I love Jesus because...

i love  jesus because he tacscar uv me and dide on the cros to tace uwa are sins.

a new creation

these past couple weeks, God has been planting seeds into my heart and some are growing deep roots as i spend time reflecting  and meditating on it and examining who i am in Christ.  i am a new creation in Christ... the old is gone and the new has come.  satan likes to make me think that i'm not this new creation.  not every day, but at times he likes to remind me of who i was and make me doubt myself.  during those times, i struggle to let truth sink into my heart.  but a couple weeks ago i heard of a story that made the truth of me being a new creation root deep into my heart.

a friend told me of this girl who started dating (a girl i know) and as we were talking about what kind of guy he was, she told me how this girl had a past of a true non-believer before committing her life to the Lord.  so as she started dating this guy, she began telling him that she's not who he thinks she is that she has this past... and he told her that it didn't matter because in Christ she is a new creation and the  past does not define who she is.  Christ has redeemed her.  that is mere man speaking to an equal sinner... how much more does our Savior say that to us... "I've done the work for you... it's all cleared.  you don't have to keep thinking about that and dwell and muddle in that.  be the new creation i have made you to be."

i love counseling and i love helping people in their struggles.  one area i feel that counseling could be dangerous for believers is the fact that it could let us dwell in the old and not let  us stand firm in the new.  counseling lets you go to your past and dig up all the reason why it went wrong or why you are the way you are, which i think is valuable, but the danger comes if you decide to stay there.  i like how my friend put it... she was told by an older wiser godly woman that when the spirit leads, it's good to go back to those places and have the spirit reveal what He needs to (because there could be new insight that He wants you know understand) and then come out... don't dwell there and stay longer than the spirit would have you.  we don't have to keep going there... it's the old and we are the new in Christ.

we have to hold fast to our identity in Christ.  the thing is, the world is going to ask us, "who do you think you are?" and if we don't know who we are, then we will shrivel and not stand up to the truth that Christ has made us into a new creation who has authority to speak truth, rebuke and sharpen those around us, in truth and love.  i don't mean to slap people in their face, but stand firm on who you are... we who believe in the work of Jesus Christ are God's sons and daughters.  we should not waver from that.

as i think about this... i have this new confidence of who ERP is!!  and this new creation is continually being shaped and molded and torn apart to be made into the creation God wants me to be.  i am all open for God to do this in my life!!

alpha and omega

have you ever watched a movie that you've already watched before with someone who was watching it for the first time?  i think it's the best when it's like an action movie, but love stories work this way as well.  so you're sitting there watching the movie and in the beginning it's just setting the tone and sometimes the person who is watching it for the first time will ask you questions and you just smile saying, "watch..."  then the plot starts to thicken, it's getting intense, the good guy seems like the bad guy or the couple breaks up or someone dies or a new character enters that turns the whole plot upside down and you don't know what to think.  but the thing is you know how it's going to end.  i really like watching the person get excited, sad, mad or whatever as they are trying to figure out what's going on... i just smile because i know what the end is going to be and it's going to be good.  you just want to tell them something, but you don't want to ruin it for them, so you just watch their heart clench, release and hurt as the story plot goes...

yesterday during my date with Jesus, i read isaiah 46 and a verse stuck out at me... the verse that stuck out was 10, but i'm going to write 8-10...

"Remember this and stand firm, recall it to mind, you transgressors, remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done."


declaring the end from the beginning...

i have been praying for God to open doors for me as i think of next steps.  i could see myself doing so many different things.  teaching children, moving overseas, being a stay at home mom, counseling, working with a church, being in a ministry, doing discipleship with new believers, running programs, translating, i speak three languages fluently and i know God could use that some way, etc.... and sometimes i get all flustered and feel antsy thinking about it, but as i read this verse, i felt a peace come over me.  my God... my heavenly father declared the end from the beginning.  He is God and there is no other and this God declares the end from the beginning.  it was so reassuring to know that my God knows.  this is the thing... i knew that... i tell A that all the time that God knows everything, things of old, things today and things tomorrow... but for some reason this verse spoke a different volume for me.  interesting huh??  i love it!!

so i imagined God and me on this life being like when i sit with someone who hasn't watched the movie i have watched before.  God knows the end and every time i say or ask things like, "seriously this is how it's going to end?" or "he isn't really going to be a character of this story is he?"  or "what is that person in the story for?  s/he seems so irrelevant."  God just smiles and says, "watch and see..."  sometimes He could even say, "it'll get better i promise..." or maybe even "this is just the beginning..."

the thing is this, some times i have friends who are like, "i can't believe you like that movie, it was so bad."  even though it's like a movie i really like... or "wow that's not what i expected, i'm a little disappointed."  anyway the point is... God tells us the end of our story... Jesus' return to take His people to eternity with Him in heaven... the suspense of getting there is what gets us, but does that have to get us... we know the end and it's a beautiful ending, which means that the story line in between will reflect that...

i need to remember in life when i get frustrated or just want to know... that God declared it from the beginning and that i don't have to get flustered over it... it will become clear when it's time.  it's like the verse in psalms that i enjoy... i can't remember right now where it's from, but it says that God ordained the things in our life... ordained it...

this is the food for thought that i had.

my sister's church is having a VBS this week and A has been going to that, which leaves my time before my internship pretty open.  it's been good quality time with my God.

please continue to pray for us... especially me as i do pray continually and look into options as i look into the future to see where the Lord would have me invest a season of my life.  who knows i could be here for the next 20 years of my life... in indonesia for the next 5 years of my life... in new york for the next 10 months... in school for another 4 years... no one knows, but i'm open to anything that He would have for me.  i've been praying for God to open doors for me in the direction He wants me to go and that i will have a discerning obedient heart as i take steps forward.

when are we going to work?

this is the question that i have been hearing in the morning when A gets up.  that's what she calls my internship... work...  and she loves going.  she's been a great help and is enjoying the program herself at "work".

our schedule has been so weird and this is our first full week at this that it's taking a bit to get used to.  by next week hopefully things will be good.  we go to "work" on mondays, tuesdays and thursdays.  we leave the house around 11:15 and get home anywhere from 6:30-7:30 depending on what the activity was that day.  so we've been getting to bed later and getting up later.  this week, again being the first week and having the fourth in between it's weird, but i want to get into some kind of pattern that we could actually start hanging out with people...

today during my quiet time i read psalm 105.  having just finished a class on evangelism and reading this i was reminded of what my professor said in our class... "you must rediscover the gospel every day".  i prayed that the gospel will be real in my life today...

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
     make known his deeds among the peoples!
² Sing to him, sing praises to him;
     tell of all his wondrous works!
³ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
⁴ Seek the Lord and his strength;
     seek his presence continually!
⁵ Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
    his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,
⁶ O offspring of Abraham, his servant,
    children of Jacob, his chosen ones!


we are to make his deeds known about the peoples... tell of all his wondrous works... so i share a story...


today i heard a story... Y is an adolescent who lived 12 years in a refugee camp without the chance to go to school.  Living in two different refugee camps in a country that is hostile toward his people... he told me his story.  my eyes filled with tears and my heart grew heavy.  the peoples that psalm 105 talks about that we need to make his deeds known to are right here in our midst.  they have lived a life that is unimaginable to us.  they have a story that they want to tell.  are we willing to listen and share THE STORY with them??  let us not grow lazy in telling people about Jesus!!  He is the only hope to those around us.  


a resource that i liked from my class is www.viewthestory.com  .  look through it and see if it could help you tell others about Jesus.  it has an app for your phone as well.


here are some pictures of our week at "work".

pray for these peoples!!

memos

first time in a while to sit down and have some time to write down some things that i have thought about, have been thinking about or just passed in thought...

• i am currently in a class that is on the foundations of evangelism (one day left).  i am one of three girls in a class of 23 and the only non-seminary student.  i was a little nervous going into it knowing that i was going to be with people who are theologically trained... here i am a little non-bible studied person.  but man this class is so good.  i have been stretched in thinking in ways i have never thought, i have been stretched to speak up in a class dominantly male, i have been learning so so much.  God is good!!  i have been enjoying our discussions, my professor (super funny and atypical seminary professor), my small group and the international representation in the class... korea, uk, southside chicago, rural america, turkey, big city new york, chicago, suburbia... then there is the different experiences in ministry... it has been fanning some serious passions of my heart and helping me hone in what i see myself in later in life.  i come out of that class so energized (internally because physically sitting in a class for 5 hours is pretty exhausting) and driven by the very heartbeat of Christ.

• the other day A told me that her heart was dirty and that she wanted to write a book about how Jesus makes our hearts clean.  how profound of a six year old.  i asked her what makes our hearts dirty and she said sin.  the thing is, i have never used that kind of wording with her.  i asked her where she got it from and she said she thought of it on her own.  what will God use A for??  i'm so excited to see.
• i was driving down the tollway to get A from camp a couple days ago and i saw this huge truck with different boxes of plywood.  for some reason it made me think of the crate they put P's body in... watching it from jakarta's airport lounge to amsterdam's airport lounge to chicago where we watched it get into the hearse.  it didn't really bring any kind of emotion, but just thought how there was that time in my life... made me go .... hmmmmmm
• i took a class before this one... audited it and i don't know if i said this, but i keep thinking about it...  our passions come from the brokenness in our life.  God is growing this passion in me and some of it definitely is from the brokenness of my life.  i am so excited to see what God is going to do in my life, how He is going to use me for His kingdom and where i will be 5 years from now!!!  

Please continue to pray for us!!!!  Health, sleep, passions, future, faith, obedience and hope!!!

countdown

there are times in your life where you wish you could live in a fairy tale land with bright days and sunshine, birds that sing to you while making your bed and mice that help make your dreams come true... i feel like our vacation has been a fairy tale.  away from the reals in life... away from the busyness of time... away from responsibilities...  A and i have had such a great vacation, i am truly sad that the countdown is now at a little over 12 hours.

a quick look at our vacation...

day 1:  we arrived a little after lunch, rested and headed to our water park.  it is a huge park... there is an indoor and outdoor theme park and and indoor and outdoor water park.  we went around the whole place trying random rides and slides.  then we went to dinner and to bed.

day 2: we went to downtown wisconsin dells where we walked around.  at one point we saw a police chasing a man.  the man was being chased in his car and then stopped his car and started running... i mean like booking it down the street to the building right in front of us with cops right behind him.  i wonder if there weren't so many people on the main drag if there would have been gunshots...  also on our walk we found $10 on the ground.  a special blessing.  :)  we came back to our hotel for a quick lunch and headed to the water parks again.  now if you know me a little, then you would know that i'm seriously scared of roller coasters... so big water slides do about the same thing to me... but what do you do when you have a 6 year old... have to play tough for her sake so she could try the fun stuff right??  so we went on a really scary drop water slide... i had a blast.  i wanted to go on it again, but A was scared.  :)  it was so much fun!!  we went on a lot of other water slides and i think because i know that in the end i'll get wet, it makes it better than a roller coaster that just scares you the whole way.  :)  so we had a ton of fun!!

day 3 (today):  we slept in and went to the water park as it opened.  we went on rides, water slides, went into the wave pool, ate lunch, hopped on the lazy river, wave pool, water slides... we spent like 6 hours at the parks... then we came back to the hotel, took a shower and headed out to dinner.  the disney channel was having a movie at 8 that A wanted to watch so we came to watch that and now she's in bed and i'm packing up to leave.

i enjoy vacations and i feel like we haven't had one like this in a long time, but i realized some things on this trip...

1. A and i love each other like crazy, we have so much fun together and she is a joy to be around.  she would say something crazy and i would start laughing and she would be so proud of herself.  or i would tell her something and she would give me this look that makes me laugh and we just bust out laughing.  she would tell me that i'm miss scaredy pants and i'd dare her to do it and there she goes...  usually after asking for something... like an ice cream afterward.  :)  i would do it too, but that was a way to get her to do the scary stuff.  :)
2. i carry around this fear that i am going to ruin A's life... but i realized that i am a good mom.  not just because we came on this trip, but seeing what a wonderful daughter i have and seeing how she is growing encourages me... i must be doing something right, but on top of that, i got several e-mails, texts and phone calls from people who told me that i am doing a good job with her.  makes me a little confident.
3. we miss P.  
4. A's roots run deep in indonesia.  the whole trip, she kept comparing it to our vacations in indonesia. i know it's because that's where most of our vacations have been, but she would talk about the beach we used to go to or the water park in indonesia.  A loves that place.  she started this bucket after watching the movie "up".  the bucket is to save up for a trip to indonesia.  she wants to go and visit, so started up a fund for it.  when the bucket is full, hopefully we will have enough to go see her roots.
5. i have a lot of work to do when i get home.  :)

this was a fantastic vacation.  i praise God for helping me give myself permission to come on this trip.  it was a struggle for me to allow myself to do this, but God used a few people to talk me into it.  i'm glad He did.  A and i are making tons of memories!!!  i love it!!  thank you God for your goodness during these four years... four years ago on this date, i took heavy, stomach churning steps to our house with eyes full of tears... first time after P's death... to start packing what we needed to bring back to the states and separating what i wanted others to bring later on and what could be thrown away... after a blow to the stomach it seemed impossible to know what to do, but we got it done... tomorrow's date is when we flew back to the states...  i know it's been four years, but that week alone felt like four years... 

it's crazy how i started talking about this great vacation we are having and then... just like that, i go back to these real vivid days of horror, shock, numbness, fear, sadness, grief, unbelief... not many i guess at the age of 27, loses their husband, their home, life, work, future all in a matter of days.  one day you are celebrating the return of your husband who has been gone for a month on what happens to be father's day the next you are preparing a funeral for one in country and one in the states.  phone call after phone call to arrange something from so far away... decisions you have to make...  it seems so crazy.  i still so much appreciate AB (from indo side) and RB (from state side) for walking me through those days.  i mean for what they were going through as well... they really made it easy for me to do what i had to do.  i am amazed at all that so many people had to do to make it possible for us to leave the country with P's body in a matter of four days after his death and to receive us on the other end.  so crazy...  but here we are four years later... A graduated from kindergarten with two front teeth missing, reading bible stories on her own for her quiet time... me finished with my first year of grad school, have all my teeth and pressing hard into God's word to obey what He has for us.  we've come a long way!!  thank you Jesus!!!

thanks for continually praying for us and loving on us!!

cheesehead!!

this is A's favorite ride.

on the go karts.  it was so much fun!!

1460

1460 days equals four years.  i told A that we were going on vacation to celebrate God's goodness to us through these four years since daddy's been gone.  this morning as soon as she woke up, she ran to my room and yelled, "wisconsin dells".  she has heard about this place so much from others that she was totally psyched to come.  we left mid  morning and drove here.

during our drive, A watched movies, colored and listened to stories on the ipod...  while she was doing that, i found myself crying.  for some reason i kept remembering P's last words to me on the phone before he went on the ventilator.... "I'm doing this so I could come home sooner..."  it was so vivid... AB's phone call came at around 11 and i called for my helper to watch A as i went into the study to hear what was going on at the hospital.  AB explained what the doctors had said and then put P on the phone so we could talk before they sedated him for the ventilator.  i cried our whole conversation... i wish i was stronger... this was his first time in the hospital so far away from the known medical system and it involved some serious procedures... all i did was cry and instead of me saying things to get him through what he was probably scared of, he was on the other end telling me everything was going to be okay and he would be home soon... that we would be going back to the states soon... this had to be done so he could get better soon and be with his girls that he had to be away from for a month already.

sometimes you just wish you knew what was going to happen so you don't regret anything... on my drive i remembered going to the store to pick up some pj pants for P to be in while he was in the hospital since i knew they don't give you anything to wear.  i wished today that i didn't waste time doing that and spent more time next to his bed and let him listen to my voice a little more before going.

1460 days... sounds so long and i find myself feeling like it's been centuries since this happened, yet 4 years doesn't sound so long... and i find myself feeling like it has only been 4 years.  so many things can go through your head as you reflect, remember and refresh your body on a day that brings so much emotion...  today is a memory of a horrific tragic day for me... yet i also am thankful at how God has brought me to where I am.

we got to the dells a little past lunch and rested a little before heading to the water park connected to our hotel.  it was so crowded, but we had so much fun!!  i love A's age.  she's now tall enough to do so much and is so brave that i can do so much more with her.  we laughed a lot as we went on  the awesome water slides and talked about how it made us feel (A said she had butterflies in her tummy on some of the rides).  we relaxed on the lazy river...  there were times where we talked about missing daddy and indonesia, but it was all good in the midst of the fun we were having.  i told her that i liked having fun today because daddy was a fun guy and he loved doing fun things with us... so he's probably really glad we are enjoying ourselves!!

we didn't get to our hotel until really close to 10 tonight... we went to eat and then went around for a while...  A fell right to sleep... and i am spending some time reflecting as i blog...

this is a picture i wanted to share.  on wednesday as i was sleeping, A asked if she could watch a veggie tales, i told her she could and then before i know it, she brings me this picture.  she was going to stay with her auntie B because i had to go to my internship orientation and she wanted to make something for her aunt so she went to the extras on the DVD and did the "how to draw" section and drew and colored this for auntie B as a thank you for taking care of her.  i don't know about you, but i think for a 6 year old this is pretty darn good considering it was free hand by following the directions.  as i look at this, i know that she is her daddy's daughter.  i can draw a little bit, but nothing like this.  i am amazed by her.

as i think about what this day means to me... all i can say is that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day... if i could avoid ever experiencing a day like that again, i would.  BUT... this day also means the journey into the abyss that was overcome by light as i let my Father lead me through it.  it's this crazy balance dance... as i said before i do this balancing act between hope and obedience... this crazy balance dance is mourning and grieving, but also rejoicing and being thankful.  

i am exhausted by all that this day brings to me.  off to bed i go.  

i am so thankful for prayers, texts, e-mails and fb messages from many.  grateful for all of you and please continue to pray for us.  we are here til tuesday.  

God is good... all the time!