yesterday during my biblical theology and interpretations class i was reminded of what my desire was in life, especially after P's death... to never forget God's goodness and faithfulness in my life. i remember writing blogs about it... so in class we were talking about how the israelites forgot... they kept forgetting and not only that they forgot to tell their children so generations were forgetting about what God had done for His people. i don't want to forget. God is so good... He has been and continues to be faithful in my life, providing for our every need.
then it made me think of how important today is for we don't know what tomorrow holds or if there even is a tomorrow. i've been super busy with school work lately and my poor daughter has been good at entertaining herself. today i took her out... i still have a couple papers to write and tons of pages to read for classes, but i don't want to miss time with my daughter.... moments i know i will regret having missed. i've said this before, but i don't strive to get an A. it would be nice, but it's just not priority to me... so we went and had lots of fun... one of the good things included a chocolate cake shake from our favorite portillos.
let's not forget...
i didn't want to get comfortable here in the states. i feel like i have been because i have forgotten the urgency i felt over the years... the urgency of the Kingdom... urgency of the people around me... i've been busy with my own life (yes i know that my school work is for the glory of God), but i need to look beyond me. Lord let me not forget... let me not forget to see the people around me!!!
my professor was talking about how whenever the israelites forgot, it was like they were pushing a "misery" button for themselves... with forgetting came misery!! Lord i do not want to forget!!!
okay... after a good day with my girl... i am off to write my paper!!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
the dead speak
on good friday, A and i took our frisbee and went to memory park. it was a beautiful day, a little windy, but sunny and so green. i don't know what it is about memory park, but i find myself crying every time i drive in that direction. i still find myself talking to P at times, i also yell at him when i find myself in frustrating situations, blaming him for not being here. like the other day i was getting our garbage ready to throw away and i was like so mad because that was his job and here i am... doing the dirty job alone. :) anyway... we went to memory park and even though i talk to him once in a while, it's a different feeling when i'm at memory park. i feel like we are closer. i was telling A how we used to go to memory park every week, to me those were dates with daddy. i felt like we were together for some reason back then. i have healed so much since then, but still there is a sense of closeness when i'm there. so as A played with the frisbee and read her book (yes my daughter is now a reader!!), i talked to P. i told him what A's been up to, what's been going on in my life and just whatever came up in my mind. cried the whole time... and as i stood there crying and pouring out my heart... i heard him say, "you have to keep singing it". and i balled....
i know i've told this story before, but... when P and i were trying for our second child, it was such a frustrating thing for me. a year and a half went by with around 13 of our friends getting pregnant and having babies. one night, i was so sad having heard another friend who was pregnant, and as i put A down to bed, i started singing "God is so good". but i couldn't do it. i didn't feel that the words of the song were true, so i came out of A's room in tears, telling P what was wrong... he told me, "you have to keep singing it. you know it's true, keep singing it..." so in tears, sobs, and heartache i sang every last word of that song.
so here i was at memory park on good friday and those words penetrated my heart... "keep singing it". i stood there and sang the song. "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me." it's so true!! i have had such a tremendously blessed life. yes there are things that come up and i lose hope or feel like it's never going to get better, but it's not true. almost four years since the most tragic event of my life happened and look where i am now... look where A is and how beautifully she is growing!! God is good... we have to keep declaring that, in our lives, with our words, and in song!!! being a testament of God's goodness... one of my goals in life!
i know i've told this story before, but... when P and i were trying for our second child, it was such a frustrating thing for me. a year and a half went by with around 13 of our friends getting pregnant and having babies. one night, i was so sad having heard another friend who was pregnant, and as i put A down to bed, i started singing "God is so good". but i couldn't do it. i didn't feel that the words of the song were true, so i came out of A's room in tears, telling P what was wrong... he told me, "you have to keep singing it. you know it's true, keep singing it..." so in tears, sobs, and heartache i sang every last word of that song.
so here i was at memory park on good friday and those words penetrated my heart... "keep singing it". i stood there and sang the song. "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me." it's so true!! i have had such a tremendously blessed life. yes there are things that come up and i lose hope or feel like it's never going to get better, but it's not true. almost four years since the most tragic event of my life happened and look where i am now... look where A is and how beautifully she is growing!! God is good... we have to keep declaring that, in our lives, with our words, and in song!!! being a testament of God's goodness... one of my goals in life!
 |
| wow we were young... i was 23, he was 25. |
URGENT prayer request
it's nothing that has to do with life and death, but it would be very helpful...
i am currently trying to renew my teaching certificate. it has been expired for almost 5 years which means it is a lapsed certificate. currently if i want to get my certificate renewed i need to go and take 9 credit hours relating to education. now i am not going for my type 73 certification, which is school counseling, but a lot of the classes that i am taking overlap with those courses that i would need if i were to get my type 73. the problem is it wouldn't be available until this semester is over. so that's one way to go... hoping they will take the classes even though i am not going for my type 73.
the other light at the end of the tunnel as the lady on the regional office said is that there is currently a "lapsed certificate" bill going through the house to be passed. she said that the next time they meet it will be april 17 and then hopefully soon it will pass. this bill will override my need to take any classes and i would just have to pay the fees to get my certificate.
so this is my prayer!!! please pray that the bill will pass, if not for me, for others in my position. also if that doesn't pass quick enough, that they will take my classes that i have been taking. once i pay the fees and show evidence of schooling then i don't have to wait for a certificate, i'm in the system!! so please pray for this to go through!!
i am currently trying to renew my teaching certificate. it has been expired for almost 5 years which means it is a lapsed certificate. currently if i want to get my certificate renewed i need to go and take 9 credit hours relating to education. now i am not going for my type 73 certification, which is school counseling, but a lot of the classes that i am taking overlap with those courses that i would need if i were to get my type 73. the problem is it wouldn't be available until this semester is over. so that's one way to go... hoping they will take the classes even though i am not going for my type 73.
the other light at the end of the tunnel as the lady on the regional office said is that there is currently a "lapsed certificate" bill going through the house to be passed. she said that the next time they meet it will be april 17 and then hopefully soon it will pass. this bill will override my need to take any classes and i would just have to pay the fees to get my certificate.
so this is my prayer!!! please pray that the bill will pass, if not for me, for others in my position. also if that doesn't pass quick enough, that they will take my classes that i have been taking. once i pay the fees and show evidence of schooling then i don't have to wait for a certificate, i'm in the system!! so please pray for this to go through!!
Monday, April 9, 2012
grace and peace
i sometimes wish i wasn't a person who needed grace... right?? i mean don't we all have a little pride and want to have done things right that grace does not need to be extended to us. i'm not talking about God's grace here... i totally need that, but i think about grace that i need people to extend to me. today i was reminded of that grace that needs to be extended to me. i am so broken and sometimes just make stupid mistakes... without grace, i cannot feel peace because i am a person that likes to know that things are right... without the extended grace... it can't be made right.
i think of my teenage years and how self-righteous i was toward so many people, especially my parents. without their grace in my life, i don't think i would have turned out to be the woman i am now. i think of my college years and how much i've messed up in friendships, yet so many of them are still my friends today... so thankful that they extended grace to me. i think of my years in indo and how i had no clue as to what to say or what the norms were, but the people there were so gracious in spite of all the most cultural awful mistakes i could have made. i think of the first couple years after P died... i was a wreck and so many... family, friends, church family, strangers... extended so much grace as i grieved and made some careless decisions and so much more. so much grace is needed in our lives from fellow life livers.
i have been trying to love better these days, which i know i've mentioned. i'm realizing that extending grace is an act of love, standing in the other person's shoe for a second and trying to see where they have been and where they are... gives you perspective and insight into the person which gives you the ability to extend grace.
as i receive grace from others and try to extend grace as much as i can toward others, i feel at peace, a kind of satisfaction that i have done what God has called me to do. the rest Lord is up to You.
just wanted to write that... let us be a people who extends grace to those around us just as our Father has done for us.
i think of my teenage years and how self-righteous i was toward so many people, especially my parents. without their grace in my life, i don't think i would have turned out to be the woman i am now. i think of my college years and how much i've messed up in friendships, yet so many of them are still my friends today... so thankful that they extended grace to me. i think of my years in indo and how i had no clue as to what to say or what the norms were, but the people there were so gracious in spite of all the most cultural awful mistakes i could have made. i think of the first couple years after P died... i was a wreck and so many... family, friends, church family, strangers... extended so much grace as i grieved and made some careless decisions and so much more. so much grace is needed in our lives from fellow life livers.
i have been trying to love better these days, which i know i've mentioned. i'm realizing that extending grace is an act of love, standing in the other person's shoe for a second and trying to see where they have been and where they are... gives you perspective and insight into the person which gives you the ability to extend grace.
as i receive grace from others and try to extend grace as much as i can toward others, i feel at peace, a kind of satisfaction that i have done what God has called me to do. the rest Lord is up to You.
just wanted to write that... let us be a people who extends grace to those around us just as our Father has done for us.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
stories
He is risen...
today i was reminded of the beauty of HIS story in each of our lives. at church we had a beautiful and powerful picture of why we celebrate His resurrection. every resurrection sunday, our church has baptisms incorporated into the service. this year it was different and it was so beautiful. if you remember a few posts prior to this, i found a frame with the quote, "the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. they must be felt with the heart." that is exactly what happened in this service as the stories of each of my brothers and sisters were told... how God has brought them into His family, who they were before Christ and who they have become after knowing Him and what it means to them to be baptized, to make a commitment/profession in front of everyone... not ashamed. it began with each story told through a video with two of my favorite gungor songs playing in the background, then we worshipped together, a few people got baptized, we went into worship again... i cried. it was so powerful as each professed their faith, went into the water as a symbol of death to self and being given new life in Christ. a few more people got baptized and again we went into corporate worship. it was pure beauty and such a powerful way to celebrate and worship. it was amazing!!
it reminds me of who i was and where God has brought me. it reminds me of how broken i was and how God has been molding me into a new creation. it reminds me of the meaningless world i used to live in and how i am now in a temporary world living for the eternal. it reminds of the emptiness that was in my heart and the fullness i have with Christ. the service was a great reminder for me of my story and how my story is just a mini sub section of His story He weaves together through the stories of all His children.
today i was reminded of the beauty of HIS story in each of our lives. at church we had a beautiful and powerful picture of why we celebrate His resurrection. every resurrection sunday, our church has baptisms incorporated into the service. this year it was different and it was so beautiful. if you remember a few posts prior to this, i found a frame with the quote, "the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. they must be felt with the heart." that is exactly what happened in this service as the stories of each of my brothers and sisters were told... how God has brought them into His family, who they were before Christ and who they have become after knowing Him and what it means to them to be baptized, to make a commitment/profession in front of everyone... not ashamed. it began with each story told through a video with two of my favorite gungor songs playing in the background, then we worshipped together, a few people got baptized, we went into worship again... i cried. it was so powerful as each professed their faith, went into the water as a symbol of death to self and being given new life in Christ. a few more people got baptized and again we went into corporate worship. it was pure beauty and such a powerful way to celebrate and worship. it was amazing!!
it reminds me of who i was and where God has brought me. it reminds me of how broken i was and how God has been molding me into a new creation. it reminds me of the meaningless world i used to live in and how i am now in a temporary world living for the eternal. it reminds of the emptiness that was in my heart and the fullness i have with Christ. the service was a great reminder for me of my story and how my story is just a mini sub section of His story He weaves together through the stories of all His children.
our annual easter picture at the M's house
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
future
my plans tomorrow are to go to A's school to be the room mom. then we'll come home and have lunch, take a rest and probably go to the Y. i guess at some point i'll have to do some work... i have tons and tons of school work to do. but the thing is those are just my plans. who knows what is going to happen...
today i sat through a very long lecture planning my future. our schedule for summer and fall are online so here i am in this class that felt so dry arranging my future. i figured out my fall schedule and looked to see what i could do in order to finish this program in the three years that i planned to do school. it is going to be crazy. the thing is the "ideal" schedule to finish in three years is 15 credit hours a semester. i have not been doing that, so i'm taking extra classes in the summer to "catch up" with the "ideal" schedule.
this summer i am taking three classes. it is going to be intense... like i said before, i will not have a life until july, which is really stinky!! the thing i thought about this week as i was thinking about all this is... i guess i have two choices... do everything at once as a full time student or take it slow and do it while i work. the down side of the latter choice is that i have a great scholarships right now that are helping me out and if i don't do full time, then i lose my scholarships. so that's one of the reasons that i want to do this all right now!!
anyway... as i was planning my future, i just smiled to myself because i am really putting God in a box. i mean seriously... i could do all this planning and God could do a million things to make it go another way. i have thought about how God could call us somewhere all of a sudden and we'll move overseas again... or the long awaited man of our dreams will show up and i'll get married... or God could ask me to do something else... or i may need to go back to work for one reason or another... or... or... or...
i think of all the plans that i have had over the years and how most of them didn't turn out exactly the way i planned it. i thought of all the things i've wanted to do and have to really pray about what God wanted and sometimes didn't know until i stepped into to find out what was going to happen. i think of the english center P and i were planning on opening in indo... how that dream was put out there a few many times... and it never happened. i think about making the decision to go back to indo just me and A. i think about how i really wanted to be married by the time A was 5 so that she wouldn't have such a big gap without a dad... all these plans...
plans... we could make them, but God makes the path... and i am going to trust that the Lord continues to provide for us. i am taking it one day at a time... one semester at a time. what the Lord does with that i will follow in obedience... i just ask that He gives me the ears to hear and the strength to follow. i know the joy in following the Lord and i want to continue that.
today i sat through a very long lecture planning my future. our schedule for summer and fall are online so here i am in this class that felt so dry arranging my future. i figured out my fall schedule and looked to see what i could do in order to finish this program in the three years that i planned to do school. it is going to be crazy. the thing is the "ideal" schedule to finish in three years is 15 credit hours a semester. i have not been doing that, so i'm taking extra classes in the summer to "catch up" with the "ideal" schedule.
this summer i am taking three classes. it is going to be intense... like i said before, i will not have a life until july, which is really stinky!! the thing i thought about this week as i was thinking about all this is... i guess i have two choices... do everything at once as a full time student or take it slow and do it while i work. the down side of the latter choice is that i have a great scholarships right now that are helping me out and if i don't do full time, then i lose my scholarships. so that's one of the reasons that i want to do this all right now!!
anyway... as i was planning my future, i just smiled to myself because i am really putting God in a box. i mean seriously... i could do all this planning and God could do a million things to make it go another way. i have thought about how God could call us somewhere all of a sudden and we'll move overseas again... or the long awaited man of our dreams will show up and i'll get married... or God could ask me to do something else... or i may need to go back to work for one reason or another... or... or... or...
i think of all the plans that i have had over the years and how most of them didn't turn out exactly the way i planned it. i thought of all the things i've wanted to do and have to really pray about what God wanted and sometimes didn't know until i stepped into to find out what was going to happen. i think of the english center P and i were planning on opening in indo... how that dream was put out there a few many times... and it never happened. i think about making the decision to go back to indo just me and A. i think about how i really wanted to be married by the time A was 5 so that she wouldn't have such a big gap without a dad... all these plans...
plans... we could make them, but God makes the path... and i am going to trust that the Lord continues to provide for us. i am taking it one day at a time... one semester at a time. what the Lord does with that i will follow in obedience... i just ask that He gives me the ears to hear and the strength to follow. i know the joy in following the Lord and i want to continue that.
Monday, April 2, 2012
happiness
i don't know if it's the dove's chocolate message that said "happiness looks good on you" or the awesome praise that i got to be a part of last night at church or the beautiful sunshine today or my happy songs playlist... but today i felt happy. smiling all day and enjoying the day. it's kind of crazy... i have a ton of things to do, but i feel good... happy... peaceful... full of joy!!! i guess people are praying for me. i could always sense when people are praying for me... and i think today is one of those days. we had to do a lot of errands today and trader joe's was one of them. i usually get flowers when i'm down and need a lift in my mood, but today i got them because i was in a good mood and it was just going to make it better. so i have beautiful flowers in my house.
thank you God for a wonderful experience of your joy today!!!
thank you God for a wonderful experience of your joy today!!!
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