Singing in the Rain

Do you ever wonder if the pains of the external are caused by the hidden pains of the internals?  Do you ever wonder if your body is really reacting to the pains that are being kept in a dark place in your heart because you don’t know what to do with it?  Some times I know that is true of my pain…

Thursday I had this awful pain in my right shoulder.  I was in so much pain I had to lie on the floor and not move for about an hour.  Well for the past few days, I have been using the ice hot pads, icing and taking tons of ibuprofen.  In the uncertainties of the cause of the pain, I found myself on edge.  I was impatient with A and feeling a bit uneasy.  And it hit me today as I opened a can of diet coke and on the side it said, "share with a friend".  I took a picture of that and sent it to my girls in Chicago...  I missed them so much and I really hadn't been dealing with my loss and pain since I had been so busy trying to help A with hers.  Then this evening, one of those girls called me and we were on the phone for like 40 minutes talking about life, sharing stories, laughing and talking about how much we missed each other and each other's kids...  That did some soul care for me.  After talking to her I noticed that some of the pressure pain I was feeling on my should was diminishing.  I am a very stress sick kind of person...  I mean I get sick easily when I'm stressed and under stress I find myself struggling with muscle aches and upset stomachs...  I may have really hurt my shoulder since I was playing in the pool with a bunch of kids the day before, but that may have not been all of it.  I forget to take care of my heart at times and find myself kicking myself in the butt for not being attentive to myself.

A few days ago, A and I went on an errand.  This particular day A was having a hard day.  She wanted to go back "home to Chicago" and was just being difficult.  But I had an appointment to go to and she just had to suck it up and deal with it for a little while.  As we drove to my appointment, we could see the clouds rolling in.  It was a bit early for rain from what we had experienced, so I didn't think much of it.  I parked my car and we went into the appointment.  As we are in there the rain started pouring down.  I mean it was buckets of rain coming down with winds blowing, so the rain was actually coming sideways.  The guy who was helping me at the appointment was like, "I better finish this fast just in case the electricity goes out and we lose everything."  Anyway... my errand was done and we had a choice, do we run for the car or wait it out?  It didn't look like it was going to end any time soon, so we decided to run for the car, in which that day, I parked pretty far.  So A and I booked it to the car, meanwhile every inch of our body was soaked and A and I were laughing the whole run.  We get in the car and A shouts, "THIS IS AWESOME!!!"  

It's funny how A just needed a downpour of rain to help her in her need to go home and I needed a friend to call and talk to me.  

Transition is hard.  Taking care of ourselves is hard.  But dealing with it in strides and making sure you know the signs of your spiritual, emotional and physical health is so important in living a overall healthy life.  

I miss Chicago.  I miss my friends.  I miss my neighbor who leaves little goodies on our door.  I miss my friends in DP where I could call around to see if they could take A for an afternoon while I go to get pampered.  I miss going to church and though I'm alone, I know there is someone that will want to sit with me.  I miss the pool we go to in the summer.  I miss the knowns.  I miss Portillos - chopped salad and cheese fries with a diet coke.  

I love that we live a block from our community pool and we could walk there everyday for a couple hours and play.  I love that there is a Menchies right across the street from our house.  I love that our house has an extra room where people could come and visit.  I love that the people we know here are being proactive in getting us connected and helping us through this transition.   

There are always ups and downs in change.  

I was talking to someone here and they were telling me how it took them two years before they finally felt like they weren't on a long vacation.  I remember it took us six months before we felt like Indo was somewhat home.  I know it's going to take time...  I also know that once school starts and work starts for us that will help.  Yet as for now... the roller coaster ride continues, but until then, random times of singing in the rain will have to do.

new means mourning...

it has been a week and four days since we arrived in orlando.  so much has happened in these past few months and all of that was in preparation to come here... packing, visiting with people, parties and more parties, good byes and see you laters...  then a three day drive to orlando...

now that we are here and starting the new, we find ourselves also mourning the old.  we both miss our home and our friends, our church family and are finding ourselves comparing, not on purpose but would be like, "remember in chicago..."  new is good, but it is also a sad and hard time.  we love our new house and have been making it a very "P girls"-ish house.  there are definite touches of us all over the house... our favorite is our new pink pull out couch that we got for our guest/entertainment room.

as i transition and begin to settle here, i realize that these past couple months i haven't had time, space or the strength to sit and think and reflect on that's going on, i just kept going, had things to do and i was the only one that could get it done.  saturday our friend, JM, who drove with us to orlando left... that departure set it off for me to begin my grief and really feel the void of all the knowns.  today A is at a camp where she will be picked up and dropped off daily for this week.  my drive home after dropping her off was full of tears.  tears of sadness, tears of grief, tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of mourning, tears of release...

it's only been a week and four days, but it feels like so long ago.  JM and i worked night and day trying to get so much done before she left so that i didn't have to do so much on my own.  there are still things to get done, but i feel like i need to give my body a rest.  our new place has stairs, which my body is not used to.  :)  so carrying heavy things up and down the stairs about 100 times a day, my legs are soar, my body is soar and my heart just needs some time to catch up to where we are.  that's why instead of emptying the few boxes i have left and sorting through things and even making calls i need to make, i'm taking time to cry, blog and even rest today so that my heart, mind and body could all be together feeling and experiencing the same thing.  i think in the midst of chaos and getting things done, we automatically numb certain parts of us so that we could get the work done, which works for some time, but if you do that too long, it's going to backfire and you'll find yourself in a mess.  i don't want to be in that state, so...  today is a jj heller, tea and a good book kind of day.

thank you so much everyone for praying for us during this time of our life and continuing to support us in so many ways.  please continue to pray for us as we settle...  MY BIGGEST PRAYER REQUEST RIGHT NOW IS FINDING A CHURCH COMMUNITY.  we have visited a couple and are continuing seeking, but please pray that we could find a good fit.

we live in a townhouse.  our backyard is all woods and off to the right (about 50 feet) there is a pond and this is what we get to see during the day.  God's creation is so beautiful!!

sack cloth and ashes

there have been multiple times today where i almost lost it crying.  six years ago today i sent my husband to the hospital... six years ago today was the last time i saw my husband alive and responsive... six years ago today we celebrated father's day for the last time... six years ago tomorrow my husband will be the day we celebrate (?) his home going... six years ago tomorrow was the day my life fell apart, it was the day that i felt like the ground gave way from under me and i found myself in the deepest darkest part of the earth.  six years ago tomorrow is the day i walked into a room and through a glass window i saw disaster, a nightmare that i couldn't wake from for days, weeks and months there after.

the reason i found myself almost losing it wasn't because of the memories of that day, but of all the things that he is missing, that i'm missing with him... at A's dance show this weekend, there was a dance where the dads of some of the girls came out and did a number as well.  it made me sad to think that A doesn't have a dad to do that for her.

with moving and having A's dance show (her last one here) and saying good bye to so many people... and on top of that having this day come around once a year... it's a little much right now.  crunch time has arrived... this thursday the movers will be here 8:30 in the morning ready to take our stuff down to Orlando.  then it's more back to back good byes with friends and family... then the following tuesday we are off to Orlando.

so yes... this day is hard... remembering the day of the greatest loss for some reason does seem more than the normal day to day feeling of the same loss... don't know why that is true, but i guess it is the reason for the day to day feeling of the loss.  nonetheless... i am mourning... mourning the loss of a husband, the soon to be loss of the condo that has been a great home for us for the past three years, the soon to come final good-byes to Chicago, the mourning of great uncles that will not be around in terms of distance for A, the mourning of losing friendships for A and the moms of those friends that became my friends, the mourning of girlfriends that i love so so much.... so much is going to be a loss.  YES i understand there will be great things ahead and adventures... new friendships and community, BUT just as there is a time for celebration, i feel tonight is a night of mourning.  i could see why in the Bible times people wore sackcloth and ashes...  sometimes you just want people to know what the state of your inside is on the outside.

No more 4 suitcases

There has been a lot of changes in these past few months... where do I even start?  I'll start by saying that GOD IS GOOD!!  He is one that ordains all things before they even happen and there are times that I think I know what's best for me, then I realize that the Lord is like, "Oh no E.. That's not it."  It takes me a while some times to realize that, but nonetheless He lets me know His good and wonderful deeds, leading me to the path that He has paved out for me.

I began this year thinking that I was going to return to the field of education.  My desire is and always will be to invest in the life that the Lord has entrusted me with, A.  Although I went back to school for three years to get my Masters in Counseling Ministries, I knew that if I got a job in the counseling field, I would not be able to invest as much in A as I want to.  So going back to education made sense since then A and I could be on the same schedule.  So I applied to schools both internationally and domestically.  None seem to work for a variety of reasons.  At that time, I was going down to PI for a conference and maybe resign with them since I am on a study leave.  Yet the Lord closed the last door in the education field for me and opened a new one... one that I did not go out and search for, but just fell in my lap... one that was not even in the field I was looking at. 

So now... I graduated from TIU with a Masters in Counseling Ministries (as of May 17) and am packing to move to Orlando to work with TCKs (Third Culture Kids).  These children are those who are US citizens that live in another country with their family.  My job will have me using my educational background, my experiences growing up as a US immigrant family in ministry, my life overseas and my newly achieved counseling skills!!  When I told them that I wasn't sure at first because I wanted to be available for A, they said that my office hours could be flexible and I could also work from home during the times A is not in school.  I also have to travel with this job and they said that A could come along, which is fabulous because I want A to see the world and what God is doing in different places.  This is God's gift to me and to A.

As I start packing, I realized that I do not have to fit all that I want to take into 4 suitcases this time.  It's weird to be able to take my bed, my couch, the things that I have been using.... I have been purging some, but it's not half as much as I have done in the past.  This is very different...  Makes me think of all those times we packed in the past and all that has happened in these past several years!!  I've gotten really good at packing.  :)

So much has happened!! 

Please be praying for us.  The Lord has been good and has been laying things before us so easily, but still... we need prayer as always.

1.  Packing and saying good-bye could be emotional for both me and A.  Please pray for this process.
2. Everything to end well...  The end is just as important as the start of things.
3. Financial support as we embark this new endeavor.  This is a ministry job, so will need full support.
4. Friendships and a church as we go to Orlando.

willow... pottery... leather...

willow trees are my favorite trees.  i love that it hangs low providing shade and branches for children to swing on.  i love pottery, especially the ones that are hand made and given as gifts.  i love the personal touch with the intricate details of the individual.  now leather... leather is interesting.  i love leather jackets when others wear it and think how i would like one, but then i don't think it will look as good on me as it does on the other people.  i guess there are leather belts, leather bond journals, leather shoes...  if we had to think of a gift of leather...

i have always envisioned an outdoor wedding on a beautiful sunny day.  i envisioned green grass surrounded in beautiful tall trees with white chairs lined up row after row for an intimate gathering.  i envisioned rays of sunshine as i walked down the aisle meeting the man of my dreams on the other side.  i envisioned the release of hundreds of balloons into the sky.  i envisioned dancing and lots of laughter.  i envisioned that kind of wedding.

instead i got a huge wedding indoors in the middle of winter with about 500 people in blue pews.  my balloons were there, but it almost didn't happen if not for LM who told me that i need to do what i want to do and helped make all the balloons stay.  my vision of a spring/fall/summer outdoor wedding didn't happen, but it was a great celebration of two people who came together as God has brought them and blessed the wedding with snow fall, my favorite snow!!!

so apparently on your ninth year of marriage you are supposed to give willow, pottery or for a more modern flare leather.  i envision receiving a leather bond journal with a pen made out of willow wood and a hand made mug (pottery).

instead of receiving any of these this anniversary, i am in sunny florida with lots of people who love JESUS and can relate to me because we have lived similar lives.  i am finding joy in the sorrow and learning to continue to trust.  instead of willow i am surrounded by palm trees... instead of pottery i have cans of diet coke... instead of leather i have tissue to wipe away the tears of sorrow, thankfulness and joy that God has walked me through.

telling your story is life giving... this was said at some point during the conference so far...  i realize i haven't really told my story lately let alone have i talked about how i'm really doing.  i was asked to share a little of my story and be open to questions today.  it was definitely life-giving.  reminding me where i have been, who i am and what God created me to do.

9 years ago today, i went to the hair salon to get my hair and make-up done (fake lashes and everything).  i went to church to get dressed and then waited in the nursery for P to see me for the first time...  after pictures we waited to get married.  there we were... my hand in my dad's, P waiting on the other side smiling, and then it started.  that day i vowed to be his wife in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer til death do us part...  death did us part... and we both kept our vows til death did us part.

we were a good looking couple.  we had fun together, laughed a lot, loved a lot, planned a lot, gave a lot, cried a lot, left a lot...   i do think it ended too short, but today i'm not so sad... would i have rather gotten the leather bond journal with a willow tree made pen and a hand made mug?  yes of course.  but right now i'm okay.  there is an element of having lived more life without P than with P and though he was such an essential part of my life and will never ever be forgotten, i am okay.  at times i find myself panicked at life's situations, but if i just take a deep breath and look back, i will see God's handprint in every nook and cranny of my life and see that He is faithful.  God is good.

may it be...

courage... "courage always demands an element of leaving, and leaving is always hard!" & "moving from comfort to courage will cause you to feel weak in the knees - a good indicator that you should stop standing up and get ON your knees." - Jeanne Stevens

i was courageous when i told P that i was open to whatever God had for me on our second date when he said that we didn't have to meet anymore if i had no interest in going overseas.  i was open to leave the comfort of US life to a hot climate if that's what God had for me.

i was courageous when i said YES to a proposal at navy pier.  i was ready to leave singleness to being attached to someone for the rest of my life.

i was courageous when i said my vows "til death do us part" not knowing the depths of those words.  i was ready to leave the comfort of my home to join this man to make our own.

i was courageous when we decided to leave it up to God for us to have kids instead of planning it on our own.  i was ready to leave my plans in the hands of God.

i was courageous when i took my 6 month old across the ocean to a place i have never been, to set up a house and raise my family there.  i was ready to leave the american dream to the unknown dream.

i was courageous when P asked me to fast and pray about our visa situation and trusting God that P would lead us in a way that was going to bring glory to Him.  i was ready to leave what i felt God calling us to and follow God's leading.  (in this case i didn't have to leave, but God just wanted me to trust that He had things under control... Will you trust me?  is what he asked.)

i was courageous when i agreed to P's month long class in another city to get his teaching certification.  i was ready to leave the comfort of parenting together for a month of single momhood.

i was courageous when the doctors said that he had to be sedated in order to be well again.  i was ready to leave it up to God.

i was courageous when i went to see my coma induced husband in ICU in a foreign country.  i had to leave the comfort of the medical system i knew in the states up to God as P was being treated in this hospital.

i was courageous when i walked back into the ICU two hours later to find out that he might not make it.  i had to leave it up to God.

i was courageous when i had to trudge up our "gang" to pack up our home to leave for the states a couple days after P's death.  i had to leave the comfort of my home to the unknown again.

i was courageous when i woke up every morning for the year after that.  i had to leave the comfort of my bed to face the world and raise my daughter.

i was courageous when i started counseling and faced all that i needed to embrace.

i was courageous when i went back to indo to say good-bye to everyone just to find myself feeling the sense to go back.

i was courageous when i went to live in indo again.

i was courageous when i came back to the states to start grad school.

i was courageous when i sent A to the public school system.

i was courageous when i made new friends.

i was courageous...

for some reason for a while i have lost that courage.  instead of courage i find myself being so reasonable and calculating.  i find myself checking and rechecking and being logical.  i find myself fearing the what ifs that i have no control over.  LORD make me courageous again.

as i prayed through my fears, my calculations, my logics... i find God saying, "TRUST"...  and i have been having such a hard time trusting.  because to trust is to have faith... to have faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see.

this week i am at a place that P and i have been to and that kind of identifies who we were as a couple, who i am as a single...  this is the place that brought friendships together... a place where i feel safe... a place where i could be heard... a place where i could be known and understood... a place of love and acceptance.   i am blessed to be here.  and here God is asking me to have courage.  He is asking me to be courageous in telling my story, to be courageous in asking Him what i really want, to be courageous in feeling the pain that i keep telling myself i should be done with, to be courageous in letting others in on my  struggles and allow them to walk with me in it, to be courageous in staying in the moment and take it one step at a time...

i did a study with the ladies at my church right before i came to this place and it was a study on mary the mother of Jesus.  and Jeanne Stevens said how "may it be" are one of the most courageous words mary spoke.  i am challenged to be courageous and say MAY IT BE...  because even though i like to know... i don't always need to know and i just need to trust and say... MAY IT BE!!!

SO...

may it be... whether we stay in the states after i graduate or go overseas... may it be

may it be... whether i get married again or stay single for the rest of my life... may it be

may it be... whether i teach or translate as a job or counsel or disciple... may it be

may it be... whether i go to a warm place or a place with four  season... may it be

may it be... whether i adopt or foster or do safe families or be able to have my own children ever... may it be

may it be... even if it none of the above... LORD MAY IT BE!!!

seriously a decade?

last week RB and TB celebrated their tenth year of marriage.  their wedding was what the start of my relationship with P because after the wedding as P drove them to their hotel, RB told P that he had to ask me out before they got back from their honeymoon.  what RB hadn't known was I was almost through with P.

i had gone to a christmas party at P's place a little over a month before their wedding date.  at the party, i gave P my number because he wanted to get together with some people to go ice-skating.  i was waiting for a month for him to call... but i got absolutely nothing.  when school started back up from winter break, P did not come to sub for a while.  then when he did, he started coming to my room before he went to lunch to ask if he could pick something up for me too.  that week we started taking turns buying lunch for each other, but nothing was talked about.  i was starting to think he was a player or something... ha ha... then it happened, 10 years ago yesterday, he called me and asked me out!!!  10 years ago today we went on our first date.  i cannot believe it's been that long.

10 years ago today, P picked me up and took me out for coffee.  i remember my sister and friends telling me to dress up, but i was like you guys don't know P... he's not someone to dress up.  so i wore jeans and a cute sweater and my red coat.  P wore jeans and a sweater and a jacket.  i knew him...  :)  at the coffee shop we talked about our families, what we like and stuff like that and then we went to the weirdest show in the world.  why he took me there is beyond me, but nonetheless i had fun.

10 years... that's a decade.  i kind of feel really old.  the picture below is not from our first date, but it was the summer that followed.  we were young.