i've been noticing how much A is growing. just in all aspects she is such a little girl now and not a baby or toddler. she talks so much, thinks about things, sings a lot and is so tall.
the other day i was in tears. i was working at my desk and she was playing behind me in her little area. i then hear her say, "God..." so i knew i should listen. she said this prayer, "God be with mommy... help her be patient..." and went on. it's kind of funny because that's when i pray for myself to her on days we are not getting along. she was praying for like two minutes for me. at one point she said, "and when it's mommy's turn to go to heaven she see daddy and Jesus and angels and Mary..." i cried so hard with my back turned to her so she didn't know i was listening. what a sweet little girl. you should hear her when she belts out "mighty to save".
today we went to a A's friends birthday party and on the way home she was talking about Jesus. i told her that she had to believe in Jesus and that if she didn't she would not go to heaven. i didn't say it to scare her, but that is the truth. then she asked "why?" a typical 2 year old question, but i took that opportunity and explained how God loved us so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us that we could be free from sin. I told her that three days later Jesus rose from the dead and because of that we will go to heaven after we die and see Him there. then she asked "why?" again. i said it's because God loved us. she again asked "why?" i just kept explaining... in the end when i asked if she believed in Jesus, she said no, but i am so glad she is asking those questions. it's kind of funny because some days she'll say yes in believing in Jesus others no, but she knows that He's the only way into heaven. if you ask her how you get to heaven, she'll tell you Jesus. no doubt.
about a week or so ago i noticed that when i sit on the floor, A is taller than me. i actually have to look up at her. on sunday we are having a joint birthday party for her and her friend. they took a picture together and i couldn't believe that A is like a whole half head taller than her.
tonight i put together her book bag with school supplies (which is extra clothes) and her lunch. i can't believe that tomorrow will be her first day of pre-school. the other night i cried thinking of how much she's grown in the past seven months. she is just so mature. i can't believe my baby is going to school... i am leaving her for 3 1/2 hours... wow...
all these different milestones makes my heart long for P, only if i could share these moments with him. how much he would enjoy every moment of this. how he would probably have a harder time than i am because she was his little princess. he loved her so much. she in turn adored him. it makes me really sad that i have to do this alone and A has to do this with just a mommy, but i always tell her, we're a team and we get through these things because we help each other out. so... tomorrow we will go to school. i will have tears in my eyes and i know she will too, but we'll make it and it'll be a blast for her.
last night i was thinking of all the things P used to do around the house that was like a P thing, but i have to do all the time. when i was at the leamington house, G would do it, so i didn't notice it as much... but now... for example, changing light bulbs, doing dishes (rule: if i cook, he does dishes, if he cooks i do dishes)... but the thing i do not like doing the most that P would always do is take out the trash. collecting and taking the trash out was his job. here in chicago and when we moved overseas... that was his job. i never really had to touch it. so now i see the garbage and think... oh if only he was here. friends did tell me that i would grieve in a new way when i live on my own... i think this is a little bit of the grieving...
i move on... take steps... some days i could go a whole day without really getting sad or thinking too much about P... some other days i still get reminded of how i am alone and he is gone. those days i know will also decline as it has been, but i do know that no matter how many minutes or hours i think about him during a given day, P will always be a part of me... a part of A... he'll be in our hearts for the years to come... that's a given... no matter what.
i've been finding a new JOY in life. i love it. i could actually laugh and mean it 100%. i want to do things that are new and fun and challenging... like running a 5K race with my friends. ha ha... it's so not me to do something like this, but i thought, "why not?" i'm really excited for it... looking forward to the training and the actual race with the fun crazy women i'll be with. YEAH!! that's just an example. can't wait to find other things that are thrilling and exciting...
