It takes a whole village to raise a child...

There are many places in this world that say it takes a whole village to raise a child. Sometimes I just think how true that is and how it is hard to do it on your own sometimes...

A has been pretty emotional these past several days. I think it started with me remembering P and my anniversary... Then one after the other like a snowball effect, things started piling on her in the emotional department. I at times would just tell her to stop whining because I couldn't figure out what it was... thinking she was over some of the stuff, but then it still is hard.

Last night we got a surprise visit from people she loves and had a sleepover. It was not planned, but really good for her. The morning was spent with Uncle A and Aunt T. It was good to have the village here. For her morning journal, A wrote how she missed Dunkin Donuts with daddy... the question of the day was what do you miss most about daddy? She cried when the couple left, so what did mommy do... take A out for Dunkin Donuts.

She's been wanting a lot of cuddling and mommy...

This post is a request for prayer for my little girl. I wish I knew everything that was going on in there... I wish she knew how to express it, but please pray for the both of us that we could deal with this together...

would have been 6 years

one of P's friends got engaged around the same time we did. we were trying to set our date and when we did, we found out there was a problem. the youth retreat was going to be the same weekend and so we had to look into something else. finally when we got the date, february 25, 2005, P called his friend PM to tell him... sad... it ended up that they set theirs on the same date. with some friends it wouldn't have mattered... but both P and PM wanted the other in the wedding. praise God PM and KM were able to change their date, two weeks before ours. funny thing is, their anniversary is now the same as A's birthday. :)

so that's how it started out... and finally six years ago we were married. i was only 24 when i married and i praise God because i always prayed that i would be married before i was 25...

it's kind of sad to remember and think of such a special day by myself... not because i have to, but i know there are definitely things that were only meaningful to us. i'll share a little...

1. we both laughed during the unity candle part because we always wondered what people talk about up there... there we were and i really can't remember what we talked about. i think we talked about the morning and what we did. ha ha...

2. i'm not much of a public anything person... public speaker, public display of affection, public... whatever is public, it really gets me all knotted up and stuff inside, so i told him that i was really not sure about the "now you may kiss your bride". P's response was that if i didn't kiss him after that part then we were going to have trouble on our honeymoon. ha ha... so for the sake of a great honeymoon, i kissed him or was it that i let him kiss me...

3. throughout the ceremony, i would look at him and he wasn't looking at me, so as we watched the wedding video the first time, i told him how he would never look at me.... then there was a part where he looked at me and i wasn't looking at him in the video... of course i didn't live that one down.

4. i really don't wear make-up. there was a time when we were dating and i wore make up, very lightly, to a wedding of P's friends. when i got to his house, i was soooo self-conscious that i didn't realize that someone was in his room and went up and hugged him to bury my face. ha ha... he was surprised since again i'm not a PDF person and there was someone in the room that i didn't even acknowledge. so anyway... on my wedding day i not only wore make up that i usually don't wear, i had fake lashes... it was crazy... when i was waiting for P in the nursery for him to see me for the first time before picture, i remember thinking, oh i'm just going to bury my face again....

i think that's enough. some things you think about...

to remember the day, A and i went ice-skating, ate sushi, watched a movie and then at night, some girls went out with me for dinner and shopping. it was fun.

praise God for a wonderful daughter and great friends.

Hipping and Hopping

I don't know that title just seemed to do it for me tonight. I have been in a daze really... life just keeps going and so many parts of you need to keep up. I feel like sleep needs to catch up... some times I feel like I never finished dealing with one emotion and then another triggers and I have to deal with that one... Life is just weird... but today I read from Psalm 143... I really appreciated that chapter, especially these verses:

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. (8-10)

Mmm~ I loved reading that... To read it over and over and just let it sink in... I long for myself to be like the author of this Psalm.

God is really good to me. As I finish up this chapter, He's been really speaking to my heart about different issues. I really feel Him directing me to close certain doors... mend relationships... put closure on situations that my heart struggles with... He also has been directing me to deal with hurts and questions that I haven't really thought about for a while. As I deal with them one by one... I could see that He is preparing me to return to the states in a healthy state... physically, emotionally and spiritually...

So in all this, I really do need to let the morning bring me word of His unfailing love for me as I put my trust in Him. Daily I have to ask Him to show me the way...

I love my Savior.

basket case

I have been an emotional basket case these past several days. There is so much to be done and it just feels overwhelming. After finally being accepted to grad school, it was a whirlwind of getting things ready to leave, getting the dates settled, arranging dates with a friend that will come to get us, organizing the specifics in purchasing the condo, and so on. I knew this coming back that it would be this way, but it doesn't make it easier just because you know it's going to happen, just a little bit more aware.

I feel a little bi-polar. I am really excited about leaving and starting school and pursuing this new chapter in my life, but really all at the same time I am extremely sad about leaving. My heart can't figure out if I'm here or there. It's here and wants to make the best of the last couple months, but it's also there. For example, I was at church and I was so sad thinking there are only several more times there... remembering how we started out there as a family and crying, but all at the same time, God gave me a picture of the chapel at the school I will be attending and I was so excited to be there with what will come. Overwhelming feelings... so what do I do... just start crying...

It's seriously closing this part of my life now... I don't know what the Lord will have for us when I'm done with school. It's saying good-bye to all that was P and us... saying good-bye to family here... saying good-bye to a future that could have been... it's also remembering all that happened while we were here... the nightmares I used to have are just memories now and they are coming back... I guess that's how you find closure.

Two nights ago I just cried yelling at God and P... waves of grief are coming back... anger, depression, wanting to be alone, but wanting someone to talk to all in the same... Almost three years later and here we go again, I guess this will just continue as life goes on, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

A is doing great dealing with all this. She's really excited about our friends who are coming to pick us up. SR is bringing her daughter, A's friend. It's going to be such a blessing to have them come. Thanks guys!!!

Please continue to pray for us... I don't even know what to ask for because half the time I don't even know what I'm really feeling, it's just so complicated!! Pray for A as she deals... she's doing good, but who knows what that heart is going through.

A Formal Announcement

In 2008 as P and I were talking about what our upcoming time in the states would look like, I asked P if it would be possible for me to take some classes for counseling as I felt the Lord leading me in that direction. A few months later after P died my life could have gone a million different directions and counseling was one of the top on my list. Months after being back in Indonesia, I felt the Lord nudging me again. I prayed about it for a while and felt the Lord asking me to stay in Indonesia. In being back in the states this winter, the Lord again put counseling in my heart.

Devoting 2 weeks to pray about it, I decided to apply to grad school for counseling.

I am in a fork in the road of my life where I am sensing the need to find E and what the Lord wants to do with E rather than focusing

and finishing what P and E did. So here I am formally announcing my decision to pursue my calling in counseling.

I will be starting classes this fall of 2011. A and I will be returning to the states mid-April. Getting back to the states mid-April gives us an opportunity to get settled, for me to take a summer class to fulfill pre-requisites and adjust to life in the states before starting school. A will be starting Kindergarten and I will be starting Grad School.

We have purchased a condo in the Chicago area where we will be around brothers and sisters who are willing to help with picking up and dropping off A, as well as helping with other things.

I pray that you all will continue to pray for us and be in contact with us as we start this new journey.

(This is a newsletter I sent out.)

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The Lord’s been good to me... From the first moment I started praying about this while I was in the states to this very moment, the Lord through scripture, people and through amazing ways has shown Himself clearly in the choices I make as I pursue this new chapter in my life. In Isaiah 9 it talks about Jesus being a WONDERFUL COUNSELOR and that in itself is God’s way to tell me that it’s not going to be me being the counselor, but Him in me. People have been so encouraging to me... I am floored by God’s gracious hand in my life.

We are planning to move back to the states, in the Chicago area, mid-April. My friend and her daughter (who is A’s friend) are planning on coming to pick us up. It’s kind of crazy how fast this is all happening. I feel bi-polar on some days, really sad I’m leaving and really excited that I’m going. It’s crazy...

Please pray for us...

* Hearts of the people that we will be encountering in our weeks here.

* Travel plans - tickets (good prices), weight on baggage, good times, etc.

* Our hearts as we say good bye and hearts of those we will be leaving behind.

* Details with packing up and selling our things here

* The power of God’s spirit to move through this nation.

* Logistics of grad school - financial aid, scholarships, tuition, books

* Our hearts as we say good-bye to P again...This has been our home, all three of us together, and we are saying good-bye to it. Bringing up a lot of emotions.

* That our story can be used for God’s glory as close up here and even when we are gone.

More from the past, but cuz of internet...

February 3, 2011

My baby is turning 5 tomorrow... I sat down to help her get dressed earlier today and she towers over me. She is 97%tile in height and 75%tile in weight. The girl is gorgeous, smart and has a super personality!!! I love the girl and I can’t believe my baby is turning 5... I think I may cry!

February 4, 2011

So it happened. She’s actually 5, not just here but also stateside time. I was journaling as the day ended... and I realized 2 things... A has been a part of my life longer than P now and A has lived longer without P than with P. It’s so crazy to think about those two things.

Today to celebrate the life of my beautiful daughter, I decorated the house for her to wake up to. A is such a good girl. Sometimes she comes to my bed in the middle of the night and we’ve been working on that. The night before her birthday I told her that she needed to stay in her bed all night because there would be a surprise for her in the morning. She stayed in her room all night and instead of coming straight out, she called out for me in the morning and asked if she could come out. When I heard her, I told her to wait and got my camera. As soon as she walked out I took a picture. I decorated her door and had balloons all over the front of her door. She was surprised!!! Yeah!

She opened presents and we ate muffins that I made. Then we had visitors. A friend of A’s brought her a gift.

It was a full day. She invited her good friend and her little sister because she only wanted girls, but also invited her favorite little friend that is a boy, like her little brother. We went ice-skating, ate at KFC (that is her favorite), had brownies instead of cake, went to a indoor play area, and took everyone else home.

A’s friend was sleeping over, so after taking everyone home, we went to the salon and the girls had a manicure/pedicure while I got a back massage. When we got home the girls played dress up while I made dinner. The girls have been friends for a long time, since A was 2 months old, so it’s fun to see them grow into these big girls... They took a mandi (shower) together which they were both so excited about, it was 45 minutes long. The girls got all comfortable and lounged in the red bean bag chairs to watch a movie. They are sleeping very deeply right now and I pray that they will sleep in tomorrow.

My baby is a big girl now and I should stop calling her baby now... soon she’ll tell me to stop. My baby!!!

Lord I pray that you will continue to be with A and grow her to be a woman that follows hard after you, who’s heart will beat with yours and who will obey you. Lord I pray that she will continue to have a heart for the people around her and bring people into your kingdom. I pray that she will know that you are a God that hears her even when at times it may not seem like it. Lord... I want her to be all about you. I can’t do that without you so please Lord... be her everything.

cuz lack of internet

January 28, 2011

Some days I find myself taking P’s journal off the shelf and reading it. Some days I cry in sadness, some days I laugh in memory, some days I wonder if this person was really real, days like today I get angry at him for thinking the way he did, not because he was wrong, but because... well... maybe the entry will be self explanatory.

From April 26 (Monday), 2004 - 16172 days

Recently SC (his friend from high school, college, and roommate of 5 years) has been talking about “numbering his days” since Dr. Thrasher spoke on Psalm 90. He’s literally numbering his days, counting down to 70. I don’t know that I’ll live to to see 70. I might get hit by a car at 26. I might be killed for Christ at 35. I might die of a heart attack at 65. But the exercise of counting down - numbering the days - might remind me of Psalm 90’s message. The days “guidely pass and we fly away”.

Ephesians 5 - “Redeem the time for the days are evil.”

Of course the entry goes on about his convictions in this area and what he wants to do about it, but now as I look back and read that, it angers me that he would think that... you know how there is a saying, “what you say will happen”.

There have been days, though that I would read this same entry and I would be so proud of the man I married. I would think what a blessing it was to be married to a man like that and therefore I could be the woman I am.

Grieving I know is a crazy thing... so even though three years since he died is not so far away if you think about it, I still think about these things...

But it also makes me think the same thing. I don’t know when I’ll die... I don’t know if tomorrow I will even wake up. I don’t know if I’ll live to see A graduate from high school let alone see my grandkids grow up... So what am I doing with my life?

On the other hand, I still may have another 50 years (which will make me 80) and 5 kids in my future with a wonderful tall godly man and I think, how am I going to make every moment count for the glory of God??

Either way you look at it... life could be short or life could be long... the most important thing is what are you doing with it?

I have been really thinking about being hated. In scripture it talks about how we are to be hated by the world in order to be doing the right thing...

In this world where sin is such a casual thing... where if we don’t accept sin then we are narrow minded bastards... where if we speak truth we are heartless and unloving... where if we actually do what Christ says for us to do that even our so-called brothers and sisters tell us to chill out and hold our tongue or lighten up.

Come on people... seriously. I have been praying lately for the Spirit to move. Where I live is broken, but everywhere in the world there is brokenness and people in need of a Savior. Without us praying and the work of the Holy Spirit, in which we need to pray for, our faith is going to become such a godless nothing. My prayer over and over is for my heart to beat for the things that make God’s heart beat.

What are we putting up with to save our face? What are we shutting up about because we want to be sensitive to people and show them Christ? What are we holding loosely to when the Lord commands so much? What are we doing to repay the debt that we owe? Come seriously people... What are we doing?????

If we are doing right... especially now in this generation, we should be hated by the world. And I don’t mean to go out to the local bar and condemn everyone, but to stand up for truth when we need to whether it means losing our job, letting go of someone, speaking truth into someone’s life... I pray that when we do as Christ desires us, then people’s hearts will be turned, but this will most likely not be the case.