it passed

a while back i put a prayer request for summer job... how i need my teaching license renewed and it could be easy (if the law passed) or a bit harder with having to take some classes...  well the bill passed!! yay!!  my summer is not turning out the way i planned, so we'll see what this all means.  but either way i'm going to renew my license!!  praise God!!!

boys

so this semester i have had an interesting experience.  i have been super careful since P's death to be a wise widow with good boundaries, especially living overseas wanting to protect myself.  coming back to the states was a culture shock for me in this department, if you think of where i came from, i think you could understand a little bit... the country i lived in, you really didn't look at the opposite sex in the eye let alone be in a room alone with them....  anyway being the program i am in, i felt really safe since the majority of my program are women.  there are a few men, most married.  so all that to say, this semester boys have been on the rise in my classes.

• my formation group had like four men, which my formation group last semester, besides my professor were all girls.
• my psychopathology class was a good even split between men and women.  
• my biblical theology and interpretations class was mostly men, since most of them were MDiv students.
• my counseling skills class was like 80 percent men.  

i remember when i started this semester, i was a little overwhelmed thinking what in the world is going on... i didn't quite know what to do with myself.  i remember this guy in my skills class giving me a fist bump one day and while i was doing it feeling awkward, not quite sure what to make of it.  i mean i had male students in indo, but clearly i was the teacher and like 10 years their senior, so no problems when i gave them a high five or whatever... here... it was weird.  didn't know what to do.  

this semester has been a learning experience for me and i had some really good safe people to help me along this path of dealing with boys.  that may sound funny to you, but i really didn't know what to do.  i guess right after P's death, it was more i felt like any contact with men was like a betrayal to P.  then as time went on, i didn't know how to interact, i was so vulnerable and didn't want to attach myself to anyone. then being overseas and living in the culture there it made it easier really... but still the states is something different.  so to be in a formation group with men and being vulnerable, sharing prayer requests and telling stories...  then to be in classes with men, talking and joking around with them.  one of my classes i had to be counseled by men and tell them my problems... and i was really hesitant about that.  but slowly as the semester went on, it got more comfortable and i made a few good friends through this process.  

the reason i am telling this story, one is just to let you know where i have been in this process and how i have been processing, but the other reason was to tell the funny story of today.

i was in the library from 9:30-5:30 today.  i studied for a test i will take tomorrow (which i hear is a killer and i'm kind of not sure if i'm ready for) and studied for a test i took today.  anyway... as i sat in my seat, i had a classmate come over and talk to me.  it was encouraging because he is in my formation group and has a similar story as me, so i really appreciate him.  a little after he left, a classmate from the class we were having a test that evening for came in and asked to sit and study with me.  again these guys in my class have slowly become comfortable safe friends... so he sat and we were studying.  then another guy from our class came over and asked to sit with us.  there we were the three of us studying... and interestingly enough, throughout the day, guys from our class came to sit and talk with us, joked around and left... we all went to eat lunch together.  one of the guys and i even went to the grocery store together for our potluck after our final.  the thing i reflect on is how before i would automatically start calculating if this was okay or not, what kind of message is being sent, feeling rather guilty of the whole situation or feeling awkward and just wanting to run from it...  i'm not saying i shouldn't be careful, but i'm saying... i have been missing out on good guy friendships.  

the last couple hours, we were all tired out from studying and started talking... and this is the whole point of the story... boys will be boys... it's kind of funny how i forgot how silly guys are.  so here i am finishing up looking over the last of my notes and the two guys in front of me with headphones in their ears are shaking with laughter, both looking at their own computers.  then they get my attention and tell me to go to www.howitshouldhaveended.com .  i went to it.  i watched two videos and was like... yeah don't think it's that funny.... i mean these guys were shaking and laughing really hard... i said, "i can't say that i liked it."  and one of the guys goes, "yeah it's dude humor."  and i just laughed.  

it was a good experience today.  the Lord has been growing me in many ways.  the thing is this... those guys have no idea that this was a struggle of mine, but through their genuineness and acceptance of who i am, they have changed me and unknowingly helped me get to a point where i am not overanalyzing every situation and planning my next move before i do anything...  in a safe environment, i am learning, i could be myself and let my hair down a little bit.  

i know there are those of you that are probably super nervous about this and want me to always be careful....  :)  i will always be careful... i'm learning that i don't have to have huge walls up to be careful.  

what's in a vimeo??

Here is a story...

http://vimeo.com/38033654

laminin

my world rocked after P died... then i watched this... this is exactly what i needed to rock it back... to start building my life back together (watch the short version that i haver here... guarantee you will want to find the original long version - it's good!!  actually just click on the one below the short version, i found it for you).  THIS is what i want to be about!!  Laminin!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0-NPPIeeRk  (short version)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=PtpTk2ENq7o  (full version)

my biggest blog fan

this is my friend JM (red).  we celebrated her "1/2 way to 70" birthday this past weekend.  she is one friend that is very sacrificial and enjoys serving people, which has been such a blessing.  she is probably my biggest blog fan.  i will put things on the blog and within the day i'll hear from her... she'll text me or something and let me know that she read it then give me input, encourage me or tell me she's praying.  i really appreciate her!!  so i thought i would dedicate this post to her for her birthday.  thanks for being my biggest fan!! thanks for taking care of me and being such a good aunt to A.  we love you and hope you enjoyed your birthday weekend!!  **ummm i am definitely not in the mood to study anymore.   let's do something fun this summer!!**

pictures from her surprise party

the kids had tons of fun!!

happy birthday JM!!

happy birthday aunt J!

passivity and trusting God

recently i had an interesting conversation with a classmate.  we were talking about men's sin of passivity.  i thought that was interesting, but then i remember the book i read called, "every woman's battle".  the author talked about how the woman's sin is control.  those two things really play together don't they?  so my classmate was just saying how men are naturally more passive, not really knowing or wanting to take action... then he mentioned what happened in the Garden.  intriguing huh?  i've been thinking about this... pondering just the ramifications of this in our society.  God says that men are the head of the household... how does that work if they are passive?  i'm not at all saying that all men are passive, but more that it could be their more natural tendencies.  for women it is to take control... again not all women are like this, but i think of the line from the movie "my big fat greek wedding" - "men are the head, but women are the neck that turns the head"- and that's how we as a society looks at it.  i've heard things like, "she's got him whipped" or "we know who's wearing the pants in that house"...  why am i saying this?  i don't know... i just thought of it.  it's an interesting concept...

the second half of my subject line... trusting God.  today in church PP talked about "by faith..." when the bottom drops out in your life how there is an upside of the adversity.  boy do i know what that means...  so here were the points and what i was thinking as the points were being stated...

1. by faith... obeying God, even when we don't know the specifics
• when God asked me to return to indo, i fought with Him, but He gave me psalm 37 and told me to trust Him.  so i went... not knowing where i was going to live, what i was going to do, who i would meet... i just went.  and the Lord showed me that He is worth obeying and trusting.  we got our old house back, i found a job and i met incredible people all the while.
2. by faith... waiting for God, even when we don't receive the answers in this life
• when P died, i had questions... still do at times, but the questions that i probably won't know until i see Jesus face-to-face are "what happened?", "why did it happen?", "how come so soon?", "what's the purpose in all this?"...  there are things that happened this semester and i think "what happened?" and some of the same questions, but even those won't be answered on this side of heaven.  the best thing is that i know my God is way bigger than any of the questions that i raise.  i just need to trust that God knows what's best for me and i need to continue to trust in His goodness and faithfulness that He has been showing me, for He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
3. by faith... stay confident in God, even when things seem impossible
• this has been a struggle for me that i think i have blogged about before... wanting to take things into my own hands (ha the woman in me... innate control?)  but i am continually abiding in Him and being confident not because i am anything or have done anything, but the spirit that resides in me continues to give me the confidence i need and speaks truths into my heart that i may not lean on anything else.
4. by faith... sacrificing for God, even when i costs us dearly.
• sometimes i think, "God you wouldn't ask me to give up anything else, would you?", but when i start thinking i always come back to the fact, as AH always says to me, "He got you through this darkness, you could go through anything and make it through the other side and you'll be fine."  it does hurt to sacrifice, but by faith when we obey, there is always blessings on the other side.

passivity and trusting God....

now that i think about it, P had some passivity in him.  funny thing, it was never toward me.  he was very assertive and confident and sure about me and toward me... but there were some things that he was passive about that drove me crazy.  :)  so even in the best of them, there is some passivity.  :)  ha ha...

let's not be passive and be active participants in trusting God - men and women alike.  :)

thoughts for the night before bed, after studying this evening.  tired and ready for finals to be over!!  please pray that i will be able to retain what i read and study.  please pray for my health as well as A's... still not 100%.

FB fast

i'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but i spend too much time on facebook.... not only that.. i have had a pretty tough emotional semester for spring of 2012.  fb is used to detach me from what i need to work through and really abide and cling to God.  so for now i have deactivated my account.  i will post as many pictures and info about us on here, but i will not be on facebook.

if you need to contact please e-mail: zepenner@tiu.edu

that's it... i'm not sure how long this will be, but i want to work through some stuff and get my heart in the right place before i go back on.  :)  i feel like people will be worried as i re-read this, but it's nothing serious, just enough that i know i should separate myself right now from distractions and really discern His voice from the ones around me.  please pray for me as God puts us on your heart.