this past week of house sitting has been a week of fun and "ah-ha" moments. i lived in a house with A and a 19 year old, W. W had girls over every night, friends that she desired to show God's love. these girls were girls i have heard of, but never met, so it was a lot of fun to get to know them. not only were girls there, but the guys that lived next door in this duplex came over with there friends also. it was a rockin' house. people coming in and out, laughter everywhere, chats about life with different people... A being spoiled rotten by all those aunts and uncles, tantes and oms. it was so much fun... but as i sat there with all those single people... i realized that yes as my status is now single... i am not the same as them. as TT said a few times... "man you have a four year old." and he didn't say it to be mean or like i didn't know, but it was something we all realized... we all realized that was the reason they had to start quieting down at 7 so A could go to bed... it was the reason that i couldn't go out with them to eat at any hour of the night... it was the reason they couldn't say "stupid" or "hate"... it was the reason that although i am single and desire a lot of what most singles desire, it was different...
it's not something i didn't know before. i knew that if i wanted to get married again that my dating life with this future whoever would be totally different than when P and i went out on dates. i knew that i had a four year old. i knew that i wasn't the same as another 29 year old single woman out there.... but when reality hits you in the face, not just with head knowledge, but actually having to live it... it just hits you and you have to take time to soak it in.
my housemates had pranks pulled on them by the guys next door the first week they were there. this was before i got there. W is leaving tomorrow, so sunday night, the girls decided to pull one on the guys. it was good since they got some help. i was there to witness the whole thing and helped the girls with some. it was hilarious to see and hear the pranks go off. it was good to have fun again.
we are back at our apartment... so different than the life we lived last week. A is in bed and for me instead of talking with people, i'm on the computer.
today, i got to talk to a girl who lost her father at the age of 8. she was holding back tears as she shared her story. she told me that her mom and her never talk about it, both fearing to bring up pain for each other. so they both avoid it. she also told me that she and her sister never want her mom to get married again. i cried with her...
i praise God for leading me to hit grief head on and deal with so much. i thank God for my counselor and numerous friends that helped me through those hard dark days... letting me share whatever i needed to share at the time. i give thanks for the friends that shared stories and became a part of my life. i praise God for healing and continual healing, even in this realization of my different singleness... i thank God for my daughter who has also been healing well and now prays for a new daddy. she still talks about playing with daddy when she gets to heaven, but she said that she wants one to play with here. and i praise the Lord for A as she gives me smiles throughout the day and encourages me.
the difference doesn't just come with a group of singles. it also comes with going out with families. we aren't a normal family... sometimes i do feel like a third wheel or fifth wheel... whatever you want to call it... but it's true... A and i really don't fit anywhere. doesn't mean we don't enjoy our times with either group, but it's just reality that it's different. it doesn't hurt like it used to... but i still notice it.... wishing it wasn't that way and wonder when it could like the others. i wish i could say it's me, but with either group (either because she sees her friends with their daddies or if she's with some single uncles that were really nice to her), A will come home and tell me how she misses daddy... asks for daddy... then when the conversation ends with daddy is in heaven and won't be back... then she longs for a daddy of her own... sometimes in tears.
my friend was kind of comparing this with TCKs (third culture kids - look it up). i totally am a TCK... i'm not really all american, so when i'm with "white" americans, i'm different... i'm not totally korean, so when i'm with the "original" koreans, i'm different... same goes for this... i'm single, but really not single... i'm a family, but really not a family... you mix in both companies well... but it is still different.
i just thought i would share with you my heart as i still grieve P and his absence in our lives... but again that desire that both A and i feel of wanting to be a family again.
