Today was a busy day. I skipped our Ash Wednesday service at school because my day was too busy. I just needed 30 minutes to myself, in which I finished journaling about what I had read in the morning... But I walk away from days like today and wish I had more time... more time to talk to the friends I hadn't seen all week, more time to ask for forgiveness in a right way instead of in passing, more time to call my daughter from school, more time to reflect on the thoughts, ideas, stuff that I had learned, thought of or talked about during the day.
Today is a start of a 40 day journey to Palm Sunday, 46 day journey to Easter. It's a time to fast, repent, grow in our spiritual formation... to, as I told A this morning, experience just a tiny bit of what Jesus gave up for us. I explained to A this morning about how I would like our family to remember these days by giving up TV and she cried. I mean full on tears and lay on my bed crying... So, I told her she could just have a TV show a day. I am planning on giving up entertainment at home, expect for music, therefore no TV, facebook, youtube, hulu...
Going back to not having time and wanting more time... I started to get excited as I thought of all the extra time I would have because I wouldn't be surfing the net, I wouldn't be stalking people on facebook, looking up interesting things on youtube and watching shows on hulu. I've been wanting to read a book outside of class work. I've been wanting to blog more. I've been wanting to write more encouraging notes to people. I've been wanting to do so much more than I have been... I feel like this will be a good time to start.
I don't want to get caught up in the busyness of life... Taking time to care for myself, deepening my intimacy with God and making sure I notice the people around me and care for them... Lord help me to do this.
**Early this week as I was listening to music, this song spoke God's truth into my heart...**
More than Amazing - Lincoln Brewster
You're the one who walked on water
And you calmed the raging seas
You command the highest mountains
to fall upon their knees
You're the one who welcomed sinners
And you opened blinded eyes
You restored the brokenhearted
And you brought the dead to life
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
With authority you've spoken
And you've set the captive free
You're the king who came to serve
You're the God who washed our feet
You're the one who took our burdens
And you bled upon the cross
In your kindness and your mercy
You became the way for us
forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are
Whoa!!!
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are*
You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
heavy
i was in the middle of my quiet time this morning when i got a text from a friend all the way across the world to inform me of a death. my helper's husband passed away 11:45ish pm chicago time on february 20. i went numb as soon as i heard, didn't really know how to react... i was too far away. i called A over and we prayed for them... that's when it hit... i started crying.
my helper is no ordinary helper... she was family to us, but not only her, but also her husband. they have cared for us since A was 6 months, but when A and i went on our own a few years ago, they were so committed to doing whatever they can for us. she was by my side when i had leave A for the first time for language school, she taught my daughter the local dialect, she helped me pack up my house when P died, she's walked us through break-ins, through police stations, through people walking into our house and verbally attacking us, ... the list could go on. i feel helpless not being able to be next to her when she was continually next to me.
as i prayed throughout the morning, my heart just became so heavy. he's eternally in hell... a sense of guilt for not trying hard enough to tell him about christ overcame me... then i remembered my first days, weeks and months without P and how terribly hard it was... and i empathized with her and prayed for these dark days to come. my heart then became heavier... you see for the next 100 days, they'll be praying for his soul to enter heaven... people will start telling her to get married again... her kids... ugh... i praised God that my name is in the Lamb's book of life... and so when this tragedy happened to me, i knew deep down inside there was hope... she does not yet know this... i don't know how she's going to get through this without christ and my heart aches for her...
i got an e-mail today from a friend across the world. she said something so encouraging. she told me how our helper now will remember my strength and faith as she walks through this... i humbly pray that if my little example could be of any guidance to her salvation... please Lord let it be.
please pray for this family (she's young, 36, with two kids 13 and 3)... and for me... i feel so far away from home...
**a little frustrated i can't find a picture of their family... must be in one of the computers that was stolen.**
my helper is no ordinary helper... she was family to us, but not only her, but also her husband. they have cared for us since A was 6 months, but when A and i went on our own a few years ago, they were so committed to doing whatever they can for us. she was by my side when i had leave A for the first time for language school, she taught my daughter the local dialect, she helped me pack up my house when P died, she's walked us through break-ins, through police stations, through people walking into our house and verbally attacking us, ... the list could go on. i feel helpless not being able to be next to her when she was continually next to me.
as i prayed throughout the morning, my heart just became so heavy. he's eternally in hell... a sense of guilt for not trying hard enough to tell him about christ overcame me... then i remembered my first days, weeks and months without P and how terribly hard it was... and i empathized with her and prayed for these dark days to come. my heart then became heavier... you see for the next 100 days, they'll be praying for his soul to enter heaven... people will start telling her to get married again... her kids... ugh... i praised God that my name is in the Lamb's book of life... and so when this tragedy happened to me, i knew deep down inside there was hope... she does not yet know this... i don't know how she's going to get through this without christ and my heart aches for her...
i got an e-mail today from a friend across the world. she said something so encouraging. she told me how our helper now will remember my strength and faith as she walks through this... i humbly pray that if my little example could be of any guidance to her salvation... please Lord let it be.
please pray for this family (she's young, 36, with two kids 13 and 3)... and for me... i feel so far away from home...
**a little frustrated i can't find a picture of their family... must be in one of the computers that was stolen.**
Thursday, February 16, 2012
a gift from a friend
One of my favorite people in the world sent me this song a couple days ago... She said how it reminded her of me and was praying for me. It's a beautiful song... Wanted to share it.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Spring is coming
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm againWatch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
Steven Curtis Chapman - Spring is coming
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm againWatch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Unexpected darkness
Grieving is a life long process. I knew this, but when it hits and brings you down when you least expect it, boy does it throw you off your balance. Last week was an unexpected darkness. Nothing cued up to what hit. Monday, the 30th of January, I sat at a Starbucks to journal and study while A was at school. As I journaled, I had a feeling that the date had some meaning, but I couldn't remember while I was sitting there. So whatever... I went on to my other tasks.... then it hit me. 8 years ago on January 30th, P and I went on our first date... And for some reason, remembering that I went down a downward spiral. First of all 8 years seems like such a long time... that very week A was turning 6 and that seemed like another event that was related to this, but not at the same time.
Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am. Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.
On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out. After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park. I praise God for having memory park so close. I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P... I cried... it was cold... On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us. As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park. She has grown so much from that day... So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...
I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life. I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end... Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.
We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great. God had so many people praying and caring for us that day. I am so thankful!! She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.
Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am. Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.
On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out. After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park. I praise God for having memory park so close. I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P... I cried... it was cold... On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us. As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park. She has grown so much from that day... So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...
I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life. I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end... Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.
We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great. God had so many people praying and caring for us that day. I am so thankful!! She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.
picture from her birthday!!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Simplicity
On Thursday I took A to the Field Museum. It was a free day and I thought it would be a good learning experience for her. So after her school, we headed to one of my favorite places on earth... Downtown Chicago...
We had so much fun looking around and we both learned a lot. But the reason for this entry is a reflection of my time there.
If you have ever gone to the Field, it is a cool place... It has different exhibits that feature history around the world. And this is where my reflection starts. I walked through many of the exhibits in awe of how people lived a long time ago. How did they live in a teepee with those tools? How did the Egyptians move all those bricks? Of course they have explanations, but it was just fascinating... I got sad though as I walked along... You see a picture of how people lived so simply a long time ago and worked so hard... And we have all the means to make life simpler than those who lived a long time ago, but we are still so busy and don't have time for the important things in life.
I remember when I was at the age of dating and being serious with a guy, people around me would say how I could tell if a man would work hard by holding their hand. If their hand was rough and scratchy then he knows hard work, but if a man had soft smooth hands, then they wouldn't know what hard work really was. So much research shows how more and more people are just sitting behind desks. Not that sitting behind a desk isn't hard work, but for someone to really wrestle with the earth and get down and dirty is something different.
So going back to my Field Museum reflections... I was sad and felt heavy of the fact that we humans created things to make our lives simpler only to grow farther from the one who created us. Our lives are so easy and comfortable that we don't need God, we basically could figure it out on our own.
I just want to learn how we balance all that we could have and all that we absolutely need. I want to be content with what I have and use my time for the glory of God with the resources that I have...
One thing I thought of was Facebook... Such a great tool to keep up with people and connect with others, but it could really consume my time... I've wrestled with the thought of disconnecting from Facebook, but then thought how I could use it for God's glory... So I've thought of putting praises for my status update. People will still know about my life, but it's in a way to honor God.
I want to do that more with my life... Find ways to Glorify God!! Thanks to the Field Museum...
We had so much fun looking around and we both learned a lot. But the reason for this entry is a reflection of my time there.
If you have ever gone to the Field, it is a cool place... It has different exhibits that feature history around the world. And this is where my reflection starts. I walked through many of the exhibits in awe of how people lived a long time ago. How did they live in a teepee with those tools? How did the Egyptians move all those bricks? Of course they have explanations, but it was just fascinating... I got sad though as I walked along... You see a picture of how people lived so simply a long time ago and worked so hard... And we have all the means to make life simpler than those who lived a long time ago, but we are still so busy and don't have time for the important things in life.
I remember when I was at the age of dating and being serious with a guy, people around me would say how I could tell if a man would work hard by holding their hand. If their hand was rough and scratchy then he knows hard work, but if a man had soft smooth hands, then they wouldn't know what hard work really was. So much research shows how more and more people are just sitting behind desks. Not that sitting behind a desk isn't hard work, but for someone to really wrestle with the earth and get down and dirty is something different.
So going back to my Field Museum reflections... I was sad and felt heavy of the fact that we humans created things to make our lives simpler only to grow farther from the one who created us. Our lives are so easy and comfortable that we don't need God, we basically could figure it out on our own.
I just want to learn how we balance all that we could have and all that we absolutely need. I want to be content with what I have and use my time for the glory of God with the resources that I have...
One thing I thought of was Facebook... Such a great tool to keep up with people and connect with others, but it could really consume my time... I've wrestled with the thought of disconnecting from Facebook, but then thought how I could use it for God's glory... So I've thought of putting praises for my status update. People will still know about my life, but it's in a way to honor God.
I want to do that more with my life... Find ways to Glorify God!! Thanks to the Field Museum...
Friday, January 27, 2012
Are we missing it?
Tonight I took A to Disney on Ice. Because it was going to be a night event, I knew that she needed to nap during the day to survive this wonderful night that I had planned for her. So on the way home from picking her up at my friend's house, I told her that we were going to go home, take a nap, wait for Eemo (my sister), go out for dinner and then go to Disney on Ice. Of course A did not want to nap, so I told her if she didn't nap, she would not be able to go to Disney on Ice. She in her 5 (now almost 6) year old attitude told me that she didn't want to go. I'm not one to buy into that, so I told her that was fine and that I would find a sitter for her and Eemo and I would go on our own. That was not what she was expecting me to say...
I tell this story because as I sat in the show (she ended up taking a nap and apologizing for her attitude), I saw her face full of excitement, joy and amazement, which I knew was going to happen. I thought about how it would have been if she didn't nap, she would have missed out on this opportunity which I knew was going to be awesome for her. So then as I thought about that, I thought of how many wonderful opportunities I missed at having a magical experience from God because I didn't want to "nap". How many times has God challenged me to do something that I didn't want to do, but He knew it was going to be good for me in the long run? How many magical moments did I miss because I had this attitude? Are we missing it?
This week I have been talking about the story of the Prodigal Son and his older brother with a friend. My friend specifically was lamenting the older brothers of this world... The older brother who stayed at home and didn't mess up and did everything right... who when his brother was forgiven and brought back into the family as if nothing happened got angry... I'm not saying that we have to all go out and mess up like the Prodigal Son to really get it, but the older brother really missed the point. And whether it's attitudes of not wanting to take the "nap" that is going to be good for you or feeling unfairness because the brother was forgiven... Do these attitudes play in to us missing the magical things in life that God has for us?
This is a thought I had before going to bed tonight... Let's all be people of grace, righteousness and love!!!
I tell this story because as I sat in the show (she ended up taking a nap and apologizing for her attitude), I saw her face full of excitement, joy and amazement, which I knew was going to happen. I thought about how it would have been if she didn't nap, she would have missed out on this opportunity which I knew was going to be awesome for her. So then as I thought about that, I thought of how many wonderful opportunities I missed at having a magical experience from God because I didn't want to "nap". How many times has God challenged me to do something that I didn't want to do, but He knew it was going to be good for me in the long run? How many magical moments did I miss because I had this attitude? Are we missing it?
This week I have been talking about the story of the Prodigal Son and his older brother with a friend. My friend specifically was lamenting the older brothers of this world... The older brother who stayed at home and didn't mess up and did everything right... who when his brother was forgiven and brought back into the family as if nothing happened got angry... I'm not saying that we have to all go out and mess up like the Prodigal Son to really get it, but the older brother really missed the point. And whether it's attitudes of not wanting to take the "nap" that is going to be good for you or feeling unfairness because the brother was forgiven... Do these attitudes play in to us missing the magical things in life that God has for us?
This is a thought I had before going to bed tonight... Let's all be people of grace, righteousness and love!!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Another beginning
Tomorrow my second semester starts. I am really excited about 2012. I sense that it will be a great year. This is going to be a short post... I just wanted to ask for prayer... God has been leading these weeks with two words... Spirit and Truth. I feel that this is how I am to live 2012, in spirit and truth, not that other years I wasn't supposed to live that way, but I really sense Him bringing those two words clearly into my mind as I spend time with Him. So please pray as I start this year.... pray that I will live a life lead by the Spirit (Holy Spirit) and Truth (His word).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)