Thinking of you...

Tonight as I get ready to go to bed, I put up pictures of my friends that I miss dearly. I miss talking to you girls and want to sit down somewhere and talk. I love you and miss you so!! I don't have pictures of everyone, but all of you who are on the other side of the world, even though I am truly enjoying spending my holidays here with friends and family... I miss my family there!!!

32

as i snuggle into bed in my footie pjs, i can't help but think how tomorrow would have been P's 32nd birthday. tonight as JM and i talked, i was reminded of P's first birthday we celebrated together. it was his 26th. i got him two remote control cars. i'm a pretty competitive person, so i thought it would be fun for us to have so we could race each other after we got married (which was going to be two months later). that night was really funny because i challenged him to a race as soon as he opened it, but as we lined up the cars, we realized there were no batteries. so sad...

it's crazy how time just keeps going and somehow subconsciously my brain must have known the day was coming up even though i wasn't consciously thinking about it. so today... i was a little down and just felt like wandering around. i had to go and pick up my wallet that i had left at Target by accident then A and i just went around... we went shopping, went out to eat, went to the library, went to drop something off a friend's house, went grocery shopping... somewhere in all that, i did realize that my feelings were due to P's birthday and just feeling sad about it... called AH to talk.

i told A that we were going to make a cake for daddy's birthday and the first thing she said was, "so we could eat it." ha ha... yes and remember daddy. but yeah... i'm not sure if we'll make it out to memory park, but we'll definitely have cake... maybe we'll go out to eat lunch or dinner or both... i've got lots of stuff to do, but who knows if i'll just not care about all that and just want to bum...

P, not sure if you get to celebrate birthdays in heaven, but if you do, hope you have a good one. it'll be your third one up there, so not sure if you're 3 or 32... :) i love you and miss you tons. we're doing real good and know that you would be super proud of your girls... A and i both are so excited to see you. A is lately into saying how much more she loves you than me, so i bet that puts a smile on your face. have fun...

hate

i was reading from John 15 this morning. the first 17 verses are actually like my life verses now... just learning how to abide in Christ. in the latter verse of 5 it says, "apart from me you can do nothing." then He gives us a promise in verses 7 and 8. i really enjoy reading from God's word and learning what it means to be in Christ.

the remaining verses in that chapter and the first 4 of the next talk about what it is going to be like when we take this abiding thing seriously... we are going to be hated. sounds nice doesn't it. Jesus says because the world hated me, when you start acting like me, they are going to hate you too. doesn't sound so appealing huh?

i think of how much people hate followers of Christ... pro-abortionists, people who are against Christmas because it's religious, people who support homosexuals... it's kind of crazy... you learn all your life to stand up for what you believe in... and then you do... and people hate you. but all along Jesus knew this was going to happen and He warns us... if you read John 16:3 it says that they will do such things because they do not know Him. Hmmm... then what is our job... to tell them of Christ right?

i wish i could say that will solve the problem. the fact is the more we tell them of Christ, the more they are likely to hate us. interesting huh?

are we being hated? not that we should go around starting things to be hated, but i wonder... if we aren't being hated, are we doing our job? are we telling the message correctly?

Health

go green has been going on for a while. it actually is getting around the world... this time coming back here it's not just go green, but organic and hormones and shakes and all these health stuff. i think it's great actually... God gave us this earth, yes we should take care of it... God gave us this body, yes we should take care of it... but as i look at different people fussing over all this... i wonder... what if we started caring about our spiritual health just as much as we are caring about our physical health. people read book after book about what foods to eat, what exercise is good... but i wonder how much time are we spending in the word. people sit down and talk over and over about the benefits of this food and that food... yes this is important, but what about talking about our spiritual health?

i wish i cared about my spiritual health when i was younger. yes the Lord did end up taking a hold of my life in the end and i am so in love with Him, but i know it could have been done earlier the way He was calling out for me.

our physical health comes with our spiritual health. i was just praying today about how i want to be a healthy person, physically. i love God and the more and more i realize that i am a temple of God... i want to take care of this temple... and i think that's where our physical health really comes... when we realize what it is and love it the way the Lord does.

just a thought for today...

Sometimes

Sometimes God takes you down a path you do not like. Sometimes God takes you down a road full of pain and hurts. Sometimes God takes you to a place that's full of sorrow and grief. Sometimes God takes you to a pool of tears and you add yours. But God is always the ones that goes with you. These weeks back in the states, the Lord has taken me through paths that I did not want to go, paths that I had to deal with pain and hurts. I just keep holding on to the truth that He is with me each and every step of the way.

I remember when P and I had our first confrontation as a married couple. We each had different ways that we were used to dealing with things and some were unhealthy. He of course more mature and wise than I decided very early on that we were not going to continue those bad habits. I remember specifically after this fight, him laying the law down as the man of the house. I hated this confrontation mainly because I was not used to it.... to seriously have to deal with problems and it was painful to hear from someone you really love of the wrong you were doing. But firmly my wonderful husband lead us into new paths of a healthy relationship. It was painful and took time to establish, but we did. (So glad he did because I now desire so much to have a healthy relationship with everyone.)

That is just an example of how God had to take me down a path of something I did not like in order for P and I to have a healthy relationship...

Today I had a girls night and I had a lot of fun. As JM drove me home, we had some deep conversations. I realize how God's grace helped me in my grief. I dove right into the darkest pit to see light as soon as possible. I really feel the Lord took me down some really good healthy roads for me to see the light at the end of a dark dark tunnel... But tonight I wonder if I need to dive into life. Grieving takes some part of life and reality out, you constantly go back and forth from knowing that what happened is real to really wishing still that it wasn't or sometimes wondering if it could have been a dream. I wonder, if I have grieved healthy (which I sense I really have), is it now time to see if I'm living life healthy. I don't know if that makes sense... and I'm not sure if it really makes sense to me fully, but I do understand what I'm trying to say. The sense of "now what" after grieving has set in. (Again I am under no notion that I am done grieving. I know that this will always be a part of my life.)

So sometimes God takes us down these paths unbeknown to us how wonderful it is... I am ready to see some serious wonderful at the end of this dark dark tunnel I just walked through for so long. (That may sound like there have been no wonderfuls... there have been tons, but I hope you get what I mean.)

Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up this morning to my bro talking from the basement. Being with the P's is definitely a different experience. Family, but has it's own uniqueness... loud talking and so many extroverts. I'm an extrovert, but I get out-extroverted by 90% of the family. Crazy. It's been a good time here and the two weeks are about to end.

Today we had our Thanksgiving. You know everyone is thinking about P with A and me sitting there, but seems like acceptance has come around the table.

Foods galore at the table. Before I sat at the table, I was in my room finishing up my quiet time with the Lord and I was just overwhelmed by the thought of all the food at the table and all those that do not have... How do we balance blessing and not feeling guilty, but still give as the Lord says that we should give?

Last night I was at a gathering where I shared a little bit, but afterward a mom came to pick up her daughter and told us her plans for Thanksgiving... she was going to go to the shelter and help feed the poor. My desire is to make that tradition for A and I, maybe next year, we could give to those in need and have good food for us later.

The Lord gives and takes away... Everything we have is a gift from God. I would like to encourage us as a people of God to care more about others, that's how our heart beats with His. He is all about the poor, the orphans and the widows... Let's care for them.

Things that make you smile

The Lord is good, gracious in all that He does. His grace is sufficient for me and I find that as I am in this workshop for the week, He is full of grace.

Leading up to this week, I sensed the Lord was going to make this week great. I sat in the intro the first night and just was in awe of what the Lord was saying... He is going to do wonders.

I am excited and covet your prayers that the Lord will continue to work in my heart during this week and the hearts of those here.

As I walk around campus, I can't help but think of the time P and I were here together and I just wanted to share something. Maybe I shared this before, but I just smiled as I thought about this.

We were married a little over a year and had a two month old the first time we came here together. Now there are a lot of frogs and lizards here since it is on the southern part of the states. Anyway, I remember one night we were walking back to our room and I saw something moving near our door and I think I jumped like a foot in the air and yelled. Of course others laughed and P just shooed it away (it was a frog) then went on our way to the room. Once we got to the room, P said, "I'm really worried about you. There are going to be so many things crawling around when we move to Indonesia, are you going to be okay?" I mean genuine concern that I wasn't going to make it.

I look back now and just laugh... Nothing really gets me now... I've lived with lizards on my wall for years... cockroaches, ants, spiders, rats that are as big as my hand and forearm... and 16 months out of those years were without P. Wouldn't he be surprised at what I am doing now. I mean seriously...

So the things that make you smile...