survived

you think of all the things that you survive in a life time and you realize that God's sovereign hand had to be over it. i just think of the past few years of my life and think... wow... that's God all over it... then i think of even the last year and i can't believe the things that the Lord spared my life from...

on saturday, we survived another earthquake. you may think woah how big was it? it wasn't that big... 5.8. no serious damage that we know of, but the earth sure did shake and for a minute fear over took me once again. it's kind of crazy you know when something you know is supposed to be one way just goes and does something totally what it's not supposed to do. your mind just goes wild and even what you know, like God is sovereign, goes away from your thoughts and you panic.

i'm reading AW Tozer and as i read that, i am just relearning how seriously this life we live is a walk of faith. and honestly i don't take each step with faith like i should. like seriously every time we walk out the door, is a step of faith... to trust God with what will come before you and what will not. i need to take that more seriously.

i guess just the life that i lived the experiences i've had... i realize, that even when i leave my daughter for a few days with friends is a step of faith... trusting that the Lord will let us see each other again. some may say, girl you are overreacting... but it truly is a walk of faith to say the Lord will keep me safe and my daughter safe so that we will see each other on friday.

i was with some friends talking about how really when we choose to live a life of obedience, it's not just our lives we are sacrificing but our kids. and how God asked Abraham to lay Isaac down on the alter... the promise, the covenant, the generation of children he was supposed to have through this boy, Abraham was asked to sacrifice...

when P and i decided to have a baby it was a total trust in what God had for us. we were planning on going overseas and a lot of friends' babies were going into the hospital for various reasons a little after their birth. i told P how i didn't know if i could handle that if it happened to us overseas without family. so after praying, we decided the Lord was the one who opens and closes wombs and if He did not want us to have a baby in the states, that was what we would trust is best for us, but if He wanted us to have a baby in the states, even though it was way ahead of our plans, we would trust Him. the next month we were pregnant.

after A was born, P was driving home to get some things. P was so overwhelmed to have two girls he had to take care of and what a wonderful blessing it was to be a daddy and just gave all that up to the Lord... and the Lord spoke to him and told him that He was going to take care of P's girls for him... and that promise is still standing... even though P is gone, God is so taking care of us...

when we walk out the door daily, sometimes multiple times a day, we don't know what is ahead of us... how many times do we just walk out without a second thought that the very step we take is an act of trust... trusting that the Lord will bring us back through the same door at night.

i remember after the first earthquake we experienced, leaving A at school was a total act of faith for me. i really don't know much about earthquakes, so i kept thinking what if another one comes... but i didn't want fear to overtake me... for those who trust in the Lord have no fear.

i say all this to just remind myself that my every breath is through God's grace... through His love for me... God for some reason finds me worthy to be called His own out of the millions of people around me and let's me take a breath every second that i day and not only that, but let's me walk in the door that i went out of each morning.

Psalm 37:3b - dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture...

the promise the Lord gave me after the first earthquake. i pray that i don't have to experience a lot more, but as long as i'm in the place that the Lord has me... i will dwell in it and enjoy safe pasture... whatever that means.

MORE OF YOU LESS OF ME.... i pray that over myself daily... i want to truly have more of the Lord.

i praise the Lord that i am not going through what i did the first time when the earthquake happened, but i pray that next time i could face it without panic or fear and that the Lord will be pouring His words in my heart.

the things that make you cling to Jesus...

bitter sweet

just got a text from TB telling me A is crying and if i could talk to A. i called A and my daughter is so grown up, at first she was trying to hold back her tears and then it just burst out... MOMMY~

my daughter is at TB & AB's place. i have a few busy things to take care of this week, so i went with A to spend the weekend at their place and left her there today when i came home. she did so well saying good-bye to me. just sat on the porch waving. she was anticipating it all weekend. poor girl... night times are hard without mommies. so we talked a little between her tears and sobs, but i think she'll make it. the thing is she really likes it there and she loves the aunt and uncle there... so i know she's going to have fun. Two more nights after tonight. i'm more worried for the aunt and uncle...

so it's a little bitter sweet coming home to an empty house. i kind of feel like i don't know what to do. feeding myself, relaxing... i don't have to bathe someone, feed someone, put someone to sleep... don't have to worry about getting to bed at a certain time so i'll get enough sleep before the little one wakes up. taking care of another being is pretty hard work.

i miss my baby, but at the same time, i'm so excited to spend some alone time. actually God is so good that all my tasks for tomorrow got moved to thursday, so tomorrow i'm kind of free which is great!!! planned a date with a dear friend, have to run some errands... you know me things.

please pray for A as she spends time with TB & AB. TB always tells me when i'm away from A that i will be a better mother when i come back... but i think that's so true... i think she and i will both learn to appreciate each other so much more.

threesome...

I'm at A&T's place and they have great internet, so I'm using there's. This week CG, a friend's daughter, but also a friend of ours, was staying with us. It was so great to be a threesome. She was spending her last week here before going to the states for college and we got the honor of hosting her. A is in love with her... except when she's tired and cranky, CG is all she wants. Poor CG. But it was so much fun to be living with someone... to have A to play with someone other than me... to go places with... to have someone offer to give A a piggy back ride because I'm just too tired to do it... We had fun going to basketball games, watching movies and most of all eating!!! It was great.

CG, you were a great addition to the P girls this week!!! We love and will miss you. Good luck in college and come back to visit often. Glad we will see each other at the wedding!!!

busy

sorry everyone... friends and family if i haven't been online... my computer is having problems and i can't get online. i'm at work right now... i'm leaving town tomorrow til tuesday to be with my friends AB & TB. then on wednesday i go to the airport to pick up my friends who are coming to live here. i'll be a little busy, but will keep trying to get online.

thanks.

Clarity

I was thinking about what I wrote and thought about erasing it because I thought how to some people it could sound bitter and depressing... But that is a part of my heart and how I am processing. It's not easy...

I want to explain something...

I used to be a very hard core judger. I mean seriously was so quick to judge people... not that I'm totally not like that anymore, but I've learned something through this process... You just never know where the other person is. I sometimes come home and think about the day and realize that I may have offended someone. Not on purpose, but because I had things on my mind or because my heart is hurting. So now, I am learning grace... You just never know where the other person has been or is.

So I guess I ask for grace as you read my blogs... I am still processing and I'm never going to be perfect. So please take me where I am, take a second to imagine what it's like and don't be quick to judge my thoughts, process and feelings.

Thanks.

A day of life…

I was kind of dreading the 16th. I just wanted it to be another day… a normal day, no thinking extra thinking about what happened. The thing is, I think most people could go on with daily life without thinking much about it and then the day June 16th arrives and it triggers the memory of what happened, so they go into the remembering mode. It’s a little different for me, I’m sure you all understand. I live with the reality every day. I don’t need June 16th to remind me of what happened. So although it was good to be with my family here to have a time of sharing, I have to honestly say, I am done with getting together as a group on June 16th. I think at the end of the day it’s not the day that makes me sad, but when everything is said and done and people are all gone, the fact that it’s just me and A makes it sadder. My reality which I face every day I feel like is smack in my face again.

On the flip side, I did feel rather proud on the 16th. Another year… we made it… we are even stronger and deeper in Christ than before and A and I make a pretty beautiful team together. I was so proud of both of us that on the 15th, knowing the 16th would be a little busy, I took A shopping. I told her because I was so proud of her and how she is becoming such a little lady since daddy went to heaven, I wanted to get something. I told her that not only am I proud, I know that daddy is proud and so is Jesus. So she got a new cash register. I went and got a pedicure and manicure. So there was a part of me that felt like how I described above, but the other half of me was so proud of the way we were doing.

I wish I could say it was all me, but I would be lying and taking away glory from the only one that could make me who I am now. God has been totally awesome during these past two years.

The day turned out to be very busy, but it was a good day. It's just a process... the days, the weeks, the months and the years...

One of my prayers this year was that I wanted the 16th to mean something different. Yes it is celebrating a great man, but it is a reminder of such a nightmare for me and who wants to keep going back to the nightmare right?

The Lord is so good at answering prayers. The night of the 16th, I got a text from LM, my mom in Chicago, telling me that her third child’s wife was at the hospital getting ready to have the baby. I was so excited… In Chicago it was only the morning of the 16th. The thought that the 16th may mean life of someone instead of the death of someone was overwhelming.

This morning as I got out of the gym, I got a text that their 7th grandchild was born… made it a whole new meaning to June 16th. Yes we celebrate the life that P lived, but I’m so excited about this new life that entered this world.

Also, I knew that one of P’s old students was going overseas, but I did not know that it was going to be on the 16th. I’m proud of you EW!!! You are going to do great. May the Lord bless your every step!!

Anniversary

June 11^th marked a year since A and I have been in country. It is amazing to see the Lord’s hand at work in our lives during this year. We came here not knowing what He was leading us into, but as soon as we got here everything came into place… housing, work, school for A, friends… yes there were some bumps in the road, couple that made me want to be back in the states and others not such a big deal.

When I came here, my mind was at ease at the fact that if it doesn’t work out I could always go back to the states. This was just a trial and all my friends and family were going to support whichever decision I made. Yet as time went on and especially as I hit this year mark, I realize that this was no trial for God, He knew exactly what I was getting into and wanted to lead me in this road called faith.

I was supposed to go back to the states at around the year mark, but that has changed. I am making plans to go back to the states in October for about three months and come back. Can you believe it, I’m coming back here? What was just a trial and what I thought was going to be short, and honestly somewhat hoping it would be short, is now becoming a continual walk of faith… following after my Father’s footsteps. I love it, but to be completely open, it’s hard.

To constantly put aside my desires and waiting on the Lord’s timing, all the while joyfully serving Him in all that comes before me, is quite a challenge. Not to wallow in the “what ifs” and look forward to heaven and the party we will all have when we’re together. To constantly look at the cross and try not to look at the things around you. To watch your daughter grow in a way you didn’t imagine it to be. To have to answer all the hard questions that come your way from a four year old who knows that her life is different. All those things are pretty hard and there is of course more… Yet it’s all worth it when I see the cross… when I look to the only one that could fulfill all that I know I’ve lost and all that I feel I lost and all that I want, but do not have.

So one year… issues with people, earthquakes, visas, single mom, eyes of people, floods, apartments -all those overcome and now we are entering the second year. I go into this year with open hands, but also with sincere prayer that the Lord will call me to this calling daily.

In two days it will have been two years since P’s death. Many people have asked what I’m doing and how I’m doing. I explained how I was feeling to one friend and she said I think like a man. Ha ha… but honestly I don’t feel much different. Yes, it’s a really significant day, it was a serious turning point in my life, but I feel no need to go back and remember and mourn over that day any more. I also feel there is no use to miss P any more either. What’s the use? I mean he’s in heaven, I’m going to see him again and I need to keep living. This is not to say that I forgot about him or want to… how can I? He’s such a huge part of who I am and the events of June 16^th turned my world upside down which started the journey to mold me into who I am now and I am raising our daughter.

(What I mean by no use of missing P is before I used to think I needed to think about him every day or miss him every day to think that’s really loving him even after he’s gone, but learning that is not true and knowing that he’s real proud of the way I’m handling things.)

I feel now it’s more that I miss being a family, being married, having a partner, having someone to talk to about raising my daughter, I miss not having to make all life’s decisions on my own and I miss just being a mom and not everything, mom, dad, provider, worker, book keeper, bill payer, etc.… Again, I just feel, what’s the use of saying, “ugh I wish P was here to do this.”? He’s gone and not coming back.

Anyway when I explained this, my girlfriend told me that I talked like a man. Ha ha… maybe that’s why a man’s life is simpler. :)

One more thing I want to explain. I don’t want ANYONE to think that this means I’m done. I still have times where something triggers a thought, a memory… and I have a hard time. I’m not under any notion that I’m done. I know that there will be times in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 5 minutes, maybe 20 or 30 years from now where I see something, smell something, hear something that will trigger me to remember P… that doesn’t mean that every time that happens I’ll break down either. I feel at times those things make me smile or just feel sad for a bit, yet other times I may need a whole day to cry it out. Also I have a four year old that after every big gathering, outing or fun time with people, comes to me crying and saying she misses daddy. She also looks and acts like him a lot, so no way am I done. I don’t know, but I know I’m not done… still I want to keep looking forward in excitement to what the Lord has for me daily!!