on hold

**i sent out a letter, but if you did not get it and would like to get it please e-mail me. i'll send it to you quickly**

it's hard to be in the waiting room as my dear friend KS says. the waiting room of life sometimes takes just a minute, but other times it could just go on forever.

i've had my share of waiting rooms... waiting room for college... waiting room for job... waiting room for husband... waiting room for a baby... waiting rooms... and i just think of what our posture is like in those waiting rooms... are we walking back and forth not being able to sit down, worried and nervous of what is to come... or are we sitting down on the nice leather sofa and enjoying what's going on now and trusting that what is to come will be good, because it's from our Father?

i know in my past waiting rooms, i was up pacing back and forth... worried, filled with thoughts... filled with what's next... filled with what if nothing good would come of this... but now as i find myself in different waiting rooms... i find myself, initially getting up to pace and the Lord reminding, either through His word or through friends, that i should just sit down, relax and enjoy Him...

i am currently in the waiting room of a house. i have lived in this apartment for a little over two months now. i enjoy it here, but just feel like maybe my time is up and i'm eager to move... yet the Lord keeps saying no. there are houses that open up and He doesn't give me peace... and i just ask Him, "how long do you want me to be here in this room with A, cramming all we own in one wardrobe and one room?" and He just smiles and says wait, I have something even better coming your way. it's hard... whatever He's got up His sleeve, i know is better than the houses that have come my way... but dude seriously it's soooooooo hard to wait patiently.

and in the midst of this, the Lord keeps taking me back to Psalm 37: 3-7.... the promises that He gave me...

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..."

the words in bold are the things that i need to do... and the italic is what the LORD promises...

so in this waiting room, and we all know that sometimes we are in more than one waiting room at a time, i want to do my part and trust that the LORD will fulfill HIS promises to me!! He has been nothing but good to me... Thank you Lord...

People we meet along the way...

Back in January, as I was planning on moving to the house that flooded, I prayed for a good family to move into our house. We moved out on Saturday and up til Friday morning we did not have anyone to come into the house. That afternoon I got a call from this lady in the picture (SC). She told me that she and her husband would like to come see the house and about an hour later there they were. The next morning I moved out and that afternoon, they moved in.

Now this couple, who I only met once before they had come to look at my house, have been an extreme encouragement to me. I've kind of adopted them as my Korean parents here.

I want to share their story, because they shared their story to encourage me.

SC was about 26 when she got married to her first husband. Although they married in the church, she admits she had no relationship with Christ. She and her first husband just went to church, but their lives weren't lives that bore fruit. When SC was 29, he husband died. (The first day I met SC was at school. She didn't tell me her story then, but she came to give me a hug and told me that her first husband died when she was 29. With tears in her eyes, she told me that God is good and that she's praying for me. I returned to my class with tears in my eyes.) After her husband died, she said life was tough, but because her marriage was bad with her first husband she did not desire to get married again. But the Lord was good and grew her spiritually and one day at the age of 39 asked her to move to China.

MC lived in China most of his married life. His wife and him had 2 beautiful girls who loved living in China. One day, the family was struck with terrible news, MC's wife had cancer. She insisted on staying in China and died there. MC and his girls returned to Korea to bury her and stayed for about a year. His girls having lived in China all their life, longed to go back, and so they packed up and headed back to China.

For 10 years, SC did not want to get married, she didn't even think of it. As soon as she got to China, she felt the Lord giving her a desire to get married again.

MC, after a year and a half of his wife's death, was asked if he would like to be introduced to a nice woman. This nice woman ended up being SC. They are now married, oh man, I forget like 8 or 9 years.

They told me this story together... both had painful stories, but I could tell they both loved each other a lot and was just excited to serve God together. I cried...

There are a lot of people in this world I know that have lost their spouses... I have been loved and cared for by many... but this couple for some reason I felt understood more than those others... because they are overseas and know life overseas... and MC had lost his wife overseas. Koreans aren't very expressive, but these two have been so good to me. If they don't see me at school, she calls me to see if I'm doing okay. One time I was tired and she, like a mother, kept telling me that I need to take care of myself and asked if she could do anything.

I think of their story and know that God is good. I find hope in the fact that He loves his children...

Now that this couple lives in our house, they tell me every time they see me what a legacy we left in our neighborhood. MC tells me how God is so proud and will bless me abundantly for the loss I experienced. He tells me that God remembers the tears of His saints. They are diligently praying for a new spouse for me and they say it's because they understand. :)

Just a little story of some people I met along the way...

Updated picture

I finally got a camera. This was at work yesterday as we celebrated birthdays American style. It was fun. I am sick so my eyes are like really puffy, but this is the most recent picture of us, so thought I would put it up.

If you look on facebook there are more pictures.

same situation, new perspective...

after a weekend away, coming back to the same situations... the same circumstances... the Lord gives me new perspective... a new eye to see things and a new heart to deal with things...

He gave me this song as i started my day yesterday and i love it!!!

by lincoln brewster... i've been listening to his CD since...

Here we go!
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

I’m casting my cares aside
I’m leaving my past behind
I’m setting my heart and mind on You
Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Chorus:
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Today is the day
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

I putting my fears aside
I’m leaving my doubts behind
I’m giving my hopes and dreams to You
Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Chorus:


I will stand upon Your truth.
(I will stand upon Your truth)
And all my days I’ll live for You
(And all my days I’ll live for You)

i mean seriously read the lyrics... it's good. spoke to me!!

ER

I was named by my dad. He gave me some real biblical names... so for a Korean, I have a very Mennonite name, which totally fits P's family. Today as I was driving, I was praying and just talked to God about how I feel my name is the life I am living. I don't think my dad prayerfully gave me my name for me to live exactly like those women, but to have characteristics like them... brave, bold, obedient... Yet today as I prayed... and thought through what the women I was named after did... I thought of how awesome it was that the Lord through my dad named me ER.

E is the queen in the Bible... there goes the whole coded names thing... ha ha... she saves her people... and I thought of how we as believers have a job to save people... I am in my context saving people from eternity in hell... or at least trying.

R is a Moabitess who becomes a widow of an Israelite. She sees God in this family she lived with and follows her mother-in-law back to Bethlehem to have this thing that her husband's family has that no one else she knows has throughout her people. She gives up everything to follow her... and the Lord blesses her for her obedience.

As I prayed in the car, I was so glad to have my name... and glad that my dad name me ER and hopeful for God's faithfulness.... He spoke some promises to me throughout my time with Him, promises of hope and goodness. He reminded me of how He loves me and is still ahead of me, beside me and behind me as I walk this road, even when sometimes seriously it doesn't feel like it. I feel at peace in the palm of my Father's hand.

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Today A and I had a date. I felt that for about a month now, our life has been hectic and we haven't had our own time, so I took her out. I love my little girl. She's got such a sweet tender heart... but today it was tested.

My sister sent us some pretzels, a real treat, so we took some with us on our date to eat in the car. She had the container and I went to grab some and she closed it shut. She told me she didn't want to share... I talked to her about it... asking her how she thinks her actions are making me feel... she said she still didn't want to share and I told her that made me sad. Then A something that was so cute, but so honest... "I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't want to and I don't know what to do." I had this big grin on my face... To see my daughter struggle with one of life's lessons. I told her that at times like that she should ask Jesus what she should do... So holding tight onto the container, my daughter looked out the window of the car and had an internal discussion with Jesus.... She looked so sad, but sincere. It literally took her five minutes, but as I drove and sang to some music, I see this container come my way... opened!!! I told her thank you... she said she would share... I asked her if that's what Jesus told her to do and she said YES. I'm so proud of my little girl.

Now this is in no way to boast about me nor my daughter... This weekend, I went on a retreat with some women. A stayed with my friends. During this retreat, being a good, wise mom was one of my prayer requests. I felt that the Lord really answered my prayers... I continue to pray that the Lord will lead me in parenting A in wisdom and love.

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I think of A's name now and pray for her to have what the women she is named after has, but not go through the specific circumstances. Her name also from the Bible... I pray she will be a prayerful woman, waiting on the Lord and excited about the Messiah.

different

this past week of house sitting has been a week of fun and "ah-ha" moments. i lived in a house with A and a 19 year old, W. W had girls over every night, friends that she desired to show God's love. these girls were girls i have heard of, but never met, so it was a lot of fun to get to know them. not only were girls there, but the guys that lived next door in this duplex came over with there friends also. it was a rockin' house. people coming in and out, laughter everywhere, chats about life with different people... A being spoiled rotten by all those aunts and uncles, tantes and oms. it was so much fun... but as i sat there with all those single people... i realized that yes as my status is now single... i am not the same as them. as TT said a few times... "man you have a four year old." and he didn't say it to be mean or like i didn't know, but it was something we all realized... we all realized that was the reason they had to start quieting down at 7 so A could go to bed... it was the reason that i couldn't go out with them to eat at any hour of the night... it was the reason they couldn't say "stupid" or "hate"... it was the reason that although i am single and desire a lot of what most singles desire, it was different...

it's not something i didn't know before. i knew that if i wanted to get married again that my dating life with this future whoever would be totally different than when P and i went out on dates. i knew that i had a four year old. i knew that i wasn't the same as another 29 year old single woman out there.... but when reality hits you in the face, not just with head knowledge, but actually having to live it... it just hits you and you have to take time to soak it in.

my housemates had pranks pulled on them by the guys next door the first week they were there. this was before i got there. W is leaving tomorrow, so sunday night, the girls decided to pull one on the guys. it was good since they got some help. i was there to witness the whole thing and helped the girls with some. it was hilarious to see and hear the pranks go off. it was good to have fun again.

we are back at our apartment... so different than the life we lived last week. A is in bed and for me instead of talking with people, i'm on the computer.

today, i got to talk to a girl who lost her father at the age of 8. she was holding back tears as she shared her story. she told me that her mom and her never talk about it, both fearing to bring up pain for each other. so they both avoid it. she also told me that she and her sister never want her mom to get married again. i cried with her...

i praise God for leading me to hit grief head on and deal with so much. i thank God for my counselor and numerous friends that helped me through those hard dark days... letting me share whatever i needed to share at the time. i give thanks for the friends that shared stories and became a part of my life. i praise God for healing and continual healing, even in this realization of my different singleness... i thank God for my daughter who has also been healing well and now prays for a new daddy. she still talks about playing with daddy when she gets to heaven, but she said that she wants one to play with here. and i praise the Lord for A as she gives me smiles throughout the day and encourages me.

the difference doesn't just come with a group of singles. it also comes with going out with families. we aren't a normal family... sometimes i do feel like a third wheel or fifth wheel... whatever you want to call it... but it's true... A and i really don't fit anywhere. doesn't mean we don't enjoy our times with either group, but it's just reality that it's different. it doesn't hurt like it used to... but i still notice it.... wishing it wasn't that way and wonder when it could like the others. i wish i could say it's me, but with either group (either because she sees her friends with their daddies or if she's with some single uncles that were really nice to her), A will come home and tell me how she misses daddy... asks for daddy... then when the conversation ends with daddy is in heaven and won't be back... then she longs for a daddy of her own... sometimes in tears.

my friend was kind of comparing this with TCKs (third culture kids - look it up). i totally am a TCK... i'm not really all american, so when i'm with "white" americans, i'm different... i'm not totally korean, so when i'm with the "original" koreans, i'm different... same goes for this... i'm single, but really not single... i'm a family, but really not a family... you mix in both companies well... but it is still different.

i just thought i would share with you my heart as i still grieve P and his absence in our lives... but again that desire that both A and i feel of wanting to be a family again.

pillow fight

at the house i am house sitting at, we had a sleepover last night with like 9 girls all together. A had a blast with all these aunts here. we ate and hung out. A loved playing twister the most. she was up way passed her bed time. ha ha... she loved it and so did i. we laughed so hard. it was a great girl time to have!!

tonight a bunch of people were over to hang out as they were figuring out where to eat for two and a half hours.... it was hilarious. A had a pillow fight with all the people here... she just went around hitting people with the pillow and laughing so hard... three uncles were chasing her around also and giving her ideas of attack. we are really enjoying our time here. it's coming to a close, but it will be such a sweet memory.

the Lord is definitely giving me different opportunities and communities to thrive here. each is different, some hard others easy... some sad others so much fun... whatever it is, i love the way He is right there ahead of me, gently leading me and giving me His hand whenever i feel i can't go another step... the great thing is, at times i even feel Him carrying me and i just smile... what a great feeling to be carried by the One who loves me most. my prayer still to have more of Jesus and less of me... my hearts desire and cry for my life.

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**ANNOUNCEMENT**

my funnote account has changed. it is my first name and middle name (all lowercase) with my birth month and date without the zero @funnote.net

Please change that!!!