a vapor in the wind

do you stop to think of the brevity of life?  i don't know if it's because of P's death that i find myself thinking about it more, but it's on my mind a lot.  before P's death we had a gathering once with our friends and we were sharing verses or songs that have been impacting our lives at that time and i remember he played fernando ortega's "all flesh is like grass" - it goes like this...

all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away
all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away

the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails
the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails

but the word of the Lord
endures forever
the word of the Lord
endures forever

there would be times after his death that i would listen to this and cry not because it would remind me of him, but understanding the truth behind it.  recently A and i heard a 5 minute clip from francis chan and he brought out a rope ... a really really long white rope and explained how that's our life.  then he had about three inches of this really really long white rope wrapped in red tape and explained that the red part was our time on earth.  brief...

my dad is in the hospital for about a week and a half now.  he went in with pneumonia and is better, but due to other complications with his dementia he has had to stay in longer.  i guess maybe that is what brought this thought on... or it could be that i find myself thinking at times what would happen if i die.... whatever the cause... our life on this earth is brief.  it is like grass that withers, flowers that shrivels, and like vapor in the wind...

what do i want to say about this??  i'm not sure, but that it was on my heart and i wanted to get it out there.  i was awakened the other day by a friend that told me, "you try so hard to no need help and make it seem like you got it all together... i mean come on it's been over five years..." something to that effect and totally sarcastic because i deserved it.  i was doing exactly what she was saying... i didn't want to put up the "i'm needy" sign anymore because i thought that people would think, "come on get over it it's been over five years"...  that pressure on myself has caused me a lot of grief... and one of it as my friend mentioned in the same conversation was not accepting tender loving care from people...  that particular friend, AH, especially would offer us to come over for dinner or go some place with them and i would decline, with stupid excuses like not wanting to interfere with their family time... but really maybe it was my pride... anyway... this has gone a different direction but it really isn't.

i'm missing the point.  God created us to live in community.  He wanted the orphans and widows to be taken care of because he knew what they would need.  God's desire wasn't for me to put up a front and say everything is okay, he wanted me to be vulnerable and humble before Him and people so that we could love one another, care for each other's needs.  during new year's day i had a theological conversation with a friend, KM, and we were talking about a lot of different things, but then it got to the orphans and the widows and KM said something that struck me.  he said how in the church there should not be single parents.  i remember when we dedicated A and people promised to come along side P and i to raise A... it wasn't going to be just us... that's what KM was saying.

really in the end i am writing this for myself.  life is short... E, you don't have to bear the burden of everything...  i mean it sucks that you work so hard to raise A and she tells you she misses dad... and as much as you know that it's not because you are doing a bad job, but it's genuinely because she misses her dad, you can't help but feel what a loser you are for not being able to fill those shoes and be both to her.  and you don't try to be dad and mom, but you kind of are so it hurts you...  and that's when you go to your family of believers... that's when you are vulnerable and say how sucky this whole thing is.... that's when you write that nasty letter to your deceased spouse and tell him off...  that's when you get on your knees and tell the Father drenched in tears, that's it's not by your strength, but the strength that He gives that you will be able to live this short life with wisdom, joy, grace and HOPE.

during pastor P's sermon this past sunday, i was struck by a few words...
BELIEVE
TRUST
DEPEND
i hadn't been doing it.  maybe that's why my 2013 sucked like i had mentioned in the previous blog.  maybe i started trusting myself, believing i could do it... depending on myself... no wonder my shoulders hurt all the time...  bearing all this burden on myself instead of casting it all on Him...  i was reading through John a while back... i can't remember when, but it was within the year and i was struck by how many times it has the word BELIEVE.  i could probably find it in my journal somewhere...  not that i stopped believing in God and the saving work He did through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, but i slowly shifted... not thinking i was depending on myself... but was... funny how Satan brings that deceit into our lives so slyly that you don't even realize that it's there.  telling you... "oh no... that little thing, you could do that yourself" or "come on, just this once... it's not a big deal why pray about it"...  all those lies.

today i heard on the radio how so many in this culture now don't need to pray or ask for  God's provision anymore because of the "POWER OF THE PLASTIC" that gives us all that we need whether we need it or not, so our coming to God has decreased.

that's maybe where i was heading.  so glad that through these past couple months and weeks, God has been seriously showing me my weaknesses and letting me bring them before Him... over and over again... in that i have found freedom... little by little feeling the burden lift from me and putting it at the foot of the cross for my Savior to take care of it.

perfection is demanded in this world and it is a perfection in the culture of busyness and chaos...  i am not perfect and neither will i ever be until i am face to face with my savior at home... and i want to be okay with that.

i was reading through 1 thessalonians today and the good old verse stuck out to me... "... but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts" (2:4).  i don't say what i am about to say out of disrespect, but out of the person i desire to be...  i am not going to care what i think people will think... i am not going to hold down feelings because i think i should be over it... i am going to be true to who i am and where i am in life because those times of really looking at myself and revealing to God the things of my heart are i believe the times that He is testing me to see if i am going to run to Him or live as the world tells me to live.

i feel like there was no flow to this entry, but i send it out to the cyber world to release my heart of this burden.  

here we come 2014

The beginning of 2014 was a frigid one.  I already drive like a grandma, but with a blizzard on the first, I drove like a super nanny to make my way to a party at 4027.  There is a saying in Korea that whatever you do on the first day of the  year is what the rest of the year will look like.  I spent it laughing and playing games in a warm house with good food.  Later trudging like an old grandma again home through the flying snow.

When you begin something, that means there is an end to something else... the beginning to 2014 means that it is an end to 2013.  I have been spending time reflecting on 2013 and looking into what I want to continue from 2013 and what I desire to begin in 2014.  Blogging is definitely one thing that I would like to start in 2014 again on a more continual basis.  I remember AB telling me that I should make that a part of my life when I was heading back to the states and told me to put it in my schedule.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, busyness has caught up with me, and to be totally honest with you, the busyness was my own stupidity on not using my time wisely...  giving my self "the right" to waste time because I "earned" it by working hard... but really come on... who needs two hours of tv or more a night or who needs that extra cookie or who needs to be on facebook for two minutes that turned into an hour of stalking  all for the "right" that we "earned"...  Counseling is all about self-care, but self-care is not indulgence and I feel that in my desire to care for myself, I have indulged way too much in certain areas.  So in 2014, instead of indulging in things that lead to nothingness... I am going to write again... not for anyone else but myself.  I want to express myself again... maybe that will lead to less money spent on massages to relieve the stress. I have been seeing a chiropractor for a few months now.  I go in once a month to get a massage and then realigned.  It has reduced a lot of pain around my shoulders and headaches that I have been getting.  Anyway when I asked the chiropractor how to reduce the pain and tension he answered, "get rid of the stress in your life" and we laughed together.  There are definite ways that I can reduce my stress or tension and that is to write about it.  So here we go...

I just finished typing up an update for all our supporters to send out pretty soon.  I was AWOL for like three years as I started up life here and as I typed 3 years worth of update on two pages, I realized how much I haven't really processed.  I realized that some of the stuff that I had been feeling and thinking about was all in my head and never let out.  That came as a surprise to me as I think I have...  I don't know how to explain it, but... especially 2013... it was a pretty dysfunctional year for me  in many different ways.  The beginning of 2013 was a rude awakening for me as I found myself driving a friend to the ER for conditions that matched P's during his last days.  I found myself days after feeling the effects of it all over again.  Found myself trapped in a nightmare that I had not had in a long time.  In those days, I realized that I need to stop running this marathon of wanting to be done quickly, but enjoy the process and give myself some breathing room.. giving myself time and space to think about all I've learned and how I'm going to use it for the glory of God.  I found myself following the ways of the world of wanting to finish quickly to get on to the next task and keep moving.  That's not what God had for me and as I processed the effects of that ER visit, God began to turn my semester upside down.  I was supposed to have graduated in May of 2013, but God wanted me to slow down and enjoy Him, so one way He showed me that He was in control was that a week before the semester started, my internship site called and told me that my supervisor quit and that there would be no one to supervise me for that semester.  With a week left to find a place, I realized that God was putting me in a place to slow down.  As I reflect on it now though, I spent little time enjoying Him and more time enjoying the world.  Of course I would spend time with the Lord, but I did not fully utilize the time given to me to "Bathe myself in Truth" as my friend, KS, says... instead I would watch tv (which is a serious downfall, weakness for me) or shop (another pitfall for me).  I liked being alone, which is not how God created us... He wants us to be in community, but my defense for that was people were too busy for me, so I was just going to enjoy myself.  That was a good part of 2013, but God is good.  He sometimes allows us to wallow in our self pity and let us do our pouting and whatever else it is we want to do...  Then He started turning me around again to see His face in the midst of my self-centered life... Bringing me back to His word and putting Himself in the center of my fears and anxieties, helping me understand that He is in control.  

The start of a new year is hard for me...  It's right after the holidays that remind both A and myself the absences of P and then the end of January P and I started dating, so it's like a reminder of  all that was lost... February rolls around and it's full of A's birthday, Valentine's day (that usually doesn't bother me, but now that he's gone it does), then it's our wedding anniversary.  So last year after the ER visit and having to go through all that, the birthday and the party, Valentine's day - seeing people go on dates and all that mushy stuff, then our anniversary...  it just was a rough start for 2013.

This year I am hopeful.  For the first time holidays were good... I mean really good.  Thanksgiving was spent with people we love then Christmas and New Year's was spent with the family group of people at 4027.  Anna and I made new memories and followed some old traditions.  I found myself giving myself permission to let go of things that were P and I that didn't really fit me and A.  A and I enjoyed time with each other and away from each other, even allowing myself to feel guiltless about enjoying my time without my daughter.  Within a month I spent 8 days without her.  It was fabulous!!!

Today after the Polar Vortex, A started school and we are back on a routine, which I am super pumped about.  Yay!!  Five and a half years later and you still find yourself at a new place you reached of life without the spouse.  More and more the Lord is healing me and allowing me to continue to wrestle with him when needed.  

Please pray for me:

1.  To be diligent in my walk with the Lord and not fall into my pitfalls.

2.  To finish well this things called grad school - Graduation date May 17.

3.  To be wise in my parenting.

Please pray for A:

1.  To continue to grow in God's word and have a hunger for it.

2.  To grow intellectually at school.

3.  To process well her life with a single parent, the grief, the joy, the pain and the fun of it all.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

dunking in lake michigan

when A started eating baby food, we would pray with her before she ate.  as she started learning words, i taught her a korean prayer that's a cute little song for kids that is specifically for before you eat.  as A started putting phrases together one of the first things she would say was, "pray _______" and would fill in the blank with people in her life.  this would happen at any time of the day, most of the time multiple times during the day, stopping her daddy or me from whatever we were doing to put her in our lap so that we could pray for whoever she brought up.  at times it would be people that we had been praying for, others it would be random, but mostly it was for the kids that played at our house, her aunts and uncles and us.  a little after she turned 2, P started meeting with a guy, JR.  he was not a believer and P and this other guy from our school would meet with him often, telling him about Christ and walking him through that process.  during that time JR came to our house a lot and loved on A, so naturally she began saying, "pray JR".  but he was the focus of her prayer for like two weeks at one point.  at the end of those two weeks, P got a call from JR telling him that he accepted Jesus as his Savior and couldn't wait to tell us about it.  i don't think at that time she fully understood what it meant to be a believer, but i have no doubt that she was used by God through those prayers we lifted up.

at age two, A lost her daddy.  through many discussions, A began to understand more and more that daddy was in heaven.  she learned that for her to get to heaven she needed to believe in Jesus and that's all she needed to know.  as she grew, she understood more and more what it meant to believe in Jesus, that believing in Jesus isn't about daddy.  believing in Jesus was about her and her sin.  i remember a time last year when she came up to me and told me that she was dirty because she is a sinner.  then she told me that she wanted to write a book so that people could know that and believe in Jesus so that they could be clean and go to heaven.  her theology grew.

when A was four, she asked me if she could be baptized.  i told her that i would like her to be a little older so she could understand what it means and remember that special day.  she argued me saying that she believes in Jesus and that she should be baptized.  maybe it wasn't a fight i should have fought, but i really thought she should be older.

about a month ago, our church announced that there would be a day of baptism in august and that if anyone was interested that they should talk to one of the pastor's.  i brought it up to A and told her to pray about it.  she said she wanted to, so we went to talk to a pastor.  as the days passed and we were praying about being baptized, talking about it and stuff, i guess A was processing the whole thing...  a couple weeks after having met the pastor, A comes up to me during our quiet time and says, "mom, i want to believe in Jesus so i could remember this time."  she brought me this book she was reading for her quiet time that had a prayer written in it for those who wanted to commit their life to Christ.  she read through it on my lap and then walked off to finish her quiet time.

today, my little girl was baptized in lake michigan.  it was a proud moment for me as well as an emotional experience.  my little girl... the more she grows the heavier the responsibility i feel as a mom.  i pray and lately i feel like wow i need to be on my knees more for this little one, who actually isn't so little anymore.

please be praying with me for this little one!!!

Back??

this evening i sit on my bed thinking about my blog.  i really enjoyed blogging, sending my thoughts out to the unknown world of cyberspace...  maybe someone would read it, but if not... at least it's off my chest, right?  it's been about a year since I quit blogging for the public.  it was because I didn't feel like I was connecting with people on a personal basis.  i would get a little hurt when people would tell me that they are reading my blog, wanting the personal relationship of e-mail, letters, texts, phone calls, or coffee (although i don't drink it, i'd love to sit and talk over it, i'll have a diet coke or a chai tea latte, but actually i found a new favorite, but can't remember the name), especially people who i thought would use other means than the blog.  over the course of this year, i learned a lot.  some of the posts that i had written while i was AWOL, i didn't post because they were some personal things, reflected this time of learning.

i learned that life now is on the blog, on facebook, on twitter...  but very rarely face to face.  american life is busy.  people are constantly racing time and lose to it, even with the countless amounts of coffee or energy drinks that we consume.  i fall into the same category at times.  i went to lunch to a friend's house a few days ago and she told me, "you're so busy."  and i thought... wow really am i??  i really thought that i try so hard not to be busy, but there is no hiding from it.  we are a people that schedules things way in advance and rarely does anything spontaneous.  we are a people with our cellphones in our hands all the time checking e-mail or facebook or the latest news.  we are a people that has earphones in our ears almost all the time in public.  we aren't very good at the personal deep relationships anymore... whatever is on facebook is what you get, as well as the other 598 other "friends" in their life.

i am not trying to be negative at all, though it may sound like it.  i'm just saying that in the year i've been off my blog, i had to learn that this is the life.  i still get face to face time with my friends and i still e-mail with my friends and others i write letters to.  i do have deep personal relationships with people, but i'm learning to understand that in the states relationships are shallow and wide.  i've lived in a place where it was a small pool of people and those people were it, you either break it or make it and if you make it, it's deep, personal and goes a long way.  two and a half years back in the states and still adjusting to some cultural differences.  this has just been a big piece.

so i think i may give this a try again.  i do still have friends that this is a good way to keep in touch because of distance...  it is a good outlet for me... and i love to write!!  please  bear with me as i begin again...

wood year

for 5 years of marriage, people are supposed to give wood for a present.  5 years after a death... maybe a bandaid.  the serious bandaging is over and over the years it's not as bad, but come to the day and it seems to open up on it's own that little scar... not as serious as the bandaging that was needed in the beginning, but enough that some antiseptic will make it sting and a bandaid will do.  it's not a big deal so you just want to ignore it, but throughout the day you accidentally bump it on something and it reminds you that it needs to be taken care of.

today it's a double header.  P's death and father's day are always around the same time and as much as i want to celebrate my dad and P's dad it makes it hard for me... but today it's on the same day.  i was talking to a friend this morning and we were discussing how certain days are just the most horrible days for some.  mother's day are torturous for all the women out there that want to be moms and can't or for the women who never had a mother or had an absent mother for one reason or the other.  father's day could be the same.  

A and i are vacationing in oklahoma city.  today we went to the zoo.  families everywhere...  it's like that on other days as well, but days like today make it suck.  and i just pray that A will not notice and have fun.  

i miss P everyday.  i want A to remember her wonderful daddy.  my heart hurts today.  

crisis counseling

tonight, i was convicted that i am not called to do crisis counseling.  i experienced another crisis today and i do not know, but my ability to be strong for others has gone down.  i cannot seem to keep myself together.

i was in crisis counseling class tonight when we heard an announcement, "we are on a lock down.  this is not a drill.  we are on a lock down."  my mind went blank, but i did all that we were supposed to do, like a mindless robot.  i closed my laptop and walked to the corner.  i sat next to friends and waited.  our prof told us to pray and so we did.  prayed for safety, prayed for the situation, prayed for the people involved in the situation... then i noticed i was shaking.  i couldn't stop.  i took deep breaths, but it really didn't help.  a classmate leaned against my legs and i wanted to support her, but after a while because i was so shakey, i couldn't.  after a while it stopped...

i thought about A, i thought about how the shots may penetrate the wall, i thought about what life for A would be like without me, i thought about how fear had overcome me, i thought about how quickly fear had overcome, i thought about how thankful i was for the guys in our class that stood by the door to protect, i thought...

it was a scary.  i was shaken up.  it was scary to walk to the car.  but on the way home, i was reminded that my faith is on built on solid ground.  i was reminded that God knows all things.

so it is in the Lord that i will put my trust and it is in the Lord that i will live my life.

sorrows in the crevices of life

i read in a book of a woman who shattered a glass jug after the death of her daughter and glued the jug back together again.  God used that as a healing tool, to see how shattered her life is and how God puts it back together.  these few months have felt like i needed to shatter something and God could have made a huge lesson out of that act, but instead He allowed the jug in my heart to keep filling and filling, with what i'm not sure, but i definitely could feel it, until it exploded into a million pieces.  tonight after the explosion, i spent an hour crying... i have been stuffing my heart with grief, not wanting to deal with it, ignoring the fact that it was there, pushing away the signs that told me i needed to stop... but i just kept going.  it's been over four years get over it E... right???  so wrong.

and tears well up again as i type this... last weekend i had a class where we talked about grief and crisis, there was no running from it any more, there it was right in my face... but i couldn't deal with it in class... so what do i do... stuff it again.  i should know better right... because who suffers the most besides me... A.  so today was the last straw... for both A and myself.  i cried as i prayed for her bedtime.  after she was in bed a little she called me and she was in tears.  then settling her in bed, i went to take a shower and cried.... and cried... and cried, which then reminded me of the times i cried in the shower after P died and cried some more.  thought i was done and started to work on a paper after the shower to find myself feeling the tension rise in my body....  this time i listened... stopped everything and went to the green couch to talk to God.  there i talked to him and explained to him how again this is just not what i expected.  how i really miss P.  then i started talking to P... i wish he was here to listen to all that i want to say.  an hour of this... then i started reading some letters i wrote to P after his death...  cried some more....  and still tears run down my cheek.

from far away a jug glued together may look like there is nothing wrong with it, rather it could look perfect and so beautiful, but the closer you go you notice the glue and the crevices where the pieces don't quite fit exactly together...  then you realize the imperfection of the jug that at one point what looked perfect is not so.  that's me.  i know many people look at me and think that i'm fine, perfect and beautiful, but the closer you look, you'll see the sorrow in the crevices and need of people to recognize it and help keep the jug from exploding again.  the Lord has done some amazing things in my life to turn sorrow into joy, but it's a continual coming back this thing called grief and it's quite disturbing of the every day life.  i cannot ever again let it stuff this long... do not like the exploding effects.  i need to be more mindful and intentional about taking care of the feelings that are underlying my everyday reactions during the day... the only way to do that is to stay grounded in the word and allow the holy spirit to continue to bring the things hiding in the dark to light that it may not plant bad seeds in my heart, but rather be burned to the core with truth.

Lord... i'm in a million pieces exploded all over... i ask for a new beautiful masterpiece... incorporating the old and bringing in new, but still showing the imperfections of me, at the same time demonstrating the perfection of your work in me.

E, you need to ... breath... abide... live... glorify... delight... trust... magnify... love...