the Lord has been leading me to certain parts of the Bible to read. i just finished the book of John and i absolutely loved it. two weeks ago as i was praying through some things, the Lord prompted me to read John. what power... Jesus is so powerful and i just love the stories and His power. how could you read and not see the power and greatness of our Lord and Savior. i went crazy in underlining verses and writing in things between... it was amazing.
the verse i feel i loved the most in John this time around was John 8:58. "i tell you the truth," Jesus answered, "before Abraham was born, I AM!" I AM... i just loved that power and authority He spoke. i loved it.
after reading John, i felt the Lord leading me to deuteronomy. i just read my lesson on deuteronomy for my class and know it's a review for the second generation of what happened in the wilderness. so it's moses talking the whole time. i just started it, but i was reading chapter 1 verses 29-31...
"then i said to you, "do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. the Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. there you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.""
i know moses was talking to the israelites, but i applied it to me... God has been going before me and working things out for me before i even get there and i felt Him carrying me to the place that i am now, which is far better than the place i was at before. what a great God we have.
**please pray for A and i as we are going out of town from monday-thursday for some meetings. please pray for safety in travel and a good time. please also lift us up as we have had several rough days emotionally. we really appreciate your prayers.**
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
single and taxes
mornings have been rough for me for a couple weeks. i have been up doing things at night and so when A wakes up i am so not ready for her. it got a little better once i taught her to turn on the dvd player and tv (please don't judge me). this morning though i think we both were at our last straw. A likes me to get up with her and i'd like her to sleep some more. i asked A to go start a movie and i would join her in a little bit and she said that she wanted me to come with her. finally she walked out to bring me the movie she wanted to see. when i asked her to go put it on, she had the saddest puppy dog face and said, "i miss daddy" and started to cry. poor girl... that was her special time with daddy... the mornings would be daddy and A time because i would do the night runs with her. he would make his coffee and get her milk. then he would turn on a dvd for her while he did his quiet time. being a single mom is hard. we need daddy. so we laid in bed crying thinking of the mornings she had with her daddy and the mornings i would have to sleep in.
then i went to go do my taxes. my friend, LC, watched A while i went to do them. (thank you!) i wasn't sure what to expect, but when i got to the office we just did mine, but then she realized that i had to do a joint one with P. i started feeling sick. so she took down the information and when she typed "deceased" next to his name i just wanted to run... then on one of the pages it had - age as of 01/01/2009 - and after P's it said 30 and i just wanted to be in my room... he didn't quite make it to 30... uh... why do we do taxes anyway...
singleness and taxes took a toll on me today. who knew... how it would just be so different if he were here.
then i went to go do my taxes. my friend, LC, watched A while i went to do them. (thank you!) i wasn't sure what to expect, but when i got to the office we just did mine, but then she realized that i had to do a joint one with P. i started feeling sick. so she took down the information and when she typed "deceased" next to his name i just wanted to run... then on one of the pages it had - age as of 01/01/2009 - and after P's it said 30 and i just wanted to be in my room... he didn't quite make it to 30... uh... why do we do taxes anyway...
singleness and taxes took a toll on me today. who knew... how it would just be so different if he were here.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
let me not live in fear
A fell of a ladder at the park on tuesday as she was on the way to go down the slide. it really shook me as much as i wanted to play it cool. friday she went potty in the morning and there was blood in her urine... that scared me so much. i went straight for the phone to call the doctor. it ended up being nothing... a paramedic friend says that if a kid is hit hard or falls and hits the stomach some way that a little blood could pass through that... then i remembered tuesday's fall. last night she was up coughing and crying because her leg hurt. i feel like she goes through leg pains when she's growing. it comes and goes, but last night i sat on the chair in her room next to her bed crying... thoughts running through my head, not knowing if i could handle another sickness. i know it was nothing, that it was only a cold and her growing, but i had fear run through my veins... i prayed for her health and safety, but ended by asking the Lord to give me the strength to endure it if by His plan A was supposed to go before me. God's given me such grace as i walked through the darkness of losing P that i know if it had to be, He would show me the same grace and even greater if need be. i do fear that it will happen again. my fear has been lessening since P's death. i was terrified in the beginning thinking something will happen to A or myself... always on the lookout, of what i cannot tell you, but i was. now i feel i am trusting Him more, but last night fear came again. Lord let me not live in fear. Lord let me know that i am secure in your arms. That all you do you have control over and nothing takes you by surprise.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
reflection
today as i was reading through the bible for my quiet time, i read a story that i've probably read a lot of times growing up, but today as i read it, i was brought to tears. the story is about the death of lazarus (john 11).
Jesus was told about lazarus' sickness and he says, "this sickness will not end in death. no, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it." (v.4) as i read that i cried thinking of P. i remembered being in the hallway of the ICU minutes before the doctor came out to tell me P had gone to be with the Lord, bargaining with God for P's life. and i felt like this verse was being said to me, months after... P's sickness will not lead to death... he's alive... alive now more than ever. Jesus explains that in v. 25 saying "i am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." P knew that and so though his body died, his spirit is now with Christ living, alive now more than ever... and in v.4 he says that it's so that God's son may be glorified through it and i cried again thinking how God is using P's death to bring glory to himself. it makes no sense in our human understanding, but it's perfect in God's. P had such a hunger for knowing God's glory... and so he wrote the following...
WHAT IS GOD MOST CONCERNED WITH?
His concern is not that I am popular or likable.
Noah was the laughingstock of the community when he was building the ark.
His concern is not with my health.
He took away Job’s and gave it back when he saw fit.
His concern is not to keep me at home.
He asked Abraham to leave for the unknown.
His concern is not that I understand his plan.
Against all logic, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, the long awaited fulfillment of God’s promise.
His concern is not that my life be “fair.”
Joseph was thrown in a well, sold to slavery, and then imprisoned for a false accusation.
His concern is not with my abilities and talents.
He used a scared man with a speech impediment to be His spokesman to Egypt.
His concern is not that I feel good about myself or see the fruit of my labor.
Moses never saw the promise land.
His concern is not with my interests.
Jonah was sent to do what he didn’t want to do in a place he didn’t want to go.
His concern is not that I have friends.
David felt as though all his friends had betrayed him.
His concern is not my dignity.
Jeremiah had to run around naked.
His concern is not first for my family.
Ezekiel’s wife was taken from him.
His concern is not for my comfort.
He had Jeremiah lie on his side for over a year.
His concern is not that I become wealthy.
Jesus asked the rich man to give it all up.
His concern is not with my plans and schedule.
Lazarus was not healed when his family asked, but Jesus let him die to raise him later.
His concern is not for me to have a restful retirement.
Paul spent his last years in prison.
His concern is not for my safety.
Stephen among others was killed.
His concern is not that I have an easy life.
Paul was stoned, shipwrecked, hungry, sleepless, beaten and imprisoned.
God loves us and really does cares about every aspect of our lives,
But He has one main concern.
His concern is that we glorify Him as God give him his rightful place in our lives.
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever!
i think it about now daily on how i may bring glory to Him and knowing that the main purpose for my existence is to bring that glory to Him. praying ever so humbly that i may be used in that way.
i feel the important thing to remember is that everything was not ours to begin with. i love the image of our pastor, PR, standing on the stage with his outstretched arms. an image of giving everything before the Lord and saying use me because it wasn't ours to begin with... what an awesome image. so when i feel like i need to give something up to the Lord i remember that image and do it myself... outstretched arms telling God i'm all His and letting Him know He could do with me what He wants because i want to live for His glory.
i do have to say... i am human so i make so many mistakes and find myself giving up that old self over and over and over again.
God is good. if i could say one thing that would be it... He is good.
right before Jesus raises lazarus from the dead, Jesus asks, "did i not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" after that he raises him from the dead and people got to see the glory of God through that miracle.
i was talking to a friend tonight. as she and i were talking i told her, i would not choose what happened to me to happen, but i do love the way the Lord is meeting me in such an intimate way throughout this journey and it couldn't have come without what happened. how do you even process that, but it's true and i love Him for bruising me in order to heal me.
Jesus was told about lazarus' sickness and he says, "this sickness will not end in death. no, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it." (v.4) as i read that i cried thinking of P. i remembered being in the hallway of the ICU minutes before the doctor came out to tell me P had gone to be with the Lord, bargaining with God for P's life. and i felt like this verse was being said to me, months after... P's sickness will not lead to death... he's alive... alive now more than ever. Jesus explains that in v. 25 saying "i am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." P knew that and so though his body died, his spirit is now with Christ living, alive now more than ever... and in v.4 he says that it's so that God's son may be glorified through it and i cried again thinking how God is using P's death to bring glory to himself. it makes no sense in our human understanding, but it's perfect in God's. P had such a hunger for knowing God's glory... and so he wrote the following...
WHAT IS GOD MOST CONCERNED WITH?
His concern is not that I am popular or likable.
Noah was the laughingstock of the community when he was building the ark.
His concern is not with my health.
He took away Job’s and gave it back when he saw fit.
His concern is not to keep me at home.
He asked Abraham to leave for the unknown.
His concern is not that I understand his plan.
Against all logic, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, the long awaited fulfillment of God’s promise.
His concern is not that my life be “fair.”
Joseph was thrown in a well, sold to slavery, and then imprisoned for a false accusation.
His concern is not with my abilities and talents.
He used a scared man with a speech impediment to be His spokesman to Egypt.
His concern is not that I feel good about myself or see the fruit of my labor.
Moses never saw the promise land.
His concern is not with my interests.
Jonah was sent to do what he didn’t want to do in a place he didn’t want to go.
His concern is not that I have friends.
David felt as though all his friends had betrayed him.
His concern is not my dignity.
Jeremiah had to run around naked.
His concern is not first for my family.
Ezekiel’s wife was taken from him.
His concern is not for my comfort.
He had Jeremiah lie on his side for over a year.
His concern is not that I become wealthy.
Jesus asked the rich man to give it all up.
His concern is not with my plans and schedule.
Lazarus was not healed when his family asked, but Jesus let him die to raise him later.
His concern is not for me to have a restful retirement.
Paul spent his last years in prison.
His concern is not for my safety.
Stephen among others was killed.
His concern is not that I have an easy life.
Paul was stoned, shipwrecked, hungry, sleepless, beaten and imprisoned.
God loves us and really does cares about every aspect of our lives,
But He has one main concern.
His concern is that we glorify Him as God give him his rightful place in our lives.
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever!
i think it about now daily on how i may bring glory to Him and knowing that the main purpose for my existence is to bring that glory to Him. praying ever so humbly that i may be used in that way.
i feel the important thing to remember is that everything was not ours to begin with. i love the image of our pastor, PR, standing on the stage with his outstretched arms. an image of giving everything before the Lord and saying use me because it wasn't ours to begin with... what an awesome image. so when i feel like i need to give something up to the Lord i remember that image and do it myself... outstretched arms telling God i'm all His and letting Him know He could do with me what He wants because i want to live for His glory.
i do have to say... i am human so i make so many mistakes and find myself giving up that old self over and over and over again.
God is good. if i could say one thing that would be it... He is good.
right before Jesus raises lazarus from the dead, Jesus asks, "did i not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" after that he raises him from the dead and people got to see the glory of God through that miracle.
i was talking to a friend tonight. as she and i were talking i told her, i would not choose what happened to me to happen, but i do love the way the Lord is meeting me in such an intimate way throughout this journey and it couldn't have come without what happened. how do you even process that, but it's true and i love Him for bruising me in order to heal me.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
my desire
God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in HIM - John Piper
Lord you are enough for me. I want to be most satisfied in you so I could bring you glory. I desire to be the living sacrifice... I stand before you with open arms letting you know everything is YOURS, all of me, everything i have. Lord will you take the little I have and use it for your glory for your kingdom? Let me hear your voice as you speak to me in my life.
Lord you are enough for me. I want to be most satisfied in you so I could bring you glory. I desire to be the living sacrifice... I stand before you with open arms letting you know everything is YOURS, all of me, everything i have. Lord will you take the little I have and use it for your glory for your kingdom? Let me hear your voice as you speak to me in my life.
Monday, March 16, 2009
9 months
my friend is pregnant and is due in a few weeks. i was thinking about how in 9 months so much could happen in a pregnancy... this little rice size thing grows to be a little baby then enters the world usually 9 months later to conquer it per se. today marks nine months since P went to be with the Lord. i think of all that's happened in these 9 months of my life and also in A's life. God has been so good to us and has brought us out of such darkness. He has shone light into our life and ever so gently guided us out of that darkness. there are still days of gloomy and cloudy days, but after that storm you see the rainbow... a promise from God.
so here i am 9 months later and so humbled by the way God first carried me, then walked me, then started to go before for me to follow, through this time of my life. i am kind of like the baby in the womb ready to come out and conquer the world, take steps to follow Christ in a bold way because He first loved me. God had given me courage and peace throughout this time... Lord please lead me to do your will and be willing to be open and listen to your will for me.
nine months... don't know what else happens in nine months other than a pregnancy, but... that's a lot of growing, changing and developing. i'm not saying it's over... but i do sense a new spirit in me... God's always at work in me, but i really enjoy that He hears my every word.
i'm reading a book with a group of girl friends called "better than my dreams" by paula rinehart and there are some really good things about how God works through our disappointments and expectations in life. She writes, "He wounds-in order to heal. He dismantles and exposes, so that we might know his cleansing love in the deeper reaches of our being." (p. 40) how awesome is that... i know this is not even a comparable example, but i think of the mistakes i allow A to make so she'll learn... and that's what i am doing. i was wounded, but God dug deep into my being to make me who i am now... and really what do you say but thank you God for loving me and allowing me to know you in such an intimate way.
the author also refers to c.s. lewis' book "the problem of pain" and quotes "God whispers to us in our pleasures, but shouts to us in our pains." (p. 41) how awesome is that... He wants to be there for us and wants us to hear of His love for us. c.s. lewis also called God's willingness to bruise in order to heal an intolerable compliment. so if he bruises us to heal us and shouts at us knowing it's hard... i think that's a pretty amazing God.
this past weekend, i was reading john and i was struck by a verse... the pharisees are asking Jesus if He Himself thought He was better than Abraham because Abraham is their patriarch and how dare Jesus say that... then Jesus answers by stating He was before Abraham then says, "I AM". now how awesome is that... HE IS. how powerful is that statement. I AM. i just love the power in that...
God is in control... He gives and He takes away, but i will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name... because He is I AM.
so here i am 9 months later and so humbled by the way God first carried me, then walked me, then started to go before for me to follow, through this time of my life. i am kind of like the baby in the womb ready to come out and conquer the world, take steps to follow Christ in a bold way because He first loved me. God had given me courage and peace throughout this time... Lord please lead me to do your will and be willing to be open and listen to your will for me.
nine months... don't know what else happens in nine months other than a pregnancy, but... that's a lot of growing, changing and developing. i'm not saying it's over... but i do sense a new spirit in me... God's always at work in me, but i really enjoy that He hears my every word.
i'm reading a book with a group of girl friends called "better than my dreams" by paula rinehart and there are some really good things about how God works through our disappointments and expectations in life. She writes, "He wounds-in order to heal. He dismantles and exposes, so that we might know his cleansing love in the deeper reaches of our being." (p. 40) how awesome is that... i know this is not even a comparable example, but i think of the mistakes i allow A to make so she'll learn... and that's what i am doing. i was wounded, but God dug deep into my being to make me who i am now... and really what do you say but thank you God for loving me and allowing me to know you in such an intimate way.
the author also refers to c.s. lewis' book "the problem of pain" and quotes "God whispers to us in our pleasures, but shouts to us in our pains." (p. 41) how awesome is that... He wants to be there for us and wants us to hear of His love for us. c.s. lewis also called God's willingness to bruise in order to heal an intolerable compliment. so if he bruises us to heal us and shouts at us knowing it's hard... i think that's a pretty amazing God.
this past weekend, i was reading john and i was struck by a verse... the pharisees are asking Jesus if He Himself thought He was better than Abraham because Abraham is their patriarch and how dare Jesus say that... then Jesus answers by stating He was before Abraham then says, "I AM". now how awesome is that... HE IS. how powerful is that statement. I AM. i just love the power in that...
God is in control... He gives and He takes away, but i will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name... because He is I AM.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
hands
as i grew up, my daddy would put his hand on me whenever i was sick at the very spot that i was hurting and pray for it. as i got older, i would go to him and take his hand and put it on my hurts, then he would pray. when i started dating P, i told him about this and he took to it. whenever i was sick, he would put his hand where it hurt and pray for me. on days i would have thoughts racing, he would put his hand on my head and just pray for that. today as i sat on the couch, thoughts racing through my head, i felt P's hand on my head and i started to cry. he's still praying for me.
we did that for A and she still asks me to pray for whatever hurts. if she sees someone hurt, then she asks to pray for the person. if a baby is crying, she'll want to pray for them. i'm trying to teach her to pray about it herself.
we did that for A and she still asks me to pray for whatever hurts. if she sees someone hurt, then she asks to pray for the person. if a baby is crying, she'll want to pray for them. i'm trying to teach her to pray about it herself.
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