who will be against me...

during the past year, when life got tough, i always yelled at P. i told him he was being mean for leaving me to take care of all the tough things alone... i felt sorry for myself having to them all by myself at times and wanted to cry because it was frustrating doing things on my own...

today i had a frustrating day, but i saw a growth in myself tonight as i reflected upon the day... i didn't go yelling at P, i just told God how He really lead me to this and felt at peace about the situation. still not concluded the situation, but as i lay down to rest while A was napping, the Lord did something totally awesome. there is some construction going on just up the way from our house and there was constant pounding, making my rest not so restful... so i prayed, "Lord i just need to rest a little, could you make them stop pounding for a little bit?" no kidding within seconds it poured down rain for like 15 minutes. kids and ladies were running home screaming and laughing because of this sudden rain. then i heard the Lord speak to my heart, "i told you i'd take care of you... just trust me." then i concluded, the Lord is going before me, who will be against me? i trust my Saviour is before me and paving the way so clearly for me... so... on frustrating days, i've let go of blaming P, but now see His hand at work even in those situations. please keep praying for this situation, that the Lord will work in it. i feel utterly at peace.

i am so proud of my baby... she is just such a great blessing to me. this week as we got settled into our house, i could see how the Lord is working in her heart and growing her just as well. on monday, she didn't want to go outside unless there was someone there who could translate for her... like me of course... i encouraged her to speak for herself and gave her words to say... yesterday she went out to our gate on her own and said, "ayo main" which means, "let's play". as she said that like 6 kids ran to our gate, came in and played with her... she is enjoying herself and remembers some of her friends that she used to play with.

another thing i am so proud of her about is her adjustment to the mosque. when we first got here, she did not like the calls to prayer. she would cover her ears and cry... about a week into it, she would stand with her ears covered, then went to, "look mom, i'm listening to the mosque"... now when she hears it, she'll say, "mom let's pray"... i love her... she's growing... we spend 4 times a day praying, on top of meals and naps and night time. (it would be 5 times, but she sleeps through the 4am one... so do i...) i am praying that the Lord use her in awesome ways and want to continue to teach her to live a life for Christ... because that's what life is worth.

we are doing really well. the Lord has covered us with His grace... and His grace is sufficient for me... and i love that He is so far ahead of me and i don't have to worry about much... i love the peace He has given me to live out each day. my life is wholly and only devoted to the Lord. what a gift to be able to live under the shadow of His wings and feel His presence in my life.

reading a book now by elizabeth elliot and again i just think of the costs of following Christ... how everything the Lord gives, we need to surrender back to the Lord... not just material things, but our hopes, desires... family... friends... all those we need to give back to the Lord. what a life it is to live with everything surrendered to the Lord...

i think of matt redman's song "befriended" again... this will be my story this will be my song... how beautiful is that, if we actually let the author write our story so that we may sing with joy for the most incredible ways He reveals Himself to us. the Lord is good... He is faithful... Lord may i confess my love for you to the ends of the earth... that people may also experience your goodness and faithfulness... Lord the prayer of my life... More of you Less of me... fill me with you that i may not reflect myself, but what's in me... and if there is more of you and less of me, of course what is reflected is you and not me... to live as an image bearer of Christ is quite a task, but that you choose me... that you choose us to be that mirror image... how i don't want to mess that up... i know i will, but Lord if i keep my focus on you, how little would that be... Lord... this is my story and song... i want it to be only about you...

please pray for us this weekend as you celebrate the 4th of july or wherever you are at... for our continued health, safety. the Lord's protection in this house. for my friend to live with us. as i reunited with friends and depart with others (a couple we were friends with are moving away). A and my hunger to know the Lord more and grow in Him...

thank you so much for your prayers. one friend prays for us every time she finds coins when she does the laundry. the thing is you don't know what that prayer is doing... it could be preventing something or helping us in certain situations. when the Lord prompts you, whether by a coin or whatever, it's because we need it. so keep lifting those prayers us, we may never know why we lifted those prayers. by you obeying the Lord's prompting could save our lives. please never cease to pray for us...

pictures

**me playing "blessed be the name of the Lord" on the 16th**



**KS, A and A's ci-ci on the swings at our host family's house**



**JS and A playing in the airport**

the grace of God

my grace is sufficient for thee... i think about this tonight as it gets closer to midnight and just think what a wonderful God we have. this verse is on our church's wall and it hung over P and i when we got married... so fitting today as i moved into our house. the picture above is from when P's parents visited us, but that's our house now... today i sorted through bags, closets, went shopping and did so much to put this house together... but throughout the process not once did i think it was hard that i was moving into our old house. the walls are all painted new and there is actually hot water running in our bathrooms (although when we went to go use it tonight it didn't work, have to have someone come look at it), there is new furniture and ... it's just the grace of God... that's what TB and i concluded to tonight before we went to bed... my grace is sufficient for thee He says... yes it is.

i am really enjoying this house. already today we had A's friends come over and play on our porch. i know that tomorrow morning as early as 6, some kids will come and shout her name... then we have to make rules again... :)

A and i are both in our old rooms... i really like my room and now i have internet in my house... listen to this... 3G internet... yes here in this country we have 3G internet... it is perfect. can't wait to start catching up on e-mails and getting more blogs up.

tonight as i reflect and having heard TB say this a few times tonight, i am so grateful as God's grace is truly sufficient for me... TB mentioned and i know it's true that God has been clear in all my steps as i move forward in my life. i really appreciate prayers and discussions from people... this is what made each step easy and wonderful. i know that this past year has been an extreme life-changing year, but again how awesome that my Lord and Savior would want to personally and so intimately walk me through each step.

it's getting closer now to midnight... i am ready for bed, but just want to say... the Lord is good... and He is faithful...

**funny story before i close for the night... so there apparently is a rat living somewhere in the house... don't know where, but when sweeping we found some rat poop around the house, actually in one room... so tonight i heard some pattering and i was like ewww the rat... what am i going to do... then i realized it was actually just raining outside. ha ha... hopefully we could get rid of the rat problem. have to maybe get some rat traps... we'll see... ugh...**

please continue to pray for us... as we would like to see that the room with the rat problem (hopefully will be free of rat by the end of this week) be occupied by a friend of mine. praying and asking the Lord to open doors for this to happen.

moving

as i sit to type this blog, A is with her ci-ci's (sister in chinese) in the tub here at our host family's house. it's been such a blessing to be with them and be loved by them. Om F (om=uncle) has been A's favorite... wanting to play with him and have him push her on their swing set. what a blessing to be a part of this family. sad to be leaving, but totally psyched about seeing what the Lord has in store for us.

tomorrow A and i will start living at our house. we have been slowly moving things over and moving things around our already furnished house. God is totally way ahead of us in the things we need. the house still has three months left on the contract, so we are actually living there for free for three months. the Lord knew we needed financial help, so here we are... three months free of rent in a furnished house. praise God.

this will be short again, but i will soon put some pictures up.

praises:

1. the Lord is good, He is faithful in all ways.
2. our house
3. friends that have taken us in as family and have been caring for us.
4. opportunities to be with neighbors and friends and family in our neighborhood. again excited to see what the Lord brings.
5. it has been an excellent return. yes there are hard days still and frustrating being a single mom, but i've felt at peace all along the way.

prayer requests:

1. A's heart as many things remind her of daddy. this is where we were a family and i think that is effecting her. these days have been full of "i miss my daddy" or "i want my daddy".
2. me as a parent in a place where discipline is not really emphasized. (the hard part is i think A gets that... so she's so manipulative) continued strength in parenting.
3. spiritual warfare. we are at war. please pray for the Lord's protection and angels to walk with us here. He's already won the war, pray that each battle will be won by us.
4. future plans... we're taking it one-step at a time, but pray as i want to obey... i want to be opened to listening to God.

thank you for your continual prayers and support, love and care.

love you all!!!

**people have been asking for addresses and phone numbers...
address is the old one we had and so is the phone number. i have a cell phone, please ask KS for the number. thanks.**

one day at a time as i follow hard after HIM

long awaited entry, but it's going to have to be short. sorry. we are here and are safe. doing really well and the Lord is good... going before us in ways better and way beyond anything i could think of.

i will have to do a more detailed one soon, but for now, i will give a short summary.

1. the first weekend here, i spent it at A&T's... it was great and they surprised us with a prayer house dedicated to P. it was sweet surprise and a blessing to be at. (pictures to come)

2. the 16th (the year marker) was a great day. i went to the hospital with A, T and K. i felt such peace being there and could see myself trusting God if i ever had to go there for medical help. then we went to spend some time with friends for memories, laughs, tears, playing some hard core tennis and ending it with a great meal.

3. A and i will be moving into our old house. it was totally God's hand at work in all that. i wasn't even expecting to go there, but the Lord worked it out before i even got there. it was great and i feel at such peace with living there with friends and family we already know there. they are so excited to have us back and want to care for us. couldn't have asked for anything better.

4. our host family right now have been such a blessing. their daughters are great with playing with A. F&E are such a blessing and i'm so glad they listened to God's nudging of taking us in.

please continue to pray for us: emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.

thanks for your love and prayers already!!!

more to come soon. love you!!!

5 days left

thank you to all of you who have been praying for us to be healthier. my throat, that had been hurting for three days - couldn't really swallow and just scratchy, is all better now. A's cold is getting better and she's doing well. thank you for your prayers and PRAISE God for answering them.

we have 5 days left and we are meeting lots of people to say good-bye... had to cancel a couple cuz we were under the weather, but now we are back on. really trying to make it so we are taking care of ourselves as much as spending time with people. so if we cancel or have already cancelled on you, please forgive us.

it's getting to be a better winding down this life of mine... all my things at LM and GM's house and just sorting and weighing things out. soon i will be done and i don't have to worry about it anymore.

i was talking to a friend the other night and a question came up... "what will it take for us to know that God is worth it? what will it take for us to know that we can trust Him?"... i really don't know... i feel like i knew those things before, but not like i do now... so does it really take death? i think the answer is no... God makes it so easy for us... i mean all He asks us to do is COME... once we COME, with all our heart to see what the author of our life as for us, then... man it's pure joy from there on. no it's not easy, by all means, i'm not telling you it's easy... like i said, i thought i knew God was worth it and I thought i could trust Him, but it took me P's death and some months of questioning the foundations of what I believed to come to a place that i am. i am also not saying i'm perfect because God is surely showing me and letting me know the sins in my life on a daily basis and asking me to repent... turn from those things. i just want to ask though... isn't He worth it? can't we trust Him? can we do all this without having our lives shaken first? what will it take?

God is so good... i have to keep saying that... many blogs ago, i talked about how P made me sing "God is so good" when i did not want to... there are certain things that i am so glad P and i talked about before this... that song is one, but we talked about when we wanted A to date, how we would want her to grow, morals, tv shows, values as a family... i just feel like God blessed me with those talks, so now as a single mom, i don't have to worry that i'm doing wrong... we already talked about it... of course some things we may have talked about, but i do it differently because of circumstances or his opinion was stronger in one than i was... :)

5 days left... it's almost midnight and i should get to bed...

thanks for praying, but please keep praying!!!

closing another chapter... walking into a new one

in exactly one week, i will be on a plane. in exactly two weeks, it will have been a year. can you believe it?

i've been spending some time reflecting, and right now instead of cleaning the house, i am sitting at this computer. tired of cleaning and sorting and throwing things away.

last night i was in bed remembering the night of the 16th and although i wasn't really there, i could feel all those emotions rushing back. it was a little overwhelming. my counselor says that it really just kind of stays with you. of course it gets better and it has a lot, but... i heard someone once say it's like a getting a wound and then later you see the scar ... it doesn't hurt so much, but it's a reminder of what happened. so here i am with this huge scar in my heart... a great reminder of a wondeful prerson in my life, but even a greater reminder of my GOOD GOD.

i got to thinking of those last days before coming back to the states. i remember talking to AB, KP, CB and JP about gargling salt. by the like second day my throat was hurting and i remember getting into the conversation of whether it really worked or not... P didn't think so, i did...

as i was packing, cleaning, sorting, tossing, yelling, dancing and singing last night with a few girlfriends (by the way girls, i love you!!!), i remembered the day i went to pack up my house after P died. i'm overwhelmed packing up this house, that is all furnished and barely any of my stuff, i couldn't remember how i did it then. KP, JA how did we do it? ugh... i just remember the heavy steps to my house and spending about 8 hours clearing everything out... wow... that was just about a year ago... can you believe it?

you remember crazy things and some will never go away. i've been to many airports this year, more than i ever did up til this year... and every time i'm at the airport and see cargo cars, i get a heavy feeling in my pit (it actually got better over time, but still could feel something)... have you ever had your husband referred to as cargo? it's not a good feeling.

there are a lot more, but in all this i have to say that God is so worth it. He has been so good and faithful this year... i've seen Him so real in my life... He's been so personal to me... and yes this all sucks... the packing, the airports, the ICU's, whatever... but God is good... and He is worth it all.... so worth it all. (you're right SC, no other word could take "so")

life here on earth is so temporary. there is eternity waiting for us... not just any eternity, but a heavenly eternity... and lots of people describe so many things on this earth as heavenly (like a massage), but think of it as that but sooo much more. i mean incomprehensible amount more. so why waste time on ourselves on this temporary earth... this temporary satisfaction, when we could obey and do what the Lord wants us to do, i mean we were created to glorify Him... that's the purpose of why He breathed life into us... give life our all and spend eternity enjoying the comforts that far exceeds here, isn't that better? - that's eternal satisfaction.

the thing is this, if we are not doing what the Lord has for us, we aren't just not glorifying Him, but we are letting Satan rule our lives. we are allowing Satan have some hold on our lives. we are at war people. people have been talking about wars in the middle east and africa for a while now, but we need to focus on the spiritual war that is going on in this world around us. we cannot be blind to what Satan has a stronghold of on us or the people around us. we need to stand up, bathe ourselves in truth (quote from KS) and fight. not fighting with people, but with Satan.

spiritual war is going on all over, not just here in the states, but all over the world. i was telling some people, that when USA goes to war and people fall in battle, the country just keeps sending more, no matter the cause, and then if it comes to the point of drafting they draft people... look there are people out there fighting for the faith... not with guns, but spiritually with the word... going into dark places to put some light in there... and if one falls, there should be more people being sent... but there aren't, what a shame... the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. there are people going to hell out there, if not across the ocean, across the street, across the office, across the room. to speak truth and give light into their lives is what we as followers of Christ are to do.

people have told me what an amazing woman i am, how they think i'm so brave... dude if it was me, i wouldn't be where i am. i'm where i am now by God's goodness and faithfulness. He's good and has so graciously took me through each step of this process... and again if it were me, i'd probably still be in bed, scared and depressed, lonely and hopeless... it's all God!!! praise Him for His goodness in my life and in your lives.

if i had to close this chapter in my life today, i would want to say, "Jesus is so worth it. It's such a sweet and joyful journey to obey... don't you want to do that for Christ?"

please pray...

* spiritual readiness
* health (A has a little runny nose and was warm today... my throat has been scratchy, don't want to be sick before we leave nor during travels)
* emotionally as we say good-byes
* sleep (even if it's just an hour that it would feel like a whole night's sleep)

NOTE: i posted this about an hour ago and then got to thinking... i don't think that all people are called to go overseas, but i do think that we, as the people of God are called to obey the Lord in what He has for us. so if it's not to go overseas, that's fine, but if it is, awesome. if you haven't thought about it, start praying about it... again, great joy in obeying the Lord.