picture found!!!

P's dad just sent this to me... a picture of my helper's family with us.  this is before their son was born.  

Blessings in the mail...

Tomorrow will mark what would have been P and my 7th wedding anniversary.    I'm blogging about it tonight because tomorrow will be busy.  But I just want to share a few thoughts...

1.  I am wanting to do fun things on memory jerking days...  I mean why wallow in self-pity right?  So my school is having a "Winter Waltz".  :)  When I heard of it in the beginning I was like, serious?  But yes they are having a full blown out waltz... I'm not going to go all out fancy, but I thought it would be so much fun right?  I told my friend that I would go with her.  Today I was thinking of what it was going to cost me to go... though I would have tons of fun... I didn't know if it was worth the money, since I want to live on a good budget.  When I checked the mail today, I got a check from a friend... Thought of us and sent us a monetary gift.  Perfect timing.  I thought... God does loves me... So... tomorrow I am going to a dance.  :)

2.  This year as I thought about this day approaching, I wanted to focus more on the what is and the what will be rather than the what could have beens.  God had every part of my life mapped out from before I was conceived...  I trust in the God that ordains the good and the bad that happen in life.  I do not want to live in fear, but in the hope that Christ gives us with the life He gave up and took back!!!  I'm learning to trust!

3.  7 years is a long time, but yet so short...  so much has happened.  The Lord gives and He takes away...  I just want to bless His name... Lord whatever the next 7 years may bring, let me be able to say "Blessed be Your Name!!"

Praying for continual JOY as the Lord leads our every step.  He is good and His mercies are new every morning.  I love you Lord!  Thank You for the 3 years and almost 4 months we did have together as man and wife.

smiles

there are things in life that bring a smile to my face.  my daughter, vanilla ice-cream, chicago (especially driving to the city and seeing the skyline), funfetti cake, babies, good company, beautiful images that give a glimpse of heaven... the list could go on, but this morning at 5:37 i opened my eyes and heard trucks shoveling snow... and i smiled.  i opened my curtain and there it was... one of my favorite things in the world.... snow.  so beautiful... i've been praying for one last snow so that A and i could enjoy some snow time...  yay!!! it's here.  i'll be smiling all day long.

30 minutes to myself

Today was a busy day.  I skipped our Ash Wednesday service at school because my day was too busy.  I just needed 30 minutes to myself, in which I finished journaling about what I had read in the morning...  But I walk away from days like today and wish I had more time... more time to talk to the friends I hadn't seen all week, more time to ask for forgiveness in a right way instead of in passing, more time to call my daughter from school, more time to reflect on the thoughts, ideas, stuff that I had learned, thought of or talked about during the day.

Today is a start of a 40 day journey to Palm Sunday, 46 day journey to Easter.  It's a time to fast, repent, grow in our spiritual formation...  to, as I told A this morning, experience just a tiny bit of what Jesus gave up for us.  I explained to A this morning about how I would like our family to remember these days by giving up TV and she cried.  I mean full on tears and lay on my bed crying...  So, I told her she could just have a TV show a day.  I am planning on giving up entertainment at home, expect for music, therefore no TV, facebook, youtube, hulu...

Going back to not having time and wanting more time... I started to get excited as I thought of all the extra time I would have because I wouldn't be surfing the net, I wouldn't be stalking people on facebook, looking up interesting things on youtube and watching shows on hulu.  I've been wanting to read a book outside of class work.  I've been wanting to blog more.  I've been wanting to write more encouraging notes to people.  I've been wanting to do so much more than I have been... I feel like this will be a good time to start.

I don't want to get caught up in the busyness of life... Taking time to care for myself, deepening my intimacy with God and making sure I notice the people around me and care for them... Lord help me to do this.

**Early this week as I was listening to music, this song spoke God's truth into my heart...**

More than Amazing - Lincoln Brewster

You're the one who walked on water
And you calmed the raging seas
You command the highest mountains
to fall upon their knees

You're the one who welcomed sinners
And you opened blinded eyes
You restored the brokenhearted
And you brought the dead to life

forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises

You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing

With authority you've spoken
And you've set the captive free
You're the king who came to serve
You're the God who washed our feet

You're the one who took our burdens
And you bled upon the cross
In your kindness and your mercy
You became the way for us

forgetting all our sins
You remember all your promises

You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough

You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough

Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious
You are amazing
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are

Whoa!!! 

Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious 
You are amazing 
Oh how marvelous
Oh how wonderful
Oh how glorious You are*

You are amazing
More than amazing
Forever our god
You're more than enough
You are amazing

heavy

i was in the middle of my quiet time this morning when i got a text from a friend all the way across the world to inform me of a death.  my helper's husband passed away 11:45ish pm chicago time on february 20.  i went numb as soon as i heard, didn't really know how to react... i was too far away.  i called A over and we prayed for them... that's when it hit... i started crying.

my helper is no ordinary helper... she was family to us, but not only her, but also her husband.  they have cared for us since A was 6 months, but when A and i went on our own a few years ago, they were so committed to doing whatever they can for us.  she was by my side when i had leave A for the first time for language school, she taught my daughter the local dialect, she helped me pack up my house when P died, she's walked us through break-ins, through police stations, through people walking into our house and verbally attacking us, ...  the list could go on.  i feel helpless not being able to be next to her when she was continually next to me.

as i prayed throughout the morning, my heart just became so heavy.  he's eternally in hell... a sense of  guilt for not trying hard enough to tell him about christ overcame me... then i remembered my first days, weeks and months without P and how terribly hard it was... and i empathized with her and prayed for these dark days to come.  my heart then became heavier...  you see for the next 100 days, they'll be praying for his soul to enter heaven... people will start telling her to get married again... her kids... ugh... i praised God that my name is in the Lamb's book of life... and so when this tragedy happened to me, i knew deep down inside there was hope... she does not yet know this... i don't know how she's going to get through this without christ and my heart aches for her...

i got an e-mail today from a friend across the world.  she said something so encouraging.  she told me how our helper now will remember my strength and faith as she walks through this...  i humbly pray that if my little example could be of any guidance to her salvation...  please Lord let it be.

please pray for this family (she's young, 36, with two kids 13 and 3)...  and for me... i feel so far away from home...
**a little frustrated i can't find a picture of their family... must be in one of the computers that was stolen.**

a gift from a friend

One of my favorite people in the world sent me this song a couple days ago...  She said how it reminded her of me and was praying for me.  It's a beautiful song...  Wanted to share it.
Steven Curtis Chapman - Spring is coming
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the groundThe sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brownNow the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stoneAnd silently seed rise beneath ice and snow
And my heart's heavy nowBut I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells meSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingIt won't be long now, it's just about here
Hear the birds start to singFeel the life in the breezeWatch the ice melt awayThe kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skinGrowing strong and warm againWatch the ground: there's something movingSomething is breaking throughNew life is breaking through
Spring is coming, Spring is comingAnd all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appearSpring is coming, Spring is comingAnd it won't be long now, it's just about here
Spring is coming, Spring is coming(Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear(Sorrow will be turned to joy)Spring is coming, Spring is coming(All we hoped for soon will appear)It won't be long now, it's just about here(Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)(All above in heaven, rejoice)(Spring is coming soon)(Spring is coming soon)

Unexpected darkness

Grieving is a life long process.  I knew this, but when it hits and brings you down when you least expect it, boy does it throw you off your balance.  Last week was an unexpected darkness.  Nothing cued up to what hit.  Monday, the 30th of January, I sat at a Starbucks to journal and study while A was at school.  As I journaled, I had a feeling that the date had some meaning, but I couldn't remember while I was sitting there.  So whatever...  I went on to my other tasks.... then it hit me.  8 years ago on January 30th, P and I went on our first date... And for some reason, remembering that I went down a downward spiral.  First of all 8 years seems like such a long time... that very week A was turning 6 and that seemed like another event that was related to this, but not at the same time.

Most days I am very joyful person and content with where I am.  Last week I had a hard time... You see when you marry at 24, you don't expect at 27 you will become a widow... then after you come to terms with being a widow... you expect life to be a certain way by a certain time... so in the midst of mourning a loss again, remembering our first date, celebrating the 6th birthday of my beautiful daughter... the realities of life also hit and it was a week of processing that, grieving that and finding a way out of the unexpected darkness that hit my week.

On Friday, I was still pretty low... I felt like there was this heavy sadness on my heart and I just needed to let it out.  After dropping A off at school, I had the intention of going to study, but instead I found myself on the highway headed for Elmhurst... memory park.  I praise God for having memory park so close.  I went and talked to P for a while... I talked to him about the things in my heart... told him how A was turning 6 and remembered the day "together" with P...  I cried... it was cold...  On the way back, I sobbed, but a good sob... so grateful for how far God has brought us.  As I drove out of memory park, I remembered how on the day we went to bury P, A asked where we were going and God gave me the wisdom to tell her about memory park.  She has grown so much from that day...  So thankful for how faithful God has been for both A and I...

I am so thankful of how short the darkness has become in my life.  I remember times when I thought the darkness would not end...  Now it is but a moment and even in those moments I know the light will come just around the corner.

We celebrated A's birthday and it was just so great.  God had so many people praying and caring for us that day.  I am so thankful!!  She is a true blessing to me and I'm so proud of the little lady she is turning out to be.

picture from her birthday!!