When I came here, my mind was at ease at the fact that if it doesn’t work out I could always go back to the states. This was just a trial and all my friends and family were going to support whichever decision I made. Yet as time went on and especially as I hit this year mark, I realize that this was no trial for God, He knew exactly what I was getting into and wanted to lead me in this road called faith.
I was supposed to go back to the states at around the year mark, but that has changed. I am making plans to go back to the states in October for about three months and come back. Can you believe it, I’m coming back here? What was just a trial and what I thought was going to be short, and honestly somewhat hoping it would be short, is now becoming a continual walk of faith… following after my Father’s footsteps. I love it, but to be completely open, it’s hard.
To constantly put aside my desires and waiting on the Lord’s timing, all the while joyfully serving Him in all that comes before me, is quite a challenge. Not to wallow in the “what ifs” and look forward to heaven and the party we will all have when we’re together. To constantly look at the cross and try not to look at the things around you. To watch your daughter grow in a way you didn’t imagine it to be. To have to answer all the hard questions that come your way from a four year old who knows that her life is different. All those things are pretty hard and there is of course more… Yet it’s all worth it when I see the cross… when I look to the only one that could fulfill all that I know I’ve lost and all that I feel I lost and all that I want, but do not have.
So one year… issues with people, earthquakes, visas, single mom, eyes of people, floods, apartments -all those overcome and now we are entering the second year. I go into this year with open hands, but also with sincere prayer that the Lord will call me to this calling daily.
In two days it will have been two years since P’s death. Many people have asked what I’m doing and how I’m doing. I explained how I was feeling to one friend and she said I think like a man. Ha ha… but honestly I don’t feel much different. Yes, it’s a really significant day, it was a serious turning point in my life, but I feel no need to go back and remember and mourn over that day any more. I also feel there is no use to miss P any more either. What’s the use? I mean he’s in heaven, I’m going to see him again and I need to keep living. This is not to say that I forgot about him or want to… how can I? He’s such a huge part of who I am and the events of June 16th turned my world upside down which started the journey to mold me into who I am now and I am raising our daughter.
(What I mean by no use of missing P is before I used to think I needed to think about him every day or miss him every day to think that’s really loving him even after he’s gone, but learning that is not true and knowing that he’s real proud of the way I’m handling things.)
I feel now it’s more that I miss being a family, being married, having a partner, having someone to talk to about raising my daughter, I miss not having to make all life’s decisions on my own and I miss just being a mom and not everything, mom, dad, provider, worker, book keeper, bill payer, etc.… Again, I just feel, what’s the use of saying, “ugh I wish P was here to do this.”? He’s gone and not coming back.
Anyway when I explained this, my girlfriend told me that I talked like a man. Ha ha… maybe that’s why a man’s life is simpler. :)
One more thing I want to explain. I don’t want ANYONE to think that this means I’m done. I still have times where something triggers a thought, a memory… and I have a hard time. I’m not under any notion that I’m done. I know that there will be times in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 5 minutes, maybe 20 or 30 years from now where I see something, smell something, hear something that will trigger me to remember P… that doesn’t mean that every time that happens I’ll break down either. I feel at times those things make me smile or just feel sad for a bit, yet other times I may need a whole day to cry it out. Also I have a four year old that after every big gathering, outing or fun time with people, comes to me crying and saying she misses daddy. She also looks and acts like him a lot, so no way am I done. I don’t know, but I know I’m not done… still I want to keep looking forward in excitement to what the Lord has for me daily!!
