crummy week

it's been a crummy week. with monday feeling like i did nothing but still so busy... tuesday feeling sick and then the fajita incident... wednesday was supposed to be our fourth anniversary together... P would call them honeymoons and plan something fun. i didn't know what i wanted to do and people called to let me know they would be "on-call" for me if i needed them. i ended up going to eat dinner with BR and watched, "he's just not that into you" while KS watched A. it was so much fun. then AH brought over dessert and i talked with the girls til late. thanks girls for helping me out and being with me. it was really good. emotionally just really tiring this week...
i was reading some of the letters P wrote me when we were dating, engaged and married and i was balling my eyes out when he would write, "can't wait to see where God has us in 5, 10, 20 years from now..." knowing that it wasn't just my hope to see those many years go by, but his too...
crummy weeks come and go... memories spark happiness and sadness... you cry and you laugh... life goes on whether you are ready or not... but i've been thinking about how my life is so good despite those crummy weeks and sadness and not readiness... because my Father in heaven is the ultimate planner of all that happens and there is no mistake in what He does... it may not make sense, but it definitely is not a mistake.
i went out with some women from bible study for lunch and in the car ride there we talked about how people think they deserve things... a car, a husband, a child, a house, a whatever... or as some people call it a "package" in life... but IS so truthfully said how we don't deserve anything but death... how true that is. BUT through God's amazing grace we are given the gift of life... a gift of marriage... a gift of having children...
Lord help me to be thankful for the things i have... the things i do not deserve but you so graciously give... and Lord... even when it's taken... let me realize that it wasn't mine to begin with... it is all YOURS... my husband, my daughter, my money, my clothes... they are all YOURS and i got to have it as a gift for as long as YOU allow it... help me to treasure them as you do and let me be wise...
pray for me as i want this crummy week to end... for A as i think she realizes mommy is having a crummy week and wanting extra attention.

the last supper

since moving into a new house, i had to make my meals and not get spoiled by LM or RB. i have to admit i don't make any gourmet meals... sometimes it's the instant things, sometimes it's a frozen pizza, sometimes i cook, and sometimes we go out. tonight i cooked. i made fajitas... and as i took my first bite, i remembered that was the last meal we had with P the night before he went into the hospital. and what i wanted to be a nice meal with A ended up being tears. the sad thing is he only ate one fajita when he usually eats six or seven... glad that he ate one... my last meal for him.

i put some pictures on of foods we made... P making shish-ka-babs on the grill... our breakfast... and our thanksgiving meal far away from home.

i miss cooking for P... i could put anything on his plate and he would eat it and say it's delicious... now i cook for a three year old who doesn't like to eat... ha ha...

speak to me...

(pictures of us in california)

to be with brothers and sisters in Christ praying and seeking the Lord... feeling His presence and hearing His voice is such an amazing thing. i thank the Lord daily that He wants that intimate relationship with me and i love it. PR said tonight at church how it's about Jesus... not family and Jesus... not a job and Jesus... not something and Jesus... it's all about Jesus. as much as i miss P and how i want him back, how sometimes i feel my life would be so much better if he was just here... but realizing the truth to what PR said tonight... that all i really need is Jesus. i felt that for some time... how Jesus has really become my friend, my comfort, my refuge... and even my husband... i cry as i type this... knowing well that P was my husband and again just wanting that back, but Jesus will always and forever be my husband.

i have started to really enjoy this one praise.

Lord of Heaven
Creator of the earth
Abba Father
The Lover of my soul

With all my heart I sing
The Greatness of Your name
In all the grace you give
With Boldness I draw near

And I will praise you
Come and be extolled
My eyes are on you
Let Your Glory fall
Let Your Glory fall
This is my life I give
With my heart I offer you
As a living sacrifice
All my hopes and dreams
More of You and I less of me
At the altar of grace
until all that's left is You

i sing the words and really want it to my heart. the creator of the earth being my abba... the lover of my soul.. i want to sing His greatness because He is great in my life... and how true it is of the boldness i have because of all the grace He has poured out in my life... how could you not be bold... my eyes are on Him and only Him... where else could i go... it has to be on Him... i want to truly offer my hopes and dreams... at first i thought, but God took it from me, but i'm slowly seeing that maybe there is something greater out there that He has in store for me... so i hope and dream again praying that all that's left in my life is Him. it's such a humble place i feel i'm at knowing that my life is not about me and all about our lord Jesus Christ... because if it was all about me, the story would not be so good...

i pray that my daughter would one know grow to know God our Father as her abba, the lover of her soul, her king, her comfort, her refuge... and i remember the day P and i dedicated her in front of our church stating we will raise her to be a godly person... but the thing that i am so thankful for is the rest of the congregation who got up and promised to help us raise her in that way. every member of the church stood up to promise that they would be there with us and how all of you are following through with that... as i saw A run around church today with no fear jumping into people's arms and laughing and calling out people's names... people she loves, i thought of how i am so thankful for all of you keeping your promise you made when she was 5 months old... thank you guys so much.

please pray for me as i continue to want to hear His voice... i want Him to speak to me... i want the intimate relationship He desires from me...

16th yet again

yesterday i realized it was the 15th, then thought hmmm tomorrow will be the 16th. i know i always ask this question, but was it really seven months ago. i can't believe it. time is now back to normal where i feel like a day is a day, although i do have a day here or there where it feels like a week, but mostly days are days. i can remember the time i was dreading the day to start because it just took too long to get to the next day.

P...
i can't believe you've been gone for seven months. it seems so long ago. i was with LL this past weekend and he said, "really was it just this past june". it's not just me... it seems like ages ago. we had to work through so much since you went on ahead.
i'm still having lots of fun with A, trying to make the best of our days together. you did such a good job with her... she still talks about you and remembers you. she loves you. today she asked for you.
i'm starting to love life again and seeing where God wants me to go in life. i can laugh and mean it and look at your pictures and smile at the wonderful times we had. i could look at tomorrow and really hope for a better day, not just wish... i have great friends that are so great to me and i love the friendships that i have with them... and as much as i miss you... little by little i'm finding enjoyment in these relationships that kind of fill the emptiness i was feeling since you were gone, but i realize it will never be the same as when you were my friend...
you know you were my friend right... not just a friend... you were a mentor, someone who stuck up for me, you were my tempat curhat, you were my love, my jodoh, you were my everything... i miss all that and more. i really wish i could have that back, but at the same time learning to live without it. you will always be a part of my life, but not here.
P... i was thinking today how next week we would have had our fourth honeymoon... and that made me so sad. i loved how we called our anniversaries honeymoons... last year i was so sick for our honeymoon... to have a honeymoon again... why was it only three years and like five months? i don't know... i wish we had more. i'll be thinking of you often this next week... uhh...
i think i'm going to go now... i'm tired.
love you and miss you lots...
your es

p.s. i'm running a 5k... ha ha signed up with a few friends.

**SR thanks for giving up the treadmill for me and cleaning the inside of my car. i love it!!!**

**OOPS IT'S BEEN 8 MONTHS... SEE IT'S JUST BEEN SO LONG.:)**

clean car

for a few days the weather here has been great. beautiful sun and warmth.... that's just great. a few days ago i went out to find NC washing my car. i was like what are you doing? he just looked and smiled... my car looks so good. thanks NC. i like driving a clean car in this beautiful weather!!!

i'm leaving for a trip today and will be back sunday. please pray for safe travels.

intense times

this week has been hard with A turning three. my world came crashing down last night as the last celebration of her birthday ended. i just couldn't believe he was gone yet again and i found myself asking the same questions of why. it will never be as hard as the first several months, but it was tough. i cried and talked to a friend for like an hour...

today after dropping A off at pre-school (by the way, she did so well), i went to make some copies and ended up talking to a friend for an hour and crying. then i came home just to find myself wanting to watch the memorial service from indonesia. so i sat down and looked at the pictures first... that was intense. this was my first time watching it again... i want to ask those of you who were there... how did we do it? really God poured out so much grace over all of us to have gone through that and still have that service. P would have been dancing that day in heaven with Jesus being the center of the service and not him. it was really good... so hard to watch, but good. again just realizing how far i've come and seeing God's hand at work during that time.

KP thanks for walking me through that... letting me cry in the shower and taking care of A in the midst of your sorrow. thanks for standing beside me and handing me tissues... thank you so much for all that you did!!!

JP thanks for your encouraging words that day... made me cry all over again. you had so many sleepless nights and running around for us to come to the states. thanks for your care and all that time you took in making everything right.

Pak Y thanks for being our leader. you were like a brother to P and i. we really enjoyed going to your house every week. thanks for sharing that day of how much you loved us...

CC thanks for doing all the tedious little runs to the house and all the things i learned you did months later. P loved you so much and loved the time you had together... we really enjoyed having you over for meals. and yes A does like you.

MM thanks for watching the kids through those days. you weren't expecting that, but you did a great job!!!

small group thanks for making it a beautiful day with the flowers and food. you guys are the best.

teachers thank you for all you did. taking time off of teaching to come be with me. you all did so much for the paperwork process too and i just never thanked you. you all are amazing.

AB... thank you kang for all that you did. as i watched the video i just thought... wow this really all did happen. i am so glad that you spoke that day, as a friend, mentor, brother... you were phenomenal. the words you spoke were powerful. P loved you so much. we always looked forward to having time with you guys. i'm pretty sure he's waiting for a match of mandi tennis.

oh and K... thanks for getting things for A for the plane. that saved us a great deal during the almost 30 hours of travel.

i am so thankful to have so many different people in our lives. thank you all...

i am also thankful for TB. she told me a while back, way before P went to be with the Lord, she told me to pray that every time you fall (or go through something), pray that God will make the time you recover faster. i'm thankful for that wisdom from dear TB because i feel that now... i fall, but i feel it being less painful and it doesn't take weeks or days to recover.

i do think it will be hard for a few days, but again it is so much better each time around.

3 years old

A turned three yesterday.
tuesday night as i put her to bed, we prayed as we always do. she started praying about her birthday and i echoed it, but then couldn't stop crying. this is not how her third birthday was supposed to be. and again i feel the loss of my dear P. we always made birthdays a big thing... i tried to as much as i could, but in the midst of my sadness... it was hard. the prayer tuesday night was from the deepest part of my heart... asking the Lord to guide her every step and walk her through her dark days that are to come, for everyone has dark days.
that night as i was online, i got to talk to a friend. when i told him it was A's birthday, he told me how he remembered texting P on A's birthday last year and we were at the park with all her friends having a party. as i remembered that i was sad. it was such a fun day.
wednesday i was awaken with, "today my birthday mommy". when i told her yes... she was so excited. we woke up and got ready for her day of excitement. we were supposed to go to an indoor swimming resort, but it was closed on tuesdays and wednesdays, so last minute plans took us to the aquarium. my baby... already 3.
sunday night we went to A's friend's birthday party and during the opening of presents, A says, "i just don't understand why i don't get any" and buries her face into my lap. i laughed so hard. i couldn't believe that she said that.
so after the aquarium on wednesday we went to mcdonalds to have lunch and play at the play land. then went home for naps. in the evening we met my sister, eemo, for dinner and had a little party. that night... A started cubbies!! uh my baby is all grown up. she even memorized the verse for the night... "love your neighbor as yourself" or as A says it, "love your neighbor as your house".
i thank the Lord for giving me strength every morning to get up and have hope in what He has in store for me... even through the hard days...