seriously a decade?

last week RB and TB celebrated their tenth year of marriage.  their wedding was what the start of my relationship with P because after the wedding as P drove them to their hotel, RB told P that he had to ask me out before they got back from their honeymoon.  what RB hadn't known was I was almost through with P.

i had gone to a christmas party at P's place a little over a month before their wedding date.  at the party, i gave P my number because he wanted to get together with some people to go ice-skating.  i was waiting for a month for him to call... but i got absolutely nothing.  when school started back up from winter break, P did not come to sub for a while.  then when he did, he started coming to my room before he went to lunch to ask if he could pick something up for me too.  that week we started taking turns buying lunch for each other, but nothing was talked about.  i was starting to think he was a player or something... ha ha... then it happened, 10 years ago yesterday, he called me and asked me out!!!  10 years ago today we went on our first date.  i cannot believe it's been that long.

10 years ago today, P picked me up and took me out for coffee.  i remember my sister and friends telling me to dress up, but i was like you guys don't know P... he's not someone to dress up.  so i wore jeans and a cute sweater and my red coat.  P wore jeans and a sweater and a jacket.  i knew him...  :)  at the coffee shop we talked about our families, what we like and stuff like that and then we went to the weirdest show in the world.  why he took me there is beyond me, but nonetheless i had fun.

10 years... that's a decade.  i kind of feel really old.  the picture below is not from our first date, but it was the summer that followed.  we were young.

Theology = happily ever after?

Every girls' dream growing up is meeting her Prince Charming and living happily ever after.  I've actually been impressed with Disney with the past few movies like "Brave" and "Frozen" and "Wreck It Ralph"...  True love was not in with a man in a woman, but was portrayed between a mom and a daughter, two sisters and two friends.  But I realized last week during bible study how my theology was wrong and it was more along the lines of Princess movies than God's word.

God always is working in my heart, teaching me about Himself and who I am in Him, bringing light into the dark places of my life, asking me to give things up, depend on Him, trust Him, follow Him, believe in Him... Last week during Bible Study, my life was a little turned upside down as my theology was questioned, as I grappled with the very opposite of what I thought was true...  How could this be and how could I continue to believe in all that I know with this earthquake.

Our Women's Bible Study is studying 12 women of the Bible.  It started out with Eve, then Rebekkah and last week it was Leah....  My theology was based on the stories of Job, Hannah, Sarah, Rachel... but not on Leah.  Where does Leah fit in my theology??  Nowhere... at least not until last week.

I have realized and still continue to realize the strong grip, the grip that makes your knuckles turn white at times... well that was my grip on the theology that God is the God of Job, where when He gives, He takes away and then He blesses two folds.  My theology was that God is the God of Hannah and Sarah and Rachel where when you ask, God listens and grants the desires of your heart.  My theology did not have room for Leah and I don't even know if I was ready to hear it when I did, but...

Leah was a woman who was weak in the eyes.  The study pointed out that we don't know if it was that she couldn't see or if the glimmer in her eyes were not like those of attractive girls, but nevertheless people knew this fact.  Obviously Jacob knew this fact and that's why in his eyes he only saw Rachel and didn't see or notice Leah.  Leah having been forced to marry a man who did not love her and she may not have loved either, but her only desire was to be loved or at least noticed by her husband.  And though she bore him boy after boy, it continues to state how Jacob loved Rachel, not Leah.  Poor Leah right??  Yet when she has Judah, she realizes that it's not Jacob who she wants to focus on, but the Lord and praise God, while the other three, if you look at the meanings of their names, were for her husband.  This was a constant struggle in her life, at times she was focused on the Lord, other times she was in competition with her sister.

Hmmm not all stories are that of Job, Hannah, Sarah or Rachel, but there are stories like Leah...  God's character is no different in Leah's story in comparison with Job's or the others'... the only difference is the outcome.  Job and the others' if you look saw their blessing on this side of heaven, but Leah... her blessing came after she was done.  The son she praised God with became the lineage to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.   God heard Leah, He was with her, He was her strong tower and it was a little lonely for her at times, but God was no different in this story than the others...  The way He used Leah was different.  That's all.

I'm ashamed to say this, but my theology of Job was what I was hoping for me... not just hoping, but holding on to that with my hands tight, knuckles turning white, almost losing the feelings in my hand... But then today's Bible study made me realize and remember truths from my past that got lost through these years... All things we hold onto with open hands...  "We should live our lives in a fluid dance of surrender with God.  You have to surrender, and surrender often." - Amena Brown

My strong grip is that of a little girl wanting to wear her princess dress all week long, wherever she went... stinking it up by the end of the week and not wanting to part with it.  I made my life into this stench, not wanting to take off this false theology...  wanting to hold on to only the things that I thought was good.  That princess dress along with my theology need a wash... and when it's clean you could see and smell the truth of what it is...

My theology is that of Job and of Leah.  I hold on to all things with an open hand and prayerfully depend on God to keep those hands open as I continue to honestly tell Him how the things of my heart trusting that He is listening and will do as He wills.  I can't live without His Spirit.

guilty??

i feel like i have a lot to say lately. maybe because i hadn't blogged in a long time, but this week has been a blessing and i am deciding not to feel guilty about it.

this semester i have one class, wednesday mornings.  the rest of the week is up to God and a little of me scheduling things, but other than the class, i am in a sub pool and if i get called, depending on what i'm doing that day, i could accept or decline.  honestly i have declined all of them last semester and this semester i haven't been able to yet.  but every time i decline a job or am at home, i feel a sense of guilt.  i feel pressure of having to do something.  but not anymore... no more guilt and this is why.

being a stay at home mom is a blessing.  i know i will not be doing it long nor will i be able to do it long, but when i can, i would like to.  i remember after P died and we were going through some difficulty with the life insurance and at one point i was talking to our finance person, i kind of lost it and said, "tell them to keep the money, i don't care about it."  and our finance person was so sweet, gentle and caring... she said, "E, i remember when you and P were in my office and we were discussing life insurance and P said he really wanted you to have it so you and A could be taken care of if anything would happen."  i remember crying after hearing that...  and i find myself crying at times from time to time remembering those words when i don't have to work and am able to stay at home.  P and i talked about how we wanted me to stay at home.  i come from an immigrant family.  both of my parents worked super hard to make life for us here in the states.  at times it was just to make ends meet and at times to live means there are sacrifices you have to make, sometimes it was time with the kids...  i made a promise to myself that if i could be, i want to be home with my kids... at least be the face they saw when they went to school and the face with the plate of cookies and milk when they got home from school.  

i used to think, "what do stay at home moms do all day long"... so boring.  granted i have been in school these past two years and this semester is the first semester really with one class and it's only been the first full week since A has been back at school, but i have truly enjoyed my time and have been getting things done that i feel i haven't been able to do for a long time... like go through our storage and  get rid of stuff, sort through A's clothes for the ones that don't fit anymore and find ones that do fit from our pile of hand-me-downs, cook real home cooked meals that actually take time and thought, grocery shop for good healthy food, blog, really sit and process, catch up to e-mails that have been piling up...  okay so this was just a weeks worth and maybe after a while i won't want to do this... but the point is stay at home moms, especially the ones with little ones are busy people.  

i honestly feel bad for those moms that go through guilt trips being a stay at home mom.  for whatever lies have been planted in their hearts and even mine, they are not able to enjoy the blessing the Lord has given them...  the financial stability to be able to stay home (or the contentment of a simple life to be home with the kids), the blessing to be the one that invests in the kids that God has entrusted them with... i have lies in my heart and it fights with my desire to be available for my daughter.  the lie of having to be doing something (making money) to have worth.  the lie that i am not teaching my daughter the values of working hard.  the lie that i need to keep up with the jones' so even if i have money i have to make more so i could have more and own more.  BUT there are lies on the other end as well.  i mean i think my desire to be there for my daughter is valid, but i have to say there are lies there as well.  the lie that tells me if i miss one thing, a school event or a concert or a class party, then my daughter is going to end up messed up.  the lie that if i stay home with her everything will be perfect.  the lie that being there for her every step of the way she'll turn out like a model person.

lies on both ends... but as my professors always say... it's good to be aware of both sides, no matter what it is.  when we are fully aware of what two forces are working in us, we are more conscious when we make decisions.  so yes i know the lies that are within me.  i know what makes me go to either extreme.  but i also know that there are seasons of life.  right now i know God is preparing...  He is working... He is helping me to my next step, whatever that may be.  so i am going to take strides and not feel guilty when i do and can take days to stay at home and do laundry and catch up on e-mails.  

i also by no means am giving myself permission to be lazy and flamboyant with my time.  i continue to live for His Kingdom and will look up toward home... i will continue to find ways to serve Him to whatever capacity i can...  i will continue to grow myself and care for myself so that i could be better prepared to be a godly wise mom to my beautiful daughter.  and i think the latter part of this is what has drawn me to really enjoy having time... i am able to study, i mean really study God's word this week and i know that since i am spending more time with Him, His spirit is ever so strongly communing with me and i with Him.  it has been a blessing... AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

i instead will praise God for His provisions.  i instead will be thankful for a  loving husband who wanted to care for us even after he was gone.  i instead will work when i want and be there for A when she needs me or work when i need to and leave A in God's hands.  i instead will continue to seek God's will and live in the leading of the Sprit.  i instead will receive the care that God wants to do to my soul.  i instead will live as a free child of God and caught in the web of Satan's lies.  i instead will live for His Kingdom and be opportunities to bring glory to His name.  

a vapor in the wind

do you stop to think of the brevity of life?  i don't know if it's because of P's death that i find myself thinking about it more, but it's on my mind a lot.  before P's death we had a gathering once with our friends and we were sharing verses or songs that have been impacting our lives at that time and i remember he played fernando ortega's "all flesh is like grass" - it goes like this...

all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away
all flesh is like the grass
the grass withers and fades away

the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails
the glory of man, like a flower
that shrivels in the sun and fails

but the word of the Lord
endures forever
the word of the Lord
endures forever

there would be times after his death that i would listen to this and cry not because it would remind me of him, but understanding the truth behind it.  recently A and i heard a 5 minute clip from francis chan and he brought out a rope ... a really really long white rope and explained how that's our life.  then he had about three inches of this really really long white rope wrapped in red tape and explained that the red part was our time on earth.  brief...

my dad is in the hospital for about a week and a half now.  he went in with pneumonia and is better, but due to other complications with his dementia he has had to stay in longer.  i guess maybe that is what brought this thought on... or it could be that i find myself thinking at times what would happen if i die.... whatever the cause... our life on this earth is brief.  it is like grass that withers, flowers that shrivels, and like vapor in the wind...

what do i want to say about this??  i'm not sure, but that it was on my heart and i wanted to get it out there.  i was awakened the other day by a friend that told me, "you try so hard to no need help and make it seem like you got it all together... i mean come on it's been over five years..." something to that effect and totally sarcastic because i deserved it.  i was doing exactly what she was saying... i didn't want to put up the "i'm needy" sign anymore because i thought that people would think, "come on get over it it's been over five years"...  that pressure on myself has caused me a lot of grief... and one of it as my friend mentioned in the same conversation was not accepting tender loving care from people...  that particular friend, AH, especially would offer us to come over for dinner or go some place with them and i would decline, with stupid excuses like not wanting to interfere with their family time... but really maybe it was my pride... anyway... this has gone a different direction but it really isn't.

i'm missing the point.  God created us to live in community.  He wanted the orphans and widows to be taken care of because he knew what they would need.  God's desire wasn't for me to put up a front and say everything is okay, he wanted me to be vulnerable and humble before Him and people so that we could love one another, care for each other's needs.  during new year's day i had a theological conversation with a friend, KM, and we were talking about a lot of different things, but then it got to the orphans and the widows and KM said something that struck me.  he said how in the church there should not be single parents.  i remember when we dedicated A and people promised to come along side P and i to raise A... it wasn't going to be just us... that's what KM was saying.

really in the end i am writing this for myself.  life is short... E, you don't have to bear the burden of everything...  i mean it sucks that you work so hard to raise A and she tells you she misses dad... and as much as you know that it's not because you are doing a bad job, but it's genuinely because she misses her dad, you can't help but feel what a loser you are for not being able to fill those shoes and be both to her.  and you don't try to be dad and mom, but you kind of are so it hurts you...  and that's when you go to your family of believers... that's when you are vulnerable and say how sucky this whole thing is.... that's when you write that nasty letter to your deceased spouse and tell him off...  that's when you get on your knees and tell the Father drenched in tears, that's it's not by your strength, but the strength that He gives that you will be able to live this short life with wisdom, joy, grace and HOPE.

during pastor P's sermon this past sunday, i was struck by a few words...
BELIEVE
TRUST
DEPEND
i hadn't been doing it.  maybe that's why my 2013 sucked like i had mentioned in the previous blog.  maybe i started trusting myself, believing i could do it... depending on myself... no wonder my shoulders hurt all the time...  bearing all this burden on myself instead of casting it all on Him...  i was reading through John a while back... i can't remember when, but it was within the year and i was struck by how many times it has the word BELIEVE.  i could probably find it in my journal somewhere...  not that i stopped believing in God and the saving work He did through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, but i slowly shifted... not thinking i was depending on myself... but was... funny how Satan brings that deceit into our lives so slyly that you don't even realize that it's there.  telling you... "oh no... that little thing, you could do that yourself" or "come on, just this once... it's not a big deal why pray about it"...  all those lies.

today i heard on the radio how so many in this culture now don't need to pray or ask for  God's provision anymore because of the "POWER OF THE PLASTIC" that gives us all that we need whether we need it or not, so our coming to God has decreased.

that's maybe where i was heading.  so glad that through these past couple months and weeks, God has been seriously showing me my weaknesses and letting me bring them before Him... over and over again... in that i have found freedom... little by little feeling the burden lift from me and putting it at the foot of the cross for my Savior to take care of it.

perfection is demanded in this world and it is a perfection in the culture of busyness and chaos...  i am not perfect and neither will i ever be until i am face to face with my savior at home... and i want to be okay with that.

i was reading through 1 thessalonians today and the good old verse stuck out to me... "... but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts" (2:4).  i don't say what i am about to say out of disrespect, but out of the person i desire to be...  i am not going to care what i think people will think... i am not going to hold down feelings because i think i should be over it... i am going to be true to who i am and where i am in life because those times of really looking at myself and revealing to God the things of my heart are i believe the times that He is testing me to see if i am going to run to Him or live as the world tells me to live.

i feel like there was no flow to this entry, but i send it out to the cyber world to release my heart of this burden.  

here we come 2014

The beginning of 2014 was a frigid one.  I already drive like a grandma, but with a blizzard on the first, I drove like a super nanny to make my way to a party at 4027.  There is a saying in Korea that whatever you do on the first day of the  year is what the rest of the year will look like.  I spent it laughing and playing games in a warm house with good food.  Later trudging like an old grandma again home through the flying snow.

When you begin something, that means there is an end to something else... the beginning to 2014 means that it is an end to 2013.  I have been spending time reflecting on 2013 and looking into what I want to continue from 2013 and what I desire to begin in 2014.  Blogging is definitely one thing that I would like to start in 2014 again on a more continual basis.  I remember AB telling me that I should make that a part of my life when I was heading back to the states and told me to put it in my schedule.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, busyness has caught up with me, and to be totally honest with you, the busyness was my own stupidity on not using my time wisely...  giving my self "the right" to waste time because I "earned" it by working hard... but really come on... who needs two hours of tv or more a night or who needs that extra cookie or who needs to be on facebook for two minutes that turned into an hour of stalking  all for the "right" that we "earned"...  Counseling is all about self-care, but self-care is not indulgence and I feel that in my desire to care for myself, I have indulged way too much in certain areas.  So in 2014, instead of indulging in things that lead to nothingness... I am going to write again... not for anyone else but myself.  I want to express myself again... maybe that will lead to less money spent on massages to relieve the stress. I have been seeing a chiropractor for a few months now.  I go in once a month to get a massage and then realigned.  It has reduced a lot of pain around my shoulders and headaches that I have been getting.  Anyway when I asked the chiropractor how to reduce the pain and tension he answered, "get rid of the stress in your life" and we laughed together.  There are definite ways that I can reduce my stress or tension and that is to write about it.  So here we go...

I just finished typing up an update for all our supporters to send out pretty soon.  I was AWOL for like three years as I started up life here and as I typed 3 years worth of update on two pages, I realized how much I haven't really processed.  I realized that some of the stuff that I had been feeling and thinking about was all in my head and never let out.  That came as a surprise to me as I think I have...  I don't know how to explain it, but... especially 2013... it was a pretty dysfunctional year for me  in many different ways.  The beginning of 2013 was a rude awakening for me as I found myself driving a friend to the ER for conditions that matched P's during his last days.  I found myself days after feeling the effects of it all over again.  Found myself trapped in a nightmare that I had not had in a long time.  In those days, I realized that I need to stop running this marathon of wanting to be done quickly, but enjoy the process and give myself some breathing room.. giving myself time and space to think about all I've learned and how I'm going to use it for the glory of God.  I found myself following the ways of the world of wanting to finish quickly to get on to the next task and keep moving.  That's not what God had for me and as I processed the effects of that ER visit, God began to turn my semester upside down.  I was supposed to have graduated in May of 2013, but God wanted me to slow down and enjoy Him, so one way He showed me that He was in control was that a week before the semester started, my internship site called and told me that my supervisor quit and that there would be no one to supervise me for that semester.  With a week left to find a place, I realized that God was putting me in a place to slow down.  As I reflect on it now though, I spent little time enjoying Him and more time enjoying the world.  Of course I would spend time with the Lord, but I did not fully utilize the time given to me to "Bathe myself in Truth" as my friend, KS, says... instead I would watch tv (which is a serious downfall, weakness for me) or shop (another pitfall for me).  I liked being alone, which is not how God created us... He wants us to be in community, but my defense for that was people were too busy for me, so I was just going to enjoy myself.  That was a good part of 2013, but God is good.  He sometimes allows us to wallow in our self pity and let us do our pouting and whatever else it is we want to do...  Then He started turning me around again to see His face in the midst of my self-centered life... Bringing me back to His word and putting Himself in the center of my fears and anxieties, helping me understand that He is in control.  

The start of a new year is hard for me...  It's right after the holidays that remind both A and myself the absences of P and then the end of January P and I started dating, so it's like a reminder of  all that was lost... February rolls around and it's full of A's birthday, Valentine's day (that usually doesn't bother me, but now that he's gone it does), then it's our wedding anniversary.  So last year after the ER visit and having to go through all that, the birthday and the party, Valentine's day - seeing people go on dates and all that mushy stuff, then our anniversary...  it just was a rough start for 2013.

This year I am hopeful.  For the first time holidays were good... I mean really good.  Thanksgiving was spent with people we love then Christmas and New Year's was spent with the family group of people at 4027.  Anna and I made new memories and followed some old traditions.  I found myself giving myself permission to let go of things that were P and I that didn't really fit me and A.  A and I enjoyed time with each other and away from each other, even allowing myself to feel guiltless about enjoying my time without my daughter.  Within a month I spent 8 days without her.  It was fabulous!!!

Today after the Polar Vortex, A started school and we are back on a routine, which I am super pumped about.  Yay!!  Five and a half years later and you still find yourself at a new place you reached of life without the spouse.  More and more the Lord is healing me and allowing me to continue to wrestle with him when needed.  

Please pray for me:

1.  To be diligent in my walk with the Lord and not fall into my pitfalls.

2.  To finish well this things called grad school - Graduation date May 17.

3.  To be wise in my parenting.

Please pray for A:

1.  To continue to grow in God's word and have a hunger for it.

2.  To grow intellectually at school.

3.  To process well her life with a single parent, the grief, the joy, the pain and the fun of it all.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

dunking in lake michigan

when A started eating baby food, we would pray with her before she ate.  as she started learning words, i taught her a korean prayer that's a cute little song for kids that is specifically for before you eat.  as A started putting phrases together one of the first things she would say was, "pray _______" and would fill in the blank with people in her life.  this would happen at any time of the day, most of the time multiple times during the day, stopping her daddy or me from whatever we were doing to put her in our lap so that we could pray for whoever she brought up.  at times it would be people that we had been praying for, others it would be random, but mostly it was for the kids that played at our house, her aunts and uncles and us.  a little after she turned 2, P started meeting with a guy, JR.  he was not a believer and P and this other guy from our school would meet with him often, telling him about Christ and walking him through that process.  during that time JR came to our house a lot and loved on A, so naturally she began saying, "pray JR".  but he was the focus of her prayer for like two weeks at one point.  at the end of those two weeks, P got a call from JR telling him that he accepted Jesus as his Savior and couldn't wait to tell us about it.  i don't think at that time she fully understood what it meant to be a believer, but i have no doubt that she was used by God through those prayers we lifted up.

at age two, A lost her daddy.  through many discussions, A began to understand more and more that daddy was in heaven.  she learned that for her to get to heaven she needed to believe in Jesus and that's all she needed to know.  as she grew, she understood more and more what it meant to believe in Jesus, that believing in Jesus isn't about daddy.  believing in Jesus was about her and her sin.  i remember a time last year when she came up to me and told me that she was dirty because she is a sinner.  then she told me that she wanted to write a book so that people could know that and believe in Jesus so that they could be clean and go to heaven.  her theology grew.

when A was four, she asked me if she could be baptized.  i told her that i would like her to be a little older so she could understand what it means and remember that special day.  she argued me saying that she believes in Jesus and that she should be baptized.  maybe it wasn't a fight i should have fought, but i really thought she should be older.

about a month ago, our church announced that there would be a day of baptism in august and that if anyone was interested that they should talk to one of the pastor's.  i brought it up to A and told her to pray about it.  she said she wanted to, so we went to talk to a pastor.  as the days passed and we were praying about being baptized, talking about it and stuff, i guess A was processing the whole thing...  a couple weeks after having met the pastor, A comes up to me during our quiet time and says, "mom, i want to believe in Jesus so i could remember this time."  she brought me this book she was reading for her quiet time that had a prayer written in it for those who wanted to commit their life to Christ.  she read through it on my lap and then walked off to finish her quiet time.

today, my little girl was baptized in lake michigan.  it was a proud moment for me as well as an emotional experience.  my little girl... the more she grows the heavier the responsibility i feel as a mom.  i pray and lately i feel like wow i need to be on my knees more for this little one, who actually isn't so little anymore.

please be praying with me for this little one!!!

Back??

this evening i sit on my bed thinking about my blog.  i really enjoyed blogging, sending my thoughts out to the unknown world of cyberspace...  maybe someone would read it, but if not... at least it's off my chest, right?  it's been about a year since I quit blogging for the public.  it was because I didn't feel like I was connecting with people on a personal basis.  i would get a little hurt when people would tell me that they are reading my blog, wanting the personal relationship of e-mail, letters, texts, phone calls, or coffee (although i don't drink it, i'd love to sit and talk over it, i'll have a diet coke or a chai tea latte, but actually i found a new favorite, but can't remember the name), especially people who i thought would use other means than the blog.  over the course of this year, i learned a lot.  some of the posts that i had written while i was AWOL, i didn't post because they were some personal things, reflected this time of learning.

i learned that life now is on the blog, on facebook, on twitter...  but very rarely face to face.  american life is busy.  people are constantly racing time and lose to it, even with the countless amounts of coffee or energy drinks that we consume.  i fall into the same category at times.  i went to lunch to a friend's house a few days ago and she told me, "you're so busy."  and i thought... wow really am i??  i really thought that i try so hard not to be busy, but there is no hiding from it.  we are a people that schedules things way in advance and rarely does anything spontaneous.  we are a people with our cellphones in our hands all the time checking e-mail or facebook or the latest news.  we are a people that has earphones in our ears almost all the time in public.  we aren't very good at the personal deep relationships anymore... whatever is on facebook is what you get, as well as the other 598 other "friends" in their life.

i am not trying to be negative at all, though it may sound like it.  i'm just saying that in the year i've been off my blog, i had to learn that this is the life.  i still get face to face time with my friends and i still e-mail with my friends and others i write letters to.  i do have deep personal relationships with people, but i'm learning to understand that in the states relationships are shallow and wide.  i've lived in a place where it was a small pool of people and those people were it, you either break it or make it and if you make it, it's deep, personal and goes a long way.  two and a half years back in the states and still adjusting to some cultural differences.  this has just been a big piece.

so i think i may give this a try again.  i do still have friends that this is a good way to keep in touch because of distance...  it is a good outlet for me... and i love to write!!  please  bear with me as i begin again...