Life

tonight our friends J&K had their 3rd child overseas. even though i know our friends are sad of the lose of a life, the Lord blesses them also with a beautiful new life. praise Him for the new little girl.

love you guys. wish i was there with you to see her. will be praying for you!!!

Date

today is the day that P, A and I were going to come back to the states for a few months. the week he past away, we were supposed to get tickets for this date to come and be with everyone. as i think of how i got here i still can't believe it and it's so sad that he's not here with me.

A has bronchitis and is taking an antibiotic for it. it was kind of hard taking her into the doctor by myself. tomorrow we go back to the dr to make sure she's getting better. please pray that she's reacting to the medicine.

got an e-mail today. i started crying... please pray as there is someone that has been sick for 3 weeks and now in ICU overseas. please pray hard!!!

that's it for today, but please lift that person up!!! us too! thanks.

watching a movie

i was with some friends the other day and a friend mentioned how life these days sometimes seemed like it was moving like a movie, you're just watching it go by. you sit there and see everything going on and you're there, but really not. not exactly the friend's words, but something to that effect. i knew exactly what he was talking about. that was so true for me too. i'm there with people or at a place or whatever and things happen and it just seems so surreal. i still am not at the point where i could every moment know P is gone. i'll be playing with A in a room and sometimes find myself waiting for P to just walk through the door. or i'll be going to bed and think that he's in the other room doing something and he'll come into bed later. it's already been a month and a half and some days i just can't believe it. i don't think it's true. even though i know it's true, not sure why i still think it's not true? i guess that's just part of the process.

been reading some... the bible of course, but also this book i got from a friend about grieving when you loose a spouse young. it's been good. i'm reading through all the things that will happen in my process and some of them i don't even want to face, others i'm in denial of ever going through and some i think have already come and gone. weird huh? i've been enjoying psalms lately and read psalm 116 almost everyday. P engraved psalm 139 on my wedding ring... so i read that often too. the other day i started isaiah. P and i were reading two chapters a day while he was away for a month taking the class. we never finished it, but i wanted to read through it. maybe in a way to fulfill what we promised, but also just wanting to read it... looking for pictures i could keep in my heart... especially of Jesus.

i feel a little absent minded lately. i'll start something and forget and move on to the other. i'll start calling someone and forget who i was calling. i'll go to an area of the house looking for something and just come back to my room not even remembering that i was looking for something.

sometimes i feel sad... especially when A does something cute... i just want to yell, "P did you see that?" then realize that he's not there. or i have to talk about something that only i would talk to him about and he's not there... then i get frustrated talking to the air... he's not even there to listen and i'm talking to him. crazy!!!

BUT i always remind myself God is good. i tell A that all the time... God is good. no matter what life may bring us, He is good.

thanks for still praying for us, reading about us, sending cards and e-mails, being friends with me on facebook and calling. it's very encouraging and prayer has been what keeps us breathing everyday.

Culture Shock 2

Food portions. Woah that's another thing that is really different here. We noticed it when we went overseas. We would order something and then had to order another plate because it wasn't enough for us. We got used it after a while. I order food here and there is so much food on the plate. So that's something else I noticed.

People. A and I took a walk to the BIG park in our neighborhood. I couldn't believe there were no people outside. Where we used to live, we would have met 100s of people on the way, talking, saying hi, getting treats... but here, there was no one out and the one person we saw didn't even want to say hi. It was just different. Some people may think it's nice, actually I think I thought it was nice before, but now it's little lonely walking down such streets.

Those were just two things I thought of. There may be more.

I just put pictures on the facebook. Please check them out.

Culture Shock

Many have said that there will be reverse culture shock when I got back to the states. I’ve been feeling it now and then. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just have to leave a place, but with everything that’s going on, I’m kind of dealing with whatever emotion is stronger.

I just wanted to write a little about my culture shock coming back to the states.

Where we were overseas, people talk really quietly, almost a whisper. We had to ask them to repeat what they say, not because we couldn’t understand them, but because we couldn’t hear them. In our bedroom, we could hear our neighbors taking a bath, so imagine us having a conversation. We know they could hear everything. When A was little, our neighbors would ask us what was wrong with A the night before if she cried or they would ask why she was laughing so hard. Saying that, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how loudly people talk here in the states. For people who know me, they may think it’s ironic because I was pretty loud too, but I was our volume control in our family overseas. If P got loud, I’d have to tell him to quiet down unless he wants the whole neighborhood to hear. The thing is, our neighbors would probably just think we were fighting if we were so loud.

Materialism is a value I think in both places, but I think more people could show off their materialism here. I went shopping with family about two weeks ago and I couldn’t believe the prices. It said they had a sale and still the prices were so high, at least compared to where we were. Of course if I needed it I got it, but it was pretty shocking. I usually enjoy shopping, but after 30 minutes I asked my family to go home. Then the other day I went with a friend to American Girl. I’ve heard of that place, but man is that the center of materialism. I couldn’t believe the prices on those dolls… some of them more than a month’s wage for our neighbors.

And the salon… what ever happened to kids doing their own dolls’ hair and putting make up on them. Different era I guess…

A is so used to the kids overseas. They are very communal so toys are shared, food is shared, drinks are shared, you always bring enough for everyone, or give it up for the white girl… so when we got here and A was playing with kids like at the library and she had that mentality, kids looked at her funny and made walls for her not to cross to keep their space. We have experienced this communal environment with friends here, but overseas you do that with even strangers, so I think A was going through culture shock too because the kids were telling her that it was their space and stuff… poor girl.

Clothes are another culture shocker. People overseas like “western” clothes too and some wear western style clothes, but most women where we lived wore long pants/skirt, long shirt covering arms and bottoms and a head covering. I remember having conversations about modesty with P. I never really understood, but after being in such an environment and coming back here, I could see the contrast of it all. I read in the Bible about modesty for women… something about earrings… just was looking for it… can’t find it, but anyway… I really feel convicted of dressing modestly, now more than ever. I have to admit it’s hard when all they sell are those kinds of clothes. Like the other day I went to buy jeans, all they had were ultralow jeans and I’ve been looking for tanks that come up to my collarbone… can’t find it… anyway when I look at women and see what they are showing, sometimes I find myself having to look away and I think woah, then check myself.

Another culture shock for me that keeps coming out at me is all the advertisements on the highways with women in bikinis or nothing with arms around them with a phone number or address. I just couldn’t believe it. I know they were here before I left, but man it just hits you in a different way after being away. I couldn’t believe how immune we are to it and it’s nothing to so many when it’s SIN hanging all over the city… all over the world. How are we protecting our kids from that when it’s all over??? I am by no means saying there is no sin of that nature where we were, but it was not plastered all over for anyone and everyone to see. Hidden or shown, sin is sin, but I just felt like it’s easier when you’re advertising it on the highway.

There is much much more, but these are pretty much the big ones. I am really trying to keep an open mind, but I think it’ll take time to get used to all this again too. A and I are processing a lot. I mean along with the grieving… trying to balance our cultures and everything that’s happened over these months and years.

Thanks for reading. I would like to apologize if I have offended anyone by any comment. It is not to any one person, again these are just reactions to my reverse culture shock.

Remembering

I'm not sure if this is part of dealing with death or if it's just me or whatever. I've been praying God give me good memories of P. It's been hard to think of P and not think of the last month that he was at school, let alone the last few days with him. So when I think of him, I get discouraged because those are the thoughts that come up and it's hard.
So I prayed that the Lord will give good memories. But instead I got this idea to write down all the things that came into mind when I wanted to think of him. I think the Lord is guiding me through this... I mean what crazy person would want to write down every detail they could remember of the last month with their husband that passed?
In the past few days that is exactly what I did. I journaled everything I remembered of the last month... It filled up 7 pages, typed. From the moment he left for school til the day he went to be with the Lord. As hard as it was, through times of having to stop to cry and remembering I feel a little better. I feel like there is some kind of closure to that month. There is still so much more of that month... plus the days that followed... but that could come at a later time. I'm really thankful the Lord helped me to go through those memories and deal with them, as hard as it was.
Please pray for me as sometimes I think even the enemy could use memories to hold a person back. Please pray that I will always rely on Jesus... no matter what the enemy brings... even death.

For who you are

For who you are

Standing here In your presence
Thinking of the good things you have done~
Waiting here, Patiently Just to hear the still small voice again

Holy righteous Faithful til the end
Savior healer Redeemer and friend

I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
Jesus

My soul secure
Your promise sure
Your love endures
Always

Tonight I went to evening church called Encounter at my church. The whole ride there was kind of stressful with Anna not wanting to go to church because then she would have to be away from me. The thing is she has lots of fun with the kids, but just the initial separation makes her a little anxious.

The message was great. Hard, but extremely good and I want to publicly tell our pastor what a great job he is doing.

Actually I think it's extremely amazing how personal the messages are, but I don't think it was intended for just me. Like the morning service is doing a series on worship... the first Sunday I went the series began and I had just finished reading one of P's last journals and all he wrote about was worship. I thought... wow... God you are really speaking to me.

Anyway... on the way home from church I was listening to Hillsong (the song above) and cried worshipping. What an amazing song. The chorus I sang with all my heart... wanting to do more than even that. He is good and I just pray as some days may be darker and harder, I could continue to worship Him for who He is...

The messages I heard yesterday, was really good and I also pray that I could always be that hungry for the word.

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place, but hopefully I make sense.