my daughter loves to dance... she gets that from her mama...  :)  today she had her performance after 9 months of classes.  i know i brag a lot of my little girl, but i'm just so thankful for the way she is growing.  she's really quite a kid!!  thank you so much for all our friends for coming out and supporting her and loving on A!!!  i really appreciate all of you!!

in the elevator of our condo

this is the whole dance company

A's class

dreams do come true...

my last post was about making your dreams come true.  one of the personality tests i took was an assessment of my likes and dislikes... interests and things i would rather avoid... depending on that, they gave us careers to pursue and avoid and even gave us possible interests to explore or look into... so one of the things that was on my explore list was under the category of producing was woodworking, mechanics and things like that... so today my dream came true and i understood why the test would tell me to develop that part of my life.  

rewind... when i was in junior high... my favorite class was shop.  i made a seriously cool clock and a cutting board.  it was super awesome!!  when i was 3... this is classic... my parents caught me at the tv with a screwdriver.  when they asked what i was doing, apparently i told them i was going to open the tv to get the people out...  so i think i'm gifted in that way some how... :)

a few days ago, A told me that our DVD player was broken.  i took a look at it and well... the DVD was stuck in there.  today... i finally got around to fixing it.  took the whole thing apart got the DVD out and now A is watching a movie.  :)  

i wonder how i could develop this wonderful skill i have... ha ha...

dreams are what you make of it...

yesterday i started my career counseling class.  it is not a required class for my new program, but i heard it was really good, so i am auditing it.  it is quite interesting and during the past two days i have been learning a lot about myself... honestly i have enjoyed it because i don't have to do any of the work  :)... just show up for class.  it's really relaxing and stress free.  so like today, i went to class and as the class took a test, i sat at my seat looking at facebook, returning emails to people and figuring out my schedule.

before i tell you more about this topic, i want to rewind a little bit and tell you about an amazing opportunity that i have been given this summer.  i have been praying about what to do this summer.  it has been a lot of tossing around of ideas, praying and discussing with people about what i should do this summer.  i had originally thought that i would do 3 summer classes and work.  through the program changes, i didn't have to take those 3 classes, instead i am auditing one and taking one.  so then i started looking for a job, since i got my teaching certificate renewed, i started looking for teaching jobs, but as i looked at the schedule, i didn't like the fact that all school year, A and i are in our own school worlds and during the summer as well i would be busy.  P and i wanted to raise our kids with mom at home and him doing the work... i know it's different situation, but i was praying through and calculating if i really wanted to sacrifice time with my daughter during the summer since our school year is so crazy.  after much thinking and discussions and brainstorming and praying... i had an idea...i thought of my friend KD.  she is a friend that works for World Relief here in Chicago.  i thought if i could volunteer with them, i could get experience with other cultures (which i have been missing) and start looking into the directions that God would have for me in the future.  so i called KD and she hooked me up with her co-worker... long story short... i am interning this summer with World Relief with the youth summer program... best part... A gets to go with me!!!  i am all about having A being part of my processing, so when this opportunity came up, i told her to pray about it and see if this is what God would have us do together to serve him.  the next day, as we were walking, A says, "mom, God says we should do it."  so out of the blue, i wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, then she said, "God said we should go be with the kids and tell them about Jesus."  i was moved.  my little baby... so we are going to serve God this summer in this program... Lord willing we will have opportunities to connect with the people there...

okay so back to my class... while the rest of the class was taking the test, i sat and scheduled my summer with this program and everything... a trip to kansas... hoping to take a trip just me and A to somewhere near by...  you know...  anyway... this class has been very introspective.  it's an interesting mix of students... i am learning about myself.  i have taken the meyers-briggs personality test like 3 times in the last 5 years or so... the first time i took it in 2006 and i was and ENFJ... in 2009 i changed drastically to an ESFP...  interesting...  then i took it for this class and i'm an ESFJ.  along with the meyers-brigg, i also took a couple other tests and it all came out that i am extroverted and a strong social butterfly.  ha ha... my sister said, "you needed a test to tell you that??"  but anyway, today in my group we were discussing each of our personalities and what we would be good at and my professor said, "Esther, an ESFJ is a hostess..."  and i was like, "YES that's totally me!!!"  my classmates who knew me agreed as well with enthusiasm.  so anyway... i have been learning about myself...

in that, my professor talks about how most people have 2-3 careers in a lifetime and most of the people hate their job and never get to do their dream job.  i'm 31.  lived a lot of life during these 31 years.  if i am going to do anything, i want it to be something i really enjoy and fits me... not something i'm just good at, but that i'm good at and enjoy!!!  (because my tests say that i have skills for administration, but it's not something i should do because i hate it.)  i want to invest into something that brings me life as i bring people to Christ!!  so what would that be??? orphanage?  school?  a cafe?  foster parenting?  adopting?  teaching?  throwing parties all the time?  game nights at my house?  these are all things that i think of and smile about... totally excited!!!  Lord... lead me... i want to obey, have hope, do it with joy and do it for a long time!!!  grow me into the woman you want me to be!!!  after this year, Lord willing i will be done with my program and i pray that you will lead me into my next steps... whether it be overseas teaching... or here opening my house to those that need one... or in the city with under privilege children...  or somewhere totally new with something only God can put together... or maybe God has plans for me at World Relief... whatever it may be... i want to reflect Him in all i do with joy and excitement!!  i don't want to hate what i do or have this dream that i never get to try... right??  life's too short for that.

a picture to remind you to be praying for us!!