Be still Know I am God

Hide me now, under Your wings.
Cover me within Your mighty hand.

When the oceans rise
and thunders roar.
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father You are king over the flood,
I will be still and know You are God.

Today at church, we sang this song. In the language here, but as we were singing it, I remembered that June 17, 2008 at the funeral service here we sang that song. Then I remembered why I asked them to have that song be a part of the service... two weeks before P's death, at church they sang this song and i was really blessed by it. Today in church, I felt that God gave me that song two weeks before to prepare me for the oceans that will rise and thunders that will roar in my life... His promise to soar with me above the storm that was to hit my life. He wanted me to know He is the King... He was telling me to be still and know that He is God. He's continually given me that verse in Psalms to remind me... I need to be still and know He is God.

Please pray for A... She's not feeling good. Please pray for health.

Crazy?

A counselor that I know said that the first two years of a person’s life after a spouse passes, anything is possible. He said that it’s like the two years you could be crazy and do whatever you want and it’s normal. :) My counselor told me that it is true that people do crazy things and it’s considered normal, but she thought there is no time limit since everyone is different.

I thought about that this past week as my friend jokingly said I only have 7 more months to be crazy. Ha ha… so I thought about it because I have done some really crazy things after P died. Actually I guess it’s not so crazy but it was totally not me… I have travelled more in these past 17 months than I have in my whole 29 years of life… I have tried things I could never imagine myself to do before and felt so proud afterward… I have probably offended some people…. I have probably been braver on some things thinking of how short life could be… I have gone on roller coasters which I hate… so again they may not sound so crazy to you, but for me… pretty out of the ordinary. But I have to say, I haven’t had those urges for a while now. I feel like that craziness has died down a bit. Although there a few things I would like to do… probably sooner than later like I said because I know that life is short and I would really like to do some cool things. So if the Lord wills it… I will go for those soon.

So if I have offended you, worried you, troubled you, …. I’m sorry. I was clinically crazy. :) And according to some, I still have time to be crazy. :)

busy days

Wow where do I start? I feel like it’s been a long time since I blogged and I feel like I’ve been a little busy to sit down and post a blog. I sit here at my desk, tired really after a full week and having been up throughout the night with A. A had a fever last night and this morning. After taking Tylenol, she is now playing with our helper and I am taking some time to just type down some thoughts.

The week started with our wonderful friend and aunt TB visiting us. She spent two nights with us and that was so much fun. We played, shopped, ate good food, watched movies… It was so nice to have her here. Thanks for coming TB.

In between the visit, I worked while A got some “date” time with TB. It was great. Work has been good. Really getting to know some of the people and developing friendships with co-workers and people who come to The Center. I love it. Next week, I get to teach my very own class. I’m kind of excited.

This week we also started decorating for Christmas because next weekend we will be away for our church retreat. So, we put up our tree and put some lights on it… I have to say it was pretty emotional just thinking of how we used to do things. P would blast out Christmas music, we would put on Santa hats and decorate. This year… A really didn’t care, so I did it alone. Then I started laughing because I remembered having a conversation with P about the Trans Siberian Orchestra. He wanted to get the CD at the store and I told him I loved the band. He looked at me funny and smirked. He said, “you know who they are?” So I may have been born and raised in the states, but I don’t know much about music, so he was shocked. I told him I knew in a rather offended tone and he again laughed. I told him that my friend BK loved that group and I heard it before. Then P acknowledged that I knew what I was talking about because my friend knows music. Ha ha… so as I decorated I found myself sad at one moment and laughing the other. 

In the past week, maybe a little more, I feel the Lord has been really working in my heart in many areas, but He showed me how I haven’t really dealt with some emotions since being here. I love how God searches our hearts and reveals what’s going on in us. I also love how honest I could be with God. I was telling a friend yesterday, how people think something and then are not brave enough to tell God what they are thinking, even though He already knows what they thought about. Me included, but I’ve been so totally honest with Him with everything lately… It’s so freeing to be able to tell God the things in my heart and know fully that He accepts me and is hearing me and loves me all the same.

It’s been a little over 5 months since being here and a little over 17 months since P died. Can’t believe how time has passed, but like I told TB, although it’s been 17 months, sometimes I feel like it’s been 17 years… I mean I totally feel sometimes that I have lived 17 years since last June. Soon it will have been a year and a half and then… two years will come like nothing…

I read a few letters that P wrote me after decorating the tree … and in each letter he talked about God’s faithfulness and how in perfect faithfulness God has planned things from long ago… (Isaiah 26:1 – I think) reminding me that whatever happens… God is faithful and has a good plan for us. Although of course in his letters he talked about us getting old and grey together in the hoped for plan…

I guess I will always feel this way… missing P, but ever so excited about what God has for A and I in the future. I trust in His is goodness and faithfulness. We serve a great God…

Just watched a Joseph movie with A as she is sick… What suffering He went through, but through each one, God was His hope and He was blessed beyond what anyone could make up. Awesome huh? Not that I’m expecting a blessing like Joseph, but as I read “Magnificent Obsession” by Anne Graham Lotz, I realize that just being in love with God is a blessing. Oh to keep falling in love with everyday…

the cats in our neighborhood

aren't they the cutest cats you've seen. afternoon of face-painting.

Learned or Genes? Who cares right?

**The Work of Art "Bee" by AEP**


It’s funny how sometimes we don’t even have to try to be like our parents, some of them learned, some of them just because we are their kids, some of them because we have their genes… whatever the case is, we sometimes just don’t have to try we just are like them. Yesterday I was watching the movie, “Dan in Real Life”. Again I’m not promoting movies, just borrowed it from HB. Didn’t know it was about a widower, but he said something toward the end of the movie that made me think about this. He was telling his girls that he sees his late wife all the time… in his eldest’s goodness, in his middle’s passion, in his youngest’s eyes… and he just talked about how he would or actually couldn’t ever forget his late wife.

I see so much of P in A, actually I see both of us in her. I love the way she is like P and laugh at the way she is like me. It’s great that someone is like you, but I also think of how P would like the ways she is like me and just laugh at how much he loved me and how much he loved A… and how much more he would love her at the way she’s growing. He always said that he wanted her to be like me. And sometimes I think of if the tables were turned, P would do the same things I’m doing now… realizing how much she is like me without me even being there.

A loves to sing, which is like P, but she also loves to dance like me. I love it. A loves to draw like P and she’s quite good at it. The other day she brought me a picture and said it was a bee. I looked at it and was so surprised at how good it was. She and her friends will sit down for a long time drawing. A likes to fix things and put things together like me and her Aunt AP, which there is no blood relation, but funny how both of the P men got married to women who like that. So A will walk around looking for things to fix. She’ll ask if she could borrow my hammer and tools… One time she sat with her broken toy, can’t remember what it was now, but was working on it with my real tools to fix it. ha ha… Of course, I got that from my mom. A has beautiful long gorgeous lashes just like her daddy and cute little flat nose like me. A’s outgoing like both of us and loves people like both of us. A loves fishing, which neither of us loves, but P did grow up going fishing. A loves to read like her daddy, now mommy likes it, but before I did not. A is real quick at things like me… P would definitely agree with this, that my common sense surpasses his. Ha ha… A has a real gentle spirit like her daddy and cares for so many hurting people, she’ll remember who is sick at night and pray for them. She will also stop me at the grocery store if someone is crying to pray for them. I could go on and on… but I say this to say… that one day A will probably think or even ask if I have forgotten daddy, but I just have to look at her and he’s there. He’ll always be a part of us… even some of the things that I do… I do now because of him.

I was sick yesterday. I wish I could tell you what was wrong, but I woke up a little of the not so good side. Anyway, I was in bed all day yesterday and then today I woke up so much better. I went about my usual morning stuff and then took a shower so I could take A to school… and I felt light headed and not so good again. So our helper took A to school and I stayed home. I sat in our tv room and did my quiet time.

Now let me explain about my quiet time. I felt like for a little while, it’s been a little dry. Today I figured out what it was… I have been doing my quiet times, reading and writing down scripture and thinking about it, but for a while… can’t really think how long, I haven’t been praying about it. I would pray, but today as I was doing my quiet time, I would write down a verse and pray that verse over myself or the person I thought of or a situation I knew of… something I learned from P… anyways… today as I was doing this, I thought… why this is so good. And I felt the Lord tell me, “Be still and know that I am God”. That was it… I cut my quiet times short because of how busy I was, but I really need my quiet times to get through the day… and I cut it short in the most important way… my prayers. In a way, I was glad I was sick… to just sit and relax with God and hear from Him what He has to say to me.

I read Romans 8 today… I love His word. So in verses 5-6 it says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit, the things of the spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” I’ve been praying through some things about our future. I’m not sure which direction the Lord is leading us after our year here, but as I read this, I had such a desire to be spiritually minded that I may have life and peace. How I do not desire to live in the flesh… how meaningless and what it leads to is so not worth it. Just a makes me reflect how much of my mind is flesh and how much of it is spiritual. I was talking to a few friends and just talking about how our life would be so different if even in the little things we sought what the Lord wants from us. My friend, KS, e-mailed today to tell me that God knows even how many steps we take… He wants to know even that from us, enough to put it in scripture to tell us HE knows, so of course He wants to be a part of our decision in whether we should buy the red shoe or the black one.

There is so much to share with what I read, but that’s all I’m going to share right now. I wanted to actually talk about how much God is able and get so frustrated when people say things like, “that was just in Bible times”. Maybe I said this before, but if Hebrews says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, why wouldn’t He do such things now. Again KS e-mailed like last week to tell me that she was reading Exodus and said something along the lines of, “the Israelites were walking through a huge freakin wall of water”. Sunday my pastor talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Daniel 3. I mean seriously a huge freakin wall of water and surviving a fiery furnace. Why don’t we call out for these things now? Me included… I was talking with a friend Monday night and we were discussing how we just have this conflict with ourselves on being from the states and seeing what God does here… How sometimes it’s hard to have faith that He will do what He asks us to do… Fear is what it comes down to. Ugh How I pray the Lord will strengthen me to what HE wants me to do and not chicken out. LORD let me only fear you.

some thoughts

My favorite movie, “Remember the Titans” also has one of my favorite quotes: “attitude reflects leadership, captain.” For a couple weeks, I have been frustrated at A’s attitude, she’s been so whiney and everything was about daddy. Yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend talking about such things and realizing that I too have an attitude problem. She told me that we have some things to work through, but we’ll get through it. She gave me some good advice and it was an encouraging, but hard talk. She’s the one friend I know that will tell me exactly how it is. Thanks for that, AH. After my conversation with her, I went on the treadmill and I was running, I had a great conversation with God. I realized that her attitude reflected mine and God pointed out how my reactions were to her, which made her the way she was. I came out of the workout refreshed. Yesterday and today have been wonderful for A and I. I have to keep reminding myself how my attitude needs to be good and not just expect hers to be good. Again only two days, but it’s going well.
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Today I read Romans 6… I really enjoy reading the new testament… I was really convicted yet again about the sin in my life through this chapter.

Verses 1-2 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?
This is same question is then repeated in verse 15. We have died to sin… it should not be a part of our lives…

Verses 5-6 “For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.”

Verses 10-11 “For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Verse 12 “THEREFORE DO NOT LET SIN REIGN IN YOUR MORTAL BODY, THAT YOU SHOULD OBEY IT IN ITS LUSTS.”

Verses 22-23 “But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our LORD.”

I think about how we sometimes abuse God’s grace. I think I have written about this before… But we cannot knowingly sin because of God’s grace… we are abusing God’s grace.

Verse 14 “FOR SIN SHALL NOT HAVE DOMINION OVER YOU, FOR YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE.”

I don’t by all means think that this is saying that we should go ahead and sin because of grace… no. I cannot speak as eloquently or with such power as Paul who wrote this book. Read it… we should be running from sin… in battle with Satan for righteousness in our lives. Oh how I struggle with that, but know that He is giving me strength everyday to overcome it… no He has already overcome it… and I too have died to it. Lord help me to hate sin and grow more as your slave, not a slave to sin.
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Today a friend, KS, called. We may have talked a week ago, but sometimes with our busy lives, it seems like such a long time. Was so glad that she called and we got to share the things God has been doing in our lives in the season that we are in. She shared with me Psalm 139 and how God has really spoken to her through that chapter. So after our encouraging conversation, I got out my bible and read Psalm 139 yet again. Ugh… how intimately our Father loves us…

Verse 14 “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works. And that my soul knows very well.”

As I read that, I just thought of how I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my heavenly Father. He made me and I’m wonderful. His works are marvelous. We are all marvelous… doesn’t that just give you confidence in who you are in Christ. And I prayed that my soul will know this truth very well. I want to have A memorize this verse and have her grow up knowing that she should be confident in who she is for she is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator.

Verse 16b “And in Your book they all were written. The days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” (NKJV)
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (NIV)

I again was comforted by this verse. The Lord gave me this verse shortly after P’s death, but I feel like He’s given this to me again in a different light… Before it was comforting to know that God knew P’s death was going to happen before they were to happen. It was a comfort knowing He was in control and that He ordained it before it happened. Today as I read it, it brought about a new sense of security. I don’t know what my days are to look like in the future, but even though it hasn’t come to be, it’s already written in God’s book and it’s ordained by Him… How awesome is that. Again I found comfort in knowing that each step I take after Him, He’s blessed it before it happened. So as I pray about my future and make plans and steps toward that, I know that He’s already been there… I just need to keep following.

Verses 23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.”

As I read this I thought… wow what a bold statement. But then it was also convicting. What if every day I had this attitude toward God? What if I had this relationship with Jesus?? It was quite scary at first thinking of what He would say to me about my heart and what’s actually in it… but then I thought of how if I had done this two weeks ago when A’s attitude was getting bad, would it have gone on for two weeks. I want to start praying this daily… God search me… know my heart… Try me (woah that’s hard to say….). How much deeper will my relationship be with our Lord?
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A couple weeks ago, A asked me to play the guitar for when she goes to bed. I hadn’t played in a while, sorry teacher KA, but I picked it up and played her favorite song “Mighty to Save”. Ever since then, every night I have been playing the guitar for her and playing her songs for her bed time. It’s actually really good… I get good practice along with some good worship time as she falls asleep. As I type now, my fingertips on my left hand ache, KA said that it’s a good sign if that happens. Ha ha…

Next week starts a busy week, please pray for us. Please pray for continual health and safety. Please pray for the people we meet and encounter.

Please pray for me personally as I am making some steps about our future. It’s been 5 months since I’ve been here and I’m starting to pray about next steps, what the Lord has for us. God’s been extremely good in all that He has done in our lives… Next week it will be 17 months since P’s death… those first months were literally a nightmare for me, but God is good in bringing me to a place of peace, joy, comfort, security and anticipation of what He has for me next. Hooray for God. So please continue to lift us up… that’s really what has brought us this far…

sudah pulang

** at singapore zoo**


we are home... four wonderful nights in singapore. it was great... i kept thinking of melting pot... P would describe to people here about the US being a melting pot for the world... but i think singapore is the melting pot for asia. i mean people from all over asia was living there... very multi-asian and they all spoke english in the same accent. i thought it was fun. although sometimes i felt so bad i couldn't understand them. one thing is that singapore is very expensive. it's like rodeo drive for the whole country. but it was a good change of scenery... very clean and orderly.

we got our visas so i am an official working lady here. yeah!!

thanks for your prayers in safety. we had a great time.

while we were there... i had a couple P moments...

1. i was in a store looking around and leanne rimes song "how could i" came on... and i started to cry. i didn't cry because i thought those words were true, but how at one point i did think those words were true and how i'm doing so much more than what the lyrics say.

2. we were in this mall and there was a german store. we went in and i couldn't believe it, but it was a store full of pyramids... those things you put candles on and the fan on top goes around. well P always talked about how his grandma would have that out at christmas and wondered if it was around anywhere... well i got one. actually i killed two birds with one stone, because P also always wanted a nativity scene at our house... so the pyramid is mary, jospeh and baby Jesus with the candles around it. i'm so excited to have it.

it was good to have those moments... again they are just reminders of how good our God is and also that i still remember things about him when sometimes i feel like i don't think about him much.

i think that's it... we'll probably take this weekend to recooperate and then... a full week will begin with work and school...

**congrats to BR and MR... your daughter is beautiful. told you it was a girl.**