How are you?

A lot of people ask how I’m doing and I tend to give the generic answer of, “I’m okay.” The thing is for a long time I wasn’t okay. I just want to share where I’m at right now before going on this adventure so you all could pray for me.

When P first went to be with the Lord, I was really “out of my mind”. I had a lot of different emotions and never knew which one I was to deal with first. As time passed I started to hate P and God and didn’t want to have anything to do with either of them, but at the same time only having God to turn to with such difficult questions and situations and only being in thoughts of P. I feel like I had been in that stage for a while…. Questioning whether I was going to trust God again or not. Despite all of that, I still had only God to turn to. How humbling is that?

I have to say that where I am at now is all due to the many who have gotten down on their knees in prayer for myself and also A.

The Lord is good… I am very nervous and mixed up about this trip that I will take tomorrow, but I am so thankful for the Lord’s leading me to where I am.

I caught myself a few times, actually a lot of times, wallowing in the thought of, “how could I do this by myself?” or “he should be here.” or “poor A.” or “why me?” But some time last week, as I was feeling sorry for myself and saying, “uh he should be here for this, I shouldn’t be doing this alone.” I felt the Lord say, “yes E, this is exactly where I want you and you’ll be fine, I’m here.” And what more did I need than the Lord telling me this.

Another encounter I had was when I was so mad that P was gone, again all this in about a week’s time. I was so mad at God and P, but again I felt the Lord ask, “could you live without me?” Of course not. My days are dark without P, but I know that it would get better, but my days without God… that’s nothing I even want to think about.

So these past two weeks have been like so good for me and I feel like it’s such a blessing to be at this place before I leave for the trip. Though the trip will be so tough, I know that God has already gone before me to prepare my time. I also know that I will come back and have a hard time, but again, what a blessing to have a loving Father covering over that time. I am in utter dependence of Him and the thing is, I could do this… this thing called life… I could do it without P because even though I don’t have P, God is there.

The ultimate thing is this. God had a plan with P. He had a plan with P and me. He then had a plan with P, E and A. But P’s gone, really no other way to put it. I could spend every day thinking about how he’s gone and I’m alone and living that, being stuck with that or be grateful for the days we had together, learn from it (which of course I am who I am now because of him), and continue my walk with God, be real with Him (whether it is anger or all the other emotions) and let Him lead my next steps in hopes of seeing P again in heaven, which I’m really looking forward to. I also know that sometimes to take a few steps forward means you have to take one step back, but again just knowing even though that is the case, that God is with me.

My fears once were that if I allowed myself to even think about “what’s next?” that meant I am forgetting P, but I now know I will never forget him. P not only is A’s daddy (which is the biggest thing), but he has had such an impact on my life that no matter what, he will always be in my memories and life.

So I ask that you pray for me as I embark on this journey I will continue to remember what I experienced this week. Please also pray that I could continue to be real with Him and myself. I fear that since I am at a good place, that I may try to be strong and not fall into sadness, but sadness is not bad… I’m going to close a great chapter in my book of life and it’s going to be hard and full of lots of tears… but it’ll be good because God is good. So pray that I will remember that and not try to hold it together. Also pray for A. Tonight in her bath we were talking about our trip and she asked, “why daddy can’t be there in Indonesia?” She really misses him, why wouldn’t she right? But please pray that there won’t be a sense of abandonment but that she could really feel at peace and understand as much as a little two year old could.

I’ll try to blog while I’m there, but if not, please just keep us in your prayers, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you all...

break through

this weekend our fellowship had a conference that was amazing. i was so proud that AB could be there and represent God in such a way. it was good to have AB and T here. it was really good. i also got to be a little part of this conference and i feel like it's a break through for me. i won't go into detail, but i am excited that i got to share (although at the time i felt so nervous that i thought maybe i would throw up) and that i feel again that the Lord is good and He's totally in control of what is to come next.

it was a good and fun day. in the morning i got to do my sharing and had an awesome service. lunch was at church and we even got to see the new baby that PR and T had... we're so excited for CPDB to have come. life means so much more... thank you God for babies... anyway after lunch, A and i had a good nap. then grandma L and R went to the thrift store for our church old school service in the evening. people were supposed to dress up in decades outfits. grandma L and grandpa G and i got prizes for having the best outfits... :) i didn't get to have an acceptance speech, but thanks to R i won the prize... she was my stylist.

God is amazing in that He's giving me this to enjoy here so as i leave for our two week trip, i could have memories through the tough times. memories of how far He has brought me... that i could again see Him in the midst of hardship while i face big things.

i haven't really thought about what's going to happen in four days because of getting ready for this weekend, but i think tomorrow it will hit... we're leaving on our trip. we leave this thursday and will be gone for two weeks. it's going to be good, so real, but good... so hard, but good...

please pray for us!!! we need it. all of us!!!

one more week

isn't it amazing that it's already the end of the month and A and i have one more week until we go on an adventure. it's crazy how fast it came and that we are really going. i am thankful that the Lord has given me a sense of peace these past few days. i really am happy that He is letting me know that He is in control. i just need to rely on Him. how amazing is that...

this peace has come in a variety of areas... i think i could handle being alone, without P... i went to a bible study last weekend and was scared going to it because i didn't know what it would be like going to a bible study without P, but God is good. i had a great time. yes it was hard, but i got over that and actually enjoyed myself with the people i was with. i have peace about my future... i think i could handle taking care of both A and myself, not because i'm a super mom, but because again God is in control and i could sense that He is guiding me. i have peace about A... i think she'll grow up to be a godly woman... when P and i decided to try having a baby, we didn't know how long it would take or if God would even permit us to have one... but in His goodness He granted us a beautiful little girl and i know that she's more His than she is mine. i have peace about work... i haven't starting looking yet, but praying because soon i know i will have to work... even that i know that God is going before me... i could sense it. He always has been that for me... going before me and preparing something greater than anything i could imagine. so even though it still hurts and i still have cloudy days, i'm going to trust that my Abba is with me and that even in this He is preparing something great... greater than i could ever imagine.

i thank God for letting me have this peace before i go back because for a while, i didn't know if i could even trust God. i'm glad i could go, knowing that even though life is going to still suck for a while, i know with all my heart that i could trust Him... the thing is, when i go back, i'll go through doubts again because of all that i have to see, the people i will meet... all that i had to leave behind... memories, our home... all that will make me feel all mixed up again, but God's been working in my heart these past few weeks to kind of let me know i could trust Him again... and again just letting me know that it's going to be okay.

thank you to all of you out there praying for A and me. i know that i have come this far through your prayers and God will continue to listen to those prayers. i'd like to ask that you would continue to pray throughout our trip and for days to come. we really appreciate it.

God is good...

knees and rugburn

tonight i found myself thinking about the time i walked into our office in the house and found P on his prayer rug on his knees praying. that wasn't my first time, but for some reason that exact moment comes to mind. he was fervently praying. i had called him a few times and walked into the room and still he did not know i had been looking for him. our house is small... i couldn't imagine where he could be let alone him not being able to hear me. but i startled him. i fell in love with him again that moment... what a man i thought to myself...

i remember him telling me that in high school he wanted to be known as a person who prays. he went to church in the mornings to pray, but one morning he asked that there could be some sign that he was a man that prayed. that day he walked around with a rugburn on his forehead. he was on his knees with his head to the carpeted church floor, that his forehead turned red...

why i thought of these things? i'm getting ready for an event at our church this weekend and i just thought of P. i married an awesome man!!!

that days are coming closer and closer to us going.... 9 more days.

light at end of tunnel

today marks four months since P went home to be with the Lord. today was also the service for Grandpa R. I didn't do much to help with the service, but i was around while the others cut, pasted, printed, copy, talked, shared, laughed... it was kind of therapeutic for me.

tonight during the service P was mentioned and i cried... Grandpa R and P together in heaven... what a picture, neither have to suffer pain again.

i was thinking about something tonight as i was in the shower... how some people like Grandpa R and P just live life to the fullest... they really live for God just out of love for Him... then there are some people that may have lived for God, but after seeing lives such as Grandpa R or P get convicted to live better... then there are people like me, who also lived for God and then get hit with something unexpected... totally life changing, mind changing and soul changing and you're left with this choice as to whether to keep hanging on to God, or just leaving Him (which i have thought of). then there are people out there that are searching for answers to all life's questions... then there are people who don't care and don't know God.

the thing i thought of in the shower is this... no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow... no one knows whose turn is going to be next... i know lots of people say this, but do we really think about it. i mean we could make plans and plans, but if God says, "sorry no that's not my plan, just come home" then that's it... so i think of the phrase carpe diem - "seize the day". do we all live this way?

Grandpa R was blessed to have a full 92 years of life and P was blessed with 29, but again, i feel like both did a good job. i can't speak for Grandpa R, but i know P would make this own time sheets and carry it around in his wallet tallying how many hours he was spending in Kingdom work. this is not because they are better, but they really longed to serve the Lord... their heart was all there... where is our heart?

i mentioned how i am in a situation where due to circumstances i have been mad at God and wanted to give up this relationship with Him... He hurt me... but the thing is i know the truth is sin did this to me. God didn't want death, but when sin entered... that's when this crazy hurtful thing called death entered. so i think of what my life would be like without God... could i tell you, that no matter how mad i get at God and how my future scares the crap out of me, i am so much more afraid of my life without God... i mean i am scared... i can't even imagine it and if i try i just shake in utter fear... because God breathed life to me... He is my everything... so really in the end, yes i am hurt... shattered into pieces, but it would be absolutely nothing without God. i do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

the other day for some reason i felt peaceful... i thought of P, but not really sad, but just peaceful... that night i had a really good conversation with a friend about life... and after that call i felt like i could do this. that life will one day be okay... that i'm going to breath and it's not going to sting my heart... that i'm going to see pictures and smile... that i am going to be okay... and it rejuvenated me... and then i know that God is answering not only my prayers, but hundreds of people's prayer.

i have had these days before... i was told that one of maria sue chapman (steven curtis chapman's daughter) siblings said that grief is like a winding road... you go around one bend and it's a beautiful meadow... you go around another and it's pitch dark... so true and i pray for that family as well as myself... that no matter what is around that bend... God will be there too, because really life is terrifying without Him even on the good sunny days.

please pray for us as we are only a couple weeks away from leaving for indonesia. pray for us as we prepare... pray for us as we are there... pray for us as we come back... emotionally, physically and spiritually.

no matter what... hard

Grandma L has lost her dad. Grandma B has lost her husband... i was talking to GL last night. they had been preparing for Grandpa R's death for quite some time and even in this last week, they were told it's only going to be a while. some people think that's easier when you know, but really it's not. what's the difference if you know beforehand or not if someone is going to die... the thing is that the person is with you til the day they die and then there is this emptiness you still have to deal with, whether you are prepared or not. you just notice the empty seat... or the seat that they usually sit in... or you notice the wife without the husband or vise versa... i'm sure to some extent you are prepared for it more, but the thing is, the missing and loss is still there.

the house has been a little busy with people coming in and out preparing for the funeral. last night i told GL that i am kind of living vicariously through them. i didn't get to be with family preparing the funeral and talking about memories, i was miles and miles away... i didn't get all that i am seeing them do... so it's nice to see how it could have been and thankful that i get to somehow be a part of this one.

truck

this weekend, A and i joined our high schoolers on a fall retreat in michigan. the actual retreat was from friday to monday. A and i went up saturday. it was the most beautiful drive ever. it was really nice enjoying God's creation, the changing of colors on the trees, but at the same time really sad thinking how P really enjoys autumn (and spring too), when the seasons change. anyway it was a real good drive there.

i didn't do anything up there, but thanks guys for inviting us anyway. it was good to be in nature and the students. most of the students were once P's students. it was good to talk to a few about him. they miss him too.

on the way back was when i cried so much. not because of the retreat, but as i drove home, 20 minutes into the drive, i saw a blue truck. the truck did not have a carton on the back like the other trucks, he must have been going home. anyway, on his truck was printed, "missin' my girls". i cried so hard... that's what P called us, his girls, and i just thought how he always said that, even if he was just gone for a two hour class. my heart was so sad.

...

Grandpa R passed away while we were at camp. he is the grandpa of the family we live with. i've only met him a handful of times, but heard about him from P. pray for the family. i know that they had been planning this for a while, but still missing him is a huge thing.

16 more days until we leave.