So last night... I wrote a letter to P ... and thought I would share it... the thing is... it's not over and I don't think it ever will be... and for a while I thought that if I stopped thinking about it, stopped blogging about it... it would not exist... but I know that's not true, so I'm not going to stop...
My dear P…
One more week and I enter into a life that you never had… the 30s. Why me and not you? I’m sure people think I’m sad because I’m turning 30, but it’s not… I’m sad you aren’t here to make it fun… I’m sad because… I'm passing 29... and you were just 29... I'm sad because... Well I was hoping even though you were gone, the Lord would hear my one desire of not wanting to be alone on my 30th birthday… And here I am, just me… sitting on a couch, watching a love story, in tears thinking of the what could have beens again and desiring a totally awesome present from God for my 30th.
I remember when you cried at my birthday stories. I remember how you tried to make my birthdays so special. I remember we would start at least a month earlier, sometimes earlier. I remember how you always made me think that I was the best thing ever…
I miss you… The thing is daily I miss you… but I’m so busy with life and I don’t want to get soft or off track or weak… I want to stay tough… You know get life going each day and raising our daughter…
P… I’m not sure if you could hear everything and if you even know what goes on around here. I don’t know how all this works… missing you and still ever so badly wanting a new person in my life. I want to be married again… be intimate with someone… and I’m not just talking physically… I’m talking about all the deep dark secrets and you know really trusting someone. Someone to raise A with… someone to share a chocolate cake with… someone to make decisions with … someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with… someone to deal with the water and elpiji stuff… someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me how wonderful I am… P… I don’t like being alone. And I feel it so much… I hate you for making me do this all alone… I hate you for leaving me… sometimes I wish I wasn’t here… that I was with you and I only live because I have to… for A. Sometimes I just want to lie in bed and stay there… but I get up to the voice of a little girl that tells me I need to make her milk because it only tastes good when I make it… And that’s why I breath sometimes… even though my most inner self just wants to crawl up in a ball and cry…
Cry because other people are going out on dates…. Cry because others are getting engaged and married… cry because I just don’t want this life. Cry because… well… I have a line with 30 circles across my living room and I love it, but one part of me just wants to scream because well… I’m turning 30 without you. And then I get mad because you are up there enjoying yourself and not even asking God to send me someone to help me… mad because if you really loved me, you would be praying extra hard up there for me and A to have someone to help us… But instead you’re just up there enjoying yourself… and I just want to yell… why do you get the better end of the deal? Why when we said, “til death do us part…” did it happen to me? I just don’t understand and I just want you to make it all better…
I’m so frustrated… P… What happened? I mean… in my mind we were going to live this great life together serving the Lord and just enjoy… be happy… be P and E… But now I’m starting to think who’s name is E going to be next to now? I wonder how I’m going to meet this person… I think of how we met for the first time in 2003… when you walked into my classroom and my heart like knew you were going to be the one. I knew… and as time went on… it only became more solid… I so desire to feel that way again… I’ve gotten glimpses of it but P… my heart breaks because I am so scared to be rejected… I’m so scared that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life… I’m so scared that no one will think of me the way you did and I’m just going to be this widow that everyone could rely on, but no one wants… And I really thought because you and I had it so good that you would get up there and just make things happen with your conversations with Christ… and the more I wait the more I’m realizing that it’s just not going to happen so fast… and I’m sad.
My heart is heavy… and the thing is, I’m still grieving and I’ll still have grieving days, months and years from now… when I turn 30… when I go on my first real time in the states (like now as I prepare to leave... I think of how we were preparing before you went to be with the Lord)… when I’m back in the states… when A turns five… when I start dating… when I get married… I can’t get away from you… as much as I want to hide from you, I can’t… you’re there and always will be and whenever I do the big things in life you’ll be there and sometimes even in the small things… like when I make bread and gravy for A… I’ll think of you and grieve that you are not making it for A. And you totally stink for making me do this all by myself and on top of that just making me do it for so long. Don’t you think two years were enough… I mean come on… I leave you for one weekend and you were a mess not knowing what to do with A’s hair and if her outfit matched… but then you leave me here for so long…. P… I don’t want to do this anymore… I want to go on vacation and enjoy it as a family… I want A to enjoy being on a man’s shoulder that's her own…
I don’t say these things… I feel I’m not being strong enough… not saying that God is enough… and so I try not to think about it as much, but it’s on my mind all the time. I try not to think about it… but your absence is so pronounced day by day… how could I not think about how you are gone and then go into the… how I long for someone else? Please P… you're gone forever... won't you put in a good word for us?
P… I wish I could talk to you. You don’t show up in my dreams… maybe like three times you showed up in my dreams...
I love you and miss you… A misses you too… a lot!!! She needs her daddy… and every night she thanks Jesus for Mommy, A, Jesus and Daddy, then she prays for a new daddy that is silly, fun and love Jesus, Mommy and A.
Put in a good word for us would you… you’re right there. I'm tired...
Your Es
