5th floor wonders

we live on the 5th floor of our condo that overlooks a bank parking lot, but if you look out to the distant you can see the chicago skyline. i love having our balcony doors open and letting the wind blow in.  and the good thing about the 5th floor is that it's high up, so even though it's cold out, it's hot in here and because our condo faces the sun most of the day.  i really like our place and am so thankful for God's provision of this place.  one of the things we saw from our balcony that i absolutely love is...

this reminds me of the promises that the Lord has given me.  i love seeing rainbows because i feel like God through these rainbows not only reminds me of His promises but also His beauty.  i enjoy watching God's beauty around me and it takes my breath away seeing beauty like that... like this rainbow... and it brings hope to me... that God is making my life that beautiful... even in the midst of midterms, papers, emotional rollercoasters, heartaches and troubles... ERP is a beautiful creation of God.  

if i could describe how my life is now as a season, i feel like it is fall... all the changing, the falling out of the dying leaves, some branches that lay bare in the cold... and i eagerly wait for winter to pass so that the warm spring weather could bring the beautiful new growth of the stuff that died out.  God is really working in my heart in a lot of different ways, having me reflect on Him and my heart, directing me to what i need to invest in and what i need to let go...  fall is a beautiful season...  it's a season where all you can do is wait and hope for the change to occur.  

these are the thought of a girl on the 5th floor.  

Blessings

Last week was a terror.  BUT thank you for your prayers.  It ended well and in the end, I was blessed with two extra days off for the beginning of this next coming week.  I got an e-mail canceling my one class on Monday and Tuesday is the National day of prayer, so we classes are canceled for us to have good prayer time.

So yes last week was tough... emotionally, physically and spiritually...  but Thursday after all my work was complete, I attended chapel.  This week was special because Urbana band was there to lead worship.  It was utterly amazing to be with the body of believers praising and praying together... I felt like I was in heaven.  It was beautiful.  We praised and at one point we were praising in different languages... It was so uplifting.  I realized, I need more of that in my life!!!

Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for me!!!

One thing I would like to ask prayer for before I close... Please pray for A.  As the Halloween season is here... there are lots of images that are scary and she's been losing sleep over this, which also means poor mama is losing sleep.  Please pray that she will sleep well at night and she will hold tight to the truth that God says, "fear not for I am with you."

Thank you seriously for continued prayers.  I could feel them!!!

Please Pray

I sit here in front of the computer coveting your prayers.  I have been feeling very overwhelmed for the past few days with the responsibility of wearing so many different hats... super mom, student who finishes work, helping out at A's school, wanting a life : to be able to hang out with friends, homemaker, and so on.  It's takes my breath away.  I was talking to a classmate today and I felt so good that she too felt like having a panic attack.  That's me.  I have a lot of school work to do, but also life is still here...  A wants to carve a pumpkin, play, read books... I have to cook dinner and do dishes (although today I got home and KB had done the dishes... Thanks girl!!!)... laundry, clean the house... relax and take a breather...

So that's what I do now as I ask for prayer... I need an extra boost to get over this hump... mid semester and so much is coming up due fast.

Okay back to work... or maybe sleep.

Listen and you will hear...

Today after church, I came home by myself.  A wanted her friend to come over and since I had midterms I told her no, but then the mom of her friend, who is also a good friend of mine, SR, said that she would take A instead.  So I got to drive home on my own.  The drive is not long, with traffic the longest it would take is like 20 minutes.  I prayed on the way home of some things on my heart and for others that came to my mind...  And as I ended my time of prayer this hymn hit me strong.  


Here is love vast as the ocean

Here is love vast as the ocean, loving kindness as a flood
On the mount of crucifixion, fountains opened deep and wide
When the prince of life our ransom, shed for us His precious blood
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy, flowed a vast and gracious tide

Who his love will not remember, who can cease to sing His praise?
Grace and love like mighty rivers, flowed a incessant from above
He will never be forgotten, throughout heaven’s eternal days
Heavens peace and perfect justice, kissed a guilty world with love.

I came home and looked up these words.  Here it is... God's love is vast as an ocean.... I mean you could read the lyrics yourself.  It's something else isn't it... the promises and truths of God. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God!!!

Beautiful night

I like sending things out to the unknown world of internet.  Somehow I feel like I am being heard and get to release all that I want to talk about.

These past few nights I have had some really good dates with Jesus.  Sitting in my green big comfy chair talking to Jesus about the things in my heart and asking Him what He thinks.  It's been a great time with Him.

Tonight I sit out on my balcony looking out into the dark sky and it's beautiful with the patches of white clouds still up there.  Far out in the distance I could see the lights of the tall buildings that surround my favorite city of Chicago.  It's beautiful as I sit here.  Such a still quiet night, despite the cars buzzing by my street.

This blog has been a place I come to in order to be vulnerable.  I remember times when people would come up to me and say how they read my blog and were praying for me.  Not sure how many are still interested now that the storm is over, but I want to continue to be vulnerable because although the storm is over, the after effects of it still reside in my life as well as A's life.

These days I have been thinking of my journey and just in amazement of how far we have come.  Maybe it is because soon my life without P will be longer than with him as married people and that just seems to have a reflective effect to my heart.  I think of how good our marriage was and how God was in it from the beginning.  I loved the way P lead our family and never wavered at that task, but still was able to vulnerable and broken with me.  I think God could not have brought a more perfect person in my life to help me, even after he was gone, through some of the toughest times of my life.

It's funny how prideful this may sound, but I don't mean this at all in a prideful way...  I have grown and have become such a big godly girl in God's eyes.  I still have so much to grow, but really I am at such a better place in my life in so many different ways.

As I reflect in the past, I wonder about the future and some days I do get paralyzed at the thought of being single for the rest of my life.  This is not at all because I don't think I could do it because with God all things are possible and again not to be prideful but God and I have done quite well thus far.  Yet I so enjoyed married life, that I can't imagine not having it again.  I long and desire a partner, I want someone that I could make decisions with, I desire a daddy for A, I long to sit on this balcony with someone and share the beauty of the night under this nice fluffy blanket, I want to sit on the couch all snuggled and watch a movie, I want Friday night dates...  All these things and more I so much long for.

I know I've wrote this before on previous blogs desiring this, but this time I would really like to ask you, whoever you are that still reads this, to pray for me.  I want to be content in whatever situation, but still have a healthy desire for what is natural.  God designed us to desire the opposite sex, so I know I'm not abnormal...  but I would like to see this happen soon.  Let me tell you I ain't getting any younger.  At 31, I think how my biological time is ticking.  :)  I would love to have more kids.  I remember when I told P that I wanted 10 kids, he said, "Let's see.  One at a time."  ha ha... I'm not crazy enough to have 10 kids, but I have always wanted lots of kids, adopted, foster, whatever... at one point I visioned having a home where people knew they could drop off their kids no questions asked and I would take care of them, of course this is in Indo not here... it wouldn't fly.

I have dreams and a vision, but not to say that God can't do it, but it's hard as a single-parent.  And one day, when I get a job and A is older perhaps this could all still be a possibility, but I am a firm believer that children need both parents, so if I could provide A with a daddy... SCORE!!!

A couple weeks ago, in the car I was praying and God put on my heart to wrestle...  I remembered the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with the Lord all night til the Lord blessed him.  And I felt a strong desire to wrestle with the Lord, of course not like Jacob, but to be fervently pray for this particular subject until I get confirmation... either I am to be single for however long the Lord desires or that He will bring someone along.  (Obviously I am to be single now, but I would like Him to take this desire away if it is not to happen.)

My sweet A would also like to see this happen.  One night she asked me, "Mom, how come God is not answering our prayer.  We've been praying a long time for a daddy and we still don't have one."  A couple nights ago A said, "Mommy, if I get new daddy then I will have a new last name and I will have three grandmas and grandpas."  And I just want to wrestle harder...  She is so into this too...  Her desire is big as well as mine.

So on this beautiful Friday night, as my heart longs to be out on a wonderful date, I covet your prayers that one day soon that day will come.

My friend told me the other night how she thinks P will be laughing at the conversation that we were having, which was what this blog is about.  I think he will be and I'm sure he's praying for just the right man to come along to take care of his girls.

for some reason

today was the first day of fall break, which to me means that i do not have to go to one class.  this morning i got some school work done that i needed to catch up on which was great.  then i went down to moody to surprise A with a visit with her uncle.  it was a fun surprise and they had a great date.  thank MP for loving on her!!

on the way home, A fell asleep so as i drove i kind of did some thinking and for some reason... i remembered days where i could not sleep and days where i thought tomorrow would take forever to come.  i remembered taking naps and dreaded the feeling of waking up to the same day.  i remembered tears soaking up my pillows and the fear that came to facing the next day.  how did i make it?  and here i am... those days seems so far away, but are so still close to my heart.  going through those days are what made me who i am today...  

now i think wow i made it through...  God thank you for your faithfulness... your goodness...  

Navy Pier

7 years ago on October 2, I got engaged to the man of my dreams.  This year the date came and went and I didn't even think about it.  At first guilt overtook me, but then I thought, wow I'm actually moving on.  I spent that day with JM at the bear's game and had so much fun.  I think it was all in God's grace that I could smile today and think of what a wonderful day that was at Navy Pier when P proposed then smile again at the hope of one day having a memory like that again with a man of my dreams.

As I type this, I realize that by the end of this month, I would have lived longer without P than with him as marrieds and that's just a crazy thought.  Yet as we watch home videos today, I think of what a major part he was and how I couldn't be who I am without him nor could I be raising the bestest daughter ever.

Navy Pier was a beginning to a wonderful chapter in my life.  I pray that some day soon the Lord will bring another significant place for me to start a new chapter at.  Until then, I continue to hope and trust in God's faithfulness.

God you are good and your faithfulness endures forever!!