grass

today to remember the third month, i took A to memory park after her nap. i don't know why, but i cried the whole way there. it's been about two weeks since we've been there and i felt like in a way i hadn't seen him in so long. i wouldn't say i was excited to go, but just this feeling of... i don't know... anyway we got there and when we got to his spot there was grass. finally there is grass growing on what once just was dirt. i cried. i don't know what it was about the grass... another sign of truth that he is gone... i don't know, but i cried. it was a weird feeling. then i thought, "oh man when the headstone goes on..." memory park... it was good to go there. as usual A and i took a snack and something fun for A to do... after a while though, i noticed a flock of geese coming toward us... with longing looks for our snack... so i picked up everything and left. :)

three months

today marks the third month. wow... three months. can't believe it's only been three months. how come though does it feel like it's been so long ago? was thinking about some things this morning and found myself in tears... miss him so much. sometimes i just think, "where is he?" sometimes i wonder what he's doing. sometimes i wonder what we would be doing if he was here.

i have no idea what this means, but i wasn't able to say the words dead, death, died, dying... for a while... it seems that i've come to a point where i say it, but wonder if it means anything to me at this point. do i say it just because it's true and i have to admit it? do i really believe it? it's hard i have to say that not only is P gone, but our dreams, future, promises, plans, everything that was P and E is gone. i feel it more and more everyday that it's not just him who is gone. i realize that half of me, sometimes even more than half of me is missing and i just have to make myself whole again... oh Lord how do i do that? does it even happen? did i just loose that half and it's forever gone? how do i make myself whole again when the one that made me whole is not here? all these questions rise as i sit here and think "it's not a dream. it's still happening."

A has been asking great questions and missing him so much in her own little way. she says she wants to go to heaven to play with toys with daddy. she says she wants to hold him and kiss him. yesterday after getting her ears pierced she said she wanted to show her daddy. and as hard as it is for me, i thank God from the bottom of my heart that she is longing for him like that. what a daddy huh to make a 2 1/2 year old, that most people think would know nothing, miss him so much? i think my little girl is awesome and pray that she will always remember her daddy like she does now.

so three months... i was remembering after P and i have been dating for three months, he gave me three little gifts and one of them was a jar of quarters. i was collecting at that time quarters from the different states, so he had been saving them for me to go through to see if i could find one i did not have. in the card that came with the gifts he mentioned three months being a "quarter" of a year and how he couldn't wait to see how many "quarters" God would have us together. around 18 quarters we spent together...

my first quarter without him was... i don't even know what word to put... terrible? crushing? horrible? lifeless? scary? empty? i don't even know ... but it was and i dread the next quarters, but pray that however many quarters it takes, in the end i will come out saying, "BLESSED BE YOUR NAME Lord you are good".

thanks to many of you who are praying for A and i. i recently saw on the korean news of an entertainer who died. i saw how the wife is now in the mental health ward of a hospital due to the trauma of her husband's death. i was so glad that i have Jesus to hold me through this. i think of all the prayers that are carrying us through this. i thought how sad it was for that woman that she didn't have Jesus through her pain. then i thought of many people in this world that do not know Jesus and do not have a relationship with Him and think what will they do when someone close to them dies or tragedy hits or if they die themselves... do they know for sure that they will go to heaven?

A and i will forever be in the Lord's hands. please pray that through all this, we will come out saying how good our God is.

help...

last week i started seeing a counselor. i was and still am really excited about it. after the first session, i thought, "woah this is going to be really hard", but from the beginning when i asked PR to find a good counselor, i had a desire to go through this grieving in a healthy way. honestly at first i thought if i told people i was seeing a counselor they would think that i was totally loosing it, but affirmation from people walking me through this thought it was good. it's a good way not to loose it i think...

i have only been to two sessions and i think the first one was just introducing... the second one got a little more into the meat of things. like i said, it's going to be hard. please pray for me as i take steps with the counselor in this grieving/tragedy/trauma process.

GREAT NEWS... A has been working at getting her ears pierced. She was asking a few weeks ago about getting her ears pierced. i just told her, let's think about it... but a good friend, TR, had a fabulous idea. she asked if there is anything i wanted A to do on her own. SLEEPING IN HER OWN ROOM. TR told me to use that... so i told A if she slept in her room for 10 nights, then she could get her ears pierced. for each night she got a sticker. today was the day. the tenth sticker went up. so i took her to get our ears pierced. i got a second hole in and she got her first one. we had friends and family there and she was so brave. i went first to show her how it was done, then she went. yes she cried, but i told her to remember that she's the one that wanted it. :) the crying didn't last long. she was happily playing with her friends afterward. and when someone asked her to see it, she showed off her earrings. it was really cute and i think she looks really cute. yeah A!!!

**more pictures on facebook**

scattered

i feel scattered lately. my brain in foggy and i'm sometimes wondering what i was saying or doing right after i start. i am really congested and just tired. it's only 7:30 right now and i'm ready for bed. so after this i am going to sleep.

we have been busy these days and i don't really like that. i feel like i loose perspective on life and i'm just moving on without really settling everything i need to. i'm not really ready either to go on the pace of everyone else. i get exhausted by mid-day... emotionally and physically. just need a nap.

that's it for now.

birthday

had a birthday without P. anticipated tears... feared how i would feel... it came and left... tears did come... what i feared did happen... all those mixed emotions... hurt, pain, happy it's a day of celebration... wishing he was here to make it the right amount of special he had always made it. thought of my birthdays we shared... smiled, cried, missed it... thankful so many people made it special in another way all at the same time having some kind of empty feeling. what are all those feelings?

had a great time with T and A. did lots of fun things, but just loved being with them. again going with mixed emotions and not knowing what to do with all of it. loved seeing everyone then thought of how P and i planned to visit them together. at dinner one night, i thought, if P was here... and then thought of how much fun the four of us would have together. thanks guys for the crab picking, bucketball, T for the late night talks... actually thanks for everything you've done... i love you and so does A.

as the plane was landing here i got really sad. after trips or things i do on my own, usually i get so excited to get to P and tell him everything we did... even if it was like an hour outing... i thought of how i didn't have him to tell every little detail... how he wasn't going to be home, but all at the same time being thankful that i had a home. weird huh? all these emotions that i have to deal with.

thanks for praying for our trip... we had great traveling despite the weather.

please pray as we get back to our own schedule... i was spoiled for four days... slept in the whole time i was with A and T and they took care of her!!!

proud of you

today i had an awesome day. my family who adopted A and i took us with them for their labor day picnic. we drove down to lincoln park zoo, parked the car and biked to some very fun places. we rode to millenium park then to the northerly beach to a secret park and then back. it was like a four hour adventure. i rode with A in a buggie behind me, but because i was new at all this, R had to take the hills... thanks R, i don't know if i could have don't it without you. you're strong. A had a great time with all the kids and didn't want to come home it was so much fun.

i do have to say that throughout the adventure i had one thought in mind, "if only P could see what i'm doing... he'd be so proud of me". (he also would have not let me bike our daughter around like i did... he's a little protective) anyway... i just think, if only i could somehow tell him what i did today...

it was a fun adventurous day and i hope to have more of those as days go on... it makes me feel like i have accomplished something on my own.

please pray for us as we are going on a trip to see some friends, actually they are more like family, for several days. please pray for safe travels and a quick one for A. this is my first trip with just A and i, so pray that i could do everything right, or at least close to it.

Whoosh

the sound of the weeks going by... whoosh. it's already the last weekend of august and going into labor day marking september.

this week again has just flown by.

monday i took A on a picnic to where P and i went on dates a few times. it was great weather and lots of fun. that afternoon we then went to the park with neighbors and ended the day with dinner at a family friends house. i feel like going on that picnic took the place of going to memory park because we were remembering him.

tuesday i ran errands with A and stayed home since both of us were kind of under the weather.

wednesday we went with friends to the music box to see "the little mermaid" sing a long. it was a lot of fun. A and her friend really enjoyed it. i was sad though thinking how much i wished P was there with us.

thursday A and i helped a friend out and that turned out to be one very nice day. i actually had adult conversations and it was deep and meaningful. i really enjoyed it. then we went and celebrated my sister's birthday. this day was funny because A wanted to talk to her grandparents. so i think we called them like four times because she wanted to talk to grandma and grandpa. grandpa was golfing and she told him she did that last week. :)

today i was feeling a little sick. i have a slight ear infection, so just not doing real well. but in the afternoon, we attended a birthday party and A had so much fun. she loved the rides and the kids. she's growing up so fast. on the way to the party though, she made me cry. we were talking about daddy for some reason and she says, "i want daddy, i want to hug him, please A hug daddy". i just cried. i told her i wanted to hug him too.

we are doing well. i am working hard at trying to help her process. i really want wisdom in this. i keep asking friends "where is the manual?". but really please pray that everyday we could process together in a good healthy way. i feel like these past two days have been really good. so please lift us up.

i want to thank those of you who take my calls and listen to me under any circumstance without judgment or whatever. i really appreciate that. i love you guys.

please pray for us as we grieve, but also as i think of our future and continually listen to the Lord. i know it's not like i need to make a decision right now, but i know that God could definitely start stirring in my heart His desires as i am working through things. so please pray for that.