More from the past, but cuz of internet...

February 3, 2011

My baby is turning 5 tomorrow... I sat down to help her get dressed earlier today and she towers over me. She is 97%tile in height and 75%tile in weight. The girl is gorgeous, smart and has a super personality!!! I love the girl and I can’t believe my baby is turning 5... I think I may cry!

February 4, 2011

So it happened. She’s actually 5, not just here but also stateside time. I was journaling as the day ended... and I realized 2 things... A has been a part of my life longer than P now and A has lived longer without P than with P. It’s so crazy to think about those two things.

Today to celebrate the life of my beautiful daughter, I decorated the house for her to wake up to. A is such a good girl. Sometimes she comes to my bed in the middle of the night and we’ve been working on that. The night before her birthday I told her that she needed to stay in her bed all night because there would be a surprise for her in the morning. She stayed in her room all night and instead of coming straight out, she called out for me in the morning and asked if she could come out. When I heard her, I told her to wait and got my camera. As soon as she walked out I took a picture. I decorated her door and had balloons all over the front of her door. She was surprised!!! Yeah!

She opened presents and we ate muffins that I made. Then we had visitors. A friend of A’s brought her a gift.

It was a full day. She invited her good friend and her little sister because she only wanted girls, but also invited her favorite little friend that is a boy, like her little brother. We went ice-skating, ate at KFC (that is her favorite), had brownies instead of cake, went to a indoor play area, and took everyone else home.

A’s friend was sleeping over, so after taking everyone home, we went to the salon and the girls had a manicure/pedicure while I got a back massage. When we got home the girls played dress up while I made dinner. The girls have been friends for a long time, since A was 2 months old, so it’s fun to see them grow into these big girls... They took a mandi (shower) together which they were both so excited about, it was 45 minutes long. The girls got all comfortable and lounged in the red bean bag chairs to watch a movie. They are sleeping very deeply right now and I pray that they will sleep in tomorrow.

My baby is a big girl now and I should stop calling her baby now... soon she’ll tell me to stop. My baby!!!

Lord I pray that you will continue to be with A and grow her to be a woman that follows hard after you, who’s heart will beat with yours and who will obey you. Lord I pray that she will continue to have a heart for the people around her and bring people into your kingdom. I pray that she will know that you are a God that hears her even when at times it may not seem like it. Lord... I want her to be all about you. I can’t do that without you so please Lord... be her everything.

cuz lack of internet

January 28, 2011

Some days I find myself taking P’s journal off the shelf and reading it. Some days I cry in sadness, some days I laugh in memory, some days I wonder if this person was really real, days like today I get angry at him for thinking the way he did, not because he was wrong, but because... well... maybe the entry will be self explanatory.

From April 26 (Monday), 2004 - 16172 days

Recently SC (his friend from high school, college, and roommate of 5 years) has been talking about “numbering his days” since Dr. Thrasher spoke on Psalm 90. He’s literally numbering his days, counting down to 70. I don’t know that I’ll live to to see 70. I might get hit by a car at 26. I might be killed for Christ at 35. I might die of a heart attack at 65. But the exercise of counting down - numbering the days - might remind me of Psalm 90’s message. The days “guidely pass and we fly away”.

Ephesians 5 - “Redeem the time for the days are evil.”

Of course the entry goes on about his convictions in this area and what he wants to do about it, but now as I look back and read that, it angers me that he would think that... you know how there is a saying, “what you say will happen”.

There have been days, though that I would read this same entry and I would be so proud of the man I married. I would think what a blessing it was to be married to a man like that and therefore I could be the woman I am.

Grieving I know is a crazy thing... so even though three years since he died is not so far away if you think about it, I still think about these things...

But it also makes me think the same thing. I don’t know when I’ll die... I don’t know if tomorrow I will even wake up. I don’t know if I’ll live to see A graduate from high school let alone see my grandkids grow up... So what am I doing with my life?

On the other hand, I still may have another 50 years (which will make me 80) and 5 kids in my future with a wonderful tall godly man and I think, how am I going to make every moment count for the glory of God??

Either way you look at it... life could be short or life could be long... the most important thing is what are you doing with it?

I have been really thinking about being hated. In scripture it talks about how we are to be hated by the world in order to be doing the right thing...

In this world where sin is such a casual thing... where if we don’t accept sin then we are narrow minded bastards... where if we speak truth we are heartless and unloving... where if we actually do what Christ says for us to do that even our so-called brothers and sisters tell us to chill out and hold our tongue or lighten up.

Come on people... seriously. I have been praying lately for the Spirit to move. Where I live is broken, but everywhere in the world there is brokenness and people in need of a Savior. Without us praying and the work of the Holy Spirit, in which we need to pray for, our faith is going to become such a godless nothing. My prayer over and over is for my heart to beat for the things that make God’s heart beat.

What are we putting up with to save our face? What are we shutting up about because we want to be sensitive to people and show them Christ? What are we holding loosely to when the Lord commands so much? What are we doing to repay the debt that we owe? Come seriously people... What are we doing?????

If we are doing right... especially now in this generation, we should be hated by the world. And I don’t mean to go out to the local bar and condemn everyone, but to stand up for truth when we need to whether it means losing our job, letting go of someone, speaking truth into someone’s life... I pray that when we do as Christ desires us, then people’s hearts will be turned, but this will most likely not be the case.

Amsterdam, jet lag and Ruth...

Thank you all for your prayers as we traveled across the world to come back home. It’s been quite a journey. I did not sleep at all and I have been yet having trouble. Jet lag is no fun and trying to have fun in a totally cool city while in jet lag is not fun either. Despite all that, we seriously had a great time in Amsterdam with some great friends. We saw a part of another country that was totally awesome, full of new things, old things and beautiful things. We saw buildings, lands, windmills and lots more. We ate foods that were new and amazingly good. I have really been enjoying traveling and seeing all the things around us that God has personally made unique to each people group.

We got here late at night... I hadn’t slept for 24 hours and A slept here and there... There is old sounds that we need to get adjusted to again and sights that make us fall in love with where we are all over again. It’s a weird sense of excitement and same old same old as we come back.

So we are here and are looking forward to what the Lord has planned for us during our time here again.

I know the title as you could see has three subjects, I have covered two... so here goes the third one... Ruth.

After Phil died, I studied the book of Ruth, it was so head on to what I was going through. I was so seriously floored the way had a plan for the widow... He cared so much that He made it that they would be cared for. I wondered and prayed about being a modern day Ruth. But as you know the world has this notion that men are to be the ones that initiate relationships and girls are to wait for the men to make the move. That’s exactly what I did with P. I prayed that he would be the one that pursued me. The Lord is good because that is exactly what happened.

Yet in this new chapter in my life, I feel that my life is very different. From the things that I have experienced, I just totally think there is no time to waste, so you just need to live to the fullest. So if that means that I have a Boaz in my life that I would like to lay down before and see what happens... just let it out there and let Boaz take the rest, I feel that me, as well as any woman should be able to do this.

So why do I talk about this? It’s kind of funny actually because I was thinking about being a Ruth in my life, but then I met this lady that I had heard about but didn’t meet until recently. She told me how she was a Ruth in her relationship. Then she told me, the story of how her husband and her met... She explained to him about being Ruth... Long story short, her husband asked her why there aren’t very many Ruths in life because he was actually praying for a Ruth. Her response to this was, “There would be a lot more Ruths if there would be Boazes that are ready.” This lady’s point was that Boaz in the book of Ruth knew exactly what to do when Ruth approached her, but men these days don’t know what to do... they aren’t prepared to be a Boaz.

I think of all the guys that I liked throughout my life and I feel like all of them didn’t know what to do when I showed signs of liking them, let alone when I told them out front that I liked them. Honestly now like I said, I am more in the mood to say, “hey I’m interested what do you say.” If you’re not then great let’s move on, if you are then great what should we do. You know what I mean.

Is it so taboo to be Ruth? A question I have been thinking about. Is it wrong?

two more nights

we are heading out after two more nights. i just wanted to post some prayer requests...

1. both A and i are not feeling well. A has had a runny nose and coughing for like two weeks now and i woke up with a stomach virus of some sort. please pray for health for the both of us as we get on the plane real soon for a very long flight.

2. please pray for transitions. it is not easy to travel and we have been traveling a lot these past three months. just pray that we could travel well and adjust back well.

3. as most of you know i have applied to grad school. please pray for quick answers from the school and clear leading from the Lord on next steps.

4. the people we will meet in the midst of traveling and reconnecting with people, please pray that we will be brave in our witness of Christ. please pray for opportunities and boldness.

thank you all for your love and support, but most importantly prayers.

pedestal

Growing up I feel like I learned to put certain people up on a pedestal. Pastors and their families were up ... way way up there. Missionaries that came to visit and told awesome stories of what's going on around the world.... sometimes higher than pastors. Doctors, lawyers, people who were something... Movie stars ... not the same as the "religious" people, but they make a mistake and we're like "how could they". Pedestals are meant for flower arrangements, statues, and decoration, not people. Our standards should not come from others, but from the word of God.

As I type this, I'm actually talking to myself. My heart is heavy and sad for many different reasons... if I could list all of them it would be a waste, but I will mention some...

1. I think sometimes of how I am on this pedestal. People around me think of me as some kind of hero... some kind of wonder woman, but I'm not. This pedestal is burdensome really because when I sense the Lord nudging me, I feel like Satan really uses my "people pleasingness" and reminds of the pedestal I am on, tempting me to go with what the people would have me do rather than what the Lord has asked me to do. So instead of thinking of what God wants, I worry about what it would do to people if I came a crashing off that pedestal.

2. My heart grows more and more heavy for the church... for the church that has become so lukewarm. My heart aches for those who have been in the church for years hearing sermon after sermon, but live a life that is unchanged, unmoved, untouched.

3. Today A and I had a mommy daughter date, in which was a battle really for me. I knew there was so much to do... I knew that a mommy daughter date was probably not a good thing to throw in right now at this point, but I knew she and I both needed it. In being on this date, I realized how much I long to have someone by my side to raise A with and have discussions about making decisions instead of making them all on my own. Someone other than me that A could show her artwork to, carry her when she's tired, handle discipline in public when she's pulled the last straw, even be the third person to take pictures instead of me holding out my arm all the time... And honestly I get frustrated about being put on this pedestal. Maybe I'm not on this pedestal and I'm just really prideful, but I have heard so many times how great people think I am... It's not me dudes!!! Without God, I would not be able to do all that I do and now that the storm is over I just want to live a normal person's life and not be looked at as some really strong woman who can handle anything.... I too dream of a "hot anointed" (phrase borrowed from a friend) man to come sweep me off my feet... My Boaz, if you will.

4. A has been asking for daddy a lot lately. I do not have any more ideas on how to talk to her about it. It's not like she wants to see pictures or daddy videos or talk about him. It's just that she misses daddy. Not sure what to do. She misses daddy and asks for a new one all in one breath. I don't know... Weighs heavy on my heart and only pray that the Lord deals with her as she needs to be.

5. We leave in 9 days and my heart grows heavy for the people, millions and millions of people who are lost and have no hope because they do not know about Jesus. I think of the millions and millions against the only 100s of workers. My heart longs to see people get raised up to go... go out into the nations to share the only hope in Jesus Christ.

6. Prayer. I believe in prayer. I want to pray more. I desire to see prayer change the world. I want to see prayer bring life into people's life.

7. Reading Psalm 119, I want to know, read, meditate and obey God's word. Try reading it and see how many times the author writes precepts and word... When will we as a people take God's word seriously? When will we truly believe this is the only way to gain life? When will we find time to read, study, meditate and memorize God's word instead of finding time to do everything else but that. When will God take priority in our lives?

So these are just a few of the things that my heart is dealing with lately. Please pray for us... A and me... in our individual needs and also as a family. Pray for us as we leave Chicago and head back to our home. Pray for us as we embark another season in our life. Pray for us as we spend the last week... it's going to be crazy!!!

What we've been doing in the states....

getting used to the bitter cold

all bundled up in the snow

enjoying the sun on a cruise with family

hanging out with cool aunts

and good friends

being a flower girl at a very special person's wedding

eating incredibly good food and gaining pounds

celebrating Christmas

being silly

making new memories!!!

Our Job

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's kind of crazy. We have been on four different trips since we've been back and it's been flying by. We now have 15 days until we return back to our house. It's been great being back. God has increasingly been working on things of my heart that have been making me search deep down and go through things that have challenged me greatly. I'm really excited to see what the Lord will be doing with all that.

There is something that's really been burdening my heart. Children. Having gone through what I have gone through and seeing how people have taken care of A and I, I can't help but be grateful of the body of Christ. How so many of those around us have taken God's word, "take care of the fatherless and widows" so seriously. It has been such a privilege to be loved by so many of you.

So this burden in my heart. I longed for such a long time to have more kids. P and I tried for a year and a half to have another child before the Lord took P to be with Himself. Now I think of how that desire is still not gone. Then I think of all those children who are without families. I'm proud to say that there are several families at our church that does "safe house" with Lydia home. There are also so many around me that have adopted. And as I read scripture, I read over and over how our job as followers of Christ is to take care of the widows, fatherless and orphans. I really am burdened and am wrestling with what my role is for our calling as believers for this task. There are about 2.9 million children alone in the US that are orphans (got this off line).

My heart is heavy with sadness when I think about my little A growing up without a father, but then I look at these figures and I am so grateful that I get to raise my daughter, her mother. These children don't have either, for whatever reason. I wonder what Christ's love would do for those children.

Again, this has just been burdening my heart lately and thought I would share it!!!

I really would like to challenge people to question what your role is on this matter. Should you adopt? Should you help out at an orphanage? Should you help financially with those how would like to adopt? Please pray about this for yourselves and for me. This is just another tangible way to do what God has asked us to do.