for a few days the weather here has been great. beautiful sun and warmth.... that's just great. a few days ago i went out to find NC washing my car. i was like what are you doing? he just looked and smiled... my car looks so good. thanks NC. i like driving a clean car in this beautiful weather!!!
i'm leaving for a trip today and will be back sunday. please pray for safe travels.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
intense times
this week has been hard with A turning three. my world came crashing down last night as the last celebration of her birthday ended. i just couldn't believe he was gone yet again and i found myself asking the same questions of why. it will never be as hard as the first several months, but it was tough. i cried and talked to a friend for like an hour...
today after dropping A off at pre-school (by the way, she did so well), i went to make some copies and ended up talking to a friend for an hour and crying. then i came home just to find myself wanting to watch the memorial service from indonesia. so i sat down and looked at the pictures first... that was intense. this was my first time watching it again... i want to ask those of you who were there... how did we do it? really God poured out so much grace over all of us to have gone through that and still have that service. P would have been dancing that day in heaven with Jesus being the center of the service and not him. it was really good... so hard to watch, but good. again just realizing how far i've come and seeing God's hand at work during that time.
KP thanks for walking me through that... letting me cry in the shower and taking care of A in the midst of your sorrow. thanks for standing beside me and handing me tissues... thank you so much for all that you did!!!
JP thanks for your encouraging words that day... made me cry all over again. you had so many sleepless nights and running around for us to come to the states. thanks for your care and all that time you took in making everything right.
Pak Y thanks for being our leader. you were like a brother to P and i. we really enjoyed going to your house every week. thanks for sharing that day of how much you loved us...
CC thanks for doing all the tedious little runs to the house and all the things i learned you did months later. P loved you so much and loved the time you had together... we really enjoyed having you over for meals. and yes A does like you.
MM thanks for watching the kids through those days. you weren't expecting that, but you did a great job!!!
small group thanks for making it a beautiful day with the flowers and food. you guys are the best.
teachers thank you for all you did. taking time off of teaching to come be with me. you all did so much for the paperwork process too and i just never thanked you. you all are amazing.
AB... thank you kang for all that you did. as i watched the video i just thought... wow this really all did happen. i am so glad that you spoke that day, as a friend, mentor, brother... you were phenomenal. the words you spoke were powerful. P loved you so much. we always looked forward to having time with you guys. i'm pretty sure he's waiting for a match of mandi tennis.
oh and K... thanks for getting things for A for the plane. that saved us a great deal during the almost 30 hours of travel.
i am so thankful to have so many different people in our lives. thank you all...
i am also thankful for TB. she told me a while back, way before P went to be with the Lord, she told me to pray that every time you fall (or go through something), pray that God will make the time you recover faster. i'm thankful for that wisdom from dear TB because i feel that now... i fall, but i feel it being less painful and it doesn't take weeks or days to recover.
i do think it will be hard for a few days, but again it is so much better each time around.
today after dropping A off at pre-school (by the way, she did so well), i went to make some copies and ended up talking to a friend for an hour and crying. then i came home just to find myself wanting to watch the memorial service from indonesia. so i sat down and looked at the pictures first... that was intense. this was my first time watching it again... i want to ask those of you who were there... how did we do it? really God poured out so much grace over all of us to have gone through that and still have that service. P would have been dancing that day in heaven with Jesus being the center of the service and not him. it was really good... so hard to watch, but good. again just realizing how far i've come and seeing God's hand at work during that time.
KP thanks for walking me through that... letting me cry in the shower and taking care of A in the midst of your sorrow. thanks for standing beside me and handing me tissues... thank you so much for all that you did!!!
JP thanks for your encouraging words that day... made me cry all over again. you had so many sleepless nights and running around for us to come to the states. thanks for your care and all that time you took in making everything right.
Pak Y thanks for being our leader. you were like a brother to P and i. we really enjoyed going to your house every week. thanks for sharing that day of how much you loved us...
CC thanks for doing all the tedious little runs to the house and all the things i learned you did months later. P loved you so much and loved the time you had together... we really enjoyed having you over for meals. and yes A does like you.
MM thanks for watching the kids through those days. you weren't expecting that, but you did a great job!!!
small group thanks for making it a beautiful day with the flowers and food. you guys are the best.
teachers thank you for all you did. taking time off of teaching to come be with me. you all did so much for the paperwork process too and i just never thanked you. you all are amazing.
AB... thank you kang for all that you did. as i watched the video i just thought... wow this really all did happen. i am so glad that you spoke that day, as a friend, mentor, brother... you were phenomenal. the words you spoke were powerful. P loved you so much. we always looked forward to having time with you guys. i'm pretty sure he's waiting for a match of mandi tennis.
oh and K... thanks for getting things for A for the plane. that saved us a great deal during the almost 30 hours of travel.
i am so thankful to have so many different people in our lives. thank you all...
i am also thankful for TB. she told me a while back, way before P went to be with the Lord, she told me to pray that every time you fall (or go through something), pray that God will make the time you recover faster. i'm thankful for that wisdom from dear TB because i feel that now... i fall, but i feel it being less painful and it doesn't take weeks or days to recover.
i do think it will be hard for a few days, but again it is so much better each time around.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
3 years old
A turned three yesterday.
tuesday night as i put her to bed, we prayed as we always do. she started praying about her birthday and i echoed it, but then couldn't stop crying. this is not how her third birthday was supposed to be. and again i feel the loss of my dear P. we always made birthdays a big thing... i tried to as much as i could, but in the midst of my sadness... it was hard. the prayer tuesday night was from the deepest part of my heart... asking the Lord to guide her every step and walk her through her dark days that are to come, for everyone has dark days.
that night as i was online, i got to talk to a friend. when i told him it was A's birthday, he told me how he remembered texting P on A's birthday last year and we were at the park with all her friends having a party. as i remembered that i was sad. it was such a fun day.
wednesday i was awaken with, "today my birthday mommy". when i told her yes... she was so excited. we woke up and got ready for her day of excitement. we were supposed to go to an indoor swimming resort, but it was closed on tuesdays and wednesdays, so last minute plans took us to the aquarium. my baby... already 3.
sunday night we went to A's friend's birthday party and during the opening of presents, A says, "i just don't understand why i don't get any" and buries her face into my lap. i laughed so hard. i couldn't believe that she said that.
so after the aquarium on wednesday we went to mcdonalds to have lunch and play at the play land. then went home for naps. in the evening we met my sister, eemo, for dinner and had a little party. that night... A started cubbies!! uh my baby is all grown up. she even memorized the verse for the night... "love your neighbor as yourself" or as A says it, "love your neighbor as your house".
i thank the Lord for giving me strength every morning to get up and have hope in what He has in store for me... even through the hard days...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
far away
God brings so many different people in your life in various seasons of your life and sometimes you just can't always be together. although they have been there for you, when you can't be there for them, it makes life a little sad. my friends that are far away had a baby. i wish i was there at least to say in person congrats and give them a big hug and the baby a big kiss. i miss you guys (RS & ZS) and CONGRATS!!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
cicak
i was just checking some e-mail and going on facebook when i actually thought that the house was missing something. and i realized that i was hoping to see a cicak. cicaks are little lizards that are in and around the house. i can't believe that i miss it. i really enjoyed watching them run around. i have to admit the first few months in indonesia i was like so freaked out by them. but they are harmless. i remember one night P and i were watching a movie in our living room, and a big cicak came running around. then a little one came out from somewhere. then the big one started chasing the other one and the big one caught the little one and ate it up. i started crying and covered my face in P's shirt. he was so enamored by it, kept telling me to look. i couldn't, but the bad thing was i could hear it. anyway... i thought of how i would really like to just see one crawl across my wall as i sit here. funny.
A's first day
A started pre-school today. i was so nervous about it. i kept second-guessing myself, was i doing the right thing? we walked up to the school and a little girl remembered A from when we went to visit last week. that made me feel better, don't know why, but it did. when we got in, a girl from our church was dropping off her brother. it was great that she was there because then A felt a lot more comfortable. i gave her a big kiss and hug, she looked a little unsure, so my tears went away (couldn't cry in front of her). she didn't cry. she's a big girl and will turn three in two days. i can't believe it.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
milestones and missing P
i've been noticing how much A is growing. just in all aspects she is such a little girl now and not a baby or toddler. she talks so much, thinks about things, sings a lot and is so tall.
the other day i was in tears. i was working at my desk and she was playing behind me in her little area. i then hear her say, "God..." so i knew i should listen. she said this prayer, "God be with mommy... help her be patient..." and went on. it's kind of funny because that's when i pray for myself to her on days we are not getting along. she was praying for like two minutes for me. at one point she said, "and when it's mommy's turn to go to heaven she see daddy and Jesus and angels and Mary..." i cried so hard with my back turned to her so she didn't know i was listening. what a sweet little girl. you should hear her when she belts out "mighty to save".
today we went to a A's friends birthday party and on the way home she was talking about Jesus. i told her that she had to believe in Jesus and that if she didn't she would not go to heaven. i didn't say it to scare her, but that is the truth. then she asked "why?" a typical 2 year old question, but i took that opportunity and explained how God loved us so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us that we could be free from sin. I told her that three days later Jesus rose from the dead and because of that we will go to heaven after we die and see Him there. then she asked "why?" again. i said it's because God loved us. she again asked "why?" i just kept explaining... in the end when i asked if she believed in Jesus, she said no, but i am so glad she is asking those questions. it's kind of funny because some days she'll say yes in believing in Jesus others no, but she knows that He's the only way into heaven. if you ask her how you get to heaven, she'll tell you Jesus. no doubt.
about a week or so ago i noticed that when i sit on the floor, A is taller than me. i actually have to look up at her. on sunday we are having a joint birthday party for her and her friend. they took a picture together and i couldn't believe that A is like a whole half head taller than her.
tonight i put together her book bag with school supplies (which is extra clothes) and her lunch. i can't believe that tomorrow will be her first day of pre-school. the other night i cried thinking of how much she's grown in the past seven months. she is just so mature. i can't believe my baby is going to school... i am leaving her for 3 1/2 hours... wow...
all these different milestones makes my heart long for P, only if i could share these moments with him. how much he would enjoy every moment of this. how he would probably have a harder time than i am because she was his little princess. he loved her so much. she in turn adored him. it makes me really sad that i have to do this alone and A has to do this with just a mommy, but i always tell her, we're a team and we get through these things because we help each other out. so... tomorrow we will go to school. i will have tears in my eyes and i know she will too, but we'll make it and it'll be a blast for her.
last night i was thinking of all the things P used to do around the house that was like a P thing, but i have to do all the time. when i was at the leamington house, G would do it, so i didn't notice it as much... but now... for example, changing light bulbs, doing dishes (rule: if i cook, he does dishes, if he cooks i do dishes)... but the thing i do not like doing the most that P would always do is take out the trash. collecting and taking the trash out was his job. here in chicago and when we moved overseas... that was his job. i never really had to touch it. so now i see the garbage and think... oh if only he was here. friends did tell me that i would grieve in a new way when i live on my own... i think this is a little bit of the grieving...
i move on... take steps... some days i could go a whole day without really getting sad or thinking too much about P... some other days i still get reminded of how i am alone and he is gone. those days i know will also decline as it has been, but i do know that no matter how many minutes or hours i think about him during a given day, P will always be a part of me... a part of A... he'll be in our hearts for the years to come... that's a given... no matter what.
i've been finding a new JOY in life. i love it. i could actually laugh and mean it 100%. i want to do things that are new and fun and challenging... like running a 5K race with my friends. ha ha... it's so not me to do something like this, but i thought, "why not?" i'm really excited for it... looking forward to the training and the actual race with the fun crazy women i'll be with. YEAH!! that's just an example. can't wait to find other things that are thrilling and exciting...
the other day i was in tears. i was working at my desk and she was playing behind me in her little area. i then hear her say, "God..." so i knew i should listen. she said this prayer, "God be with mommy... help her be patient..." and went on. it's kind of funny because that's when i pray for myself to her on days we are not getting along. she was praying for like two minutes for me. at one point she said, "and when it's mommy's turn to go to heaven she see daddy and Jesus and angels and Mary..." i cried so hard with my back turned to her so she didn't know i was listening. what a sweet little girl. you should hear her when she belts out "mighty to save".
today we went to a A's friends birthday party and on the way home she was talking about Jesus. i told her that she had to believe in Jesus and that if she didn't she would not go to heaven. i didn't say it to scare her, but that is the truth. then she asked "why?" a typical 2 year old question, but i took that opportunity and explained how God loved us so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us that we could be free from sin. I told her that three days later Jesus rose from the dead and because of that we will go to heaven after we die and see Him there. then she asked "why?" again. i said it's because God loved us. she again asked "why?" i just kept explaining... in the end when i asked if she believed in Jesus, she said no, but i am so glad she is asking those questions. it's kind of funny because some days she'll say yes in believing in Jesus others no, but she knows that He's the only way into heaven. if you ask her how you get to heaven, she'll tell you Jesus. no doubt.
about a week or so ago i noticed that when i sit on the floor, A is taller than me. i actually have to look up at her. on sunday we are having a joint birthday party for her and her friend. they took a picture together and i couldn't believe that A is like a whole half head taller than her.
tonight i put together her book bag with school supplies (which is extra clothes) and her lunch. i can't believe that tomorrow will be her first day of pre-school. the other night i cried thinking of how much she's grown in the past seven months. she is just so mature. i can't believe my baby is going to school... i am leaving her for 3 1/2 hours... wow...
all these different milestones makes my heart long for P, only if i could share these moments with him. how much he would enjoy every moment of this. how he would probably have a harder time than i am because she was his little princess. he loved her so much. she in turn adored him. it makes me really sad that i have to do this alone and A has to do this with just a mommy, but i always tell her, we're a team and we get through these things because we help each other out. so... tomorrow we will go to school. i will have tears in my eyes and i know she will too, but we'll make it and it'll be a blast for her.
last night i was thinking of all the things P used to do around the house that was like a P thing, but i have to do all the time. when i was at the leamington house, G would do it, so i didn't notice it as much... but now... for example, changing light bulbs, doing dishes (rule: if i cook, he does dishes, if he cooks i do dishes)... but the thing i do not like doing the most that P would always do is take out the trash. collecting and taking the trash out was his job. here in chicago and when we moved overseas... that was his job. i never really had to touch it. so now i see the garbage and think... oh if only he was here. friends did tell me that i would grieve in a new way when i live on my own... i think this is a little bit of the grieving...
i move on... take steps... some days i could go a whole day without really getting sad or thinking too much about P... some other days i still get reminded of how i am alone and he is gone. those days i know will also decline as it has been, but i do know that no matter how many minutes or hours i think about him during a given day, P will always be a part of me... a part of A... he'll be in our hearts for the years to come... that's a given... no matter what.
i've been finding a new JOY in life. i love it. i could actually laugh and mean it 100%. i want to do things that are new and fun and challenging... like running a 5K race with my friends. ha ha... it's so not me to do something like this, but i thought, "why not?" i'm really excited for it... looking forward to the training and the actual race with the fun crazy women i'll be with. YEAH!! that's just an example. can't wait to find other things that are thrilling and exciting...
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