January 28, 2011
Some days I find myself taking P’s journal off the shelf and reading it. Some days I cry in sadness, some days I laugh in memory, some days I wonder if this person was really real, days like today I get angry at him for thinking the way he did, not because he was wrong, but because... well... maybe the entry will be self explanatory.
From April 26 (Monday), 2004 - 16172 days
Recently SC (his friend from high school, college, and roommate of 5 years) has been talking about “numbering his days” since Dr. Thrasher spoke on Psalm 90. He’s literally numbering his days, counting down to 70. I don’t know that I’ll live to to see 70. I might get hit by a car at 26. I might be killed for Christ at 35. I might die of a heart attack at 65. But the exercise of counting down - numbering the days - might remind me of Psalm 90’s message. The days “guidely pass and we fly away”.
Ephesians 5 - “Redeem the time for the days are evil.”
Of course the entry goes on about his convictions in this area and what he wants to do about it, but now as I look back and read that, it angers me that he would think that... you know how there is a saying, “what you say will happen”.
There have been days, though that I would read this same entry and I would be so proud of the man I married. I would think what a blessing it was to be married to a man like that and therefore I could be the woman I am.
Grieving I know is a crazy thing... so even though three years since he died is not so far away if you think about it, I still think about these things...
But it also makes me think the same thing. I don’t know when I’ll die... I don’t know if tomorrow I will even wake up. I don’t know if I’ll live to see A graduate from high school let alone see my grandkids grow up... So what am I doing with my life?
On the other hand, I still may have another 50 years (which will make me 80) and 5 kids in my future with a wonderful tall godly man and I think, how am I going to make every moment count for the glory of God??
Either way you look at it... life could be short or life could be long... the most important thing is what are you doing with it?
I have been really thinking about being hated. In scripture it talks about how we are to be hated by the world in order to be doing the right thing...
In this world where sin is such a casual thing... where if we don’t accept sin then we are narrow minded bastards... where if we speak truth we are heartless and unloving... where if we actually do what Christ says for us to do that even our so-called brothers and sisters tell us to chill out and hold our tongue or lighten up.
Come on people... seriously. I have been praying lately for the Spirit to move. Where I live is broken, but everywhere in the world there is brokenness and people in need of a Savior. Without us praying and the work of the Holy Spirit, in which we need to pray for, our faith is going to become such a godless nothing. My prayer over and over is for my heart to beat for the things that make God’s heart beat.
What are we putting up with to save our face? What are we shutting up about because we want to be sensitive to people and show them Christ? What are we holding loosely to when the Lord commands so much? What are we doing to repay the debt that we owe? Come seriously people... What are we doing?????
If we are doing right... especially now in this generation, we should be hated by the world. And I don’t mean to go out to the local bar and condemn everyone, but to stand up for truth when we need to whether it means losing our job, letting go of someone, speaking truth into someone’s life... I pray that when we do as Christ desires us, then people’s hearts will be turned, but this will most likely not be the case.
