Saturday after sitting in the house for two days sick and feeling blah, I took A out to retail therapy. There some things we needed and wanted, so I took the morning to spend some time with her and enjoy the energy I had. We went to a factory outlet her e in town. The first thing we did was grab a snack and afterward went inside to get some clothes that I needed. This particular place that we went to (Rumah Mode) has a good play area outdoors, so I promised A that if she was patient while I shopped, then we would play there. She did an excellent job, so I let her play for like 40 minutes. While A played, I started forming tears in my eyes remembering P playing with her in that exact play area. I remember how he would help her climb to the top of the very big slide and I would catch her at the bottom. It was something I didn’t think would be a big deal, but it was pretty emotional. Seeing how big she got since the last time we were there… she didn’t need anyone’s help anymore. A was all over the place by herself. When she was done playing, I told her how when she was little her daddy would play with her there and she smiled.
After putting A down for bed, I was prompted to have a sermon time. I was kind of hesitant. P and I would on most Sundays put in a John Piper sermon and have church the two of us. So when the Lord prompted me to put in a sermon, I prayed and asked him to get me through it, knowing it was a first.
I put in a sermon series on suffering and picked a message from Steve Saint. For those of you who don’t know who he is, Steve is Nick Saint’s son. Nick Saint was a missionary to South America and was martyred along with four of his friends by the very people Steve now calls family. I cried almost the whole message. Three things stuck out to me as Steve spoke.
1. The only sure way to maturity is through suffering. (Steve wrote this himself when he was younger)
2. Suffering is the one thing that people try to keep themselves from, but God says there will be suffering to develop our faith. (James 1:2-3)
3. People who have pain want to be ministered by people who have scars.
Pretty good things to think about huh? But there were two things he said that I have said before…
1. Even if we could go back and change things, we wouldn’t. Steve said that about his father’s death and his daughter’s death. I had P’s death. God is too good… What’s He’s been revealing to me these almost 14 months have been the richest months of my life. Yes it is hard, but I know that He is building my character and my faith.
2. This story is not our story. It is all God. He is the author… we are just characters of His grand story… and Steve said, all the chapters won’t make sense until we see the final chapter, not til then will we understand the previous chapters.
Events like the martyrdom of five young men and a death of my P at the age of 29 and babies dying before reaching 24 hours are all in God’s sovereign plan. I still have days like today, where things remind me of P and I still have firsts… but even though my eyes are full of tears, my heart is full of joy that my Lord has brought me this far. I look forward to what He has in store for me.
You see, because we sin, our punishment is the wrath of God. (Get John Piper’s series on Romans to understand this) BUT in His goodness, He had a plan to send His Son, to pay the price of our sins. That price is death. If it ended like that, it wouldn’t be so great, but Jesus, God’s son, did not only die for us, but He conquered death for us and three days later rose from the death. I’m no theologian nor am I a scholar to explain this in a fabulous way.
The thing is this… I am a sinner and I need God.
I grew up in a Christian home with great godly parents, but God to me was something I had to do. I had to go to church. I had to read the Bible. I had to do family Bible studies. I had to… I knew not God for myself, but that He was mom and dad’s and all I do was follow. There came a time in my life, August 11, 1993 when I for the first time realized that wasn’t good enough. This God thing had to be mine. So that day at a retreat, I gave my life to Christ for myself for the first time. I remember my parents and sister saying how they really saw me grow those years. I had a phenomenal youth pastor and I was excited to read my bible and go to church. I wanted to be with people and encourage them in their walk, though still young in my faith. Yet there still was something missing. I still felt a little empty and had low self esteem. In later years, I realized that it was Satan telling me Jesus was not enough, when actually He is all I need.
I started dating my junior year of high school. (If I have a rule for A it is definitely waiting til sophomore year college to date.) I wasn’t ready for dating. Too emotionally young at that age. My boyfriend became my idol in life that fulfilled that emptiness and carried me away from the Lord. We tried to spend all our time together and when I got to college, to the school he was going, we practically did spend all our time together. I was not walking with the Lord and I had the freedom to do what I wanted. Growing up in the home that I did, I stuck to certain guidelines, thinking that was being godly. Boy was I far from wrong.
The Lord brought some pretty difficult situations into my life the first year and a half of college, including the break up with that boyfriend. All those situations, now I see were God nudging me to come back to Him. And in the end, He took what I held as my god in my life… boyfriend.
It would have been nice if I took His nudging and went straight to him, but instead I started hanging out with friends that enjoyed college life. For the first time I set foot into a bar and went to clubs. It was fun, but really empty. I was filling my life with friends, drinking (not like let’s get drunk every night drinking, but Friday night fun), and dancing. That lasted about four months and then I was done. It got boring really quickly and I wanted more. So what did I do… I went to church. I was going almost every week before that, going to church Friday nights and going to drink with the same friends, but this time I really wanted commit to this. I missed my days of really enjoying fellowship with God and other believers.
I began going to Friday bible studies and not joining my friends afterward. I began going on Sundays and going back to my apartment. I then started going to morning prayer services that were at 5:30 am every morning. I began enjoying my bible again, although it still seemed like a chore (something God worked in my heart over the next few years). I loved listening to praise music and would spend most of my paychecks on buying CDs. The Lord started restoring me. I spent many mornings during my morning prayer service repenting for all the “fun” I had. I wanted to get back with the Lord and wanted to grow. He did… I wasn’t empty anymore. God started to fill my heart with Him and I didn’t have to find other things to fill that with, like I had been doing…
In the years following the Lord lead me to different opportunities to serve Him and grew me a ton.
I am a sinner. I was when I disobeyed my parents at age 2… I was when I lied to my parents in 4th grade... I was when I beat up boys in school… I was when I picked on kids in junior high… I was when I judged people in high school… I was when I neglected God in college… I was when I deceived people to think I was a good kid.. I was when I would fight with P… I am now when I lose my temper with A and when I find myself wasting time on unimportant things. My consequence for all this that I did and do is death, BUT my Savior, Jesus Christ, has paid that price for me… I don’t have to do anything but follow Him now and I do that by listening to His spirit that lives inside of me. I have to daily pray and read the word to be in tune with that spirit who longs to tell me what the Lord has for me… But is such joy to be in that relationship with HIM.
I am a sinner. P was a sinner. A is a sinner. We are all sinners. We all need a Savior. The God who created this universe had in His plan when He started it all, to sacrifice His son as our Savior, so why would I think that if He had Jesus’ death all planned that He wouldn’t have P’s death planned? This is what Steve Saint said about his father’s death. Pretty profound huh? Makes you go hmmmm~
Wow I didn’t mean to tell my whole life story. Ha ha... of course I didn’t put all the details in, I’d have to write a book then. I just wanted to point out that we all need a Savior and that God is Sovereign in all He does, even in suffering, whatever your suffering may be. Let Him grow you and build your faith in that suffering that it may bring glory to Him.
When P first died, I was led to Acts. I read it and would laugh at the apostles when they would come out from jail after being beaten, raising their hands to praise God asking for more. I just laughed at how ridiculous that was, but I also prayed that I would have faith like them through this experience. I know if there was a scale of faith, I’d still be not so high up, but I do know that I am experiencing God in such a new way through this experience of suffering. Now I feel it as a blessing… to have known such a godly man and had the honor to call him my husband… what a blessing. I am for sure going to see my P again. I can’t wait til I do, but til then, I will follow hard after the One that is going before me and leading a path for me to follow. Jesus said that our life is going to have suffering… I know this is not my last suffering… there already have been little ones and I know there are more to come, but as in John 16:33… I take heart… Jesus has overcome the world. Come what may… I will not be shaken.
**Please pray for health. I feel much better, but still not 100%. Please pray for our helper and her husband. Haven’t heard much, but praying the Lord will heal him. Pray for me friend… she’s been in the hospital several days with dengue fever. Doing a little better, but still needs lots of rest and numbers need to go up.**
