Back??

this evening i sit on my bed thinking about my blog.  i really enjoyed blogging, sending my thoughts out to the unknown world of cyberspace...  maybe someone would read it, but if not... at least it's off my chest, right?  it's been about a year since I quit blogging for the public.  it was because I didn't feel like I was connecting with people on a personal basis.  i would get a little hurt when people would tell me that they are reading my blog, wanting the personal relationship of e-mail, letters, texts, phone calls, or coffee (although i don't drink it, i'd love to sit and talk over it, i'll have a diet coke or a chai tea latte, but actually i found a new favorite, but can't remember the name), especially people who i thought would use other means than the blog.  over the course of this year, i learned a lot.  some of the posts that i had written while i was AWOL, i didn't post because they were some personal things, reflected this time of learning.

i learned that life now is on the blog, on facebook, on twitter...  but very rarely face to face.  american life is busy.  people are constantly racing time and lose to it, even with the countless amounts of coffee or energy drinks that we consume.  i fall into the same category at times.  i went to lunch to a friend's house a few days ago and she told me, "you're so busy."  and i thought... wow really am i??  i really thought that i try so hard not to be busy, but there is no hiding from it.  we are a people that schedules things way in advance and rarely does anything spontaneous.  we are a people with our cellphones in our hands all the time checking e-mail or facebook or the latest news.  we are a people that has earphones in our ears almost all the time in public.  we aren't very good at the personal deep relationships anymore... whatever is on facebook is what you get, as well as the other 598 other "friends" in their life.

i am not trying to be negative at all, though it may sound like it.  i'm just saying that in the year i've been off my blog, i had to learn that this is the life.  i still get face to face time with my friends and i still e-mail with my friends and others i write letters to.  i do have deep personal relationships with people, but i'm learning to understand that in the states relationships are shallow and wide.  i've lived in a place where it was a small pool of people and those people were it, you either break it or make it and if you make it, it's deep, personal and goes a long way.  two and a half years back in the states and still adjusting to some cultural differences.  this has just been a big piece.

so i think i may give this a try again.  i do still have friends that this is a good way to keep in touch because of distance...  it is a good outlet for me... and i love to write!!  please  bear with me as i begin again...

wood year

for 5 years of marriage, people are supposed to give wood for a present.  5 years after a death... maybe a bandaid.  the serious bandaging is over and over the years it's not as bad, but come to the day and it seems to open up on it's own that little scar... not as serious as the bandaging that was needed in the beginning, but enough that some antiseptic will make it sting and a bandaid will do.  it's not a big deal so you just want to ignore it, but throughout the day you accidentally bump it on something and it reminds you that it needs to be taken care of.

today it's a double header.  P's death and father's day are always around the same time and as much as i want to celebrate my dad and P's dad it makes it hard for me... but today it's on the same day.  i was talking to a friend this morning and we were discussing how certain days are just the most horrible days for some.  mother's day are torturous for all the women out there that want to be moms and can't or for the women who never had a mother or had an absent mother for one reason or the other.  father's day could be the same.  

A and i are vacationing in oklahoma city.  today we went to the zoo.  families everywhere...  it's like that on other days as well, but days like today make it suck.  and i just pray that A will not notice and have fun.  

i miss P everyday.  i want A to remember her wonderful daddy.  my heart hurts today.  

crisis counseling

tonight, i was convicted that i am not called to do crisis counseling.  i experienced another crisis today and i do not know, but my ability to be strong for others has gone down.  i cannot seem to keep myself together.

i was in crisis counseling class tonight when we heard an announcement, "we are on a lock down.  this is not a drill.  we are on a lock down."  my mind went blank, but i did all that we were supposed to do, like a mindless robot.  i closed my laptop and walked to the corner.  i sat next to friends and waited.  our prof told us to pray and so we did.  prayed for safety, prayed for the situation, prayed for the people involved in the situation... then i noticed i was shaking.  i couldn't stop.  i took deep breaths, but it really didn't help.  a classmate leaned against my legs and i wanted to support her, but after a while because i was so shakey, i couldn't.  after a while it stopped...

i thought about A, i thought about how the shots may penetrate the wall, i thought about what life for A would be like without me, i thought about how fear had overcome me, i thought about how quickly fear had overcome, i thought about how thankful i was for the guys in our class that stood by the door to protect, i thought...

it was a scary.  i was shaken up.  it was scary to walk to the car.  but on the way home, i was reminded that my faith is on built on solid ground.  i was reminded that God knows all things.

so it is in the Lord that i will put my trust and it is in the Lord that i will live my life.

sorrows in the crevices of life

i read in a book of a woman who shattered a glass jug after the death of her daughter and glued the jug back together again.  God used that as a healing tool, to see how shattered her life is and how God puts it back together.  these few months have felt like i needed to shatter something and God could have made a huge lesson out of that act, but instead He allowed the jug in my heart to keep filling and filling, with what i'm not sure, but i definitely could feel it, until it exploded into a million pieces.  tonight after the explosion, i spent an hour crying... i have been stuffing my heart with grief, not wanting to deal with it, ignoring the fact that it was there, pushing away the signs that told me i needed to stop... but i just kept going.  it's been over four years get over it E... right???  so wrong.

and tears well up again as i type this... last weekend i had a class where we talked about grief and crisis, there was no running from it any more, there it was right in my face... but i couldn't deal with it in class... so what do i do... stuff it again.  i should know better right... because who suffers the most besides me... A.  so today was the last straw... for both A and myself.  i cried as i prayed for her bedtime.  after she was in bed a little she called me and she was in tears.  then settling her in bed, i went to take a shower and cried.... and cried... and cried, which then reminded me of the times i cried in the shower after P died and cried some more.  thought i was done and started to work on a paper after the shower to find myself feeling the tension rise in my body....  this time i listened... stopped everything and went to the green couch to talk to God.  there i talked to him and explained to him how again this is just not what i expected.  how i really miss P.  then i started talking to P... i wish he was here to listen to all that i want to say.  an hour of this... then i started reading some letters i wrote to P after his death...  cried some more....  and still tears run down my cheek.

from far away a jug glued together may look like there is nothing wrong with it, rather it could look perfect and so beautiful, but the closer you go you notice the glue and the crevices where the pieces don't quite fit exactly together...  then you realize the imperfection of the jug that at one point what looked perfect is not so.  that's me.  i know many people look at me and think that i'm fine, perfect and beautiful, but the closer you look, you'll see the sorrow in the crevices and need of people to recognize it and help keep the jug from exploding again.  the Lord has done some amazing things in my life to turn sorrow into joy, but it's a continual coming back this thing called grief and it's quite disturbing of the every day life.  i cannot ever again let it stuff this long... do not like the exploding effects.  i need to be more mindful and intentional about taking care of the feelings that are underlying my everyday reactions during the day... the only way to do that is to stay grounded in the word and allow the holy spirit to continue to bring the things hiding in the dark to light that it may not plant bad seeds in my heart, but rather be burned to the core with truth.

Lord... i'm in a million pieces exploded all over... i ask for a new beautiful masterpiece... incorporating the old and bringing in new, but still showing the imperfections of me, at the same time demonstrating the perfection of your work in me.

E, you need to ... breath... abide... live... glorify... delight... trust... magnify... love...

going outward...

rise up.
be bold.
be about ME.
wake up and look around.
act!!

these are words that i hear God speaking to my heart.  my heart is bursting with passion, but don't know where to start.  i am going to start with ending my blog.  this will be my last entry.  i will close out the blog soon (when i learn how).

God has been revealing so much to me... a whole summer of illuminations as my professor calls them.  and i need to now act.  and sitting at home writing blogs just doesn't seem to me NOW (whereas before it was a place to express my raw feelings) as more than a way for me to connect with whoever is still reading this.  i did at one point wonder if my blog could help those in need and maybe it has, but honestly... i feel like it's just about me and what i'm going through... a way to get sympathy... some attention even maybe.  i desire real relationships!!  phone calls, e-mails, letters... i want to connect with people on a deeper level... have a covenant relationship with grace, empowerment and intimacy.  speak into each others lives and be humble enough to be sharpened and then to sharpen others.  i don't want to keep blogging about it, hoping that someone will understand my heart and do it with me... i want to act upon it and have it.  i honestly don't even want to have artificial friendships on facebook.  i look at 400+ friends on facebook and think those aren't real friendships because when i look at that, there are really only a handful of people that i would consider having the covenant, grace-filled, empowering, intimate relationships that i desire.

i guess you could read into my frustration a little bit.  this is the thing... i want realness... genuineness... in depth rawness and the ability to stand naked and unashamed in front of people... especially my brothers and sisters and Christ.  i feel that the church should be that and instead there is more slander, gossip, put-downs, distance within... it saddens me.

this closing of my blog is not all of a sudden.  i don't want to come across impulsive.  i have been writing less and less... i've been praying about ending facebook as well.  it's my desire to connect...

four more days

listening to the sounds of the singing cicadas on my squirrel free balcony (we had a squirrel living in our tomato plant, now gone) as i think of how i have four more days before school starts for both A and me.  i am very sad that i will not be able to take A to her first day of school because i have classes that day, but am thankful for God's provision in having my sister's school go through construction so she doesn't have to start school until after labor day, making it a little easier for me to be okay since she will be taking her to school and picking her up.

as a single mom, i think you give yourself a little bit more pressure to do everything right and be there for everything.  when you can't you feel like a failure... you want to make up for the loss that your child has so you try extra harder to make it even better.  i know in my mind that if P was here it would be different and i probably wouldn't have felt all these little things are so meaningful... but it is what it is and as much as i tell myself it is okay... i still feel the pressure and feel like i'm letting A down and that she will feel the missing piece.

the thing is, no matter how hard i work at it, she'll always feel the missing piece and that's what's going to make up her story... but as a mom... as a parent, you can't let it go so easy.  so i give my sister the day to fill my missing piece with camera along so i don't have to miss it...

so four more days... i haven't finished one book that i wanted to before i start class and the pressure is on.  i have 14 credit hours of classes, but i have more classes that has to do with theology this semester than previous, so a little nervous about that.  those professors are much harder.  :)

i just wanted to say a little something on this balcony as i sat here before i start my reading.

let the semester begin!!

in kansas on the boat... please pray for us as you look at the picture.

Not What I expected

What day is it?  What time is it?  What do we have to do next?  This is not what I wanted from this summer.  I wanted my last relaxing summer with A.  I guess I should have guessed that wasn’t going to be the case when I signed up for an internship.  Yet my hopes of a fun filled summer was high since I was only doing the internship three days a week.  Unfortunately, it became a summer of busyness.

Days at the pool were scarce.  Meeting people was rare.  Riding our bikes hardly existed.  All things I was hoping to do a lot this summer ended up being something that really didn’t happen.  I really wanted to spend time with families from A’s class and build relationships.  I wanted to do fun things with my friends and I think I got one movie in with JM and a paddle board date with RP.  

In all of the things I did not expect, something else unexpected happen.  God started planting seeds of what my future may/could look like.  It’s so crazy… It came in the most unexpected, last thing I thought could ever happen type of way.  I’m still praying about it so I won’t go into detail, but I just know that what I have been running from may be the one thing that brings joy into my life in serving the Lord.

Another unexpected thing God has been doing in my life is growing contentment in me.  I have been for years wanting to get out of being single.  I didn’t want to raise A alone, I didn’t want to be a widow, I wanted to share my life with someone else…  but this summer God has given me the gift of contentment.  I really am content and satisfied at the life God has given me.  I have been doing this a little over four years and God has walked me through all of this.  Life has been good and God has been faithful.  So this summer I have realized my contentment and how even though my desire still exists, my dire need to have someone has gone down.  

The good thing is that if the Lord is truly leading me in what I think He is, I’m so glad He has also worked on my heart to be content.  A is doing real good as well… of course she still misses her daddy and asks for a new one, I have been reminding her how God has been with us these years and when it’s time, He will provide, but for now… He wants us to be the P girls…  

I currently am sitting on the deck of the P cabin in the middle of Kansas.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I see and unending stretch of land, patches of green and brown/yellow.  I see hawks flying in the sky looking for food.  The wind is blowing making the trees and dry grass dance to its beat.  I wanted to go to this hill that P used to go to with his high school friends and pray, but I decided to spend a couple hours with grandma instead.  And now I find myself in the middle of nowhere listening to the wind blow and nature whisper sweet nothings to each other.  

This summer was nothing like what I expected, but God is everything I wanted.  Through these unexpected times in my life, God has been good and faithful.  He continues to lead each step of the way and I continue to wait in anticipation at what He will do.

Please continue to pray for us…

1. As we start school on August 22.  A is starting first grade (unbelievable) and I will hopefully be finishing my last semester.
2. As I continue to seek God’s will for us.
3. As we grow in Christ… I pray for purity, holiness and a passion for Him, that we may be called righteous before our King.
4. As the busyness of the school year starts that I could make sure to do things for myself and give A space to grow as well.

from my walk around the cabin

sunset at the cabin