Have any of you ever asked the question "why?" to God? Have any of you said, "Okay God that's enough?" Have any of you almost broke down like a little kid and threw a tantrum?
Well today was that day. I asked God all the why questions I could come up with... It started yesterday afternoon when I went to go turn on my computer and it wouldn't work. It turned on and the screen came on, but when I went to type, it wouldn't type... then the screen went black. I tried several times to restart it with no success... I was kind of depressed last night thinking about how I would be "cut off" from the world for who knows how long. I prayed and threw a little tantrum... "God what else do you want to take from me?"
Praise God that in the midst of my poor attitude, God still loves me and had JM call me all the way from Macau. I was so blessed. We talked and then she prayed for me. What a good sister huh? I felt so much better afterward. Then my sister called, my real sister, and we talked. Thank you Lord for that.
But then... today I as I mentioned before, my heart was full of "I've had enough God". I really was on the verge of breaking down. I knew that if someone said one thing wrong, I would just start crying. I knew that if probably someone even looked at me wrong, I could cry... It was not good. I sent out a text to my friends asking them to pray for me. I couldn't handle it.
Some people are probably like "what seriously over your computer?" but I've had a few hard weeks and on top of that was my computer... So yes over my computer.
Anyway... I tried really hard to keep myself together and I did... I didn't break down, although I really wanted to with all my being... But if you read the book, "BIG GIRLS DON'T WHINE" big girls in Christ are a consistent being, even through hard things, so I just kept talking to God throughout the day... even though it was a little childish my conversation, I wanted to talk to Him and no one else... I told him all that I felt... How I thought it was unfair and I just had enough and don't think I could handle anymore for right now...
As you are reading, you could probably tell that I am typing... and Yes it is on my own computer. I got home and took a nap with A, exhausted emotionally from my discussions with God. When I woke up, I looked at my computer and thought, I'll just try and see.. MIRACLE. It's working. I mean seriously... yesterday I was banging on my keyboard... today, it's typing so smoothly. Praise God...
I am reminded about what God had spoke to be earlier this week. I was thinking about suffering earlier this week. Just thinking how God gives different sufferings to different people and the amount of it is even different and even how some sufferings are something to laugh at to some people... like my computer could be a laughing matter to some people, but to me it was a true suffering for the day... but to others, it is a true heart wrenching struggle.
As I was thinking, praying and just reading through some scripture about suffering, I was reminded of the story of the talents. How the master gave each of his servants different talents, one he gave 5, the other 2, and the last 1. When he came back, the one with 5 doubled his and he was rewarded. The one with 2 also doubled and he was rewarded. Yet the last one, hid his 1 talent and brought it to his master and he was rebuked.
Then to think of the blind man, when people asked Jesus if the man was blind because of his sins or his parents sins, Jesus responds by saying it was for the glory of God and heals him.
Put those two stories together and I thought how God gives us suffering, it's part of being a follower of Christ, we are guaranteed to suffer. But God allows us to experience suffering, every one to his own ability to handle, in order that we could bring glory to His name.
I thought how if after P died, I just hid myself in some apartment in Chicago and never let people see what the Lord is doing for me, God would be terribly sad. He for some reason, let me experience this suffering, and like the talent, I don't think He desires for me to hide it and just wait for His return to give Him back what He gave me... I sense that He would like to use it for His glory. And like the blind man, I have heard people ask questions about people who are suffering, if they had sinned. Yes, it could be, but I also believe, like that of the blind man, God allows things to happen for His glory. That's all He cares about and that's really all we should care about...
So yes, sad to say, I had a break down today, not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but nonetheless a break down. I don't think that will be the last one. I mean come on, growing in Christ is a process and sometimes we just throw a tantrum, BUT... I surrender my life back to the Lord and trust that He will only give me what I can bear and ask that I will continue to grow and not fall weary.
Please continue to pray for us... please don't forget. I got a chance to talk to one of our prayer warriors right before reading this, LN, and He was telling me how much he and his wife prays for us. Really prayer is all that gets us through life, so please don't forget to pray for A and me.
Pray for safety and health. Please continue to pray for our future, that I would be ever ready to listen to what the Lord has for me.
Also pray in areas the Lord brings to your heart.
Please Please Please pray coverage over us spiritually that Satan will have NO, ABSOLUTELY NO HOLD IN ANY PART OF OUR LIVES.
We love you and really appreciate your prayers.
