Memories are a funny thing... they just come without any warning. It could be triggered by a color, a smell, a picture... And it could take you from now to three, five, ten years back. All of a sudden you are in the past and sometimes the exact emotions arise.
Today I was on a public transportation (the travel) back home, A sleeping on my lap. Listening to my IPod, I looked out the window into the crazy traffic when we went past this truck that had some kind of box in the back with tags that looked like it was from the airport. This image for some reason took me to the O'hare airport the day we arrived after P's death. The memory of sitting on a picnic bench with RB talking about funeral arrangements as we waited for "cargo" - P's body- to get into the hearse. That one truck with the box in the back, took me back to the day I walked through customs with AB and A... the day A cried at baggage claims saying we had to go back to get daddy... the day I met my parents and sister, hearts shattered for their little girl... the day I met RB and TB sitting on the bench, RB sick to his stomach probably... Again driving over to the cargo area and waiting to make sure that P's body arrived safely and was going to a safe place.
This memory not only took me to the past, but then I started thinking of the visit I am getting ready for. P and I were getting ready to go back to the states when he died. The way I went back last time was definitely not the way we planned... and this past memory brought me to the present and just the unbelief that I am doing this on my own... I thought I was done with the firsts.
Memories could take us on such incredible journeys.
God has been so good to me. Through my journey through the past and into the future today because of the truck, I realized where I had been, where I have come and makes me confident of my future. Remembering His promises for me and remembering all that He's done for me.
I do not say this because I think this is the answer to all that I wrote in the previous blog, the letter to P. My heart still is heavy with my birthday coming up. I thought of how I was planning P's 30th with us planning to go to the states, wanting to make the most of it. If we were in the states for his birthday, I wanted to throw this huge party, but if not, I wanted to ask RB to come for a week or two... Makes me sad that it never happened. I know that we should not live in the past and the what could have beens, but I guess it's just what it is because of the time of year.
Today on the ride as I thought of all these different things, I prayed that my heart would not be so sad... that the Lord would deliver me from this and I could enjoy my birthday and week with friends who want to shower me with love. As I prayed this, I remembered how the Lord has been so good to allow me to, through these past years, to grieve in a healthy way and also let me take the next step in a healthy joyful way... And as I remembered this, I knew that this too was a season of grieving again and trust that the Lord will help me through even this.
I am sitting here on my couch after a three and a half hour ride back home, next to my daughter who loves to do homeschool (workbook pages), writing my thoughts...
My God is good... He is faithful and though at times it just seems so hard to look past my grief and sorrow, He continues to show me His face and gives me the privilege to reflect His face to others. I Love you Jesus.
