Whoosh

the sound of the weeks going by... whoosh. it's already the last weekend of august and going into labor day marking september.

this week again has just flown by.

monday i took A on a picnic to where P and i went on dates a few times. it was great weather and lots of fun. that afternoon we then went to the park with neighbors and ended the day with dinner at a family friends house. i feel like going on that picnic took the place of going to memory park because we were remembering him.

tuesday i ran errands with A and stayed home since both of us were kind of under the weather.

wednesday we went with friends to the music box to see "the little mermaid" sing a long. it was a lot of fun. A and her friend really enjoyed it. i was sad though thinking how much i wished P was there with us.

thursday A and i helped a friend out and that turned out to be one very nice day. i actually had adult conversations and it was deep and meaningful. i really enjoyed it. then we went and celebrated my sister's birthday. this day was funny because A wanted to talk to her grandparents. so i think we called them like four times because she wanted to talk to grandma and grandpa. grandpa was golfing and she told him she did that last week. :)

today i was feeling a little sick. i have a slight ear infection, so just not doing real well. but in the afternoon, we attended a birthday party and A had so much fun. she loved the rides and the kids. she's growing up so fast. on the way to the party though, she made me cry. we were talking about daddy for some reason and she says, "i want daddy, i want to hug him, please A hug daddy". i just cried. i told her i wanted to hug him too.

we are doing well. i am working hard at trying to help her process. i really want wisdom in this. i keep asking friends "where is the manual?". but really please pray that everyday we could process together in a good healthy way. i feel like these past two days have been really good. so please lift us up.

i want to thank those of you who take my calls and listen to me under any circumstance without judgment or whatever. i really appreciate that. i love you guys.

please pray for us as we grieve, but also as i think of our future and continually listen to the Lord. i know it's not like i need to make a decision right now, but i know that God could definitely start stirring in my heart His desires as i am working through things. so please pray for that.

crashing down

a friend told me after all the services were over that the hards are yet to come... that before it gets better, it's going to get worse... i feel it... i feel like my world is crashing down... which is weird... he's been gone for two months plus a week. more and more things have my heart longing for him... more and more i feel like life is not the same... more and more i feel that i'm alone... more and more i notice that he's not here... more and more...

today i talked to A. i asked how she was doing and she just smiled. i talked about daddy and it's funny how she responded. it's like she was waiting for me to talk about him... she immediately jumped at talking about him and wanting to go back home... to our "dago pojok" to see him. it seems like she's in denial just like her mommy... not wanting all this to be true, but all the while knowing that it's been too long for it not to be true.

i find myself crying more and missing him more.

please pray for us... life seems to be crashing down all over again differently this time around.

truth

i know many have asked the question of why this had to happen?, including me. i'm not typing this blog because i have the answer, but because i wanted to share a truth. P was always good at sharing truth with people, including me. and when i found the letter last week, he left me with truth to hold on to. so even though i know i will continue to ask questions, sometimes maybe even to the point of me doubting, i know there is truth in all of this.

in the letter i found last week P mentioned the truth of God's faithfulness. P told me how we had lived in truth and how God planned things in His perfect faithfulness and that nothing happens by chance, so if i am reading the letter, it means i must hold on to that faithfulness.

i have thought how if we obeyed why we are going through this... actually why i am going through this... but the truth is... God is faithful in all things, good or bad...

again i know i don't have all the answers yet, and i know i will be crying and asking questions and crying and grieving and crying... but in the end i know i will see His hand in my life... that God is faithful and good.

i was getting ready for bed and thought of this... wanted to share it.

the thing is... i know P felt this way and i feel this way too... i'd rather go see my Maker knowing that i obeyed Him than having not.

please pray for A as she is coming up with great questions that is helping her process. please pray for me as i come up with answers and explanations for all her really insightful questions.

Peace

My peace I give unto you
It's a peace that the world cannot give
It's a peace that the world cannot understand
Peace to know, peace to live,
My peace I give unto you

when we were at the cabin and i was putting A down the first night, this song popped into my head. what a beautiful song and i cried singing the words and prayed that the Lord may truly give us this peace. i have been praying for A and i to feel peace every night before we go to bed and if i leave it out on accident, A will remind me and say, "pray peace mommy". i love her so much.

please pray for our nights. A has been wanting to be in bed with me and i have been having a hard time falling asleep. thanks...

Rest

About a week ago, someone came up to me and asked me if i would like to go to her cabin with her this week. i said yes because i was looking for a place to go and relax. please pray for this weekend as A and i find rest and fun. please also pray for my time with C, who's cabin we are going to. R is joining us too to help with A. please pray for R also so she may find it a little bit refreshing while she takes care of us. :) we love you R!!! and thank you C for asking us to come!!!

In Perfect Timing... I found it...

I have had a terrible week. I don't want to go into detail, but not a day went by without crying, not a day went by without having some kind of emotion toward P and God, not a day went by without missing him, not a day went by without wishing it was just a bad dream...

Last night and today was the worst. I thought of how if we obeyed God, why instead of rewarding us this would happen and why did P get the better end of the deal? I prayed these thoughts would not last long... some say it's normal, but how the enemy could use that for whatever he wants...scary. I know I have to go through this stage, but at the same time don't want to fall in his trap... but I’m still so mad and frustrated and feel that life just sucks.

A couple weeks before P died, I was going through some hard times, and I told him that I couldn’t sing “God is so good” to A because I was so angry at Him. Last night as I was singing that song to A I had a similar feeling that didn’t last long because I remembered what P said that day I was angry at God… P said, you have to keep singing it… no matter what keep singing it because it’s true even though you don’t feel it now. So last night in tears I put my baby to sleep thinking of how He is good and how P wanted me to keep singing it in times like these.

The first few weeks after his death, I started to look for a letter that I knew P started to write in case something happened to him. I remembered it and couldn’t find it.

Today I found what I tried to look for the week he passed. The letter that he wrote me. I looked so hard for it the first weeks... I have no idea how I passed it up. But today for some reason I went into his file folder in the computer for the first time since I got here and found it... titled, "final will". I opened it thinking it was a friends’. I opened it and started to shake... I couldn't believe it. It had what he wanted his service to look like... it had what he wanted me to keep for A and myself... it had what songs to play at the funeral... (I didn't play one of the two songs he wanted... oops), but the rest was to the T of what he wanted. Then there was the letter... I cried... I cried so hard... the line that stuck out like a sore thumb... he told me not to give up on God's faithfulness... not even for a second and how if I was reading the letter it's because God had some other plan. Everything in God’s perfect timing. Why in the first week when I was looking for it did I not find it... then when I started asking questions about God I find the letter and he tells me to hang on...??? I hate him a lot right now... okay not really, but kind of. I don't know why he wrote all those details... or why he decided to write all that in January of this year... I don't know… even though we talked about it I never wrote one... but I found it... I guess in perfect timing... in perfect faithfulness... as we always talked about in Isaiah 25 verse 1.

It’s still hard, but I feel at peace after reading that letter though it was sad and shocking. I ran down into R’s arms and cried. Please pray for me... and A too. We’re going to go through some hard times… It’s hitting home now… and how much harder it’s going to get, I’m not sure, but many people say it’ll get harder before it gets better. Pray for us.

Hard week

what a week... it was really hard. lots of tears... miss him... hate him... questions... miss him... love him... smiles... tears... pain... smiles... miss him... want him back... hard...

A's favorite thing to say lately is, "when my get big..." so today we were talking and she said, "when my get big my go to heaven." i was so proud of her but it made my heart break. i asked her how she would get into heaven and my little girl says, "JESUS". i cried telling her i was so proud of her and so was daddy.

later i was crying and she told me not to cry. again i explain it's because i miss daddy and that it's okay if we cry. she answers, "mommy go to heaven see daddy". i told her how i wished it was that easy and cried some more.

hard week. miss him. miss him a lot!!!