in exactly one week, i will be on a plane. in exactly two weeks, it will have been a year. can you believe it?
i've been spending some time reflecting, and right now instead of cleaning the house, i am sitting at this computer. tired of cleaning and sorting and throwing things away.
last night i was in bed remembering the night of the 16th and although i wasn't really there, i could feel all those emotions rushing back. it was a little overwhelming. my counselor says that it really just kind of stays with you. of course it gets better and it has a lot, but... i heard someone once say it's like a getting a wound and then later you see the scar ... it doesn't hurt so much, but it's a reminder of what happened. so here i am with this huge scar in my heart... a great reminder of a wondeful prerson in my life, but even a greater reminder of my GOOD GOD.
i got to thinking of those last days before coming back to the states. i remember talking to AB, KP, CB and JP about gargling salt. by the like second day my throat was hurting and i remember getting into the conversation of whether it really worked or not... P didn't think so, i did...
as i was packing, cleaning, sorting, tossing, yelling, dancing and singing last night with a few girlfriends (by the way girls, i love you!!!), i remembered the day i went to pack up my house after P died. i'm overwhelmed packing up this house, that is all furnished and barely any of my stuff, i couldn't remember how i did it then. KP, JA how did we do it? ugh... i just remember the heavy steps to my house and spending about 8 hours clearing everything out... wow... that was just about a year ago... can you believe it?
you remember crazy things and some will never go away. i've been to many airports this year, more than i ever did up til this year... and every time i'm at the airport and see cargo cars, i get a heavy feeling in my pit (it actually got better over time, but still could feel something)... have you ever had your husband referred to as cargo? it's not a good feeling.
there are a lot more, but in all this i have to say that God is so worth it. He has been so good and faithful this year... i've seen Him so real in my life... He's been so personal to me... and yes this all sucks... the packing, the airports, the ICU's, whatever... but God is good... and He is worth it all.... so worth it all. (you're right SC, no other word could take "so")
life here on earth is so temporary. there is eternity waiting for us... not just any eternity, but a heavenly eternity... and lots of people describe so many things on this earth as heavenly (like a massage), but think of it as that but sooo much more. i mean incomprehensible amount more. so why waste time on ourselves on this temporary earth... this temporary satisfaction, when we could obey and do what the Lord wants us to do, i mean we were created to glorify Him... that's the purpose of why He breathed life into us... give life our all and spend eternity enjoying the comforts that far exceeds here, isn't that better? - that's eternal satisfaction.
the thing is this, if we are not doing what the Lord has for us, we aren't just not glorifying Him, but we are letting Satan rule our lives. we are allowing Satan have some hold on our lives. we are at war people. people have been talking about wars in the middle east and africa for a while now, but we need to focus on the spiritual war that is going on in this world around us. we cannot be blind to what Satan has a stronghold of on us or the people around us. we need to stand up, bathe ourselves in truth (quote from KS) and fight. not fighting with people, but with Satan.
spiritual war is going on all over, not just here in the states, but all over the world. i was telling some people, that when USA goes to war and people fall in battle, the country just keeps sending more, no matter the cause, and then if it comes to the point of drafting they draft people... look there are people out there fighting for the faith... not with guns, but spiritually with the word... going into dark places to put some light in there... and if one falls, there should be more people being sent... but there aren't, what a shame... the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. there are people going to hell out there, if not across the ocean, across the street, across the office, across the room. to speak truth and give light into their lives is what we as followers of Christ are to do.
people have told me what an amazing woman i am, how they think i'm so brave... dude if it was me, i wouldn't be where i am. i'm where i am now by God's goodness and faithfulness. He's good and has so graciously took me through each step of this process... and again if it were me, i'd probably still be in bed, scared and depressed, lonely and hopeless... it's all God!!! praise Him for His goodness in my life and in your lives.
if i had to close this chapter in my life today, i would want to say, "Jesus is so worth it. It's such a sweet and joyful journey to obey... don't you want to do that for Christ?"
please pray...
* spiritual readiness
* health (A has a little runny nose and was warm today... my throat has been scratchy, don't want to be sick before we leave nor during travels)
* emotionally as we say good-byes
* sleep (even if it's just an hour that it would feel like a whole night's sleep)
NOTE: i posted this about an hour ago and then got to thinking... i don't think that all people are called to go overseas, but i do think that we, as the people of God are called to obey the Lord in what He has for us. so if it's not to go overseas, that's fine, but if it is, awesome. if you haven't thought about it, start praying about it... again, great joy in obeying the Lord.
