Saturday after sitting in the house for two days sick and feeling blah, I took A out to retail therapy. There some things we needed and wanted, so I took the morning to spend some time with her and enjoy the energy I had. We went to a factory outlet her e in town. The first thing we did was grab a snack and afterward went inside to get some clothes that I needed. This particular place that we went to (Rumah Mode) has a good play area outdoors, so I promised A that if she was patient while I shopped, then we would play there. She did an excellent job, so I let her play for like 40 minutes. While A played, I started forming tears in my eyes remembering P playing with her in that exact play area. I remember how he would help her climb to the top of the very big slide and I would catch her at the bottom. It was something I didn’t think would be a big deal, but it was pretty emotional. Seeing how big she got since the last time we were there… she didn’t need anyone’s help anymore. A was all over the place by herself. When she was done playing, I told her how when she was little her daddy would play with her there and she smiled.
After putting A down for bed, I was prompted to have a sermon time. I was kind of hesitant. P and I would on most Sundays put in a John Piper sermon and have church the two of us. So when the Lord prompted me to put in a sermon, I prayed and asked him to get me through it, knowing it was a first.
I put in a sermon series on suffering and picked a message from Steve Saint. For those of you who don’t know who he is, Steve is Nick Saint’s son. Nick Saint was a missionary to South America and was martyred along with four of his friends by the very people Steve now calls family. I cried almost the whole message. Three things stuck out to me as Steve spoke.
1. The only sure way to maturity is through suffering. (Steve wrote this himself when he was younger)
2. Suffering is the one thing that people try to keep themselves from, but God says there will be suffering to develop our faith. (James 1:2-3)
3. People who have pain want to be ministered by people who have scars.
Pretty good things to think about huh? But there were two things he said that I have said before…
1. Even if we could go back and change things, we wouldn’t. Steve said that about his father’s death and his daughter’s death. I had P’s death. God is too good… What’s He’s been revealing to me these almost 14 months have been the richest months of my life. Yes it is hard, but I know that He is building my character and my faith.
2. This story is not our story. It is all God. He is the author… we are just characters of His grand story… and Steve said, all the chapters won’t make sense until we see the final chapter, not til then will we understand the previous chapters.
Events like the martyrdom of five young men and a death of my P at the age of 29 and babies dying before reaching 24 hours are all in God’s sovereign plan. I still have days like today, where things remind me of P and I still have firsts… but even though my eyes are full of tears, my heart is full of joy that my Lord has brought me this far. I look forward to what He has in store for me.
You see, because we sin, our punishment is the wrath of God. (Get John Piper’s series on Romans to understand this) BUT in His goodness, He had a plan to send His Son, to pay the price of our sins. That price is death. If it ended like that, it wouldn’t be so great, but Jesus, God’s son, did not only die for us, but He conquered death for us and three days later rose from the death. I’m no theologian nor am I a scholar to explain this in a fabulous way.
The thing is this… I am a sinner and I need God.
I grew up in a Christian home with great godly parents, but God to me was something I had to do. I had to go to church. I had to read the Bible. I had to do family Bible studies. I had to… I knew not God for myself, but that He was mom and dad’s and all I do was follow. There came a time in my life, August 11, 1993 when I for the first time realized that wasn’t good enough. This God thing had to be mine. So that day at a retreat, I gave my life to Christ for myself for the first time. I remember my parents and sister saying how they really saw me grow those years. I had a phenomenal youth pastor and I was excited to read my bible and go to church. I wanted to be with people and encourage them in their walk, though still young in my faith. Yet there still was something missing. I still felt a little empty and had low self esteem. In later years, I realized that it was Satan telling me Jesus was not enough, when actually He is all I need.
I started dating my junior year of high school. (If I have a rule for A it is definitely waiting til sophomore year college to date.) I wasn’t ready for dating. Too emotionally young at that age. My boyfriend became my idol in life that fulfilled that emptiness and carried me away from the Lord. We tried to spend all our time together and when I got to college, to the school he was going, we practically did spend all our time together. I was not walking with the Lord and I had the freedom to do what I wanted. Growing up in the home that I did, I stuck to certain guidelines, thinking that was being godly. Boy was I far from wrong.
The Lord brought some pretty difficult situations into my life the first year and a half of college, including the break up with that boyfriend. All those situations, now I see were God nudging me to come back to Him. And in the end, He took what I held as my god in my life… boyfriend.
It would have been nice if I took His nudging and went straight to him, but instead I started hanging out with friends that enjoyed college life. For the first time I set foot into a bar and went to clubs. It was fun, but really empty. I was filling my life with friends, drinking (not like let’s get drunk every night drinking, but Friday night fun), and dancing. That lasted about four months and then I was done. It got boring really quickly and I wanted more. So what did I do… I went to church. I was going almost every week before that, going to church Friday nights and going to drink with the same friends, but this time I really wanted commit to this. I missed my days of really enjoying fellowship with God and other believers.
I began going to Friday bible studies and not joining my friends afterward. I began going on Sundays and going back to my apartment. I then started going to morning prayer services that were at 5:30 am every morning. I began enjoying my bible again, although it still seemed like a chore (something God worked in my heart over the next few years). I loved listening to praise music and would spend most of my paychecks on buying CDs. The Lord started restoring me. I spent many mornings during my morning prayer service repenting for all the “fun” I had. I wanted to get back with the Lord and wanted to grow. He did… I wasn’t empty anymore. God started to fill my heart with Him and I didn’t have to find other things to fill that with, like I had been doing…
In the years following the Lord lead me to different opportunities to serve Him and grew me a ton.
I am a sinner. I was when I disobeyed my parents at age 2… I was when I lied to my parents in 4th grade... I was when I beat up boys in school… I was when I picked on kids in junior high… I was when I judged people in high school… I was when I neglected God in college… I was when I deceived people to think I was a good kid.. I was when I would fight with P… I am now when I lose my temper with A and when I find myself wasting time on unimportant things. My consequence for all this that I did and do is death, BUT my Savior, Jesus Christ, has paid that price for me… I don’t have to do anything but follow Him now and I do that by listening to His spirit that lives inside of me. I have to daily pray and read the word to be in tune with that spirit who longs to tell me what the Lord has for me… But is such joy to be in that relationship with HIM.
I am a sinner. P was a sinner. A is a sinner. We are all sinners. We all need a Savior. The God who created this universe had in His plan when He started it all, to sacrifice His son as our Savior, so why would I think that if He had Jesus’ death all planned that He wouldn’t have P’s death planned? This is what Steve Saint said about his father’s death. Pretty profound huh? Makes you go hmmmm~
Wow I didn’t mean to tell my whole life story. Ha ha... of course I didn’t put all the details in, I’d have to write a book then. I just wanted to point out that we all need a Savior and that God is Sovereign in all He does, even in suffering, whatever your suffering may be. Let Him grow you and build your faith in that suffering that it may bring glory to Him.
When P first died, I was led to Acts. I read it and would laugh at the apostles when they would come out from jail after being beaten, raising their hands to praise God asking for more. I just laughed at how ridiculous that was, but I also prayed that I would have faith like them through this experience. I know if there was a scale of faith, I’d still be not so high up, but I do know that I am experiencing God in such a new way through this experience of suffering. Now I feel it as a blessing… to have known such a godly man and had the honor to call him my husband… what a blessing. I am for sure going to see my P again. I can’t wait til I do, but til then, I will follow hard after the One that is going before me and leading a path for me to follow. Jesus said that our life is going to have suffering… I know this is not my last suffering… there already have been little ones and I know there are more to come, but as in John 16:33… I take heart… Jesus has overcome the world. Come what may… I will not be shaken.
**Please pray for health. I feel much better, but still not 100%. Please pray for our helper and her husband. Haven’t heard much, but praying the Lord will heal him. Pray for me friend… she’s been in the hospital several days with dengue fever. Doing a little better, but still needs lots of rest and numbers need to go up.**
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Big days coming up
We have two important days coming up, then a very important month.
On the 17th, we will be celebrating the independence of this country. It is a very exciting day… kids are already getting excited. Today I saw a group of little 10-12 year old girls practicing for their talent show the night of the 17th. We celebrated the 17th once in this country. In the morning, there is a parade that starts at like 7 am. The kids all dress up in traditional clothes and march up to the outdoor stage area near our house (20 minute parade). Once there, the kids stay outside and watch performances and the adults go in and listen to the declaration. During the day, people set up games for the kids and the kids just love it. It is a very fun day. Then in the evening there is like a “block party” where every “block” has like a talent show and comedy and stuff… it’s so much fun. I’m really excited for it. Please pray that it will be a good time for us. Please pray for safety during the day and also as we meet different people that we may be an image bearer of Christ to those who have still yet to know Him.
August 21st will mark the first day of Ramadan. Ramadan is a month of fasting for the Islam religion. People will wake before the first call to prayer (which is around 4am) to eat. After that they start their fast for the day. The fast ends at the second to last call to prayer (which is around 6pm). Families and/or friends gather together to break the fast together. They’ll sit around and wait for the call… some people will drink a sweet drink and pray then eat… some others drink a sweet drink, eat and then go to pray. People who usually don’t go to the mosque to pray and just pray at home will go to the mosque every prayer time during this month. This is all that I have learned from neighbors and friends. After the month of fasting, there is one week where most people are off work (almost like Christmas time in the states) and go visit family (idul fitri). It’s big because people give and receive gifts… new clothes, new tvs, new shoes, new… If you work, you get a bonus that month also, which helps with the shopping. He he..
______________________________________________________________________________
Ramadān is a time of reflecting and worshiping God. Muslims are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam and to avoid obscene and irreligious sights and sounds. Sexual thoughts and activities during fasting hours are also forbidden.[Qur'an 2:187] Purity of both thought and action is important. The fast is intended to be an exacting act of deep personal worship in which Muslims seek a raised awareness of closeness to God.
The act of fasting is said to redirect the heart away from worldly activities, its purpose being to cleanse the inner soul and free it from harm. Properly observing the fast is supposed to induce a comfortable feeling of peace and calm. It also allows Muslims to practice self-discipline, self-control, sacrifice, and sympathy for those who are less fortunate. It is also intended to make Muslims more generous and charitable. A certain level of self-control can be lost by those who suffer from eating disorders.[3]
The elderly, the chronically ill, and the mentally ill are exempt from fasting, although the first two groups must endeavor to feed the poor in place of their missed fasting. Also exempt are pregnant women, women during the period of their menstruation, and women nursing their newborns. A difference of opinion exists among Islamic scholars as to whether this last group must make up the days they miss at a later date, or feed poor people as a recompense for days missed.[4] While fasting is not considered compulsory in childhood, many children endeavor to complete as many fasts as possible as practice for later life. Lastly, those traveling are exempt, but must make up the days they miss.[Qur'an 2:184] More specifically, Twelver Shī‘ah define those who travel more than 14 miles in a day as exempt.[3]. The elderly or those who suffer from a disability or disease and have no prospect of getting better in the future can pay the cost of Eftar for a person who cannot afford it, or else they can host him in their house and have him eat with them after sunset as a way of repaying for the days they could not fast. [Qur'an 2:184]
Ramadān is also a time when Muslims are to slow down from worldly affairs and focus on self-reformation, spiritual cleansing and enlightenment, establishing a link between themselves and God through prayer, supplication, charity, good deeds, kindness and helping others. Since it is a festival of giving and sharing, Muslims prepare special foods and buy gifts for their family and friends and for giving to the poor and needy who cannot afford it; this can involve buying new clothes, shoes and other items of need. There is also a social aspect involved the preparing of special foods and inviting people for the Iftar meal (the meal to open the fast).
**This is information I took off the internet. Please if you have time, look it up on your own.**
So as you could see, this month is up for some action. Please continue to pray for A and I specifically during this month and for the people as a whole.
______________________________________________________________________________
Please continue to pray for my helper (Y) and her husband (A). A was having chest pains a couple nights ago, waking up his wife, Y. He has had some problems with his hypertension, so they took him to the hospital, but wasn’t seen til midday. They didn’t think it had to do with hypertension, but that they should take an x-ray. This afternoon A called Y while at work. The doctors found something in his heart after looking at the x-ray and wanted to admit him. Before she left, I prayed for his health and her heart. She was grateful… please pray that the Lord will heal him.
Today I have been much better. Ate crackers when I was hungry and our helper made me rice porridge for lunch. It was great… my mommy used to make me that when I was sick. A taste of home. The only difference is my mommy would give me soy sauce, the salty kind; here they use sweet soy sauce. I felt good today even though I was still not a 100%. Glad it seems like it’s coming to an end and definitely could feel prayer.
A had school today. She made ice-cream with her class. The first time the teacher approached me with behavior issues. Ha ha… I was so upset for two reasons… one that A wasn’t listening to her teacher, but then I was also upset that I had to hear my daughter wasn’t listening. It wasn’t anything major, but that the teacher wanted A to finish her snack and A did not want to. What’s the big deal right? Well the big deal is, A likes to put a lot of food on her plate and play with it… so that’s what she did and ended up not eating any of it. So the teacher asked her to take a certain amount of bites… A did not. I told the teacher what I do when she does that at home. On the way home, I had a serious talk with A. We talked about what the Bible says. She memorized the verse, “Children obey your parents”. So we talked about how when the parents are not there, the teachers are in charge and she has to obey. The best part was that when we got home and we were getting ready for nap. She asked to read the Bible and picked the story of Jonah… about obeying. After her nap, she was so good. When she started to disobey, I put her immediately in time out instead of listening to her complain and stuff… it worked, she was in time out one time and then was a new kid. I couldn’t believe it. It’s funny. When I was teaching and parents would ask me how they could control their child, I would tell them how much children need boundaries and that’s where they feel safe. I have let things slide for a while now, for whatever reason. Today I wasn’t going to have it… she knew. After her bath she said, “Mommy… I was obeying right?” I love her!!!
Please pray for A. I know she is not a normal 3 year old… she’s been through too much. The other night after dinner, A went to get her bike while I finished dinner. As she brought the bike to the dining room (yes I let her ride her bike in our house… it’s tile floors), she said, “Mommy I have a sad story. When daddy went to heaven, he didn’t say good-bye”. I was shocked and tears started to form in my eyes. I asked what made her think of it, she didn’t say anything. Then I told her how I didn’t get to say good-bye either because we didn’t know he was going to go to heaven. I told her daddy didn’t mean to not say good-bye, that if he had known he would have given us both hugs and kisses and said good-bye. I explained to her that when it’s our turn and we go to heaven, there will never be good-byes and that we would be together forever with Jesus and daddy. She then had this big smile on her face and rode her bike. I don’t know where she gets these thoughts, but I’m glad she could express them to me and we could process it together.
Please continue pray for me as I parent A as a single mom and do work here. I am going to start being a conversational partner for people who want to practice their English and assist in teaching English. The latest the paperwork will go through is October, so hopefully it could go faster and I’ll start before then. Please pray for the process… the Lord knows timing.
On the 17th, we will be celebrating the independence of this country. It is a very exciting day… kids are already getting excited. Today I saw a group of little 10-12 year old girls practicing for their talent show the night of the 17th. We celebrated the 17th once in this country. In the morning, there is a parade that starts at like 7 am. The kids all dress up in traditional clothes and march up to the outdoor stage area near our house (20 minute parade). Once there, the kids stay outside and watch performances and the adults go in and listen to the declaration. During the day, people set up games for the kids and the kids just love it. It is a very fun day. Then in the evening there is like a “block party” where every “block” has like a talent show and comedy and stuff… it’s so much fun. I’m really excited for it. Please pray that it will be a good time for us. Please pray for safety during the day and also as we meet different people that we may be an image bearer of Christ to those who have still yet to know Him.
August 21st will mark the first day of Ramadan. Ramadan is a month of fasting for the Islam religion. People will wake before the first call to prayer (which is around 4am) to eat. After that they start their fast for the day. The fast ends at the second to last call to prayer (which is around 6pm). Families and/or friends gather together to break the fast together. They’ll sit around and wait for the call… some people will drink a sweet drink and pray then eat… some others drink a sweet drink, eat and then go to pray. People who usually don’t go to the mosque to pray and just pray at home will go to the mosque every prayer time during this month. This is all that I have learned from neighbors and friends. After the month of fasting, there is one week where most people are off work (almost like Christmas time in the states) and go visit family (idul fitri). It’s big because people give and receive gifts… new clothes, new tvs, new shoes, new… If you work, you get a bonus that month also, which helps with the shopping. He he..
______________________________________________________________________________
Ramadān is a time of reflecting and worshiping God. Muslims are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam and to avoid obscene and irreligious sights and sounds. Sexual thoughts and activities during fasting hours are also forbidden.[Qur'an 2:187] Purity of both thought and action is important. The fast is intended to be an exacting act of deep personal worship in which Muslims seek a raised awareness of closeness to God.
The act of fasting is said to redirect the heart away from worldly activities, its purpose being to cleanse the inner soul and free it from harm. Properly observing the fast is supposed to induce a comfortable feeling of peace and calm. It also allows Muslims to practice self-discipline, self-control, sacrifice, and sympathy for those who are less fortunate. It is also intended to make Muslims more generous and charitable. A certain level of self-control can be lost by those who suffer from eating disorders.[3]
The elderly, the chronically ill, and the mentally ill are exempt from fasting, although the first two groups must endeavor to feed the poor in place of their missed fasting. Also exempt are pregnant women, women during the period of their menstruation, and women nursing their newborns. A difference of opinion exists among Islamic scholars as to whether this last group must make up the days they miss at a later date, or feed poor people as a recompense for days missed.[4] While fasting is not considered compulsory in childhood, many children endeavor to complete as many fasts as possible as practice for later life. Lastly, those traveling are exempt, but must make up the days they miss.[Qur'an 2:184] More specifically, Twelver Shī‘ah define those who travel more than 14 miles in a day as exempt.[3]. The elderly or those who suffer from a disability or disease and have no prospect of getting better in the future can pay the cost of Eftar for a person who cannot afford it, or else they can host him in their house and have him eat with them after sunset as a way of repaying for the days they could not fast. [Qur'an 2:184]
Ramadān is also a time when Muslims are to slow down from worldly affairs and focus on self-reformation, spiritual cleansing and enlightenment, establishing a link between themselves and God through prayer, supplication, charity, good deeds, kindness and helping others. Since it is a festival of giving and sharing, Muslims prepare special foods and buy gifts for their family and friends and for giving to the poor and needy who cannot afford it; this can involve buying new clothes, shoes and other items of need. There is also a social aspect involved the preparing of special foods and inviting people for the Iftar meal (the meal to open the fast).
**This is information I took off the internet. Please if you have time, look it up on your own.**
So as you could see, this month is up for some action. Please continue to pray for A and I specifically during this month and for the people as a whole.
______________________________________________________________________________
Please continue to pray for my helper (Y) and her husband (A). A was having chest pains a couple nights ago, waking up his wife, Y. He has had some problems with his hypertension, so they took him to the hospital, but wasn’t seen til midday. They didn’t think it had to do with hypertension, but that they should take an x-ray. This afternoon A called Y while at work. The doctors found something in his heart after looking at the x-ray and wanted to admit him. Before she left, I prayed for his health and her heart. She was grateful… please pray that the Lord will heal him.
Today I have been much better. Ate crackers when I was hungry and our helper made me rice porridge for lunch. It was great… my mommy used to make me that when I was sick. A taste of home. The only difference is my mommy would give me soy sauce, the salty kind; here they use sweet soy sauce. I felt good today even though I was still not a 100%. Glad it seems like it’s coming to an end and definitely could feel prayer.
A had school today. She made ice-cream with her class. The first time the teacher approached me with behavior issues. Ha ha… I was so upset for two reasons… one that A wasn’t listening to her teacher, but then I was also upset that I had to hear my daughter wasn’t listening. It wasn’t anything major, but that the teacher wanted A to finish her snack and A did not want to. What’s the big deal right? Well the big deal is, A likes to put a lot of food on her plate and play with it… so that’s what she did and ended up not eating any of it. So the teacher asked her to take a certain amount of bites… A did not. I told the teacher what I do when she does that at home. On the way home, I had a serious talk with A. We talked about what the Bible says. She memorized the verse, “Children obey your parents”. So we talked about how when the parents are not there, the teachers are in charge and she has to obey. The best part was that when we got home and we were getting ready for nap. She asked to read the Bible and picked the story of Jonah… about obeying. After her nap, she was so good. When she started to disobey, I put her immediately in time out instead of listening to her complain and stuff… it worked, she was in time out one time and then was a new kid. I couldn’t believe it. It’s funny. When I was teaching and parents would ask me how they could control their child, I would tell them how much children need boundaries and that’s where they feel safe. I have let things slide for a while now, for whatever reason. Today I wasn’t going to have it… she knew. After her bath she said, “Mommy… I was obeying right?” I love her!!!
Please pray for A. I know she is not a normal 3 year old… she’s been through too much. The other night after dinner, A went to get her bike while I finished dinner. As she brought the bike to the dining room (yes I let her ride her bike in our house… it’s tile floors), she said, “Mommy I have a sad story. When daddy went to heaven, he didn’t say good-bye”. I was shocked and tears started to form in my eyes. I asked what made her think of it, she didn’t say anything. Then I told her how I didn’t get to say good-bye either because we didn’t know he was going to go to heaven. I told her daddy didn’t mean to not say good-bye, that if he had known he would have given us both hugs and kisses and said good-bye. I explained to her that when it’s our turn and we go to heaven, there will never be good-byes and that we would be together forever with Jesus and daddy. She then had this big smile on her face and rode her bike. I don’t know where she gets these thoughts, but I’m glad she could express them to me and we could process it together.
Please continue pray for me as I parent A as a single mom and do work here. I am going to start being a conversational partner for people who want to practice their English and assist in teaching English. The latest the paperwork will go through is October, so hopefully it could go faster and I’ll start before then. Please pray for the process… the Lord knows timing.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
lift us up
yesterday in the afternoon my stomach wasn't feeling good... by the time i went to bed, i had gone to the bathroom 3 times and by the time i woke up i had gone another 3 times. i was exhausted in the morning... we then got a call from our helper saying she had to take her husband to the hospital. he's been having problems with his blood pressure and they thought he was having a heart attack or something... pain all night long. so today i was a little weak with A... on top of that i had to go and take care of our visa paperwork. it was a pretty intense morning, although just two hours of having to take care of it... when we got home mid morning, we plopped in our entertainment room and watched "bedtime stories". i got some crackers in me and pocari sweat (japanese version of gatorade). i haven't gone to the bathroom so that's good. one day of this is enough for me. in the middle of the night when i was in so much pain in the bathroom (sorry too much information), i was praying for myself, but also asking the Lord to bring me to mind to as many people as He could so i don't have to be sick for long. i don't know if you were reminded of me yesterday, but if you were and prayed for me... thank you so much!!! i'd also like to hear from you if the Lord lead to you pray for me particularly yesterday. please e-mail. thanks.
please pray for our helper and her husband. this has happened before and i know they are scared of him possibly dying, although none of the doctors say that... just pray for his health, but also for them to come to know Jesus, for He is the great healer.
short update for now...
please pray for our helper and her husband. this has happened before and i know they are scared of him possibly dying, although none of the doctors say that... just pray for his health, but also for them to come to know Jesus, for He is the great healer.
short update for now...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
since the video did not work...
**A was looking for her korean doll to sleep with... we looked and this is what i found...**
**mommy daughter date**
**school uniform... wears it only on wednesdays**
**this is A going down the hill on a piece of wood. our neighborhood slide. it's great because it's right in front of our house**
**i asked A to put on her undies... this is what i got.**
hopefully these pictures will work. i chose highlights, but on facebook hopefully it'll be more.
we are doing quite well. last night, i had a good cry. i don't know how to explain how i feel... i miss P, but missing him knowing he's not coming back. i don't long for him to be back again like i used to. this morning on the way to school, A said, "mommy, i wish daddy could take me to school." and in the middle of the road my eyes filled with tears... i wish the same thing... i told her that daddy is so proud of her going to school and making friends. we talked about what he would be doing in heaven and how we can't wait to get there. we still have our days... i don't think it'll ever go away... he'll always be my P and he'll always be her daddy... i spoke to someone who lost their spouse and remarried and 20 something years later, still cries and thinks about the person. it's just a part of life now... P will be a part of us no matter what.
please keep praying for us as like i said, we still have our days even though a lot less than ever before. pray for me as i am in the process of paperwork to start teaching English. pray for A as she goes to school and makes friends. pray that we could continue to follow Christ in all that we do... in conversation and in our daily lives.
as i type this, i wait for the pictures to upload, not working... i'm hoping before i have to pick up A the pictures will work. i'm praying... i have 4 minutes left. ugh.... come on... now my battery is running out...
yes it worked!!! although the pictures went to the top... Praise God i could share some pictures. facebook didn't work... ugh, but this is good. enjoy
Monday, August 3, 2009
weaner day
these past few days, A has been into family videos again. it's so much fun seeing all of us in this house. i love watching them and so does A. again my the grace of God, not so much heartache, just good memories in this house. yes i miss P and i could just laugh at the things we used to do here and all the crazy things that happened... like a cockroach flying up P's shorts while he was using the bathroom... when i stepped on a lizard, thinking it was a raisin then crying when i found out it was a lizard, A and i cried so hard because P was not home. four women came to check on me to see what happened. ha ha... rats coming into our house and P putting on his shoes to chase it out after locking A and i in our bedroom... me getting locked in our room when i had to pee really bad. i had to take of the hinges from the inside because i had to go so bad. my family and P were laughing so hard... so many more...
the one thing i remembered was my weaner day. P put out a card for me on the table when i woke up from a nap after a week of weaning A. i was sad feeling like my baby was growing up, but was so physically uncomfortable... so P, because he is so sweet, made up weaner day. wrote a card and then we went out to celebrate A growing up and me surviving. i cried reading the card and we had fun that day. as sad as it was to wean my girl, i was happy my husband was so thoughtful. he had taken such good care of me throughout my pregnancy, while i was nursing and even after. weaner day!!! that was a good day.
God's been so good. even my neighbors ask if it's hard to live in the house... but it's really not. i enjoy it and God's just been so good... it doesn't even feel like our house... it just feels like a house for A and me. we're making our own set of good memories, like the one below. A asked me to come and watch her one day outside. when i went out, this is what i saw, so yesterday when she did it, i got my camera. i love that she's so free to do what the kids in the neighborhood are doing.
**sorry that the video would not load... i'll try once more, but if it doesn't work... sorry**
the one thing i remembered was my weaner day. P put out a card for me on the table when i woke up from a nap after a week of weaning A. i was sad feeling like my baby was growing up, but was so physically uncomfortable... so P, because he is so sweet, made up weaner day. wrote a card and then we went out to celebrate A growing up and me surviving. i cried reading the card and we had fun that day. as sad as it was to wean my girl, i was happy my husband was so thoughtful. he had taken such good care of me throughout my pregnancy, while i was nursing and even after. weaner day!!! that was a good day.
God's been so good. even my neighbors ask if it's hard to live in the house... but it's really not. i enjoy it and God's just been so good... it doesn't even feel like our house... it just feels like a house for A and me. we're making our own set of good memories, like the one below. A asked me to come and watch her one day outside. when i went out, this is what i saw, so yesterday when she did it, i got my camera. i love that she's so free to do what the kids in the neighborhood are doing.
**sorry that the video would not load... i'll try once more, but if it doesn't work... sorry**
Sunday, August 2, 2009
holy and surrendered
I’ve been learning a lot over this month and some weeks here. The Lord is turning me to books and certain scripture to direct me to specific areas in my life that I need to grow. In the beginning it was surrender… but even after having thought I surrendered all in my life, in these past couple weeks, the Lord showed me how I am holding on to still some things in my life. Then asked me for total surrender. Sometimes I have to say, I get frustrated with God and I argue with Him… haven’t I given up enough for you… then I put my head down in shame… hasn’t He done enough for me? Why is it that I still want to hold on to things in my life… I know that He’s in total control. I find myself going back to when P and I wanted another child and the Lord would not listen to our desire… that was God’s provision for me for He knew what was to come.
Lately, I have been reading the book “Pursuit of Holiness” by Jerry Bridges. If you haven’t read it, please go pick it up… it is phenomenal and very convicting. In the first chapter it talks about how holiness is for us. I really like chapter two… I was totally redirected in my heart about holiness… a few things hit me, but one thing that was like a stab in the gut was that God does not accept excuses. We are to live a holy life for God is holy and there are no excuses… then he said how many of us justify our actions by saying “well, that’s just the way I am” or even “well, I’m still growing in that area of my life.” Wow… what a strong statement, but without giving away the whole book, I haven’t even finished it, I want to say that the author is not saying we need to be perfect. “God does not require a perfect, sinless life to have fellowship with Him, but He does require that we be serious about holiness, that we grieve over sin in our lives instead of justifying it, and that we earnestly pursue holiness as a way of life.” (p. 40-41)
I thought of what grieving meant… I thought of what my heart was like when P died… the grieving I went through… the heartache… the trauma… the anguish… the hours of crying over him… I prayed that the Lord would give me a grieving heart for my sins in my life… that He would use His spirit daily to even show me the sins in my life. No longer do I want to justify my sins…
I remember a couple weeks before P died, we were together and A was not obeying. I told a little “white lie” and P called me out on it. He told me we were not going to be parents that lie to our kids… not any “white lie”. P challenged me that day… there are no “good” lies… they are all lies… and that means we sin. Hmmm~
I have on my wall a note to myself that I could read every time I go out my bedroom. It states:
Today I will…
- Worship God
- Cultivate holiness
- Invest in eternity
Lord I surrender today to you. Do as you will and let me have the ears to hear and the heart to obey. More of you… Less of me.
Those three “goals” were P’s goals in life. He would evaluate each day by how much time He spent on each of the three. I added my little prayer at the end. I pray A will grow to evaluate her day by those three principles.
God is good. He has been leading me not only in books, but in scripture. I’ve been lead to read different books of the bible and for the past couple weeks I’ve been reading through Deuteronomy. I’ve been surprised at how many times Moses tells the people to not forget God’s goodness. He tells them to be careful when they get satisfied for then they will turn away from God. God’s lead me to pray this for a while now of how I do not want to forget this past year and almost two months… not to remember the sorrow or how much I miss P, but to remember God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life. As I read these chapters, my desire to not want to forget grows… I do not want to forget my manna nor do I want to forget the water that came out of the rock for me… I do not want to forget the way the Lord spread the Red Sea in my life… and I do not want to forget when I get in the Promised Land where the land is flowing with milk and honey, whatever that may be in my life.
This week like I have said, has been the best week of my time here. I really ask that you continue to pray for continual good weeks and His is leading in different areas in our life.
Sometimes you don’t know when something will bring up a memory… this week as I was getting my entertainment room ready, I put a white sheet over the bed in there to make it more like a couch. I had chills run up and down my body and tears started rolling from my eyes… almost in an instant. I remembered walking into the ICU room and seeing P under a white sheet. I had to leave the room. I don’t think I will ever buy white sheets again. A little while later, I went back into the room and fixed it… but really I don’t ever want to see white sheets again.
Last night I started a movie “Amazing Grace” and tonight I finished it. That was a good movie. I remember starting it with P at some point… sad that we didn’t get to finish it together. I think he would have really liked it. I know he would have wanted to talk about it for a few days. Then I put in “Beyond the Gates of Splendor”. I wasn’t quite sure if I would be okay watching that movie… but wow… those families are absolutely amazing. Men and women both, but even the kids as they grew up… The Lord had incredible plans for that people group. I can’t wait to read the book, “Through the Gates of Splendor” that TB left me before she left.
I remember a message by pastor SC at Bethel. He brought up verse after verse, 27 times, on how followers of Christ are not meant to have a easy life… there are costs in our following of Christ. It’s not a easy road, but He asks us if we are willing to pick up our cross and follow Him. I keep going back to how our life here is temporary. The max is probably like 90 years old… or like my grandmother 96… but how after that, we will spend eternity in absolute glory!!! That everything that we endure here, will be rewarded in heaven for eternity. Could we live with that kind of mind set? If not, why not? Is God not worth it? I can’t say that have that mind set 100%... I still have days where I tell God this is too big… He’s asking too much of me… but then I remember how so worth it God is… God is so worth our life.
Today at church, I was so in love with being in one place with brothers and sisters, praising, jumping, dancing, praying… then I started to cry thinking of how wonderful it will be once we are in heaven. When I was younger, I thought about what a dread it would be to be in heaven and sing hymns all day… but today I longed for that day… to sing to my savior for eternity. I know it says that there are no tears in heaven, I wonder about tears of joy… I think it would be such a joyful thing to be in God’s glory…
So… that’s what I wanted to share tonight before I went to bed. I want to live a holy surrendered life to my Lord and Savior until the day I could go before Him and be in His glory forever and ever.
Lately, I have been reading the book “Pursuit of Holiness” by Jerry Bridges. If you haven’t read it, please go pick it up… it is phenomenal and very convicting. In the first chapter it talks about how holiness is for us. I really like chapter two… I was totally redirected in my heart about holiness… a few things hit me, but one thing that was like a stab in the gut was that God does not accept excuses. We are to live a holy life for God is holy and there are no excuses… then he said how many of us justify our actions by saying “well, that’s just the way I am” or even “well, I’m still growing in that area of my life.” Wow… what a strong statement, but without giving away the whole book, I haven’t even finished it, I want to say that the author is not saying we need to be perfect. “God does not require a perfect, sinless life to have fellowship with Him, but He does require that we be serious about holiness, that we grieve over sin in our lives instead of justifying it, and that we earnestly pursue holiness as a way of life.” (p. 40-41)
I thought of what grieving meant… I thought of what my heart was like when P died… the grieving I went through… the heartache… the trauma… the anguish… the hours of crying over him… I prayed that the Lord would give me a grieving heart for my sins in my life… that He would use His spirit daily to even show me the sins in my life. No longer do I want to justify my sins…
I remember a couple weeks before P died, we were together and A was not obeying. I told a little “white lie” and P called me out on it. He told me we were not going to be parents that lie to our kids… not any “white lie”. P challenged me that day… there are no “good” lies… they are all lies… and that means we sin. Hmmm~
I have on my wall a note to myself that I could read every time I go out my bedroom. It states:
Today I will…
- Worship God
- Cultivate holiness
- Invest in eternity
Lord I surrender today to you. Do as you will and let me have the ears to hear and the heart to obey. More of you… Less of me.
Those three “goals” were P’s goals in life. He would evaluate each day by how much time He spent on each of the three. I added my little prayer at the end. I pray A will grow to evaluate her day by those three principles.
God is good. He has been leading me not only in books, but in scripture. I’ve been lead to read different books of the bible and for the past couple weeks I’ve been reading through Deuteronomy. I’ve been surprised at how many times Moses tells the people to not forget God’s goodness. He tells them to be careful when they get satisfied for then they will turn away from God. God’s lead me to pray this for a while now of how I do not want to forget this past year and almost two months… not to remember the sorrow or how much I miss P, but to remember God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life. As I read these chapters, my desire to not want to forget grows… I do not want to forget my manna nor do I want to forget the water that came out of the rock for me… I do not want to forget the way the Lord spread the Red Sea in my life… and I do not want to forget when I get in the Promised Land where the land is flowing with milk and honey, whatever that may be in my life.
This week like I have said, has been the best week of my time here. I really ask that you continue to pray for continual good weeks and His is leading in different areas in our life.
Sometimes you don’t know when something will bring up a memory… this week as I was getting my entertainment room ready, I put a white sheet over the bed in there to make it more like a couch. I had chills run up and down my body and tears started rolling from my eyes… almost in an instant. I remembered walking into the ICU room and seeing P under a white sheet. I had to leave the room. I don’t think I will ever buy white sheets again. A little while later, I went back into the room and fixed it… but really I don’t ever want to see white sheets again.
Last night I started a movie “Amazing Grace” and tonight I finished it. That was a good movie. I remember starting it with P at some point… sad that we didn’t get to finish it together. I think he would have really liked it. I know he would have wanted to talk about it for a few days. Then I put in “Beyond the Gates of Splendor”. I wasn’t quite sure if I would be okay watching that movie… but wow… those families are absolutely amazing. Men and women both, but even the kids as they grew up… The Lord had incredible plans for that people group. I can’t wait to read the book, “Through the Gates of Splendor” that TB left me before she left.
I remember a message by pastor SC at Bethel. He brought up verse after verse, 27 times, on how followers of Christ are not meant to have a easy life… there are costs in our following of Christ. It’s not a easy road, but He asks us if we are willing to pick up our cross and follow Him. I keep going back to how our life here is temporary. The max is probably like 90 years old… or like my grandmother 96… but how after that, we will spend eternity in absolute glory!!! That everything that we endure here, will be rewarded in heaven for eternity. Could we live with that kind of mind set? If not, why not? Is God not worth it? I can’t say that have that mind set 100%... I still have days where I tell God this is too big… He’s asking too much of me… but then I remember how so worth it God is… God is so worth our life.
Today at church, I was so in love with being in one place with brothers and sisters, praising, jumping, dancing, praying… then I started to cry thinking of how wonderful it will be once we are in heaven. When I was younger, I thought about what a dread it would be to be in heaven and sing hymns all day… but today I longed for that day… to sing to my savior for eternity. I know it says that there are no tears in heaven, I wonder about tears of joy… I think it would be such a joyful thing to be in God’s glory…
So… that’s what I wanted to share tonight before I went to bed. I want to live a holy surrendered life to my Lord and Savior until the day I could go before Him and be in His glory forever and ever.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
syukuran
**neighbors**
**women working on the party... the one on the left is our helper and the one in the middle is my close friend N... then it's me**
people here have "syukuran"s, which is a party/gathering for people to give thanks for various reasons. today i had one with my neighbors for moving here. it was great. i actually had thought to write for prayers... but as i was telling a couple friends here, this living one day at a time has been really good, except when you really don't think about tomorrow, then you really don't think about tomorrow. so i planned things with our helper on thursday, on friday i asked my neighbor to tell my neighbors about the syukuran for saturday... saturday, which is today, we had about 50 people here celebrating our return here. it was short and sweet and thanks for CG and SG, it went really well. i was a little worried that too many people would come, since our last christmas party in this house was 130 people... so this morning i prayed, that the Lord would bring people that had to be there, no more or less than that. and it was a perfect number.
it was kind of hard getting ready for it actually... this is the first event here without P and i didn't know if i could do it. then i was asked to say a little something, and i really thought i was going to cry, but i didn't. through the grace of God i did pretty good. ha ha... it was a blessing to be with my family here, who really care for us, love us and want to be with us.
keep praying for us, for even though i sometimes forget things to put for prayer, there are always things to pray about.
**happy birthday little JP. we love you!!!**
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