memories are a funny thing...

Memories are a funny thing... they just come without any warning. It could be triggered by a color, a smell, a picture... And it could take you from now to three, five, ten years back. All of a sudden you are in the past and sometimes the exact emotions arise.

Today I was on a public transportation (the travel) back home, A sleeping on my lap. Listening to my IPod, I looked out the window into the crazy traffic when we went past this truck that had some kind of box in the back with tags that looked like it was from the airport. This image for some reason took me to the O'hare airport the day we arrived after P's death. The memory of sitting on a picnic bench with RB talking about funeral arrangements as we waited for "cargo" - P's body- to get into the hearse. That one truck with the box in the back, took me back to the day I walked through customs with AB and A... the day A cried at baggage claims saying we had to go back to get daddy... the day I met my parents and sister, hearts shattered for their little girl... the day I met RB and TB sitting on the bench, RB sick to his stomach probably... Again driving over to the cargo area and waiting to make sure that P's body arrived safely and was going to a safe place.

This memory not only took me to the past, but then I started thinking of the visit I am getting ready for. P and I were getting ready to go back to the states when he died. The way I went back last time was definitely not the way we planned... and this past memory brought me to the present and just the unbelief that I am doing this on my own... I thought I was done with the firsts.

Memories could take us on such incredible journeys.

God has been so good to me. Through my journey through the past and into the future today because of the truck, I realized where I had been, where I have come and makes me confident of my future. Remembering His promises for me and remembering all that He's done for me.

I do not say this because I think this is the answer to all that I wrote in the previous blog, the letter to P. My heart still is heavy with my birthday coming up. I thought of how I was planning P's 30th with us planning to go to the states, wanting to make the most of it. If we were in the states for his birthday, I wanted to throw this huge party, but if not, I wanted to ask RB to come for a week or two... Makes me sad that it never happened. I know that we should not live in the past and the what could have beens, but I guess it's just what it is because of the time of year.

Today on the ride as I thought of all these different things, I prayed that my heart would not be so sad... that the Lord would deliver me from this and I could enjoy my birthday and week with friends who want to shower me with love. As I prayed this, I remembered how the Lord has been so good to allow me to, through these past years, to grieve in a healthy way and also let me take the next step in a healthy joyful way... And as I remembered this, I knew that this too was a season of grieving again and trust that the Lord will help me through even this.

I am sitting here on my couch after a three and a half hour ride back home, next to my daughter who loves to do homeschool (workbook pages), writing my thoughts...

My God is good... He is faithful and though at times it just seems so hard to look past my grief and sorrow, He continues to show me His face and gives me the privilege to reflect His face to others. I Love you Jesus.

Honesty... Vulnerability

I was reminded by a friend how open I used to be. It's kind of funny... I sometimes feel that people would be tired of hearing about me and how I feel and how I'm doing... I'm learning that it's always going to be with me... no matter what... this pain, this triumph, this story...

So last night... I wrote a letter to P ... and thought I would share it... the thing is... it's not over and I don't think it ever will be... and for a while I thought that if I stopped thinking about it, stopped blogging about it... it would not exist... but I know that's not true, so I'm not going to stop...

My dear P…

One more week and I enter into a life that you never had… the 30s. Why me and not you? I’m sure people think I’m sad because I’m turning 30, but it’s not… I’m sad you aren’t here to make it fun… I’m sad because… I'm passing 29... and you were just 29... I'm sad because... Well I was hoping even though you were gone, the Lord would hear my one desire of not wanting to be alone on my 30^th birthday… And here I am, just me… sitting on a couch, watching a love story, in tears thinking of the what could have beens again and desiring a totally awesome present from God for my 30^th.

I remember when you cried at my birthday stories. I remember how you tried to make my birthdays so special. I remember we would start at least a month earlier, sometimes earlier. I remember how you always made me think that I was the best thing ever…

I miss you… The thing is daily I miss you… but I’m so busy with life and I don’t want to get soft or off track or weak… I want to stay tough… You know get life going each day and raising our daughter…

P… I’m not sure if you could hear everything and if you even know what goes on around here. I don’t know how all this works… missing you and still ever so badly wanting a new person in my life. I want to be married again… be intimate with someone… and I’m not just talking physically… I’m talking about all the deep dark secrets and you know really trusting someone. Someone to raise A with… someone to share a chocolate cake with… someone to make decisions with … someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with… someone to deal with the water and elpiji stuff… someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me how wonderful I am… P… I don’t like being alone. And I feel it so much… I hate you for making me do this all alone… I hate you for leaving me… sometimes I wish I wasn’t here… that I was with you and I only live because I have to… for A. Sometimes I just want to lie in bed and stay there… but I get up to the voice of a little girl that tells me I need to make her milk because it only tastes good when I make it… And that’s why I breath sometimes… even though my most inner self just wants to crawl up in a ball and cry…

Cry because other people are going out on dates…. Cry because others are getting engaged and married… cry because I just don’t want this life. Cry because… well… I have a line with 30 circles across my living room and I love it, but one part of me just wants to scream because well… I’m turning 30 without you. And then I get mad because you are up there enjoying yourself and not even asking God to send me someone to help me… mad because if you really loved me, you would be praying extra hard up there for me and A to have someone to help us… But instead you’re just up there enjoying yourself… and I just want to yell… why do you get the better end of the deal? Why when we said, “til death do us part…” did it happen to me? I just don’t understand and I just want you to make it all better…

I’m so frustrated… P… What happened? I mean… in my mind we were going to live this great life together serving the Lord and just enjoy… be happy… be P and E… But now I’m starting to think who’s name is E going to be next to now? I wonder how I’m going to meet this person… I think of how we met for the first time in 2003… when you walked into my classroom and my heart like knew you were going to be the one. I knew… and as time went on… it only became more solid… I so desire to feel that way again… I’ve gotten glimpses of it but P… my heart breaks because I am so scared to be rejected… I’m so scared that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life… I’m so scared that no one will think of me the way you did and I’m just going to be this widow that everyone could rely on, but no one wants… And I really thought because you and I had it so good that you would get up there and just make things happen with your conversations with Christ… and the more I wait the more I’m realizing that it’s just not going to happen so fast… and I’m sad.

My heart is heavy… and the thing is, I’m still grieving and I’ll still have grieving days, months and years from now… when I turn 30… when I go on my first real time in the states (like now as I prepare to leave... I think of how we were preparing before you went to be with the Lord)… when I’m back in the states… when A turns five… when I start dating… when I get married… I can’t get away from you… as much as I want to hide from you, I can’t… you’re there and always will be and whenever I do the big things in life you’ll be there and sometimes even in the small things… like when I make bread and gravy for A… I’ll think of you and grieve that you are not making it for A. And you totally stink for making me do this all by myself and on top of that just making me do it for so long. Don’t you think two years were enough… I mean come on… I leave you for one weekend and you were a mess not knowing what to do with A’s hair and if her outfit matched… but then you leave me here for so long…. P… I don’t want to do this anymore… I want to go on vacation and enjoy it as a family… I want A to enjoy being on a man’s shoulder that's her own…

I don’t say these things… I feel I’m not being strong enough… not saying that God is enough… and so I try not to think about it as much, but it’s on my mind all the time. I try not to think about it… but your absence is so pronounced day by day… how could I not think about how you are gone and then go into the… how I long for someone else? Please P… you're gone forever... won't you put in a good word for us?

P… I wish I could talk to you. You don’t show up in my dreams… maybe like three times you showed up in my dreams...

I love you and miss you… A misses you too… a lot!!! She needs her daddy… and every night she thanks Jesus for Mommy, A, Jesus and Daddy, then she prays for a new daddy that is silly, fun and love Jesus, Mommy and A.

Put in a good word for us would you… you’re right there. I'm tired...

Your Es

In Process

Tomorrow we will leave to the capital city to over night because Monday morning we have an appointment at the embassy to get A's passport renewed. Please pray that the expedited process will go through and by the end of this week our visa process will be on it's way which then allows us to go to the states. We're shooting for mid October... Please pray that all will go smoothly. Thank you.

Praise the Lord

About a year ago, I blogged about a friend here who lost her baby the week I arrived. It was a sad story and I'll give a brief summary...

N was 7 months pregnant and had high blood pressure. She was put into the hospital to control her pressures, but after about 5 days nothing changed so the doctors did a C-section. She had a little girl, who did not live but several hours. Family not wanting to distress a mother who had already gone through so much, did not tell N about the passing of her baby and the family went ahead and buried the baby. (It is custom here to bury the dead before the following call to prayer.) Four days later as she was being discharged, she inquired about her baby... You could only imagine the heartbreak.

I've prayed with her and talked to her a lot of this loss through the next few months and some times we would just cry together.

Praise God!!! She gave birth to another little girl on August 4th. We went to see her when JM (red) was here. What a blessing!!! She is not yet a believer, but I pray she will come to know the Lord some day. N's baby was prayed in the Name of Jesus Christ many times. Please continue to pray for them.

**This month is the month of fasting... Ramadan. Please pray for those who do not know Christ yet!!!

Love Language

I haven't been able to blog for a while, so I have a lot of thoughts I would like to just get out there, hence the two blog entries in one day.

I'm not sure if you have read the Gary Chapman book "The Five Love Languages". I haven't read it in such a long time... but my love language in giving is gifts and words of affirmation and acts of service... I really enjoy getting gifts for people, especially ones that I know the person would love, and I love writing notes (I just wish I had more time to actually sit down and write them) plus I like doing things for people when I can (again I'd do it more often if I could). Oh the five love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time and acts of service. My love language for receiving is FUN... I love all of them, but there has to be some fun that goes with it... Example...

1. Physical touch... P and I would wrestle and I loved it... got my physical touch in, but we were having fun.

2. Words of affirmation... P would write me little notes on our bathroom mirror with dry erase marker that were encouraging...

3. Gifts... P would hide them and have like a treasure hunt.

4. Quality Time... I like when we are having fun while enjoying each other...

5. Acts of Service... Let's see... P would change A's diaper and write a note on her bottom so next time when I went to change it, there would be a note for me.

So why am I talking about love language. Few months ago, I was with some people discussing God's love language. It doesn't fit Gary Chapman's list of love languages.... We were reading from John 14:15... "If you love me, you will obey what I command." God's love language we concluded was OBEDIENCE.

This came up again this past week and I was compelled to write about it...

Having had experience in relationships with family, friends, husband, child.... I have learned how important it is to know their love language... My friend TB is learning my love language of physical touch in a fun way by slapping my bottom (what I used to do with friends in high school). I've learned if I'm not speaking their love language they are not feeling loved. So if my friend feels loved when someone does an act of service and I'm not giving that to her, then she doesn't feel loved by me... doesn't matter how much I shower her with gifts... Same goes for husband and wife... P was a physical touch person and words of affirmation... If I deprived him of either of those, I wasn't being a loving wife...

So how are we doing with showing our love to our Savior... If you love me, you will obey what I command. Just as we can't keep telling people that we love them, but we are not hearing them enough to even know what they need... We cannot continue to say we love Jesus yet ignore His commands.

Today A and I went on a date and we were talking about her attitude... been having some whining issues and she says, "Mom I'm going to obey. Tomorrow Mom I'm going to obey." I had to explain to her I don't want her to obey me because I told her to, but I want her to obey me because she loves Jesus... God is the one who entrusted her to me and in the Bible it says, "Children obey your parents" and I remind of that often.

Our obedience should be an overflow of our love for Christ. In every little thing... every single little thing... I am in shock at myself at the end of the day sometimes and just kick myself in the butt... why did I not ask the Lord to lead me in that conversation? Why did I choose to ignore God prompting in praying for the girl at the photo store? Why did I not ask God if I should have taken the car today? - I mean how many opportunities did I miss by taking the car this time? Every little thing... and what I mentioned were not so little...

My expression of love for P was just never ending... I wanted so bad for him to know how much I loved him... In the beginning, I was never tired... I talked to him on the phone even though he woke me up (I was an early to bed back then). I made him lunch as I made mine... I wrote little notes for him and put it in the lunch bags... after we were married, I would hide little notes in his jacket, closet, shoe.... name it there was a little note from me saying how much he means to me and how much I love him...

I am embarrassed to say how much I lack in my expression of Love toward my Lord and Savior. His love language is OBEDIENCE... and I have failed to obey in all that He has commanded... I know I am human... but compared to what He has done for me... what I have done pales in comparison.

I don't even think OBEDIENCE is enough... When I ask A to do something... like put your dishes in the sink... I'm not satisfied with her doing it an hour later... even five minutes is not satisfactory for me... I expect an IMMEDIATE OBEDIENCE from her. I ask, she does... If that's what I expect that from my daughter... How much more do you think our Father in heaven expects that from us... Go to India... Yes Lord... Go to inner city Philly... Yes Lord... Go across the street... Yes Lord.... Give $500... Yes Lord... Share with George... Yes Lord...

How many of us, I'm guilty as charged also, hear the command and say... can I do this first Lord? or I'll go in 5 years... or even have the audacity to say ummm maybe next time God, why don't you send Jane over there... she's just so good at what you want me to do...

Sometimes we aren't even aware that God is knocking at our door just waiting for us to answer and hear Him... maybe for some of us He's been standing there for a while... days, weeks, months, years, decades... just waiting...

The other day I was at the photo store getting some pictures developed and I got to talking to the girl that was helping me. As we conversed, she told me how she's been married almost three years and she doesn't have a baby yet... she said she wants one so bad... and while listening, God said, "Esther pray for her"... and you know what I did... "God seriously... there are all the other workers. I can't pray..." and I didn't... and today I was there again to pick up the pictures and I gave up the opportunity again...

I not only missed an opportunity to share Christ and pray with someone, but I missed an opportunity to express my love to Christ by obeying... Will I ever get a chance to make it up? Lord willing, but that was a God ordained time and I lost it...

The thing is OBEDIENCE is not just to express our love for Christ, but there is a promise with obedience... there is peace and joy for us...

I just think... What would have happened if Moses decided not to obey.... I'm sure God would have had someone else do it, but just think... what Moses could have missed out on if he didn't obey... A's really into the movie "Prince of Egypt" lately, so we've watched it like 10 times in the past weeks... So that's why this example is forthcoming. The Israelites and Moses would have missed out at seeing God's hand at work in Egypt, at the Red Sea and all their time in the desert.

So going back to speaking God's love language... Are we as His people who love Him, speaking His love language enough?




UPDATE:
1. I went to the dentist and I'm really praying that the work she did the other day will last at least til I get to the states. I just seems to complex and I just don't want to deal with it now here...

2. I'm currently putting pictures up on facebook, so please check that out...

sarcasm = humor?

Sarcasm has become who we are... at least in my generation. I can't seem to have a decent conversation with someone in my generation without one form of sarcasm or another popping up. It's just become the norm. A simple "how are you?" is replied with "serious you don't want to know." Why have we become this generation that is not careful with our tongue?

Sarcasm is a form of joke people say, but I really think it's cutting down people... and I'm guilty of it too, but it's just down right mean.

The other day I made a mistake with a friend. I had some people over and we were all joking around, which of course sometimes goes a little too far. So I had to throw in my two sense... and I really ended up hurting someone's feelings. I had to go back that night and apologize for my remarks.

Why do we say things when we have to go back and take it back even though when we take it back, it's really not taken back? Forgiven maybe, but it can never be taken back.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me... that is FALSE.

Some comments that have been made on my behalf have scarred me... God has really worked in me to see the truth of how He sees me, but nonetheless, those words stuck with me for a long time and have played a part of who I was before truth was told. For example...

1. She's one of the guys. - seriously it was probably a compliment... I fit right in, but the person probably didn't know I was struggling with wanting to be real girly and seen as a girl... not just one of the guys. I just ended up thinking no one would ever think of me as a girl.

2. Her arm is as big as my wife's thigh. - maybe this person thought it was funny, but I went home and cried that night. I never thought I was that big and I know that I'm not that big and this person thinking he was so funny, put my self-esteem right down to the pit.

3. This is not of me, but I've heard people say in a large group, "this would be so much more fun if so and so were not here", even though that person is right there.

Now seriously, in any of these examples was the person being loving? I've said this before, but we never know what kind of status that person is in... People always thought of me as this confident girl throughout my life actually, but I was a mess throughout high school and some of college, and if those people that said the above would have been more encouraging and loving (now let me tell you it was no stranger that said this... they were pretty significant people in my life) I don't think I would have struggled so much in those times of my life.

So I now look at it... We never know where a person is... we don't know what they are really struggling with... we don't even know if something happened right before the person we meet arrives... so to say something stupid because we think it's funny, well... i have to say that's not loving.

How much heartache, counseling, and low self-esteem could be avoided if we could just be loving with our words.

I'm not saying this of all people in my generation, but I see it a lot... facebook, e-mails, face-to-face interactions. Not only that but in what we choose to watch... all our sarcasm, demeanor... it's in the shows, movies, we watch. I mean... again, I'm guilty of this too, but we laugh hysterically at how the shows portray homosexuals... we just laugh and laugh and even repeat the humor/sarcastic remarks made during that show... it become the thing to say... but really... come on people we are all supposed to be about love.... accepting... thinking before we say something...

So as I close this... I just want to say... I am convicted to guard my tongue... I want my tongue to be about praising God, uplifting people, edifying things... Please pray for me as I am challenged to do this exact thing... It's a challenge, like I said with it being all around, but I pray I will be more like Christ as I let Him take control of my thoughts and tongue.

update

JM, A, JM and me at the tea shop

me and A at disney

A and her new little brother, who is actually totally in love with her

So... I realize that I've been out of touch for like forever, I apologize. My internet is having issues again and so I either have to just check my internet when I'm at work or come to my friends' house like now and hack into their internet.

The Lord is gracious and good.... That's what I have been feeling more and more in my life with the different people coming in and out of my life blessing in so many different aspects in life. I am just grateful for God's constant provision in my life...

I was a little unwilling to celebrate my 30th birthday... I was depressed at the thought of turning 30 and in a totally different circumstance than I would have ever imagined it to be. But this past weekend that changed. JM (Red) left a little something for me... a line of numbers 1-30 which we hung in the middle of my living room. CI's job now is to give me "a piece of love" every day from different people... so my daughter gave me a beautiful card... my sister sent me 30 things she loves about me... a friend sent 30 bible verses from the NT and then 30 verses from the OT of encouragement... i've gotten 30 oreo cookies and today i got a picture of my beautiful legs... :) The first night I kept looking at the line and I was ready to turn 30... It's not exactly how I pictured it, but the Lord has blessed me and I couldn't have asked for a better alternative. So many who love us and look after us!! What a blessing.

So all in all... I'll be turning 30 soon and I'm actually looking forward to the day!!

**I am hoping to get internet tomorrow... yeah**

Please pray for...

1. I have been having constant crown issues. I have had my crown put in three times because three times it fell out. It has been very discouraging. My FIL (who is a dentist) says I need to keep it covered... so tomorrow I will go and put the crown back on and I'm really praying that it will stay on til I go to the states in October.

2. Process for us to go to states... A needs to get her passport renewed (which has been a discouraging process for me. I went to get it done a couple weekends ago and they told me I needed P's death certificate... kind of felt like a nightmare that never ends...). After her passport is renewed, we need to get our visa renewed, buy tickets (praying for the cheapest flights out there), and packing... Please pray everything will go smoothly.

3. Wanting to make good connections with people before we leave... Pray for that... Jesus will be known in all relationships!!

4. Continued clarity in our future!!!